Sharing truth in love...

 The title of this article is one of the most difficult implicit commands in Scripture: “[S]peaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). It is difficult to obey because it links in a single imperative the three most difficult aspects of life for human beings to consistently control: speech, truth, and love.  

Our speech often betrays our secret thoughts and our untamable tongues. Jesus said, “The things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them” (Matthew 15:18). And our Lord’s brother asserted, “No human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8). So, who among us can testify that he has never had a sinful, vindictive, hateful, or judgmental thought? And who among us has never regretted something hurtful or unfiltered we said in a moment of weakness to another person?  

Our experience with truth isn’t much better. How often have we lied to make ourselves look good? Who hasn’t passed on a juicy piece of gossip about someone else? Consider the times we have told people what they wanted to hear rather than what was true. Paul wrote, “Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25). And then, two chapters later, “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist” (Ephesians 6:14). The belt of truth holds the rest of the armor of God in place! Truth is the foundational virtue on which all others are dependent. 

What about love? Well, sometimes we “feel” it and sometimes we don’t, right? But Christian love is not a feeling! It is an exercise of the will, not the temperature of the heart. It is a matter of obedience. It is extended universally to others by truly godly people, even when it is not reciprocated. It is the first fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). It is our primary identifier as disciples of Jesus (John 13:35). 

It is a great daily challenge to consistently “speak the truth in love.” But as Christian leaders, we must strive to do just that in the following three arenas.  

CONVERSATION

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). God made us with two ears and one mouth, perhaps because he wants us to do twice as much listening as speaking. God mounted our ears on either side of our mouth, perhaps because he wants us to be the first to hear and evaluate what we say . . . and in stereo! It is easier to “speak the truth in love” when we have listened first. Listening allows us time to evaluate the content and tone of the conversation and to be more thoughtful in our response. Being “slow to speak” means to be controlled in what we say. It means we thoughtfully respond rather than thoughtlessly react.  

Conversations are frequently negative and critical in the present cultural climate. Divisiveness is rife. And even when we are with people who agree with our politics or values, we can easily get carried away into unhealthy rhetoric. So, let’s be vigilant to remain “in the moment” and deliver a “word fitly spoken” (Proverbs 25:11, English Standard Version). 

CONFRONTATION

Though confrontation is a natural and necessary part of life, (almost) no one enjoys it. But sometimes a hard “meeting of the minds” simply must take place to renew a marriage, salvage a friendship, discipline a child, or correct bad behavior in an employee or a bad attitude in a Christian brother or sister. In this context, “speaking the truth in love” is critical. Confrontation will be agony if handled poorly, but it can be ecstasy if handled proficiently.  

And the key to confronting effectively is found in the charge to “speak the truth in love.” Truth and love tend to get out of balance. Truth without love creates defensiveness or denial in the person being confronted. And love without truth simply results in an unresolved problem.  

PROCLAMATION 

The ethical gold standard for effectively preaching and teaching the Word of God is to “speak the truth in love.” Obedience to this command is most vital in this context. The sermons in the book of Acts are the model for all contemporary preachers and teachers. From Peter’s sermon in Jerusalem on the Day of Pentecost (Acts 2) to Paul’s sermon to the Jews under house arrest in Rome (Acts 28), the balance between truth and love is laced into every message. So, remember these principles: 

• If preaching is untrue and unloving, listeners will be subjected to public bullying. This kind of preaching is nothing more than a deceitful attack designed to manipulate and dominate. It is the doctrine and spirit of the Westboro Baptist Church.  
• If preaching is untrue but loving, it means people will be misled, yet cared for. But real love is not possible without truth. To build a church by not telling people the truth from Scripture is to merely replicate a social club or a cult. 
• If preaching is true but unloving, it will produce a community of people that has answers no one is interested in hearing. To be long on truth and short on compassion is to ensure a perpetually small and provincial body of believers. 
• If preaching is true and loving, it will result in a growing community of people who will “become in every respect the mature body of him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” 

Ephesians 4:15–16 says: "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." It is from these verses that we get the concept of "speaking the truth in love." When people use the phrase "speaking the truth in love," often they use it to refer to times when difficult truths must be conveyed; the phrase is a reminder to communicate with kindness, even in touchy situations. While this may be a good perspective, the phrase means even more when we look at the verses leading up to it.

Throughout Ephesians 4, Paul is writing about unity in the church and exhorting the believers to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called" (Ephesians 4:1). He talks about the body of Christ functioning as a singular body made up of many parts and many roles, all given by God (Ephesians 1:4–7, 11–12). The body of Christ is designed to work together to help each other grow into spiritual maturity. When we are spiritually mature, we are no longer easily deceived by false doctrine or scheming people (Ephesians 4:13–14).

So, when we look at Ephesians 4:15–16, we see that speaking the truth in love is an important part of our spiritual maturing process. We are to speak truth—the truths of the gospel, the truths of God's character, and the truths of what He has called believers to. We should speak God's Word to each other, even the parts that bring correction or discomfort. All of this is to be motivated by love for one another and a mutual desire that we may progressively become more spiritually mature. When we are speaking the truth to someone, our goal should always be that it will ultimately build them. Just several sentences later, Paul says: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29). The truth can be painful to hear, but it will bear good fruit in the life of one who hears it and responds.

Part of the spiritual maturing process involves getting rid of "your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another" (Ephesians 4:22–25). The Devil is a liar and deceiver, so our old selves are bound to be trapped in his lies. Jesus brings truth, so in Him, as we continue to love, seek, and speak the truth, we walk in greater levels of maturity and true freedom in Christ. Love and truth go hand-in-hand (1 Corinthians 13:6). If we truly love, we will want to share truth. If we know the truth, we know we are to love others.

Jesus came "from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:14), and we also should exemplify grace and truth to others. As people of God, we show others that we are His children and that He is at work in our lives by our love (John 13:34–35; 15:1–17). Because we know God and His truth, we love others. Because we love others, we speak the truth to them. This includes speaking the truth in love to those who do now know Jesus; we should share the truth of the gospel with them (1 Peter 3:15; Matthew 28:19). Without Jesus Christ, we are all dead in our sins and fated to eternity in hell (John 3:16–18; Romans 6:23); but through Christ, we become born again into a new life and will have eternity with Him (Romans 10:9–15; 2 Corinthians 5:17). We share the truth of the gospel because we love people and we know that Jesus died for theirs sins, not just ours. God's love compels us to share His truth and love with others (1 John 4:7–12).

Where Do We Speak the Truth in Love? 

1. We must speak the truth in love to our own hearts. Proverbs 27:19 says, “As in water face reflects a face, so a man’s heart reveals the man.” How can we help someone else if we aren’t being honest with ourselves first? Are we seeing clearly or are we clouded by bitterness or resentment? (See Matthew 7:1-5). 
2. We must speak the truth in love in our homes.This certainly does not mean that I have to speak my mind on every subject that comes up in a given day. But it does mean that if a child or a spouse or anyone else living in the home has an ongoing pattern of wrong attitudes or actions, then I am to address it.  
3. We must speak the truth in love in our houses of worship.This would include anyone who belongs to Christ. We have cited Matthew 18 already, so suffice it to say that when there is an offense, we have a responsibility to go to that person, and then make sure we follow through the steps if there is no repentance. 
4. We must speak the truth in love in our hostile world.Please know that practicing this will no doubt incur persecution and hatred. Jesus has given us full warning of this in John 15:18-25. 

But love must always begin with the truth. Love comes to us through Christ, and Christ is the perfect embodiment of the truth of God. That is to say, God knows the way things really are, and he wraps his knowledge in love and brings it to us through his Son. So if we are ever to love as God loves, we must begin with the truth, not with falsity, evasion, or fairy­tales. It is true that telling the truth may lead to conflict or upset feelings—ours or others’. But genuine grace, mercy, and peace come from facing reality and working through difficulties to genuine resolutions.

How Do We Speak the Truth in Love? 

We should pray before, during, and after our conversation with them. Pray that God would open their heart to hear truth, pray while you’re speaking that your words would not fall on deaf ears or a hard heart, and pray afterward that the dear Holy Spirit would do the work of conviction of sin and lead them to repentance.  

Coupled with prayer is patience, as Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:14.

What is the Result of Speaking the Truth in Love? 

Paul gives us several results in 2 Timothy 2:25-26. The first fruit mentioned is repentance, which is a turning from sin. Paul mentions another result is that the person we’re speaking to may come to their senses. This means to change their thinking like one awakened out of a deep sleep. Another result is to escape the snare of the devil. This is a reference to his tricks. Many do not realize they are being held captive by the evil one.  

“Speaking the truth in love” is a popular phrase which is used often in Christian circles, but are we actually doing it effectively for the glory of God? Speaking the truth in love in a post-truth world is challenging, but a wise Christian will remember the wisdom of Solomon’s words in Proverbs 8:7, “For my mouth will speak truth; wickedness is an abomination to my lips.”