Biblical marital roles

 

SCRIPTURAL DIRECTION AND BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES

Jesus Christ gave us the perfect example.
In thinking about your role in marriage, consider the example Jesus provided from His life on earth. He fully exemplified servant leadership, balancing headship of the body of believers and submission to God
(Matt. 20:26-27, Phil. 2:5-8).

Scripture provides us with direction for God’s design for marriage.
Society’s standards for marriage and for the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives are ever-changing and often do not align with Scripture. Couples must regularly consult the Bible for direction and guidance as it reveals God’s design for marriage and helps identify and correct unbiblical thinking (2 Tim. 3:16-17, Heb. 4:12).

Marriage is a joint effort that requires mutual submission.
Living out your roles in marriage, agreeing on and fulfilling responsibilities, and making decisions for your family should be a joint process characterized by mutual submission. Your actions and decisions should be consistent with your love for the Lord rather than selfish ambition (Col. 3:23).

Seek wise counsel.
As decisions are faced in marriage, it is often helpful to seek guidance from wise individuals. Getting another perspective can provide a different point of view, reveal blind spots, and help you learn from the experiences of others (Prov. 19:20).

God’s Word provides us with a foundation we can trust.
Through the living Word, God has provided sufficient teaching and guidance to understand the plan of salvation and to know how to live a holy life. This can give you comfort in your marriage, knowing God’s Word is always trustworthy and the best source for counsel in decision making in marriage (2 Peter 1:3-4).

God has promised wisdom to those who ask.
At certain times in life, you may not have specific scriptural guidance on making a specific decision. In these cases, God has promised He will give you wisdom to work through these things. You can have confidence He will help you through life as you humbly seek Him and walk “in the way of wisdom” (Prov. 4:11-13, James 1:5-6).

Prayer must be a vital part in making decisions.
Fervent prayer is a key for every individual and couple who are seeking to make decisions. God is a loving, trustworthy heavenly Father who wants the best for His children. His plans and purposes are for your good and the benefit of His kingdom. Therefore, while submitting your will to God can be a difficult task, it also can provide you with great peace and comfort, even when your circumstances are uncertain (Matt. 7:7-11).

PRACTICAL APPLICATION

Roles in marriage.

Each spouse is equal in value, yet distinct in role.
God designed an order to be followed in marriage and family (1 Corinthians 11:3). God’s intent is for marriage to reflect the relationship and oneness of the Trinity (see how Jesus referred to His oneness with the Father in John 17:21-23). Each person of the Trinity is distinct, yet intimately connected with the other. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are each equal in value, yet distinct in role. Similarly, husbands and wives are equal in value, yet distinct in role. God’s image is revealed in both the husband and the wife.

These roles are designed to be complementary.
The Scripture contains general and specific teachings concerning both the roles of husbands and wives. Consideration must be given to both husbands and wives; God designed these roles to complement one another, and one role is incomplete without the other. For example, wives are able to submit to their husbands more easily when husbands love their wives with the self-sacrificing love that Christ exemplified on earth. Likewise, husbands more naturally show love and affection toward their wives when the husbands feel esteemed and valued. These principles are illustrated in Ephesians 5:21-33, which provides some very important insights into God’s design for men and women.

Spouses should practice mutual respect, honor, and submission.
Through the Word, God reveals a number of important principles about His design for relationships. The importance of mutual respect, honor, and submission is one of those themes. For example, He affirms the need for these principles between parents and children (Ephesians 6:2), servants and masters (1 Timothy 6:1), citizens and governmental authorities (1 Peter 2:17), and church members and church leadership (1 Timothy 5:17).

Mutual respect, honor, and submission are also keenly present or absent in marital relationships (1 Cor. 7:3, Eph. 5:21). Their presence helps relationships flow more smoothly through the ups and downs of life. Their absence leads to emotional hurt, disconnection, and conflict. It is easy to critique how well you feel your spouse is doing at showing respect, honor, and submission to you. However, each husband and wife should really focus on assessing how he or she is doing personally by looking into the mirror of the Word.

There are specific teachings for husbands and wives.
The Scripture passages below are organized into verses specifically addressed to husbands and verses specifically addressed to wives. Note how God encourages husbands and wives to meet their spouse’s deepest needs. It is our privilege to help each other to develop into Christ’s likeness and to reflect God’s glory.

Husbands, love your wives.
Husbands are called to assume the role of a Christ-like servant leader who will watch for and guide the course of the family. This role includes loving in a self-sacrificing way that does what is necessary to make a wife feel nourished and cherished (Eph. 5:25-30, Col. 3:19).

Husbands must remember that while they have been given the role as the spiritual leader of the home, it does not give them authorization to “rule” in an authoritative way. Being domineering, controlling, or disrespectful to one’s wife is sinful. Likewise, not fulfilling one’s duty to attend to the spiritual needs of the family due to absence, passivity, apathy, or neglect is sin. The husband is to be intentional about understanding and being sensitive to his wife. Not doing so will hinder the husband’s spiritual life (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands have also been given the role of providing for the needs of their family (1 Tim. 5:8).

Wives, respect your husbands.
Wives are called to respect and be submissive to their husbands. This involves a willingness to assume the role of a wife that is Christ-like, encouraging, respectful, and helpful to their husbands (Gen. 2:18, Eph. 5:22-24, 33).

Respecting one’s husband does not indicate the wife is of lesser value than the husband. Rather, it involves being his partner in the way that is designed to bring out the best in him. God’s design for a wife’s role in marriage does not include being domineering nor being a doormat. Either extreme will promote an unbiblical marital relationship and needs to be corrected (Col. 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1-2).

Instructions for both husbands and wives.
A number of roles and responsibilities apply equally to both spouses. The listing of verses below is not exhaustive; rather, it serves as a starting point for your own study of the Word on this topic.

• Have a servant’s heart (John 13:12-17).
• Raise your children to know the Lord (Prov. 22:6).
• Respect church leadership (Heb. 13:17).
• Respect governmental authority (1 Peter 2:13-16).

Responsibilities.

In marriage, each spouse needs to have a role that is recognized and valued with certain responsibilities to which he or she is held accountable. Take time to delegate responsibilities, deciding which spouse will take ownership over specific tasks, areas of the home, decisions, etc. Delegating responsibilities is a process whereby both the husband and wife mutually agree on assigning the responsibility for each task. In this way, each spouse makes a commitment to take care of something and is accountable to the other spouse for following through.

There are benefits to deciding on responsibilities.
While having both spouses involved in various responsibilities is beneficial, one still needs to take ownership. Responsibility involves action, follow-through, and accountability. Defining roles and responsibilities is beneficial because it reduces the possibility for misunderstandings (“I thought you were going take care of that”), blame (“I did my part, but you didn’t”), and criticism (“Why did you do it that way?”). A clear assignment of responsibilities reduces the opportunity for conflict, such as when trash day comes around or a bill is due. Defining responsibilities also allows you to form healthy boundaries in your marriage. Think of it this way: “Boundaries help determine who is responsible for what. If you understand who owns [is responsible for] what, you then know who must take responsibility for it.”

Be willing to help each other.
While deciding on responsibilities is helpful, spouses should not be overly rigid about who does the tasks. If your spouse is overwhelmed and needs help getting his/her responsibilities taken care of, by all means, help. In doing so, you help bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and attend to your own personal responsibilities (Galatians 6:5).

When spouses feel support from each other during stressful times, trust and closeness are fostered. Spouses who work cooperatively empower one another, help each other feel needed, and sometimes accomplish tasks more quickly (Ecc. 4:9).

How are responsibilities defined and determined?
Responsibilities in marriage are largely determined by a spouse’s preferences, skills, interests, abilities, and time availability. Because of these variables, the definition of responsibilities will differ from couple to couple. If one spouse has more skill, discipline, or interest in taking care of something, then he or she should certainly feel free to do it.

Certain responsibilities can be shared yet are “owned” by one of the spouses.
There may be certain domains in which the husband or wife desires to have “ownership,” and these domains should be respected. For example, a couple may determine that one spouse holds the primary role of taking care of the family’s finances, budgeting, paying bills, etc. The other spouse has input and helps as needed. This illustration is but one example of how responsibilities are in one sense “shared” by both spouses and yet “owned” by one of the spouses.

Avoid imbalance.
Problems can easily arise if the roles are not clearly defined, are too rigid, or if one or both of the spouses isn’t being accountable for taking care of his/her responsibilities. For example, if one spouse makes all of the decisions and has complete control, the marriage will be unbalanced. Conversely, if one spouse avoids responsibilities, procrastinates, or does not follow through on completing tasks, the marriage will be just as imbalanced. In order to avoid problems in these areas, remember to “check-in” with your spouse and discuss how each of you feels about the arrangement of responsibilities in the marriage. It is particular important to have “check-in’s” during life transitions, such as the transition to parenthood, as roles and responsibilities may need to shift. Clear, proactive communication can help you deal with these issues when they arise.

Decision making.

Be proactive about decision making.
The foundation for making good decisions is a prayerful attitude that is submissive to the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. Discuss your expectations for how decisions will be made and how the two of you manage decision-making gridlock. Questions to consider may include:

• What types of decisions require a discussion between the two of you?
• What types of decisions can you each make without consulting the other? (For example, making purchases of small items for the house may not need a discussion between the spouses. However, a decision about purchasing a new car will likely require a consensus.)
• What will you do and who will you contact when you cannot agree on a decision?

Leaving, cleaving, and making decisions as a couple.
Particularly in the beginning of a marital relationship, making decisions can be a difficult process. Each spouse may be used to making decisions on his/her own without having to consider another person. Or decisions were made with the help of parents. The decision-making process may also be influenced by how each spouse sees his/her role in the marriage. In marriage, part of “leaving and cleaving” involves mutual decision making. Some individuals may need to shift away from a situation in which parents or roommates had primary influence on decisions. Instead, decisions are made considering one’s spouse first.

Other examples of potentially difficult decisions relate to holidays and in-laws. A married couple has to make decisions about how and where they will celebrate holidays. These decisions can be particularly difficult when the couple does not live near one or both sides of the family. They can be further complicated when in-laws put pressure, intentionally or unintentionally, on the couple to spend time with them. Realize compromise and flexibility are often required for these types of decisions, and ultimately, each couple must come to their own decision about what to do.

Common sense, logic, and signs can all be a part of decision making.
Sometimes decision making is simple; unfortunately, many times it isn’t. However, if you follow the principles set out in God’s Word, you can have confidence that the Lord will see you through. In decision making, you need to avoid both the error of the Jews (over-focus on supernatural signs) and the Greeks (over-focus on earthy wisdom). Both ways hinder a true understanding of God’s ways
(1 Cor. 1:22-24).

Like the Greeks, some people over-focus on learning, earthly wisdom, and logic. Because of this, many of them find faith to be an illogical and foreign concept. However, believers know that without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). Scriptural principles like “going the extra mile” (Matthew 5:41) or “turning the other cheek” (Matthew 5:39) are not learned from common sense. Rather, those are spiritual principles and matters of faith that go against what is natural. In the context of biblical decision making, this means that you must not make decisions solely upon what “everyone’s doing,” or what appears to be the most natural or easiest solution. Rather, your primary allegiance in decision making must be to biblical teaching and principles.

Conversely, like the Jews, some people seek to oversimplify decisions by looking for signs or feelings that indicate a direction. For example, some people believe that if something happens easily or goes smoothly, it is automatically a sign of God’s favor. On the other hand, sometimes people believe that if something is difficult or they encounter setbacks, it must be a sign that God thinks something is bad. However, while the ease or difficulty of working through something may be an indicator of God’s direction, these factors should not be the only evidence used to determine God’s direction. God can speak in any way that He chooses and sometimes it can be in the form of a sign. However, remember that human beings are susceptible to reading into things based on their biases and interpretations.

Seek counsel.
Proverbs 13:10 says, “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” You may seek out different individuals for each topic area, or you may choose to consult an individual about more than one area. Remember to seek counsel from individuals who are wise in the Lord and who will have the ability to advise you even if the advice isn’t what you want to hear.

We have freedom and responsibility.
We need to remember that God could have written the Bible in any way He wanted. That means He could have included a ten-volume set with answers to common questions that come up in parenting, choosing a job, or deciding on a college, but He didn’t. In the Scripture, God has set out guidelines for what His children need to do and what they need to avoid. He didn’t design His children to be robots without any freedom nor did He design them to be moral free agents that can do whatever they want. When you have taken care to live within the teachings of God’s Word, you can have confidence He will honor your requests made with a humble heart (see figure below).

Understanding preferences, house rules, organizational norms, and absolutes.
The figure below helps outline the different levels of decisions you will face in your marriage. Often difficulties may arise when the two of you see the issue on different levels of the pyramid. Before coming to a decision as a couple, you both need to agree on the underlying level of importance of the decision.Below are descriptions of each level:

• Preferences are personal opinions, decisions, and choices. For example, your favorite restaurant, color, or model of car are all preferences. Two individuals may agree or disagree about each other’s preferences, but neither is wrong.
• House Rules are rules of conduct established by families or groups of closely related people. For example, in a family, the parents have the privilege and responsibility to create and maintain the house rules for their own home. Two sets of parents may agree or disagree about these rules; however, they each must determine what they believe is best for their own family and abide by it. If one family sets the curfew for the children at 9:30pm and the other sets the curfew at 10:00pm, which one is wrong or better? Neither is. While each set of parents may disagree with each other, each set of parents has the responsibility to set the house rules for their own home.
• Organizational Norms are standards of conduct, behavior, dress, and participation/non-participation in activities established by businesses, churches, and social/service organizations. This level is where many church traditions and practices are found.
• Biblical Absolutes are God’s moral laws that are explicitly stated in the Bible as either commands or principles. These are true for all people, in all places, at all times. “Thou shalt not commit adultery”(Exodus 20:14) is a biblical absolute. Adultery is sin in God’s eyes – period. This has been true ever since the law was given and will remain true as long as the world stands.

Each level of the pyramid above has a different authority. For example, the authority for biblical absolutes is God’s Word. An organization determines organizational norms, while a family unit determines house rules. In a marriage, house rules, which may be described as personal “convictions,” become a couple decision rather than an individual decision. Each spouse should prayerfully and respectfully consider the other’s opinion, mutually submitting to one another.

This chart is implemented in the following example of deciding how to school children:

Always start with biblical absolutes.
Ask yourselves, “What does the Bible say about the education of children?” A few of the verses that speak to raising children include Deuteronomy 6:4-7and Proverbs 22:6. Clearly, there is a biblical mandate to raise children to know God’s ways. However, note the biblical instruction does not specifically address how children should be taught mathematics or geography or how to teach a child with a learning disability. Therefore, at the Biblical Absolutes level we have been given a clear teaching about the spiritual nurturance of children; however, it does not provide a command about other aspects of education.

Identify organizational norms.
Ask yourselves, “Has the church given direction on the education of children?”

The Elder Body has affirmed the biblical truth that children are to be brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The elders have concluded that the education of children is a decision parents must make thoughtfully and prayerfully; they acknowledge parents of one household may come to different conclusions about what is best for their children (public, private, or home schooling) than parents of another household. That said, the elders encourage all parents to have respect and Christ-like love for those who choose differently. Therefore, the organizational norm has affirmed the biblical absolute and has given guidance that parents should prayerfully consider the options, choose what best fits their family, and respect those that choose differently.

Create house rules.
Ask yourselves, “What do we, as a couple, believe about the education of children?”

House rules are accepted and/or created by a couple. Many house rules develop by default without much thought. For example, which chair does each person in the family sit in at supper time? Other times, house rules simply develop out of what the parents grew up with in their own families of origin. Conversely, some house rules are the result of a deliberate process of information gathering, prayer, discussion, and counsel.

A couple may find that they have very similar or dissimilar views on the education of children. However, as they pray, discuss, and gather information, they can come together to make a decision. Ultimately, the parents must make a decision for their own children and family, not anyone else’s. It is okay for them to choose an education option that is different from another couple. However, it is not okay for the couple to judge another couple’s decision. Once the couple has decided on what type of education they would like their children to have, the decision-making process is complete, and they must work toward implementing their decision.

Biblical decision-making principles and steps.
Below are some steps to consider when working through a decision-making process:

• Identify and clarify the decision that needs to be made. Humbly seek God’s guidance through prayer.
• Study the Word to determine if the decision involves biblical absolutes. If so, follow the scriptural principles laid out in the Bible.
• If the decision does not involve biblical absolutes or if the Bible has no explicit command or principle about the decision, see if the church provides teaching or guidance on how to proceed.
• Seek the counsel of someone you know and trust.
• Realize some decisions have multiple options, any of which may be acceptable to God. In these cases, you can use biblical wisdom principles to make a decision.
  • Identify the needs of those who will be affected by the decision.
  • Consider the short-term and long-term impacts of each option.
  • Evaluate pros and cons of the various aspects of the decision.
  • Remember just because something happens easily or smoothly doesn’t necessarily mean it is good, and just because something is difficult doesn’t necessarily mean it is bad.
  • Implement your choice.
  • Re-evaluate the actual implications of your choice.

Of course, as believers, we want to fulfill the law of Christ. But I want to help you discern today which burdens you should be carrying and how to carry them in a way that doesn’t negatively impact your life, your relationships, and your health.

What does it mean to bear one another’s burdens?

Let’s look a little deeper into the meaning of some of these words from the original Greek. The word, ‘bear,’ in the original Greek means ‘to lift’. God wants us to bring relief to others not by falling under the weight of their burden but by lifting these burdens up to Him.

In addition, 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Casting all your care on Him for He cares for you.”

That may include casting a care that’s going on in your life or casting a care that you are helping someone else carry.

The definition of the word ‘casting’ from the original Greek is ‘to throw upon.’ So we take that care, and we don’t wear it or burden ourselves down with it; we lift it up with faith and cast it upon the Lord. Why? Because He cares for you and your friend or loved one.

The Word ‘care’ in the original Greek constitutes the idea of distraction. Many of our cares distract us from what God wants to do in our lives. This definition also speaks of anxiety, concern, excessive attentiveness, and dividing or separating into parts.

We don’t want to be so distracted by anxieties and by excessive attentiveness to other people’s issues or our own that we are fragmented and divided into parts. We may find ourselves running over here to do this, running over there to deal with that, and yet miss God’s purpose for us all together.

Empathy is still important

Don’t get me wrong, it is good and proper to be empathetic with what is going on in other people’s lives. If someone is excited, we can be excited with them. If they are going through something that they are weeping and broken about, we can weep with them. There are times when I’ve joined someone in their weeping, and my spirit was moved to weep with them, and God came and met both of us powerfully by His Spirit to bring renewal and healing.

Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with them that rejoice and weep with those that weep.

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Romans 12:15 KJV

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be empathetic or that we need to be more reserved and less engaged. But I want to make sure that we’re engaged with what the Spirit of God wants us to engage with.

When might bearing one another’s burdens become unhealthy?

There is a place where we may get too overwhelmed with other people’s struggles. We may become distressed and be hurting about what someone is going through. When we struggle with believing God and trusting Him, we can dip into heaviness. The Bible calls it a spirit of heaviness in Isaiah 61:3. A spirit of heaviness is from the enemy’s kingdom. As we are drawn to help people out of a good heart and to bear one another’s burdens, the enemy may try to join us with a spirit of heaviness. This will promote fear. We may fearthat things won’t work out well or that we don’t know what to do.

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to lean not on our own understanding but to acknowledge God in all of our ways.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV

It’s okay that you don’t know what to do because it’s time to trust that God knows what to do. God can overthrow that spirit of heaviness and replace it.

The Spirit of God in us can overthrow the spirit of heaviness

Here’s what Isaiah 61:1-3 says:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3 KJV

Let God handle your cares for you

There may be times that we recognize there is heaviness in our lives; where we’ve been drawn into hopelessness and fear. Take that care and go to the Father with it. We can talk to the Father and say, “Father, this is a great concern of mine; I am feeling troubled.”

Then we can focus our attention back on God and exalt His name and power in our lives through praise. We may say something like, “Father, I praise you. I know that you have a solution and a plan. Please teach me your ways and show me your paths.” Take your time praising Him with your mouth, from your heart.

Get your focus off what is not working, and put your eyes and heart on who is working; on God who has the power, and who has the solutions. If we just look for things to get solved in our own power or according to our own understanding, we’re going to miss the miraculous, mighty deliverance that God has prepared for us.

Making the switch from fearing to faithing

Once we’ve cast those cares on our loving Heavenly Father, we can begin to speak life and switch our attention to faithing in God for a positive outcome. I love how Pastor Benny Parish says, “I can’t wait to see how God is going to fix this!” That is a statement of faith! When we go to the Father and have that expectation of faith for how He will fix the problem, we are putting faith into motion. The scriptures say that when we pray, we need to believe that He hears us and that we have whatever we ask according to His will. This is a crucial point; in these situations, we need to practice trusting God.

Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive [them], and ye shall have [them].Mark 11:24 KJV

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us. And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him. 1 John 5:14-15

Understand the depth of how much God cares for you

We do all of this with confidence in the last part of 1 Peter 5:7. It says, “Casting all you care on Him for He cares for you.”

God’s care for you and your loved ones isn’t passive; it means God is actively taking care of you in that situation. If we want God to take care of the situation, then we need to cast it upon Him, let go of it, and trust Him with it.

I know that you care about the people in your life. But would it help if you didn’t have to become bogged down or oppressed with the amount of difficult situations in your life and in theirs?

Now the question is: What is a proper way to care when a burden comes into another person’s life?

When you see another person struggling, you may start by coming alongside them and begin to understand to what level they want you to be involved. From there, you can take that burden to God, and you can start faithing for them.

Perhaps they aren’t yet able to cast that care on the Lord for themselves. You can make a difference by empathizing and caring, and then through prayer, taking that burden and casting it upon the Lord. You are using your faith so that God may join it and take care of that situation. This is a great time to encourage that person and to remind them that God cares for them and that they, too, can cast their cares on Him. Remind them that God may have a solution that they cannot yet see. And assure them that God loves them, and He will never allow them to be tempted beyond what they can bear.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God [is] faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear [it]. 1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV

A word of caution

There is one thing I want you to understand here, that I have become aware of in my own journey; we are not required to fix people. Neither are we required to fix all of their problems. We can bear their burdens to the Lord and cast them on Him, but we must understand that God has a journey that He is walking with that person. We may find ourselves caring more about the situation than the person does. Maybe God wants to lead them to a point that they begin to care about what’s going on and take responsibility for some things in their own lives (see our article on Escaping Codependency). Perhaps they need to start crying out to Him so that He can grow their faith and relationship with Him as a son or daughter of God.

Remember who your source is and stay plugged in to Him

No matter what the case may be, it is always a wise idea to make a habit of seeking God about it first. Ask Him to lead you and direct you about the level you should get involved. I want to caution you, be careful not to become so involved and relieve so much of the burden or pressure or anxiety that they don’t need to go to God. We do not need to be the Holy Spirit for them. What we can do is lead them to the love of the Father so that He can meet their hearts where they need it most