Be Angry and Sin Not." Anger and loss of temper are problems that all people face at times. With some the problems are habitual. Is it always sinful to be angry?
What does the Bible say about anger, wrath, blowing up, and clamming up? Should we vent our feelings to "get it out of our system"? Can we control our tempers? What guidance does God's word give in overcoming the temptations of anger?
The purpose of this lesson is to study the Bible teaching about anger.
All of us have problems controlling our temper at times. Some of us have habitual problems.
Let us consider what the Bible says. Is all anger necessarily sinful? Can we control our tempers? What does Jesus offer to help up overcome the habit of losing our temper?
[I have been benefited in this study by counseling materials written by Jay Adams.]
I. The Relationship between Anger and Sin
What is the problem with anger? What is the danger?
A. Bible Examples of Acceptable Anger
Some people assume that Christians should never show signs of a temper. If a Christian raises his voice or becomes visibly upset, some people think or act as though he violated his duty as a Christian. Consider:
God is angry with sin.
Psalm 7:11 - Because He is a just God, God is angry with sinners every day. Surely God's anger is not wrong. It is proper, for it is even based on His justice.
Many other passages show that God is angry when people commit sin. He will punish sinners in wrath. If God is infinitely righteous yet is often angry, why should we conclude that people are always wrong when they are angry?
The Bible says Moses was more meek than anyone else on earth (Num. 12:3), yet several times he acted and spoke in great anger.
Exodus 11:4-8 - Moses predicted that God would destroy the firstborn in all Egypt. Moses was acting as God's spokesman, yet he spoke "in great anger" (v8).
Exodus 32:19-24 - While Moses was on Mt. Sinai receiving the law, Israel worshiped a golden calf. When he saw this, "Moses' anger became hot" (v19), so much so that other people could see that he was angry (v22). He spoke and he punished the people in anger (cf. vv 25-29).
Numbers 16:15 - When Korah, Dathan, and Abiram led a rebellion against Moses' leadership, "Moses was very angry." He spoke in anger (vv 16ff), and even prayed to God in anger.
Jesus was angry with sin.
Mark 3:5 - When Jews condemned Jesus for healing on the sabbath, He looked on them in anger, being grieved at their hardness of heart. Jesus became angry and spoke in anger, even when teaching. Did He sin (Heb. 4:15)?
Other examples of acceptable anger
2 Corinthians 7:11 - In obedience to Paul's inspired teaching (1 Cor. 5), Corinth had disciplined a fornicator. Paul praised them for their "indignation." Note that a whole congregation acted in indignation, even disciplined a member in indignation, and were praised for doing so!
Ephesians 4:26 - Be angry, and do not sin. Can we obey this passage? If so, then it is possible to be angry without sinning.
Not everyone who is angry has automatically done wrong. Some anger is justified. But note that every case listed above involves being angry at sin. Sin ought to anger Christians, but we must control our response.
Take care lest you conclude that people have sinned, simply because they became angry. Not all anger is sinful.
James 1:19,20 - Be slow to wrath, because the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Again, not all anger is forbidden. It does not say to never be angry but to be slow to anger. The problem with anger is what it "produces" or leads to.
Proverbs 14:17 - A quick-tempered manacts foolishly. Not all anger is sinful, but we must take care lest we "fly off the handle," lose control, and act wrongly. [Prov. 29:22]
Anger can cause us to sin in two different ways:
Anger can cause us to "blow up."
Some psychologists encourage people to "vent" their anger. If husbands or wives become angry, they are supposed to say whatever they think, because it "gets it out of the system" or "releases tension." They tell us to allow even little children to throw tantrums, scream, and call parents nasty names.
A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise manholds them back. Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
The problem with anger is that it may lead us to lose control of our conduct and lash out at others with foolish words or deeds that are intended to hurt others and may be regretted later. By contrast, a wise man will control himself, even when he is angry.
The Bible teaches that our words and deeds are controlled by our thoughts. We must learn to control our thoughts and emotions, because harboring sinful thoughts will lead to sinful conduct. [Prov. 4:23; Matt. 15:18ff]
Not all anger is sinful (v26), but we should put away anger that is associated with bitterness, clamor ("loud quarreling" - NKJV ftnt), evil speaking, and malice. It is the opposite of kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness (v32).
Anger is sinful when it leads us to lose control so that, instead of being helpful to others, we become abusive, saying evil or hateful things intended to hurt them. Or we may simply not care about how we affect them. [Col. 3:8ff; 2 Cor. 12:20]
Cain is an example. When God rejected Cain's offering but accepted Abel's, Cain became angry and killed Abel.
Cain's anger was wrong, first because Abel had done nothing wrong. Anger at sin may be justified, but Cain was angry at someone who was righteous. Cain was the one who did wrong and was upset because God did not accept his conduct. Second, his anger was wrong because it led him to harm his brother.
Ephesians 4:31,32 - Anger and wrath should be "put away" from us, along with bitterness and malice. But instead of putting away their anger, some people just put it inside: they let it build up bitterness and grudges. They may not say anything, but their hearts are full of malice and a desire to hurt others.
Ephesians 4:26 - Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Instead of letting anger build up, we should get rid of it. One who "clams up" violates this part of the passage. He may not lash out to hurt others, but neither does he work constructively to eliminate the cause of his anger. He just lets it build up.
James 1:19 - Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Note that it says be slow to wrath and slow to speak, not "refuse" to speak.
Leviticus 19:17,18 - Hating our brother and holding a grudge against him in our heart violates the law of loving our neighbor as ourselves (which is also a New Testament law). To avoid this, rebuke him: talk to him about his wrong.
Some view clamming up as the only solution to blowing up. You don't say or do anything harmful (at the time), but you hold bitterness in your heart, plotting harmful things to say and do! Both responses violate the pattern.
In fact clamming up is often what leads to blowing up! The pressure builds till finally we lash out with cruelty and malice. When we learn to deal with anger properly, we can avoid both clamming up and blowing up.
Note that both kinds of anger tend to become habit. We practice them so often that they become ingrained in our character and very difficult to overcome. This leads to our next point.
Anger can be controlled. Jesus was angry at times and was tempted in all points like we are, but He did not sin (Heb. 4:15). He controlled His anger, and we can control ours. The examples of Moses and others who were angry without sinning show that anger can be controlled.
Proverbs 29:11 - A fool vents his feelings, but a wise manholds them back. We should not clam up, refusing to say what needs to be said, but we should control our anger: hold it back.
Proverbs 16:32; 25:28 - He who is slow to anger and rules his spirit is better than one who captures a city. You can restrain your spirit, and God commands you to do so.
Many other passages refer to this as "self control," an essential characteristic of Christians. Every passage that commands self control is a passage that tells us we can and should control our tempers (1 Corinthians 9:25-27; 2 Peter 1:5-8; Galatians 5:22,23).
1 Corinthians 10:13 - We do not face any temptation that is beyond our ability to handle, including the temptation to lose our temper. God will make a way of escape.
There is never an excuse for disobeying God. To say we cannot control our temper is to say God is not faithful. What we need to do is to look for the way of escape.
There is no excuse for failing to control our temper. God requires it and will judge us for it.
All of us do control our tempers, when it is important enough to do so.
Consider a mother who has a terrible day. The washer leaks on the floor, kids fight, supper burns, she breaks her favorite bowl, kids track mud on her clean floor. So she explodes, screams at the kids and threatens them. Then the phone rings and it's her husband's boss. Suddenly she is quite capable of carrying on a polite conversation.
Dad works on the car. The dealer gives him a wrong part, it won't go together right, then it won't run, and a wrench slips and splits his knuckle. He's screaming and using profanity. Then a car pulls in the driveway; it's the preacher's wife come for a visit. Suddenly he is calm and polite.
We can control our anger, when we really want to. If we can control our temper for the sake of other people, why not do it for God? God sees everything we do. Is God important enough to control our anger for?
III. Bible Principles to Help You Control Your Anger
A. Study the Scriptures and Develop a Plan.
Psalms 119:105 - Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Surely God's word will instruct us how to overcome anger.
Matthew 4:1-11 - Jesus dealt with Satan's temptations by quoting Scripture. Surely this approach can help us overcome the temptation of anger.
Make a list of passages about anger, then study and memorize them. When tempted to lose our temper, quote or read them.
Then, based on those Scriptures, develop a plan of action. This would include some or all of the points below.
But a child of God who sins, whether loss of temper or any other sin, must confess the sin and ask God's forgiveness.
Acts 8:22 - To be forgiven, we must repent and pray for forgiveness. Some want to remove their problem without admitting it exists. God says confess it and make up your mind to change.
1 Peter 5:7 - Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. We should pray, not just for forgiveness, but for strength to overcome temptation. We should ask God's help especially when facing temptation.
Luke 6:27,28 - Pray for those who spitefully use us. That includes those who anger us. Praying for others helps us overcome our bitterness and develop an attitude of good will.
However, some will admit they have a problem and may even apologize, but then take no steps to change. Still more is needed.
James 5:16 - Confess yourtrespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
We may also ask advice from others in overcoming the problem. Often others have had the same problem. They can help bear our burden (Gal. 6:2; 1 Thess. 5:14).
D. Avoid Hot-Tempered People.
Proverbs 22:24,25 - Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul. If you associate with people who regularly lose their temper, you become that kind of person. This is especially dangerous, if you already have the problem.
Associating with people who practice sin tempts you to participate. Associating with those who have overcome the problem helps you overcome it.
Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There ismore hope for a fool than for him.
Proverbs 15:28 - The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil. Don't clam up, but don't just pop off whatever comes to mind. Give an answer, but study on it first.
Force yourself to analyze the situation and consider the consequences of what you might say or do. "If I say or do this, will it be good for others, or am I just angry and will regret the statement later?" Count to ten. Maybe take a walk or ask for time to calm down and think. But instead of clamming up, set an appointment: a specific time to discuss the problem later.
Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Note it does not say clam up and give no answer. Give an answer, but make it calm.
Being calm does not mean we must never speak in a way that expresses anger by tone or volume. The examples we already learned show that such anger is not necessarily wrong. But don't speak to hurt, get even, or antagonize. Be sure you are calm enough to say what is helpful. And if the other person loses control, then you speak in a way that shows you are under control.
This turns away wrath: not just the other person's wrath, but your wrath too! When one person gets angry and says something mean, the other tends to respond with something meaner. Then the first must top that, etc. To break the cycle, instead of attacking the other person, calmly say something to help him, not hurt him.
F. Work to Solve the Problem that Angered You.
This may seem obvious, but most angry people do the opposite. We may say we are trying to solve the problem, but really we are trying to hurt the person who angered us. Instead of attacking the problem, we attack the person.
First determine exactly what happened that angered you.
The issue is not who angered you, but what happened to anger you. Learn to distinguish the act from the person. Hate the sin, but love the sinner. Striking out to hurt the person will not solve the problem. Seek to destroy the bad conduct, while helping the person who committed it.
Note: some problems are not worth being angry over. Learn to distinguish serious problems from imaginary or unimportant ones. If the problem is not worth working on, it isn't worth being angry over. Forget it and go on. If it's important enough to make you justifiably angry, then use your anger to work on the problem.
Use your energy constructively to solve the problem.
Anger is a natural reaction intended to prepare the body for action. The question is: what action is proper?
* Blowing up and attacking the person who angered you is the wrong action.
* Blowing up and attacking an innocent bystander (yelling at your wife or kids because the boss chewed you out) is worse.
* Holding a grudge (clamming up the anger inside yourself) does not solve the problem.
* The only proper way to "be angry and sin not" is to use your natural energy to work on the problem.
Go talk to the person who caused the problem for the purpose of working out a solution.
Matthew 5:22-24; (Luke 17:3,4) - Being angry without cause is not right; neither is saying cruel, hurtful things. If you have something against someone, or if they have something against you, either way go talk. But talk for the purpose of being reconciled. [Matt. 18:15-17]
Ephesians 4:26 - Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Don't just seethe inside without working on the problem itself. Go work on the problem. This applies on the job, in the church, and in the home.
Speak with genuine concern for others.
Ephesians 4:26,29 - Be angry, but sin not. Speak what is good for necessary edification.
(1) Say what is necessary.
Don't say just whatever comes to mind or whatever you feel like saying. Don't drag out all the old wrongs that were supposedly resolved long ago. Don't just talk on and on and on. Use "no corrupt communication" - no profanity, etc. Say what is needed to solve the problem.If it won't help solve the problem, don't say it!
(2) Say what is good and edifies and imparts grace to the hearers.
James 1:19 - Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Angry people usually want to tell others off and give them "a piece of their mind." They talk, talk, talk, but never really listen. This is not fair, not good for others, and does not solve the problem. We must be willing to listen.
Matthew 7:3-5 - Why behold the speck in your brother's eye, when you have a plank in your own eye? In speaking with others, we must consider the evidence that maybe we have been wrong as much or more than they have. Consider their evidence.
G. Apologize to Those You Have Hurt.
Matthew 5:23,24 - In order for God to accept our worship, we must seek reconciliation with our brethren.
Luke 17:3,4 - If discussion demonstrates we have been wrong, we must say, "I repent." Apologize. "I was wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive me."
If everyone who needs to do this would do it today, many families would be reconciled, many church members would be reconciled, many friends and neighbors would be reconciled.
Some church members have wronged God and the whole church in ways that are openly known. They need to publicly express their repentance to the whole church.
Conclusion
As with all sins, God does not just tell us what to quit. He also tells us what to do to correct our problem. Anger is often a deep-seated habit, but anyone can overcome it by diligent application of God's pattern.
Have you done what you should to be forgiven of your sins? Is there someone you have harmed in anger? Are there sins against others you need to make right? Are there known errors that you need to make right before the whole church? If so, do it today.
Women have been liberated right out of the genuine freedom they enjoyed for centuries to oversee the home, rear the children, and pursue personal creativity; they have been brainwashed to believe that the absence of a titled, payroll occupation enslaves a woman to failure, boredom, and imprisonment within the confines of home. Though feminism speaks of liberation, self-fulfillment, personal rights, and breaking down barriers, these phrases inevitably mean the opposite.2In fact, the opposite is true because a salaried job and titled position can inhibit a woman’s natural nesting instinct and maternity by inverting her priorities so that failures almost inevitably come in the rearing of her own children and the building of an earthly shelter for those whom she loves most. The mundane accompanies every task, however high paying or prestigious the job, so that escape from boredom is not inevitable just because your workplace is not at home. And where is the time for personal creativity when you are in essence working two jobs-one at home and one away?
In our quest to be all we are meant to be, let us not forget what we are meant to be! The question has never been whether a woman wants the best for her husband and children and even for herself. Rather the real question is this: Is being someone’s wife and another’s mother really worth the investment of a life? Does it take preparation of skills, concentration of energies, and the commitment of both to keep a home? The secular presuppositions of the present age, as well as one’s own assumptions and priorities, must continually be tested against the sure written Word of God, which warns us, “… but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world” (1 John 4:1).
Is Homemaking a Challenging Career?
A career or professional pursuit requires training and preparation as well as commitment and dedication over the long haul; it demands consistent activity and progressive achievement; it is a combination of training and preparation, commitment and loyalty, energy and time, excellence and achievement. Finding an efficient, capable person who is professionally adequate in many and varied careers simultaneously is rare indeed. For example, would you want your family physician to be your postman and policeman as well? I doubt it. Why? Because you want him to specialize and sharpen his expertise in medicine. Yet, you are certainly aware that your doctor dictates letters and reports and that he may on occasion sit down with a troubled patient as counselor. Within most careers there is a diversity of opportunity but never to the neglect of the priority responsibility. If the doctor gives the most productive part of his day to reports or counseling sessions and if, accordingly, he neglects updating his professional skills and treats patients haphazardly, the doctor will soon have no need to make reports or do counseling because his patient load will dwindle. In other words, there is specialization in purpose and preparation but generalization in service and opportunity.
Homemaking is a career. The dictionary defines the homemaker as “one who manages a household, especially a wife and mother.” There are reasons why I believe this career is important enough to demand a woman’s diligent preparation, foremost commitment, full energies, and greatest creativity. A homemaker does her job without the enticement of a paycheck, but she cannot be duplicated for any amount of money, for “She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). Dorothy Morrison wrote, “Homemaking is not employment for slothful, unimaginative, incapable women. It has as much challenge and opportunity, success and failure, growth and expansion, perks and incentives, as any corporate career.”3
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Homemaking-A Divine Assignment
Keeping the home is God’s assignment to the wife-even down to changing the sheets, doing the laundry, and scrubbing the floors. In Titus 2:3-5, Paul admonishes the older women to teach the younger women, among other things, “to love their husbands and children, … to be busy at home” (oikourgous, Greek, literally “home-workers”). The home was once described as “… a place apart, a walled garden, in which certain virtues too easily crushed by modern life could be preserved,” and the mother in this home was described as “The Angel in the House.”4 A 1982 Gallup poll showed that more than eight out of ten respondents (82 percent) assigned top priority on an eleven-point scale to the importance of family life. Families, health, and self-respect all were rated as more important than the possession of material goods.5
Few women realize what great service they are doing for mankind and for the kingdom of Christ when they provide a shelter for the family and good mothering-the foundation on which all else is built. A mother builds something far more magnificent than any cathedral-the dwelling place for an immortal soul (both her child’s fleshly tabernacle and his earthly abode).** No professional pursuit so uniquely combines the most menial tasks with the most meaningful opportunities.
**Electronic Edition Editor Note: Whether consciously so or not, it appears that this is an adaptation from a Cardinal Mindszenty quote from his book "The Mother": "She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral—a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body." In our opinion this is too close in wording not to notate.**
The Book of Proverbs is for me the most practical book in the Bible. No other book is more saturated with home and family and the relationships therein. No other book has any more to say to women specifically.
Proverbs 31 contains a full-length portrait of a godly heroine finished in minute detail. The passage is significant not only for what it includes but also for what it omits. There is no mention of rights or pursuit of self-serving interests; neither is the husband assigned to domestic pursuits. In fact, his occupation with other tasks is clearly stated, “Her husband has full confidence in her. … Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land” (Proverbs 31:11, 23). This beautiful and perfect ode of praise to womanhood is written as an acrostic with the first word of each verse beginning with one of the twenty-two successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.
This description of God’s “Bionic/Wonder Woman” is often labeled an “Alphabetic Ode,” “The Golden ABC’s of the Perfect Wife,” “The Portrait of the Wife of Many Parts,” “A Paradigm for Brides-to-Be.” Perhaps its literary form is designed to make the passage easier to commit to memory, or its acrostic style may be a literary device used to emphasize that these characteristics describe God’s ideal woman-committed homemaker, chaste helpmeet, upright and God-fearing woman of strength. Though no woman can match skills and creativity perfectly with this model, all can identify their respective talents within the composite, and all can strive for the spiritual excellence of this woman of strength. This passage is recited in many Jewish homes on the eve of Sabbath, not only setting the high challenge for wife and mother but also expressing gratitude for her awesome service to the household.6
At least half of Proverbs 31:10-31 is occupied with personal and domestic energy. The New Testament, too, is clear in its emphasis on a woman’s needed and necessary energy and efficiency in managing her household (Titus 2:5; 1 Timothy 2:10; 5:14). When Jesus reprimanded Martha, He did not condemn the vital housework she was doing; neither did He decry the gracious hospitality extended to Himself (Jesus did not say only one thing is needful but pointed to the one thing Martha had omitted). He did admonish her not to be encumbered or burdened by her work to the exclusion of spiritual sustenance, which Mary had so faithfully sought (Luke 10:38-42). One is never to neglect spiritual preparation-not even for the joy of serving others.
The best way to make homemaking a joyous task is to offer it as unto the Lord; the only way to avoid the drudgery in such mundane tasks is to bathe the tasks with prayer and catch a vision of the divine challenge in making and nurturing a home. Brother Lawrence, a member of the barefoot Carmelite monks in Paris in the 1600s, set a worthy example: “Lord of all pots and pans and things … Make me a saint by getting meals and washing up the plates! … The time of business does not with me differ from the time of prayer, and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen … I possess God in as great tranquillity as if I were upon my knees at the blessed sacrament.”
Many people are surprised to discover how much time it actually takes to run a household and care for a family. Having a career was far easier for me than being a homemaker! None of my former positions required my being on the job twenty-four hours every day. None of my varied professional pursuits demanded such a variety of skills and abilities as I have exercised in homemaking. Automatic, labor-saving devices save much physical work, but increased mobility and multiplied outside activities add to the overall time demands so that the preparation and care of the family shelter are important enough for God Himself to assign that responsibility. Of course, much of the world would agree that being a housekeeper is acceptable as long as you are not caring for your own home; treating men with attentive devotion would also be right as long as the man is the boss in the office and not your husband; caring for children would even be deemed heroic service for which presidential awards could be given as long as the children are someone else’s and not your own. We must not be overcome by the surrogacy of this age, which offers even a substitute womb for those so encumbered by lofty pursuits that they cannot accept God-given roles and assignments.
Homemaking-A Source of Self-Esteem
Women join men in the search for accomplishments and positive evaluations. We all have an innate desire to have worth. God’s ideal woman has such worth. In fact, her worth cannot be fixed or estimated-it is “far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). The question is, of course, clear: Who has such worth? The Hebrew word hayil, translated “virtuous” but more literally “strength,”7 is found also in Proverbs 12:4; 31:29, and Ruth 3:11. It is further translated as activity, ability, valor, wealth, efficiency, endurance, capability, energy. This woman of strength enjoys dignity and importance in the administrative affairs of her home. She is a valuable helpmeet for her husband. She is a complement to her husband and a necessary completing part of his being.
There is beautiful reciprocity in this mutual relationship between husband and wife, just as there is between Christ and the church. Christ is the head of the church and the church is delighted to serve Him (Ephesians 5:23; Philippians 3:7-8). Christ finds joy in the church, and the church finds in Christ an inheritance of untold value. This husband has confidence in his wife’s ability as the manager of the household affairs. She is absolutely dependable. The gain that accrues to her husband from her thrift and industry assures that he “lacks nothing of value” (Proverbs 31:11). This “woman of strength” is a visionary investor. With her savings or inheritance, “She considers a field and buys it” (Proverbs 31:16). Unlike the unfaithful servant who hid the talent given to him by his master (Matthew 25:24-25), this prudent wife is continually adding to her husband’s investments because “she plants a vineyard” (Proverbs 31:16).
The woman of strength is an elegant lady. Tapestry for bedding, carpeting, pillows was a sign of a carefully-decorated home interior. Silk cloth had not yet been invented, but she undoubtedly used the fine flax or linen cloth that was the best of the day, and purple garments, indicating wealth or high rank, which were rare indeed (Proverbs 31:22). God’s woman does give time and effort to her appearance. These words were written about the wife of the great eighteenth-century preacher Jonathan Edwards,
But Sarah’s husband made it clear that he treasured her as more than a housekeeping drudge and the mother of extra farmhands. So she stayed attractive, and fifteen years later she was still able to entrance men much younger than she was.8
The “woman of strength” was a source of tremendous pride to her husband. Her complete management of the household freed her husband to concentrate on his labors. Her husband respected her for neatness of dress, appreciated the fact that his wife was held in high esteem, and was willing to “… let her works bring her praise at the city gate” (Proverbs 31:31), but there is no hint in the passage that she had any other purpose than to meet the needs of her family in the best possible way.
Is Homemaking a Worthy Service?
In the Scriptures, the concern of godly women was not discrimination in vocation but rather the barrenness of the womb. Women were not pining away, pleading with the Almighty to be priests or prophets. They were praying for the blessing of bearing children. In Israel, every Jewish mother hoped to become the mother of the Messiah, who had been promised to Eve, the first mother (Genesis 3:15).
Hannah was brokenhearted over her childlessness (1 Samuel 1:1-2:1). Feeling forsaken of God, her maternal instinct prompted agonizing prayer with the burning intent of giving the boy back to God as a living sacrifice. Hannah deemed this the highest service. This motivation was not borne out of slavery to procreative responsibility. In conversations with her husband and Eli the priest, she was treated as an equal. The decision of when to go to Shiloh was left entirely with Hannah, and she not only was given the privilege of announcing the name of the child but also apparently chose the name Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him” (1 Samuel 1:20, 22). Hannah was her own woman, but for her this meant committing herself to the purposes of God.
Hannah went from brokenhearted barrenness to extraordinarily privileged maternity. Though Hannah’s psalm of thanksgiving marked her as a poetess and prophetess with a spiritual lyric equal to any psalm and full of theological truth, and though her words became the basis for Mary’s Magnificat (Luke 1:46-55), Hannah did not reckon her literary acclaim equal to the nurturing of her child. Her greatest reward was not the birth of a son, however, but the gift to God of that son, who perhaps beyond all men had power with and from God. Moments of unequaled joy are coupled with difficult and time-consuming work. Children are not things to be acquired, used according to time and schedule, showcased for personal satisfaction, and then put aside for personal ambition and convenience.
Rearing the next generation is a coveted task despite the unprecedented attacks on motherhood. Some women want to limit parenthood to the labor room, settling for a “maternity sabbatical” in which they birth a baby during a few weeks’ leave before rushing back to their lofty pursuits. Mrs. Uyterlinde returned to her job as an executive secretary at an insurance company four months after the birth of her triplets, saying, “I could only do that with the help of two full-time housekeepers.” She continued, “Working is easier than being at home, but I give them my total attention when I am at home. Luckily they don’t all want it at the same time.”9
Others opt to take parenthood a bit more seriously and thus choose the “mommy track” work plan so that their hours have some flexibility while the children are very young.10 Still others depict motherhood as an awful condition, suffocating and degrading-psychic suicide. Their banner is “Motherhood-Just Say No!” God’s warning through the prophet Ezekiel could not be more timely:
And you took your sons and daughters whom you bore to me and sacrificed them as food to the idols… . Everyone who quotes proverbs will quote this proverb about you: “Like mother, like daughter.” You are a true daughter of your mother, who despised her husband and her children; and you are a true sister of your sisters, who despised their husbands and their children. (Ezekiel 16:20, 44-45).
Motherhood is both a demanding and a rewarding profession. Unfortunately, the reward often comes much later in life, but a prime characteristic of the good mother is unselfishness; she can wait for the final realization of her rewards. No one-not teacher, preacher, or psychologist-has the same opportunity to mold minds, nurture bodies, and develop potential usefulness like a mother. It is both practical and consistent with the basic qualities that nature has given male and female that the woman who bears and nurses the baby should care for the young and for the dwelling in which the young live. Though a woman approaching the twenty-first century is different in many ways from her foremothers, she is in at least one way forever the same. Some would say that she is a servant of her biological fate, to which she has to adjust her other pursuits. Of course, this may be interpreted as mere slavery with the procreative and nurturing tasks as the shackles; but, on the other hand, this biological duty may also be accepted as a divinely assigned destiny with the awesome opportunity for a woman to link hand and heart with the Creator God in bearing and preparing the next generation as the binding cord.
Despite pressures and difficulties, the job can be overwhelmingly satisfying and amazingly productive, because the result of really competent mothering will be passed from generation to generation. Products in the marketplace may come and go, but generation after generation we produce our sons and daughters. A child needs his mother to be all there; to be focused on him, to recognize his problems and needs; to support, guide, see, listen to him, love and want him. A young woman wrote to “Dear Abby” describing her mother as “a professional woman who collected a husband, a daughter, and a dog to enrich her life.” According to the daughter, the only one not damaged by this enrichment was the dog!11 Susanna Wesley, the incomparably brilliant and well-educated mother of sons who shook two continents for Christ, wrote, “I am content to fill a little space if God be glorified.” She described her now famous childrearing commitment in these words:
No one can, without renouncing the world, in the most literal sense, observe my method; and there are few, if any, that would entirely devote above twenty years of the prime of life in hopes to save the souls of their children, which they think may be saved without so much ado; for that was my principal intention, however unskillfully and unsuccessfully managed.12
The emergence of inexpensive, effective birth-control measures, not to mention widespread abortion, has cut the size of average families. Women are giving less and less of their time to childbearing and rearing; marriage is being delayed to allow career preparation and pursuit. Motherhood has become as mechanical and insignificant as any other household task and is just as quickly farmed out to others-even the carrying of the child in the womb, i.e., surrogate childbearing through in vitro fertilization.
Marriage has become such a partnership that the household tasks are carefully divided and assigned as nonchalantly as clients to be serviced. Both husband and wife choose careers according to the best earning power and opportunity for advancement of both, which usually means the family loses the best opportunity for both. Despite all this egalitarian emphasis, Mary Jo Bane of the Wellesley Women’s Research Center expressed a prevailing sentiment: “Everybody is in favor of equal pay, but nobody is in favor of doing the dishes.”13
Feminism is a “social movement” that demands it all. Actress Katharine Hepburn said in an interview, “I’m not sure any woman can successfully pursue a career and be a mother at the same time. The trouble with women today is that they want everything. But no one can have it all. I haven’t been handicapped by children. Nor have I handicapped children by bringing them into the world and going ahead with my career.”14 Actress Joanne Woodward says, “My career has suffered because of the children, and my children have suffered because of my career. I’ve been torn and haven’t been able to function fully in either arena. I don’t know one person who does both successfully, and I know a lot of working mothers.”15 Golda Meir of Israel confessed that she suffered nagging doubts about the price her two children paid for her career, adding, “You can get used to anything if you have to, even to feeling perpetually guilty.”16
Each of these women chose to work, not because she had to do so to provide necessities for her family or because her husband demanded it, but because of personal gain and fame or because of what she perceived to be a contribution more valuable to the nation or world than full-time motherhood. In each case, attention to the child was less important than the career.
Even the politicians are convinced that children are a valuable resource to be protected. A new report released by the National Governors’ Association Task Force on Children states, “The economic and social well-being of the United States rests on our ability to assure that our children develop into healthy, well-educated, and productive citizens… . To invest in their future is to invest in ours.”17
A study of primarily middle-class children was conducted by University of Texas at Dallas researchers Deborah Lowe Vandell and Mary Anne Corasaniti. This study indicated that full-time child care was associated with poorer study skills, lower grades, diminished self-esteem, and inadequate social interaction. Those who went into full-time care after the first year did not develop as well socially, emotionally, and intellectually as those in part-time care or those whose mothers stayed home with them. Surely another concern must be in the development of the child’s values and worldview, which are determined very early in life. Will forty hours a week in a day care center be a more formidable factor in forming those values than a worn-out mother? Because Vandell is a full-time professor and mother of three- and eight-year-old children, she had expected different results from the study. She clearly stated that she did not accept her findings as a call for mothers to stay at home.18
Napoleon was asked what could be done to restore the prestige of France. He replied, “Give us better mothers!”19 The art of mothering surely demands as much training as a skilled waitress or craft worker, and thus we should not expect to be an expert as we begin this vocation but rather that slowly we would learn the needs of each child and how to meet those needs. Often those who are reluctant to begin the job of full-time mothering are just as reluctant to give it up when the results are both seen and enjoyed. Timothy Dwight, former president of Yale, said, “All that I am and all that I shall be I owe to my mother.”20 Good lives don’t just grow like Topsy; they are built by people who care.
Isn’t it amazing that legislators are looking for ways to enable families to send their children to day care rather than looking for ways to enable mothers to stay at home with their children? Megan Rosenfeld comments, “For the first time it is possible to envision a generation that will have spent the bulk of their childhood in an institution.”21 Sad but true is the fact that institutions are now set up to provide a substitute for the mother, who was the moral backbone and spiritual nurturer as well as the physical caretaker-the woman who is now no longer there!
Tatyana Zaslavskaya, president of the Soviet Sociologist Association, is quoted in a TASS interview as expressing deep concern for the ill effects on children of “the high rate of employment among working-age women.” She pleaded for mothers to make children their prime mission, calling on the Communist Party to discuss ways to reduce the employment rate among mothers. She added that the problem that is often glamorized in the United States as the “Superwoman phenomenon (the woman who is faster than a speeding two-year-old, able to leap tall laundry piles in a single bound, and possessed of more power than three teenaged boys and still able to go out and save the world in the midst of all) has been known in the Soviet Union for years as “the problem of two jobs.”22 Even Mikhail Gorbachev addresses this issue:
We have discovered that many of our problems-in children’s and young people’s behavior, in our morals, culture and in production-are partially caused by the weakening of family ties and slack attitude to family responsibilities. This is a paradoxical result of our sincere desire to make women equal with men in everything.
He adds that Russia is now looking for ways to make it possible for women to return “to their purely womanly mission.”23
Some women even claim to have a higher focus on serving God-putting the gospel ahead of “familyism.”24 While no one and nothing must come between a woman and her personal relationship to Christ (“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well,” Matthew 6:33), neither does the Bible contain any admonition to place the work of the church ahead of home responsibilities. When a woman has chosen the high calling of being a wife, her submission to her husband is “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). When she chooses the high calling of motherhood, “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3); this, too, is itself an offering to the Lord.
In another era the beautiful and godly mother of John Chrysostom was widowed at a young age. She refused her many suitors and committed herself totally to the responsibility of rearing her gifted son, who became the Patristic church’s greatest orator.25 Mothers, too, win most by losing all (“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it,” Matthew 10:39). By developing the Christ-like quality of abandoning personal demands and rights and seeking to serve and minister to those whom God has provided for their own personal ministry, these unselfish heroines gain worth and wonder and splendor beyond imagination.
There is no greater need for the coming years than a revival of interest in the responsibilities of motherhood. We need mothers who are not only family-oriented but also family-obsessed. We have seen much about the virtue of determined childlessness and the right to make one’s own place in the sun; yet it is hard to locate an aging mother who believes she made a mistake in pouring her life into her children, and it would certainly be more difficult to find a child to testify that his mother loved him and poured herself into his life to his detriment and demise. Surely countless mothers would join me in saying, “Try it-you’ll like it!” The Lord Himself says, “Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” (Psalm 127:4-5).
Homemaking-An Opportunity for Service
The wife was created by God to be her husband’s “helper” (ezer kenegdo, Hebrew, literally “a help like or corresponding to himself,” Genesis 2:18). There is nothing demeaning about being a helper. It is a challenging and rewarding responsibility. God Himself assumed that role on many occasions (Psalm 40:17, “You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay”; Hebrews 13:6, “So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper’”). This did not mean that the Lord was an inferior but spoke rather of His desire to meet the needs of those whom He loves with an everlasting and unconditional love. Through the ages some have held that women are inferior to men, but the attempt to attribute such an idea to Scripture is unthinkable.
We must give attention to what Luther called “the plain sense of Scripture” as concerns the husband-wife relationship. It is really not terribly complicated. What the New Testament writers wrote and how they meant their words to be understood in their own time is far more important than the secular meanings assigned these Biblical terms in this generation, especially when those meanings depart from the clear teaching of Scripture. The fact is that there is no suggestion in Scripture that women are inferior or incapable in any sense-neither in personhood, which is the same as man’s, nor in function, which is different from man’s.
Any attitude or action suggesting a woman’s insignificance, inferiority, or lack of personhood originated in the fall. The stigma of inferiority is no more appropriate for the wife than it would be for Christ. One can be subject to a superior as Israel was subject to the Lord (Deuteronomy 6:1-5) and as believers are subject to Christ (Philippians 2:9-11), or as Abraham submitted to the priesthood of Melchizedek (Hebrews 7:7). But subordination is also possible among equals: Christ is equal to God the Father and yet subject to Him (Philippians 2:6-8); believers are equal to one another and yet are admonished to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). In fact, one can be called to subordinate himself to someone who is inferior, as Christ submitted to Pontius Pilate, making “no reply, not even to a single charge” (Matthew 27:11-14). The mere fact that wives are told to be subject to their husbands tells us nothing about their status. It is the comparison of the relationship between husband and wife to the relationship of God the Father with God the Son that settles the matter of status forever.26
Submission and authority, which to the feminists are the offensive elements in Biblical womanhood, are not terms that in themselves connote sinful or evil characteristics. Neither are the terms limited to describe role relationships between the sexes. Both terms are used to describe relationships within the family, including, but not exclusive to, the relationship between husband and wife. In fact, these terms even reach far beyond the family. In every facet of organized society (see Romans 13:1-5 for application to government and Hebrews 13:17 as concerns the church), there must be both authority and submission to authority; otherwise, there is anarchy. There simply is no justification for labeling these words and the concepts they embody as innately objectionable and oppressive. Finally, and more importantly, these terms point to our common ground with the Lord Himself, who gave to us the highest example of servanthood, obedience, and selflessness, as “he humbled himself and became obedient to death” (Philippians 2:5-8; see also John 5:30).
Ideally, the care of one’s partner is inherent in marriage. Each makes an active and unique (not passive and same) contribution to the marriage, and each depends upon the other for that contribution. Both husband and wife achieve their respective individuality by assuming different roles, for which each is needed and on which neither intrudes. In choosing to allow one’s husband to support the family, a wife can turn her ingenuity toward producing a lifestyle even better than an additional salary would buy.
Subordination has been distorted before in the history of the church. Arius assigned inferiority of being to Jesus the Son, refusing to accept the Scripture’s statement that Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are equal in being and personhood (John 1:1; 5:23; 10:30; 14:6-7, 9, 11) and yet different in office and function, as the Son voluntarily becomes subject and even subordinate27 to the Father (John 5:19-20; 6:38; 8:28-29, 54; 1 Corinthians 15:28; Philippians 2:5-11), and the Holy Spirit is sent by, and thus under the direction of, the Father to glorify the Son (John 14:26; 15:26; 16:13-14). Arian subordinationism was condemned as heretical-a denial of Trinitarianism-because it ignored, distorted, or misread certain Scriptures and because of Gnostic tendencies that simply dismissed or abandoned passages that the human mind could not explain.28 Can “Arian” feminism, which denies that women can have equal personhood along with a subordinate role, i.e., a different role with equal worth, be any more circumspect? I certainly think not. The Council of Nicea in a.d. 325 not only condemned this heresy but also ascribed to both Son and Spirit an equality of being, while clearly declaring subordination of order and function.29 Likewise, I have no problem in accepting within my womanhood the equality of creation and personhood, while recognizing that my divinely bestowed womanhood is uniquely suited to the divinely assigned task.
Too many women rush headlong into a career outside the home, determined to waste no time or effort on housework or baby-sitting but rather seeking to achieve position and means by directing all talents and energies toward non-home professional pursuits. It is true that many “perfect jobs” may come and go during the childrearing years, but only one will absolutely never come along again-the job of rearing your own children and allowing them the increasingly rare opportunity to grow up at home.
Golda Meir, by her own testimony, devoted her adult life to the birth and rearing of Israel at the cost of her marriage. She separated from her reticent husband in pursuit of public life. To quote Mrs. Meir, “what I was made it impossible for him to have the sort of wife he wanted and needed… . I had to decide which came first: my duty to my husband, my home and my child or the kind of life I myself really wanted. Not for the first time-and certainly not for the last-I realized that in a conflict between my duty and my innermost desires, it was my duty that had the prior claim.”30
How sad it is for a woman to try to build her life on the notion that she is going to pursue whatever momentarily happens to gratify her needs socially, emotionally, physically, or professionally. Though the duty of wifehood and motherhood may lay claim, the desires of personal ambition and success in public service can take hold, of which the Lord warned,
but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire [epithumia, Greek], he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin [hamartia, Greek, literally “missing the mark”]; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death. (James 1:14-15)
When a wife goes to work outside the home, often her husband and children go through culture shock. Suddenly the husband has added to his vocational work increased family assignments. He is frustrated over the increase in his own assignments and guilty over his wife’s increased fatigue and extended hours to keep up at home. God did give the husband the responsibility of providing for the family (Genesis 2:15). To sabotage his meeting that responsibility is often a debilitating blow to the man personally and to the marriage. A woman’s career can easily serve as a surrogate husband, as during employment hours she is ruled by her employer’s preferences. Because the wife loses much of her flexibility with the receipt of a paycheck, a husband must bend and adapt his schedule for emergencies with the children, visits to the home by repairmen, etc. This leaves two employers without totally committed employees and children without a primary caretaker utterly devoted to their personal needs and nurturing. Note the prophet’s warning, “Youths oppress my people, women rule over them. O my people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path” (Isaiah 3:12).
Many women still see the paycheck as an inadequate trade for the sights and sounds and tastes of home. Though some see their paychecks as representing independence and achievement, to be bound to paychecks requires in exchange the time formerly allotted to work for the family in private, personal ways. This is not to say that there are never times when a woman should seek employment outside her home. Nevertheless, are we coming to a day when a woman’s employment outside the home is the rule rather than the exception, leaving no one to give primary attention to the home and to producing the next generation.
The most outstanding ministering couple in the New Testament is the dynamic duo Aquila and Priscilla, who traveled the apostolic world together, sharing the gospel of Christ and expounding the Word more fully (Acts 18:2-3, 18, 26). Priscilla must have been a diligent and discerning student of the Word of God, or she could never have impressed the learned Apollos. On the other hand, she must have been a gracious hostess to have endeared her home and hospitality to Paul. Obviously, she was encouraged to take an active part in ministry by her husband. When a godly wife is all she ought to be, she completes, complements, and extends her husband. Their joint ministry reaches beyond what either of them could do alone (Psalm 34:3; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
When Paige Patterson invited me to link my life to his, irrevocably and inseparably, he asked me to join him in study and preparation. How grateful I have been for the formal studies of seminary, but how much more grateful I am for the hours Paige has spent as my teacher and mentor. Paige has encouraged me in multifarious ministry, but never has he given me the impression that these ministries were to be more important than keeping our home and rearing our children.
Conclusion
Despite the clear positive principles and the precise warnings of consequences for those who ignore or distort God’s plan for the home and family, we find ourselves living in the very “upside-down” world the prophet Isaiah described:
You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, “He did not make me”? Can the pot say of the potter, “He knows nothing”? (Isaiah 29:16).
The efforts of contemporary society to eradicate the differences between the sexes have spawned an increase in strident lesbianism and open homosexuality, a quantum upward leap in divorces, an increase in rapes and sexual crimes of all sorts-and families smaller in size than ever before. We are part of a generation of women who have prostituted the creative purposes of God by prophesying “out of their own imagination” (Ezekiel 13:17), who have erected for themselves “male idols” to supplant the Creator’s design (Ezekiel 16:17), and who have cast aside the greatest blessing of the Creator, i.e., the fruit of the womb (Ezekiel 16:20, 44-45). We have allowed Scripture itself to be distorted so that we are conforming ourselves to this age and letting the world squeeze us “into its own mold” (Romans 12:2, Phillips). The church today sounds like the world twenty-five years ago; it has lost its great power to stand against culture. Scripture has been shanghaied to suit the purposes of the age and to conform to the current cultural scene. The virtues and vices of Christianity have been inverted so that self-gratifying personal rights, selfishness, and self-interests are exalted, whereas self-effacing submission, humility, and service to others are degraded. While I am not implying that every career woman is selfish, I am saying that the social atmosphere that causes women to crave professional pursuits over the family is perverted by unbiblical assumptions and an ungodly spirit of assertion and self-gratification.
Evangelical or Biblical feminism is in large measure a product of the secular women’s liberation movement of the late sixties and seventies. Few of these evangelical feminists have much in common with the radical wing of feminism. Nevertheless, the movement of self-assertion in the home, church, and community cannot but extend into the spiritual realm with a determination to act independently of God and go one’s own way (Proverbs 14:12; Isaiah 53:6). Human rights and reason have been exalted over responsibility and divine revelation. The reality in Scripture has been subordinated to the reason of man (and woman); the absolutes of the Creator have been replaced with the whims of the creation. Rejecting Scripture as authoritative, many male and female feminists put the focus of authority in human hands, usually through some hermeneutical casuistry. Whatever texts do not seem to affirm women are labeled as not authoritative, while texts judged as affirming are authoritative.
There is great resistance in the world of feminism to letting Scripture speak for itself. Instead of coming reverently to the Biblical text to see what it says and then declaring themselves to be feminists, many seem to have found something in secular feminism and in its claims for improving the lot of womanhood that seemed good and true to them. Thus, the feminists took a “leap of faith” to attach themselves to this movement, determining to legitimize their position Biblically and theologically and to change two millennia of church history and tradition to reflect this new church doctrine that more nearly fits the reality of their active professional lives-another tragic example of the world’s setting the agenda for the church rather than vice versa.
Homemaking, if pursued with energy, imagination, and skills, has as much challenge and opportunity, success and failure, growth and expansion, perks and incentives as any corporation, plus something no other position offers-working for people you love most and want to please the most!
In the words of Scripture, I have found a worthy challenge:
Teach them [God’s words] to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up… so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. (Deuteronomy 11:19, 21)
Homemaking-being a full-time wife and mother-is not a destructive drought of usefulness but an overflowing oasis of opportunity; it is not a dreary cell to contain one’s talents and skills but a brilliant catalyst to channel creativity and energies into meaningful work; it is not a rope for binding one’s productivity in the marketplace, but reins for guiding one’s posterity in the home; it is not oppressive restraint of intellectual prowess for the community, but a release of wise instruction to your own household; it is not the bitter assignment of inferiority to your person, but the bright assurance of the ingenuity of God’s plan for complementarity of the sexes, especially as worked out in God’s plan for marriage; it is neither limitation of gifts available nor stinginess in distributing the benefits of those gifts, but rather the multiplication of a mother’s legacy to the generations to come and the generous bestowal of all God meant a mother to give to those He entrusted to her care.
Copyright 1997 Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. All rights reserved.
1All Scripture quoted will be from the New International Version unless otherwise specified.
2Frank Zepezauer, “The Masks of Feminism,” The Human Life Review, Fall 1988, p. 31.
It is common to say they aren’t her children or the parents’ children, but everyone’s children. You’ve heard the mantra, “It takes a village”. It’s a truth that community is powerful and helpful in the education and development of children, but parents can be perfectly equipped to provide everything children essentially need. Rather than honoring a woman’s commitment to “raise” her own children, it’s despised. Women are encouraged to return to work as quickly as possible, shipping their kids off to daycare or the sitter. But why? Why should parents be so eager to hand over their children to someone else?
Economic Reasons – One of the most cited reasons is that the family needs the money and if they are going to give the child everything he needs, it’s necessary for the mother to work. This is definitely what the capitalists want. A push for economic growth was part of what started pushing women to join the work force and leave their work at home. My grandmother “worked” very hard on their farm raising nine kids over a 30+ year period and she added to the prosperity of her home with that work. I’ve read historical studies where businessmen focused on recruiting more women to work in factories and other businesses so they could take advantage of the economic productivity of women. After all, when she was only working at home, it only benefited her family. No one made a profit off of her and no government tax benefit was earned. More people might benefit economically by a speedy return to the workforce after the child is born, but not the family.
Career Achievement – Many women enjoy a vibrant professional career and stepping away from that for a significant amount of time is seen as detrimental, or at the worst, career suicide. Some point to this as a reason for lower pay for women and attempt to use it to justify such policies. This is blatantly unfair. Women who are pursuing a career should not face discrimination because they become pregnant. Investing in children is every bit as worthy as investment in a career. Long after we’re gone, our career and the money we’ve earned will fade away, but our children and their children will continue with whatever values they’ve had invested in them.
Childhood Socialization and Academic Development – Putting children in pre-school and day care is often seen as path to helping them get ready for school and advance developmentally early on. This dismisses opportunities to develop through direct parental investment, which can serve the same role, but is done through the investment of the people who care for them more than all others.
A Biblical view of motherhood holds the role up as of first importance. Parents and especially mothers are given the responsibility for the daily rearing of their children. This isn’t a burden, but a blessing and an honor. The future of the world is given into the hands of mothers and this is no little thing.
I’m grateful that my mother made raising me and staying in my life throughout my upbringing a priority. She ‘worked’ in a variety of jobs over many years and was willing to make changes when it suited her role as a wife and mother better. She taught me that relationships with real people and ministry is what was really important.
After her passing, notes came flooding in from the many people she loved over the years. She was a mother to my friends and me. She was ‘mother’ and friend to many while working at the hospitals and the school. Towards the end of her life, she mostly demonstrated her motherly love through her local church. Wherever there was an opportunity, she took it.
My world was changed because of my mother. Her love helped me understand the love of Christ and her ability to keep her eyes open and see the needs around her is something I hope I will continue to try and do to honor her.
It’s now been four months since she passed into eternity and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Those who love her continue to grieve, but we would do best to honor her with our actions. I’m so grateful my mom took her calling to be a mother seriously. She was a great example of what is written in Proverbs 31:25-31.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 26 When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. 27 She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. 28 Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. 31 Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
PROVERBS 31:25-31
Proverbs 31:10-31 in the Bible describes a good wife and her husband as a couple who exemplify godliness and commitment to each other and to God. The wife is described as a precious treasure to her husband, who trusts her without reservation and is never disappointed. The wife is also described as having many positive qualities, including:
Thoughtful: Her words are sensible and her advice is thoughtful
Cheerful: She is strong, graceful, and cheerful about the future
Hard worker: She makes good use of her time, is resourceful, and good with money
Generous: She treats her husband generously all her life long
Skilled: She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands
Marital Husbandry
Many men dream of having a Proverbs 31 wife. She belongs to “the wisest of women,” who build up their homes with industry and skill (Proverbs 14:1). She gives her man a good name so that he “is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land” (Proverbs 31:23). She is “a good thing” without qualification or reserve (Proverbs 18:22), for “she does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12). He may be noble without her, but with her he is kingly (Proverbs 12:4).
Many fail to recognize, however, that behind the Proverbs 31 woman is a Proverbs 31 man. And if we read this poem in the context of the whole book, we know this man is no dolt. He fears the Lord and does not lean on his own understanding (Proverbs 1:7; 9:10). He has absorbed his father’s and mother’s teaching, and made them glad (Proverbs 10:1; 15:20). He has rejected the paths of the fool, the scoffer, and the sluggard to walk in the way of wisdom (Proverbs 3:17; 9:4–6).
In other words, he is not only a husband, but a husbandman, a cultivator of his wife’s character. What, then, can we learn from such a man? Though he walks in the background of the Proverbs 31 poem, he still teaches lessons in the art of husbandry, whether for mature husbands like himself, or for men who have just begun.
He trusts in her.
The poem’s first description of the husband’s attitude toward his wife may sound unremarkable: “The heart of her husband trusts in her” (Proverbs 31:11). To say “he trusts her” may not surprise us, but it should. In Scripture, the heart’s trust belongs to God alone, as for example in Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” But here, his heart trusts in her. Why?
Because early on he learned the lesson that “charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). Bruce Waltke writes,
This present exception elevates the valiant wife, who herself fears the Lord, to the highest level of spiritual and physical competence. The claim implies that this husband and wife enjoy a robust spiritual relationship. (The Book of Proverbs, Chapters 15–31, 521)
Many men in the ancient world treated their wives as little more than pieces of childbearing property, the prettier the better (Derek Kidner, Proverbs, 46). Not this man. Marriage, for him, was about more than pleasure and posterity. It was about camaraderie, fellowship, trust, grown from the soil of reverence for God (Proverbs 31:30). And so, in courtship, betrothal, and beyond, he rooted their union in godly fear.
“The Proverbs 31 man is strong enough not to fear his wife’s strength.”
We can taste the fruit of such trust in nearly every verse of the poem. In particular, notice that his trust in her frees him from the need to micromanage. He has drawn her into a household vision shaped by the fear of God, and she is with him, heart and soul. From that place of implicit trust, she blooms with womanly action — gathering, buying, selling, providing, teaching, giving, making — and he enjoys “the fruit of her hands” (Proverbs 31:31).
Before and above every marital priority, then, a Proverbs 31 man cultivates with his wife a fellowship of holy fear. Family devotions trump television. Sunday worship beats Sunday football. His own comforts take a back seat to her Christlikeness. And because she fears God, he is not afraid to trust her.
He values her strength.
The Proverbs 31 woman presents us with a paradox. She is, on the one hand, far too domestic and typically feminine to please many moderns. Yet she is, on the other hand, far too tough and subversively feminine to please many mere traditionalists. Her fingers are not too smooth to handle a shovel, nor too calloused to hold thread (Proverbs 31:16, 19). Without ceasing to be distinctly feminine, “she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong” (Proverbs 31:17).
And the poem suggests that her husband loves it. When he comes home to find his wife with dirt under her fingernails (Proverbs 31:19), or when he listens to her laugh at the time to come (Proverbs 31:25), or when he watches her bustle about the home with an energy to rival his own (Proverbs 31:15, 22, 27), he is not intimidated. He is strong enough not to fear her strength.
On the contrary, their camaraderie suggests that her strength is his desire, his pleasure, his aim. Her passion and fortitude are part of what make her “excellent” in his eyes (Proverbs 31:10, 29). God calls us men, likewise, to grow so high in maturity in Christ, and so deep in security in Christ, that we do not balk at our wives’ womanly strength, but instead seek to cultivate it.
A husband who does the opposite, who diminishes his wife’s strength either directly (by discouraging her from certain activities available to godly women) or indirectly (by refusing to grow strong himself), does not want a helpmate, but just a handmaid.
He gives himself to God’s calling.
Proverbs 31 bears the marks of careful literary craftsmanship, from its acrostic Hebrew structure to the themes that weave throughout. In verses 20–27, the poem also includes a chiasm, a literary device that highlights the center of a passage. When we trace the path to the center of this chiasm, we land at verse 23: “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.”
As Derek Kidner writes, though “her influence spreads far beyond the home . . . her achievements are (as she would wish) valued most of all for their contribution to her husband’s fortune and good standing” (Proverbs, 46). In other words, she summons her remarkable strength primarily to support her husband’s calling.
As the helper of her husband, this wife finds her mission under the wings of his (Genesis 2:18). Their callings are less like two sets of train tracks and more like the trunk and branches of a tree: she makes the home strong and stable so that he can branch out and offer the family’s fruit to the world. Of course, the wife’s calling often brings her out into the world, and the husband’s always brings him back to the household (Proverbs 31:14, 16, 20, 24). But in general, she takes dominion at home so that he can do the same abroad (Proverbs 31:11, 15, 21, 27).
What does this mean for our Proverbs 31 man? It means, counterintuitively, that he serves his wife’s calling best when he gives himself to a big calling of his own. If a man has only a small vision — not only in his work but in his family, church, and community — then he needs only small assistance from his wife. But if his vision is grand and godly, then, as Herman Bavinck writes, she can “assist in the fullest and broadest sense, physically and spiritually, with her wisdom and love, with her head and her heart” (The Christian Family, 6).
And make no mistake: he requires such assistance. The poem implies that this man can hold up his head in the gates not merely because of who he is in himself, but because of what kind of woman he has: not rottenness in his bones, but a crown on his head (Proverbs 12:4).
He praises her.
The poem’s only speech comes at the end, from the lips of an admiring husband:
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:28–29)
Is he speaking in hyperbole? Probably. But just as the lover can call his beloved “most beautiful among women” (Song of Solomon 1:8), so this man can say, “You surpass them all.” In his eyes, she does.
“In the logic of the gospel, love begets loveliness; praise begets praiseworthiness.”
Such praise is not only a response to a wife’s blooming loveliness, but also a means of cultivating more. In the logic of the gospel — on which all true husbandry rests — love begets loveliness; praise begets praiseworthiness. First comes the love of Jesus; then comes the loveliness of the bride (Ephesians 5:25–27). A husband who withholds his praise, yet expects praiseworthiness, is like a gardener who withholds water until the plants grow.
Does your wife display any trustworthiness (Proverbs 31:11), any diligence in her calling (Proverbs 31:15), any nurturing care toward your children (Proverbs 31:21), any wisdom toward your neighbors (Proverbs 31:26), any generosity toward the poor (Proverbs 31:20)? Then you have reason, without insecurity, to give warm, thoughtful, specific praise.
Praise her in public and in private, with her and without her. Praise her to the kids, to the neighbors, and to your friends. Praise her for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. And expect that as you do so, she will grow more and more praiseworthy.
A Christian husband does not turn his back to God when he praises his wife. Just as his trust in his wife is ultimately trust in the God whom she fears (Proverbs 31:11), so his praise of his wife is ultimately praise to the God who gave her (Proverbs 19:14). When the Proverbs 31 man praises his wife for the work of her hands, he is praising God for the work of his hands: her.
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. (Prov. 31:10)
The wise husband actually, in a sense, compares his wife to other women, and even to exotic gemstones, but he discovers the same result every time: she is amazing. “You surpass them all,” he declares (Prov. 31:29). When he sees his wife’s amazingness clearly, he sees her as God does. She’s precious.
The wise husband never demeans his wife, or puts her down, or makes her the butt of a joke. She’s far too precious for a cheap laugh. The husband who fears the Lord believes and lives in sync with the fact that his wife is far more valuable than a truck bed filled with diamonds. She’s rare; therefore, she’s treasured above all the things moth and rust will destroy. A man ought to be enamored with his wife. She is far more interesting and invigorating than Netflix, touchdowns, or a beautiful golf swing.
Men who find more joy tinkering in the garage, fiddling with their hobbies, hanging with the fellas, or working late into the night rather than being with the wife of their youth reveal their heart’s appraisal system is out of whack.
It is the wise man who sees his wife as a living and breathing testimony of God’s grace toward him. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” (Prov. 18:22). Husbands who want to live for the glory of Christ must ask some critical questions. Is my wife precious to me? Does she sense how much I adore her? After God himself, would she believe how dear she is to me because of how I love her? Is it obvious?
2. A Proverbs 31 man creates a culture of flourishing.
The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. (Prov. 31:11)
What’s unmistakable in Proverbs 31 is how fruitful, productive, and active this woman is. She is buying fields, making goods to sell at the market, tending to everyone in the house. She’s a go-getter because her husband isn’t a dictator. There is no room for a messiah complex in marriage.
A Proverbs 31 man trusts his wife; he’s not suspicious of her, not cynical towards her ideas. The wise man supports, encourages, and refuses to micromanage her. There is a difference between gospel-formed leadership and flesh-favoring control. It’s impossible for man to maintain his control issues while he lives crucified with Christ.
The Proverbs 31 woman goes out and buys a field without her husband on her hip. I imagine this lovely couple talked before they both headed out to tackle the day: “Honey, I think I’m going to check out some fields today. I might even buy one. What do you think?” I imagine he replied, “Go get it, babe. I trust you.”
I heard of a man insisting he approve the weekly grocery list before his wife went to the store. Ridiculous. Sure, talk about what’s needed for the week, and talk about the budget, but let her do her thing. Even as I’m typing this sentence, my wife is in the other room buying a new dishwasher and cooktop for our kitchen, and I have no clue what she is getting. I trust her. She knows our budget and our family’s needs. Go for it, babe.
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Prov. 31:28–29)
This is an amazing home. It’s a safe environment, a place of encouragement, a culture of love. There is a gospel culture in the home. Children, who haven’t learned the stealthy ways of selfishness like adults, rise up and encourage their mom. And what does the husband do? He joins in the honoring of his precious bride. “There are lots of great women in the world, honey, but you are the best. What a woman you are!” It’s real, it’s sincere, and it’s godly.
The Proverbs 31 man seeks to encourage his wife and labors to outdo her in showing honor (Rom. 12:10). No one has ever felt too honored, but the wise husband gives it a whirl as he pours encouragement and thanksgiving onto his praiseworthy wife. I suspect most husbands—if not most believers—are prone to underencouraging others. Let’s change that today (1 Thess. 5:11).
When was the last time you moved forward in an umprompted, pure act of love to encourage your wife? The wise husband seeks to affirm, thank, and honor his precious wife. He, like Christ, nourishes and cherishes his bride (Eph. 5:29).
The mega-grace we enjoy in the gospel gives us the power, the vision, and the heart to build one other up (Eph. 4:29). Brothers, it’s no longer us who live, but Christ who lives in us (Gal. 2:20). The ultimate Proverbs 31 man is alive and well in the heavenly places, leading us, guiding, us, empowering us, and conforming us into his image. The Proverbs 31 man is more than a neat way to go about husbanding—it’s the way of Christ. He rejoices over his bride. He encourages us, walks with us, and fills us with his Spirit. Jesus Christ is the Proverbs 31 man in the flesh. Let’s draw near to him and he will draw near to us—and then we, and the homes we lead, will never be the same.
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