BIBLICAL MARRIAGE-

 Some of you have made the mistake of buying your children toys that had the understated words on the box, “Some assembly required.” Most of us guys don’t bother with reading the assembly instructions. We think, “I’ve got this,” and plunge in. Reading the instruction manual seems like admitting that we’re incompetent! We’d rather figure it out by ourselves.

Marriage comes with the label, “Much assembly required!” It takes a lifetime of work to put it together the right way. Most of us plunged in without carefully reading the instruction manual, confident that we could figure it out. But that approach gets us into trouble. So we need to read and re-read the manufacturer’s instructions often. Most of the problems we get into in marriage can be traced to our neglect of reading and obeying God’s instructions.

Early in Genesis, the book of beginnings, we learn why God designed marriage (Gen. 2:18-25). This description of the original marriage is the basis for almost everything else the Bible says about marriage. This text also gives us many principles which, if applied, enable us to build solid, satisfying marriages that glorify God. These verses teach us that:

God designed marriage to meet our need for companionship and to provide a picture of our relationship with Him.

The name used for God, translated “Lord [Yahweh] God” (Gen. 2:18, 19, 21, 22) emphasizes His covenant relationship with His people. Genesis 1 refers to God as “Elohim,” emphasizing His power as the Creator. Genesis 2 refers to Him as the Lord God, showing that the powerful Creator is also the personal God who cares for His creatures. This caring, personal God knew that the man He created had a need. So He took action to meet that need.

1. God designed marriage to meet the human need for companionship.

When you read Genesis 1 & 2, God’s words (Gen. 2:18) hit abruptly: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Throughout chapter one, God surveys His work and pronounces it good (Gen. 1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31). This is the first time God says that something in His creation is not good. That should grab our attention!

Think about it: Here is a sinless man, in perfect fellowship with God, in a perfect environment. What more could you want? Isn’t that enough? Not according to God! God’s evaluation was that the man needed a human companion to correspond to him.

Sometimes super-spiritual people say that if you’re lonely, there must be something wrong with your spiritual life. But God acknowledges our need not only for fellowship with Him, but also with a life partner. This is not to say that every person needs to be married. Everyone spends many years of life as a single person. God has called some to remain single (1 Cor. 7:7-9). Nor is it to say that marriage will meet all our needs for companionship. Married people need friends of the same sex. But it is to say that a main reason God designed marriage was to meet the human need for companionship. As Derek Kidner points out (Genesis [IVP], p. 65), “Nothing is yet said of her as a childbearer. She is valued for herself alone.” First, we must affirm:

A. God designed marriage.

That means that He knows best how it should operate. His Word gives us the principles we need for satisfying marriages. Since God designed marriage, it takes three to make a good marriage: God, the man, and the woman. He didn’t create another man for Adam, but rather, a woman. “Gay marriage” is not marriage at all, but a perversion of it. Also, for a Christian to marry an unbeliever is not only to disobey God; it is to enter marriage lacking a crucial ingredient. Marriage has been described as a triangle with God at the top: the closer each partner moves to God, the closer they move toward each other. The further each moves from God, the further they move from each other. As soon as Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they experienced alienation from each other and Adam began blaming Eve for his problems (Gen. 3:7, 12). Broken marriages always involve at least one partner moving away from God. So the starting place for having a marriage according to God’s design is genuine conversion and a daily walk with God.

God says that He will make Adam “a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). The Hebrew word is not demeaning. It is often used of God’s help for those in distress and for military assistance. It points to the fact that the husband needs and even depends on his wife’s support and help (Prov. 31:11). But we also need to remember Paul’s words (1 Cor. 11:9) that “man was not created for woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” That verse alone destroys the feminist view that there are no distinctions based on gender. The fact that God created the woman as a helper points to her subordinate role to her husband, even before the fall.

But at the same time, there is no basis for the view that men are superior to women. God made the woman to be a helper “suitable for” (“corresponding to”) the man. The woman is the missing part of the man. Just as a jigsaw puzzle is incomplete if half the pieces are missing, so a man is incomplete without his wife. God designed it so that the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man (see 1 Cor. 11:11). Both are equal persons and yet have distinct roles to fulfill.

God made Adam out of the dust (Gen. 2:7). Why did He make Eve from Adam’s rib rather than from the dust (Gen. 2:21-22)? I think that God did it to show Adam that his wife was a part of him, equal with him, and not a lower creation. A man is to cherish his wife as his own flesh (Eph. 5:28-29). As has often been said, she was not taken from Adam’s head to rule over him, nor from his feet, that he should put her down, but she was taken from his side so that he would protect her and keep her close to his heart.

Why didn’t God create Adam and Eve simultaneously? Before God created Eve he put Adam through the task of naming the animals (Gen. 2:19-20). Why in this context is there this strange exercise of naming the animals? God had a lesson to teach Adam. By naming all the animals, Adam discovered that for every animal there were both male and female. After a few dozen cases—male and female aardvarks, all the way to male and female zebras—Adam finished his job and wondered, “Where’s mine?” The forlorn note reads (Gen. 2:20), “but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.”

God first made Adam feel the need for a wife. A dog may be man’s best friend, but it could not satisfy Adam’s need for companionship. Only a woman could. God sometimes makes us endure loneliness so that when the need is met, we appreciate it more. I felt the need to get married at 20. The Lord made me wait until just before my 27th birthday. By then, after several failed romances, I really felt the need. But I also deeply appreciate Marla, because I remember how lonely I felt all those years. God prepares us to receive His gifts and then provides for our needs. You need to thank God for the mate He has given you and express your appreciation to your mate. God designed marriage, including your marriage. He joined you and your mate together (Matt. 19:6).

This account of the first marriage also plainly teaches that God designed marriage to include sex. Many Christians have unbiblical notions about sex. Some think that sex was the original sin. I read of one pastor and his wife who announced to their congregation that they would be adopting their first son. One dear old lady told the pastor, “That’s how every pastor and his wife should have children.” She thought that abstinence was more spiritual!

If you think carefully about how the text describes the creation of Eve, it might surprise you. In the first place, it says that God fashioned a woman from the man’s rib. “Fashioned” is literally, “built.” The verb pictures God as a sculptor, carefully and deliberately shaping the woman into a creature who would meet Adam’s need. Since she was built by God, you could safely say that she was well-built! Adam definitely liked what he saw! Verse 22 implies that Adam didn’t wake up and find Eve lying beside him. Rather, God brought her to him. Picture Adam waking up and wondering what the funny feeling in his side was. He’s counting his ribs when he hears God say, “Adam, you forgot to name one creature.” Adam looks up to see Eve, not in a wedding dress, but naked! Wow!

We know Eve was a knockout because of Adam’s response (Gen. 2:23). These are the first recorded words of the first man. They were not quite as tame as the various translations indicate. A more literal rendering of the original Hebrew is: “Yahoo!” “This is now,” is literally, “Here, now!” or “This one! At last!” Keil and Delitzsch, two 19th century German scholars, translate it, “This time!” and say that it is “expressive of joyous astonishment” (Commentary on the Old Testament [Eerdmans], 1:90). Jamieson, Fausset, Brown, another Victorian era commentary, say it is emphatic (A Commentary Critical, Experimental, and Practical [Eerdmans], 1:46): “Now at last!” Or, “This is the very thing that hits the mark; this reaches what was desired.” Remember, Adam had been looking through all the animals for one corresponding to him and had found nothing. When God brought Eve to him, he shouted, “Eureka! At last, this is the one!”

Next, Adam promptly finished his work of naming the creatures. He recognized that Eve was a part of him and named her accordingly (Gen. 2:23): “She shall be called Woman [Heb., Ishshah] because she was taken out of Man [Heb., Ish].” God brought Eve to Adam as His exquisitely crafted gift, perfect for Adam’s deepest need.

These verses teach us something important about God: He wants us to enjoy our marriages, including sex within marriage. He designed it and gave it to Adam and Eve. Satan tries to malign the goodness of God by making us think that God is trying to take our fun away by restricting sex to marriage. But God knows that it creates major problems when we violate His design for His gift. We need to regard marriage and sex in marriage as God’s good gift, designed for our pleasure, to meet our deepest needs for human companionship. In the context of marriage, we can thankfully enjoy what God has given.

B. God designed marriage to meet our need for companionship.

In verse 24 Moses is speaking, not Adam (who didn’t have a father and mother to leave): “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” This is Moses’ commentary on these events. “For this reason” means, “Because of the way God designed marriage from the start, because the woman is bone of man’s bone and flesh of his flesh, these things hold true.” He shows that to fulfill our need for companionship, marriage must be a primary, permanent, exclusive, and intimate relationship.

1) COMPANIONSHIP REQUIRES THAT MARRIAGE BE A PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP.

God did not create a father and mother for Adam, nor a child, nor another man, but a wife. A man must leave his father and mother in order to cleave to his wife to establish a one flesh relationship. This means that the marriage relationship is primary, not the parent-child relationship. The parent child relationship must be altered before the marriage relationship can be established. The cord must be cut. This doesn’t mean abandoning parents or cutting off contact with them. But it does mean that a person needs enough emotional maturity to break away from dependence upon his parents to enter marriage. And parents need to raise their children with the aim of releasing them.

It also means that if a couple builds their marriage around their children, or as more frequently happens, the husband builds his life around his job while the wife builds her life around the children, they are heading for big problems when it’s time for the nest to empty. It doesn’t help the children, either. The best way to be a good parent to your children is to be a good husband to their mother or a good wife to their father.

2) COMPANIONSHIP REQUIRES THAT MARRIAGE BE A PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP.

This follows from it being the primary relationship. Your children are in your home a few years; your partner is with you for life. “Be joined to” means to cling or hold to, as bone to skin. It means to be glued to something—so when you get married, you’re stuck! After Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24, He added (Matt. 19:6), “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

This means that the marriage relationship must be built primarily on covenant commitment, not on feelings of romantic love. Romantic love is important, but the foundation of marriage is a commitment of the will. Commitment is what holds a couple together through the difficulties that invariably come. A Christian couple should never use the threat of divorce as leverage in a conflict. Your wife is your companion by covenant (Mal. 2:14; Prov. 2:17). Divorce mars the picture of Christ’s eternal covenant love for His church.

3) COMPANIONSHIP REQUIRES THAT MARRIAGE BE AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

The text says, “To his wife,” not “wives.” Monogamy is God’s design: One man, one woman, for life. Although God tolerated polygamy in Old Testament times, it was not His original intention. Whenever you see polygamy in the Bible, you see problems. God easily could have created many wives for Adam, but He did not. One man and one woman for life is God’s design.

This means that when you get married, you give up close friendships with women other than your wife (or with men other than your husband). You give up your freedom to go out with the guys whenever you choose. You have a new relationship with your wife; she is now your first priority in terms of human relationships. If you can’t handle that, you aren’t mature enough for marriage.

4) COMPANIONSHIP REQUIRES THAT MARRIAGE BE AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.

Gen. 2:24: “And they shall become one flesh.” One flesh emphasizes the sexual union (1 Cor. 6:16). But the sexual union is always more than just physical. It is built on relational and emotional oneness. Most sexual problems in marriage stem from a failure of relational intimacy. Sexual harmony must be built on the foundation of a primary, permanent, exclusive relationship that is growing in trust, communication, and oneness. God made us that way.

If you remove sex from the context of the covenant companionship of marriage, you will experience a superficial sense of closeness. Paul says that even when a man has sex with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her (1 Cor. 6:16). But sex outside of the lifelong commitment of marriage will never bring the satisfaction God designed it to provide.

Sin always hinders intimacy in marriage. As soon as Adam and Eve sinned, they recognized their nakedness and began to hide themselves, not only from God, but also from one another. While as fallen sinners we can never experience what Adam and Eve knew with one another before the fall, to the extent that we deal with our sin before God and one another and grow in holiness, we will grow in personal intimacy. It takes constant work! Good marriages aren’t the result of luck in finding the right partner. They’re the result of couples who work daily at walking openly and humbly before God and with each other.

But God didn’t design marriage just so that we could be happy and have our needs met. He designed marriage to be a testimony for Him. Godly marriages bear witness of what it means to know God through Jesus Christ.

2. God designed marriage to provide a picture of our relationship with Him.

The Bible says that God created marriage for a purpose bigger than itself: Marriage is a picture of the believer’s relationship with God. After talking about marriage and quoting Genesis 2:24, Paul writes (Eph. 5:32), “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” Marriage is an earthly picture of the spiritual relationship that exists between Christ, the bridegroom, and the church, His bride. The consummation of a marriage is referred to in the Bible as a man knowing his wife; even so, we can know Christ our bridegroom (Phil. 3:8, 10). A husband and wife are one flesh; we are one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17). Just as the church is to be subject to Christ as the head, so the wife is to be subject to her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). Just as Christ loves the church, so a husband is to love his wife (Eph. 5:25). Just as the marital union results in children, so the union of Christ and His church is to result in many spiritual offspring, to God’s glory (Heb. 2:10, 13).

Someone has described marriage as God’s doing with one man and one woman that which He purposes to do within the world as a whole. That’s why it’s so important for you to work at developing a Christ-honoring relationship with your mate. You’re working on a portrait of Christ and the church, and the world is watching. God’s glory is at stake!

The essence of Christianity is not religious rituals or rules. It is a personal relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ. When Adam and Eve sinned, not only they, but also all their offspring (including us) were alienated from the holy God. They tried to cover their nakedness with fig leaves, but God made garments of animal skin for them (Gen. 3:21). That was a picture of Jesus, the Lamb of God, whose shed blood is necessary to cover our sins (John 1:29). To enter into a personal relationship with God, you must give up the “fig leaves” of your good works and put your trust in Jesus, God’s perfect sacrifice, who died in your place.

Conclusion

Regarding marriage, if you’re single, and content to remain single, then God’s word to you is: use your single state to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord and His work (1 Cor. 7:32-35). If you’re single, but desire to be married, God’s word to you is: grow in godliness and purity and pray for a mate who is committed to do the same (2 Cor. 6:14-7:1). Your lifelong marriage relationship must be centered on God, so that it will reflect to the world a picture of Christ and the church.

If you’re married, God’s Word to you is: grow deeper in godly covenant companionship with your mate (Prov. 2:17; Mal. 2:14). Grow in self-sacrificing love (Eph. 5:2, 25) so that your marriage reflects Christ and the church to this selfish, pleasure-seeking, lost world. It’s a lifelong process. But if this doesn’t describe the direction of your marriage, then a flashing warning light on your marital dashboard is telling you that something is seriously wrong: You’re not in line with God’s designed purpose for marriage. For His glory and for witness to this lost world, take immediate action to get it fixed!

Discussion Questions

1. Why is the concept of marriage as covenant companionship foundational? How can the church offer grace to those who have suffered divorce and yet hold a tight line against divorce?
2. Discuss: Is sexual sin more prevalent in our day than in past generations? How does it damage marriages?
3. What is the biggest hindrance to developing emotional intimacy in marriage? How can it be overcome?
4. Discuss: Is it possible for Christians married to one another to be irreconcilably incompatible? Cite biblical support.

Copyright 2017, Steven J. Cole, All Rights Reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture Quotations are from the New American Standard Bible, Updated Edition © The Lockman Foundation

Discover three purposes for God’s marriage that provide a framework for you to…

• Grow as a couple
• Understand each other
• Glorify God

 

God’s Purpose for Marriage

There are three “Cs” that reveal God’s purpose for marriage…

• Commission
• Crucifixion
• Covenant

 

God’s Intention for Marriage Is About Commission

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”—Genesis 2:18

The commission of Christian marriage is to reproduce after God’s image. 

Adam did not need someone to complete him. He was created in the likeness of God. “Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness…’”—Genesis 1:26

ikeness…’”—Genesis 1:26

When we look for someone to complete us, we eventually start to look at our spouses as someone who is in competition with us. Why? Because we unknowingly put false expectations on the other person that only God can fill. A tug-of-war of sorts starts to break out about who is right and who is wrong.

We can’t look to another to complete us because that is God’s role. So then, one of the purposes of a marriage must be to reproduce children of God. Adam and Eve weren’t to create life after their image but after God’s image.  

This reproduction doesn’t include just physical children. Perhaps you cannot have children, but you can spiritually reproduce. Are you spiritually sowing into others, showing them, and encouraging them to grow into the image of Christ?

• “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 Corinthians 3:18 (emphasis added)

Our marriages should leave a legacy that outlasts our lifetimes and point the next generation to the God of eternity to help them be transformed into the image of Jesus. 

Key principle: 

God’s intention for marriage is for the Savior’s glorification, not for self-gratification. Don’t allow secular values to seep into the sacred institution of marriage. Your marriage should paint a picture of spiritual truth that points to Jesus—this is your commissioning. If everything you do is for God’s glorification, you will have great gratification. 

 

God’s Intention for Marriage Is About Crucifixion

“Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.”—Genesis 2:19-20

Adam had dominion but no suitable partner. So what did God do?

• “And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.”—Genesis 2:21-22 (emphasis added)

 

The Hebrew word used here for “deep sleep” means a supernatural sleep. It is translated in other passages as death. Adam “died” a supernatural death to give life to his bride just like Jesus died to give life to His Bride, the Church.

God gave us marriage for our sanctification more than He did for our satisfaction. Sanctification means to be gradually conformed to the image of Christ. If we only love when our spouses are lovely, this does nothing for our sanctification. Therefore, let us love our spouses with long-suffering love.

First Corinthians 15:45 says, “And so it is written, ‘The first man Adam became a living being.’ The last Adam became a life-giving spirit.”

God could have brought Eve from anything. He could have spoken her into existence. But He didn’t. God caused Adam to go into a deep sleep, then took a rib from his side. This was a picture of Jesus at Calvary. This is what He did for us.  

The life that emerged from Adam’s side was a picture of the resurrection. John 19:34 says, “But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and immediately blood and water came out.” (emphasis added)

• Blood represents the natural life (Leviticus 17:14)
• Water represents spiritual life (Revelation 21:6)

God demonstrated His love while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). This is how we should love our spouses, as Christ loves the Church. 

• “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”—Ephesians 5:25-27

Key principle: 

In a marriage ceremony, the moment we say, “I do,” we also say, “I die.” In marriage, we are to die to self (put away the old self) to give life to another. If we choose to live selfishly, the marriage dies, but if we choose to live sacrificially, the marriage thrives.

God’s Intention for Marriage Is About Covenant 

Christian marriage is not a contract that can be broken but rather a covenant that is binding, unbreakable, and irrevocable. 

The words Adam spoke when he first saw his wife were, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Genesis 2:23).

Adam made a theological statement. Later, Jesus would elaborate on this in Matthew 19:4-6, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 

The husband is to be the head, the leader, just as Christ is the head. The woman, who is from man, is a picture of the Church, the bride, and the body. The two are to become one flesh. 

• “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”—Ephesians 5:22-24

God’s purpose for marriage is to be a picture of the covenant relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church. Jesus gave this vow to His Bride…

• “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”—Hebrews 13:5

Key principle:

God’s intention for marriage is not to be a contract that needs both parties to hold up their end of the deal—as 1 Corinthians 13:1 says, “…love keeps no records of right and wrongs.” God’s purpose for marriage is different from the world’s. It’s a covenant—binding and irrevocable because of His love. He’s already paid the price. Once you become married to Christ, a born-again child of God, your salvation does not hinge on what you do or don’t do. It hinges only on what Christ has done for you.

The Takeaway

God’s purpose for marriage is to be a picture of His love to a watching world. When Christians understand God’s view of marriage and His purpose, they have stronger marriages, stronger families, and stronger communities. They grow as a couple, understand each other, and glorify God.

God’s purpose for marriage is to be a light in the darkness. Couples are to reveal the love of God in a world that does not know Him so that they may come to know Him.

Are you ready to step into deeper love with your spouse so that, together, you can build a family that is built on the strong foundation of Christ? Check out our FREE resource, Castles: Building a Family That Lasts. 

God’s Purposes for Marriage

While in Southern California on a business trip, I stopped for a red light early one morning. Waiting at the intersection, I noticed a construction crew already busy renovating an old restaurant. Like ants, the carpenters and other workers were scrambling through the building, and almost every one of them possessed the same thing: blueprints. I saw blueprints carried under arms, rolled out on window ledges, and pointed at excitedly.

The light turned green and I sped away, but the scene lingered in my memory, reminding me of a simple truth: You don’t build or renovate a structure without blueprints. Or if you do, how will that building turn out?

Unfortunately, too many couples have not compared notes on their blueprints for marriage. Like those construction workers, every husband and every wife has a set of prints, but I’ve seen too many relationships where his and hers don’t match—their expectations and purposes differ. If you think this might be true in your marriage, how do you get on the same page in your relationship and build your “house” from identical plans?

The only answer I know is to put you in touch with the Architect, the original Designer, the One who has recorded His blueprints for marriage in Scripture. As you journey through marriage together, you want to grow in your love for each other, to experience life fully, and to be truly one. But what seemed so effortless as an engaged couple may now be an elusive dream. That’s why you need to understand God’s blueprints—His purposes for marriage.

These three purposes will give your marriage a sense of direction, internal stability, and the stamp of God’s design. They will lift your marriage above the everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship and place it on a high and lofty spiritual plane.

Purpose One: Mirror God’s image. After God created the earth and the animals, He said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” The account continues, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:26-27).

God’s first purpose for creating man and woman and joining them in marriage was to mirror His image on earth. Center your attention on those words, mirror His image. The Hebrew word for “mirror” means to reflect God, to magnify, exalt, and glorify Him. Your marriage should reflect God’s image to a world that desperately needs to see who He is. Because we’re created in the image of God, people who wouldn’t otherwise know what God is like should be able to look at us and get a glimpse.

Purpose Two: Complete each other and experience companionship. Scripture clearly outlines a second purpose for marriage: to mutually complete each other. That’s why God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).

Adam felt isolated in the garden, and so God created woman to eliminate his aloneness. Writing to the first-century church in Corinth, Paul echoed the teachings in Genesis 2 when he asserted, “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman” (1 Corinthians 11:11).

I was convinced that Barbara was “the one,” because I sensed that she could complete me as well as be a wonderful companion. Now, many years later, I really understand how much I need her. The two of us are like a computer and software. Standing alone, the computer and software are impressive, but combined as a team, they can accomplish so much more! And that’s exactly what God had in mind when He performed the first marriage with an original groom and bride named Adam and Eve.

You need each other. You recognize that now. But if you build your marriage according to God’s blueprints, as the years go by, you will really appreciate the genius of how God has custom-made your mate for you.

Purpose Three: Multiply a godly legacy. A line of godly descendants—your children—will carry a reflection of God’s character to the next generation. Your plans for children may still be in the future, but if He gives you a child, you will be in for an amazing adventure.

God’s original plan called for the home to be a sort of greenhouse—a nurturing place where children grow up to learn character, values, and integrity. Too many couples today seem to be raising their children without a sense of mission and direction. They aren’t imparting to them the importance of leaving a spiritual legacy of changed lives. They aren’t evaluating their lives in light of the Great Commission of Matthew 28:18-20, where Christ commands us to preach the gospel to all nations.

One of your assignments is to impart a sense of destiny, a spiritual mission, to your children. Your responsibility as a couple is to make your home a place where your children learn what it means to love and obey God. Your home should be a training center to equip your children to look at the needs of people and the world through the eyes of Jesus Christ. If children do not embrace this spiritual mission as they grow up, they may live their entire lives without experiencing the privilege of God using them in a significant way.

Your marriage is far more important than you may have ever imagined because it affects God’s reputation on this planet. That’s why it’s essential for you to set Jesus Christ apart as the Builder of your home.

Eve completed Adam in a special way. She was made to “fit for him.” (Genesis 2:20b), because God did not want Adam to be alone. She was also made to join Adam in having children, made differently from him, yet the same. As a triune God - a Trinity made of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit - God knew that being alone would not be good for Adam.

Just as each person in the Trinity serves a different role, Adam and Eve, man and woman, both were part of one unit, acting in different ways to accomplish the same goal. Before the Fall and the first sin, this purpose would have been the tending of the Garden. Marriage was ordained here, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

In the first chapter of Genesis, in the shorter account of man’s creation, God commanded them to be fruitful, and have children, making Eve an equal partner with Adam in creating the first family, his helper in raising children. Though the Garden of Eden is lost to history, husbands and wives still work together as two parts of a whole to create new families and serve a mutual purpose. 

Photo credit: flickr/faungg's-photos

Is Eve Subordinate to, or Less Than Adam?

The question of whether or not Eve’s status as a helpmate makes her subordinate to Adam is one that can be controversial. Looking at the timeline in Genesis, God created her as Adam’s helper before the Fall, with no implication that she was subject to him. As stated previously, the noun for helper used in Genesis would be used in other parts of the Bible to show how God helped those who called out to Him for assistance, implying that women’s help can be valuable and worthy.

She was also created in God’s image as much as Adam was, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). The Lord values men and women equally. Paul clarifies this truth with the statement, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). Though their roles and strengths may have been different, Adam and Eve were two equal halves of a whole.

Much changed in the world after the Fall of man. Eve fell for the temptations of the devil, of the desire to be like God, and Adam followed suit. Sin entered the world, beasts turned on one another, and mankind was separated from their previously intimate relationship with God. Where they could once walk side by side with Him, they now hid. The serpent, Adam, and Eve each faced ramifications from their choices, and “To the woman he said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you’” (Genesis 3:16).

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How Did the Fall Impact Marriages?

Childbirth became painful, and the dynamic between men and women changed. There is some debate, especially in the 20th and 21st centuries, about what it means that a woman’s desire will be contrary to her husband, but he will have rule over her. To understand this tension, it is important to note that Adam was held more responsible for listening to Eve, than she was for enticing Adam to eat of the fruit:

Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree, of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face, you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall   return (Genesis 3:17-19).

Combining this level of responsibility that God placed upon Adam, that he must eat by the sweat of his brow and return to dust because of his choice, with the New Testament descriptions of the role of the man, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25) shows that man’s headship in marriage was intended by God from the start. The implication that man shall rule over her probably does not mean that because of the Fall, the husband is the head of the marriage.

There are two common perceptions of what Genesis 3:16 means. Some see it that women would want to master and control their husbands, but cannot. Others argue that it means that women would desire their husbands, but that desire would be frustrated by his authority. There are other, similar interpretations. Whichever is correct, the more important takeaway is the nature of the marital relationship was permanently changed. Rather than being one of love, unity, where woman acts as man’s perfect helpmate, there would be tension and conflict to overcome.

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What Is a Wife's Role As a Helpmate Today?

Though the Fall added burdens and troubles to marriage, the Bible shows what wives can do to fill their role as helpmates. There are many verses available for study to learn more about the role of a wife.

Verses that address the role of women in marriage include:

Ephesians 5:22-24 - "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

This verse addresses the role of the wife submitting to her husband in respect, as the church submits to the leadership of Jesus Christ.

Titus 2:4-5 - "Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

Here, Paul encourages younger women to be faithful to their husbands, and hard-working, to build a happy life.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 - "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up."

This passage is often used at weddings. Marriage is compared to three chords, often seen as the man, the woman, and God. The woman is called to be an equal partner in a strong relationship.

Proverbs 31:10-31 In the book of Proverbs, wisdom is personified as a good wife. The good wife is a wise woman who is productive, a loving wife and mother, a planner, and many other wonderful traits. 

The second notable aspect of Biblical marriage we see in Genesis 2:23-25 is the intimacy of the “one-flesh” relationship God reserved for marriage. Even Jesus spoke to the importance of this principle:

MATTHEW 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
MATTHEW 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

In the unique way that God made woman out of man, the relationship is defined as being one body, inseparable, and as such lays the foundation that every marriage results in an equally inseparable union.

Based on Genesis 2:24, we learn that the marriage relationship is considered sacred in God’s view because of how the first marriage was ordained. With the reality that Adam and Eve were literally made from one flesh how could they ever consider themselves to be two distinct people again? No more than you could consider your own arm or leg to be foreign to the rest of your body. How could they ever separate?

Another question that stems from what we discussed earlier is what biblical marriage looks like, practically, today. Building on the framework of biblical marriage in Genesis, now we move to the New Testament authors as they explain further truths concerning marriage:

EPH. 5:22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
EPH. 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
EPH. 5:24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
EPH. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
EPH. 5:26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
EPH. 5:27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
EPH. 5:28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
EPH 5:29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
EPH 5:30 because we are parts of His body.
EPH. 5:31 for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
EPH. 5:32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
EPH. 5:33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

In Ephesians, Paul is in the midst of teaching the church about six relationships where submission is required. In Chapter 5, the focus is on marriage and how both husbands and wives, simultaneously, are called to submit to each other in different ways. It emphasizes the idea that marriage is meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church, and as such, the roles and responsibilities of both partners should be viewed through that lens.

To start, Paul instructs wives to be subject to their own husbands as to the Lord. Here, the Greek word for “subject” is a military term that implies voluntary subjection to a higher authority. Like a soldier enlisting in the military willingly subjects himself to the authority of his superiors, so also a wife willingly subjects herself to her husband. This does not mean that the husband has absolute power over the wife, but rather that the husband has been given a position of leadership in the marriage and the wife is called to respect and support that authority.

Similarly, husbands are called to love their wives in a self-sacrificial way, putting her needs above his own and striving to nurture and care for them. This requires a level of humility and submission on the part of the husband, as he recognizes the superior place of his wife's needs in the marriage and home. The standard for how this should look in practice is Christ's example with the Church, where His sacrificial love is evident in His willingness to lay down His life on the cross for His people. In verse 26, Paul speaks of Christ’s cleansing of the Church through the washing of His word. As we come to believe the testimony of the word of God declaring the Gospel, we are washed clean of our sins, being baptized by the Holy Spirit, Who comes to live in us at the moment of faith in Christ. Verse 27 goes on to say that Christ made His sacrifice so that He might present the Church to Himself in all her glory, without blemish or defect. In light of this truth husbands are to sacrifice themselves for the goal of glorifying their wives, and making them more holy, just as Christ did for us.

Additionally, a husband who sacrificially loves his wife gains spiritual benefits, as stated in 1 Peter 3:7:

1PET. 3:7  You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

When two believers enter into marriage, their eternal relationship as “fellow heirs” takes precedence over any earthly concerns. As they serve one another in love and respect, they not only strengthen their marriage relationship, but also have a unique opportunity to influence each other's spiritual growth and sanctification. Since both husband and wife are part of the body of Christ, their actions and attitudes in marriage can have a direct impact on the growth of the body of Christ as a whole. In this way, the marriage relationship becomes a vital component of a believer's journey towards spiritual maturity and becoming more like Christ. As husbands and wives submit to one another, they are transformed and refined by the power of the Holy Spirit, growing in faith and becoming more effective witnesses for Christ.

A healthy marriage involves a partnership where both husband and wife work together in making decisions and running the household, reflecting the harmony of a family operating in submission to authority under the Lord. However, differences of opinion between husbands and wives are inevitable. According to the word of God, the husband is the final authority in the home, and the wife must submit to his authority even when she disagrees. While this may seem reasonable in principle, it is put to the test each and every day. True biblical submission means obeying even when you don’t agree – a challenging call that is counter to what culture teaches today. In verse 22 Paul says that a wife’s willingness to respect her husband’s authority is comparable to her willingness to obey the Lord. A husband’s authority is not based on his daily performance, but on his identity as husband. In the same way we are to obey Christ as head of the Church, so wives should respect and obey their husbands as head of the household.

As we strive to understand the purpose of marriage, we must also remember that God's goal for us in this life – and therefore in marriage – isn't necessarily our happiness, but rather our holiness. Practically speaking, Christian couples who place Christ at the center of their marriage are constantly seeking His guidance, wisdom, and grace in order to better serve the Lord and each other. They pray and study the Bible together, and endeavor to live out the teachings of Christ in their marriage, including sacrificial love, forgiveness, and humility. Furthermore, they remain committed to resolving conflicts and growing in their relationship with each other and with God, both physically and spiritually.

When a husband and wife live according to scripture:

• it enables both parties to become perfect complements to one another, fulfilling their respective roles as designed and created by God.

• they have opportunities to positively influence the spiritual growth of their partner as a fellow heir of the grace of God, further benefitting the larger Church body.

• their godly marriage serves its missional purpose of reflecting the love and sacrifice of Christ to the world. Through their actions and words, a Christ-centered marriage becomes a beacon of hope and an inspiration to others, drawing them closer to God.

The truth of scripture affirms that both men and women are created in the image of God, and as such, they possess equal dignity, worth, and purpose. Marriage is a partnership where husband and wife are called to complement each other, working together as a team to use their unique strengths, gifts, and abilities for the glory of God. It is important to recognize that no marriage is without challenges, but seeking to live out biblical principles can provide a solid foundation for a healthy, God-honoring, and fulfilling relationship. Ultimately, a biblical marriage presents a divine opportunity to bear witness to the Savior who died to make us holy, shining His light for the world to see.

GENESIS

Genesis sets the scene for the whole bible. It starts with creation, and follows the stories of the patriarchs and their families. Scholars often compare the stories of Genesis to other tales from the Ancient Near East, to understand them in their historical and cultural contexts.

Genesis begins with two accounts of creation. It is the second account, found in Genesis 2:4:15-25, which has been consistently used in the marriage debate to show that the biblical definition of marriage is the union of a man and a woman. In this story, woman is formed from the rib of man while he is asleep. When he wakes, Adam names her and takes her as his own. The writer tells us that ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh’.

Note the writer does not say that they will be married, rather that they will ‘cleave’ to one another. By chapter 3 verse 6, Adam is referred to as Eve’s husband, and in verse 8 Eve is said to be Adam’s wife. Given that Adam and Eve are depicted as the only two people on earth, there would have been no celebrant, witnesses or legal contract, and no forsaking all others. Just Adam and Eve, and in time their children.

After many generations have passed, including Noah and his wife, Abraham and his wife (also his half-sister, or perhaps niece), we see the first story of an engagement of sorts in Genesis 24. Abraham’s servant is sent to procure a wife for his son, Isaac. Rebekah is chosen. She is given jewellery. Her family is propositioned, and given gifts. Rebekah is consulted on the match and chooses to go back to Abraham’s land. All this is predicated on the idea that the one chosen must be from Abraham’s lineage, and willing to go and reside with their family. We are not told about a wedding, or the terms of the engagement, or any other details. In fact, straight after this passage, we are told that Abraham has taken another wife besides Sarah, and that before his death he gives her and all his concubines gifts, and sends them away.

The next marriage story is about Jacob (Isaac and Rebekah’s son). He must work for Laban (Rebekah’s brother) for seven years to earn the hand of Leah (his cousin). He then works another seven years because Rachel (Leah’s sister) is the one he really wanted to marry. He has children with both Rachel and Leah, and with their maids Bilhah and Zilpah. There seems to be no objection in the text to his marrying his cousins, two sisters at the same time, or that he has children with at least four different women of the household.

Next, there is the story of Sechem, who takes Dinah’s virginity (Jacob’s only named daughter), and then wants to marry her. This story has been proposed as potentially consensual or, alternatively, rape, although the text is unclear because this is not the point of the story. Dinah’s brothers agree to the marriage on the condition that the whole of Sechem’s village is circumcised beforehand. While the men of the village are recuperating from the procedure, Dinah’s brothers murder them all and Dinah is taken back to the patriarchal home, never to be mentioned again.

The next story of marriage is Judah and Tamar. Tamar was married first to Er, who died, and then to Onan, who also died. Er and Onan are both sons of Judah. He has one more son, Shelah, who Tamar should be married to when he becomes old enough, according to the law of levirate marriage. Judah fears for the life of his youngest son, and so sends Tamar away. Judah did not fulfil his duty to look after Tamar, and so she dresses as a prostitute and waits for him on the road. Judah visits and impregnates her, unaware of her true identity. When all is revealed, the disgrace of Judah is revealed and Tamar takes her place in the lineage of Jesus. There is no condemnation recorded for Tamar’s actions, only for Judah because he has been a hypocrite and failed to do his duty. Tamar is one of only five women mentioned in the lineage of Jesus, recorded in Matthew’s gospel.

EXODUS

Exodus is the story of how the Israelites escaped slavery in Egypt, and wandered in the desert for forty years before reaching the Promised Land. There is just one law in Exodus about marriage. Chapter 22:16-17 says that ‘if a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him he must still pay the bride-price for virgins’. These verses explicitly note that a dowry, or bride-price, is a normal part of marriage negotiations. The groom pays the bride-price to acknowledge the husband’s indebtedness to his wife’s parents. In this passage, the payment of a bride-price for a woman who has been seduced (or raped) is the penalty that ensures some protection for women. For women in this time, a good marriage is the best protection against a life of poverty, but the loss of virginity before a marriage is finalised damages the woman’s chances of making a good match.  Therefore, this law discourages men from seducing a woman to force a marriage match.

LEVITICUS

Leviticus is often considered the law-book. However, the bulk of the laws in this book relate to cultic traditions, or the laws of the priests. The only reference to marriage in Leviticus is in Chapter 21:13 where it says that the priest must marry a virgin from his own people. He is not allowed to marry a widow or a prostitute, and he is not allowed to marry outside of his family line. This is to protect the purity of the priestly lineage. It should be noted that the priests were the ones writing this, so they have a invested interest in keeping power within the family.

Chapter 18 does contain a list of seventeen laws detailing people with whom you are not to have sexual relations, as well as the admonishment to not sacrifice children to Molech. Chapter 20 has a similar list of unclean sexual relations but none of these is placed directly within the context of marriage. These laws probably would be used to dictate who you can marry, and it is worth noting that the prohibitions in Chapter 20 are not balanced by relationship status. For example, there is a ban on sexual relations with a paternal aunt (father’s brother’s wife) but not a maternal aunt (mother’s brother’s wife). This is because the paternal relations belong to the patrilineal household, but the maternal one’s do not. This indicates that marriage, or at least sexual relations, within the household were banned. Further, the prohibition against marrying your brother’s wife in verse 16, is a direct contradiction of the Levirate laws attested in Genesis (and also in Ruth).

NUMBERS

The book of Numbers follows the Israelites as they wander through the desert under the leadership of Moses. It has numerous lists of the tribes of Israel and the way that they are to be ordered while travelling and in the camp. It has very little to say about marriage. There are three main passages in chapters 5, 31 and 36.

The first passage contains a test for unfaithful wives. The suspect wife is taken to the priest by her jealous husband who administers a poison. If the poison has no effect, she is innocent. If it causes pain, then this is the ‘consequences of her sin’. (Num 5:31) It is thought that this ‘test’ works a little like the morning-after pill, and ensures that any potential pregnancy will be aborted, so that any future offspring will legitimately belong to the husband. It should be noted that this passage places no guilt on the husband, whether he is proven right or not. The woman bears all the guilt, regardless of the outcome.

In Numbers 31, all the virgins of a conquered town may be kept as plunder, and taken in marriage. Virgins are presumably acceptable because this ensures again, that the offspring will legitimately belong to the Israelite husband. All other women, men and children are to be put to death.

Lastly, we are told of the daughters of Zelophehad, who petitioned the elders to be counted in the division of Israelite land. Their father had died and cannot take his share, so they ask for his share to be divided amongst them. The initial petition is found in chapter 27, and in chapter 36 we are told that this petition has been granted, on the condition that the daughters marry within the tribe so that the property is maintained within that family line. In this way, throughout the book of Numbers marriage is a process that ensures property rights stay within the male lineage of the family. Women are only important as bearers of legitimate male offspring.

DEUTERONOMY

Deuteronomy, literarily a second law, is thought to be written by a different author(s) to the proceeding four books. It is essentially a recap of the story so far, but when we look at marriage customs contained here, we start to see a number of new ideas.

In Deuteronomy, we see the emergence of the idea that people should not marry outside of the tribes of Israel. (Deut 7:3) This is in contrast to earlier traditions that require the stranger to be bought into the family, remembering that the Israelites themselves where once foreigners. (Ex 22:21, 23:9; Lev 19:34) This is evidence of two traditions – endogamy and exogamy – that run throughout the Old Testament.  Endogamy, is the requirement of finding a spouse within the tribes of Israel; exogamy is the acceptance of marrying foreigners and bringing them into the household, community and tribe. These varying laws point to multiple authorship and traditions within the Scriptures. The fact that the differing traditions have been recorded and therefore endorsed by the biblical tradition is very important in this debate. It shows us that we need to be very careful about insisting on one definition of marriage as traditional or biblical because there is clear evidence of multiple, and opposing traditions in the text.

This prohibition of exogamy in chapter seven is, however, lessened in chapter 21:10-14. Here, we are told that if you find an enemy woman who is a virgin and attractive, bring her home. Shave her head, trim her nails and take away her clothes. Give her a month to mourn her family, and then you can sleep with her and make her your wife. (Note that here there is no bride-price to be paid, and marriage is legitimised by sexual union). If at this time, you decide you do not like her, send her away – don’t sell her, or treat her like a slave, but you don’t have to put up with her anymore. Even though she probably cannot go home, or find another husband, or have any form of real protection.

In chapter 22:13-30, a man who decides he doesn’t like his wife after sleeping with her, and who has slandered and bad mouthed her, can be challenged by her parents. The stained wedding sheets show proof of her virginity before the marriage, which makes it legitimate. When the parents provide the evidence, the unhappy husband shall be fined and forced to continue to live with her. He is not allowed to divorce her. This prohibition against divorce is for the wife’s protection because her ability to gain a new husband after she has been given a bad name is virtually nil. If the parents fail to provide proof of her virginity, she can be stoned … because her husband doesn’t like her anymore.

Following this passage is the law that states that the man who seduces an engaged woman is to be stoned to death. If it happens in the city, both parties are killed, because she should have cried louder for help. If it happens in the country, only the man shall be killed. If a man rapes a girl who is not engaged, he must pay the bride-price and be wed, and again they are not allowed to divorce.

In chapter 24, a woman who is divorced by her first husband cannot marry him again if her second husband divorces her, or dies. Also, a recently married man must not be sent to war for a year, so that he may stay home and ‘bring happiness to the wife he has married’.

The levirate law, that a man may marry his brother’s widow is outlined in chapter 25. The explanation is that the purpose of this law is that the dead man’s property is maintained within the family line. This passage tells us that the man can decline to marry the widow, but first he will be talked to by the elders, and then she is allowed to spit at him in the town square so that everyone knows how he has disgraced the family line.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

These passages point to what a biblical marriage might look like. In the beginning, there was no law or legal construction of marriage. Rather, Adam and Eve cleave to each other and become one flesh. The word to cleave (dabaq) is the same one used in the story of Ruth and Naomi. It is also often used to talk of people cleaving or clinging to God and his commands. (Deut 10:20, Deut 30:20, Josh 22:5, 2 Kin 18:6, Ps 119:31). It is the same word that Sechem uses about Dinah, in the story in Genesis. This word is about people drawing as close as possible to another, or to God. It encourages us to think about loved ones coming together in a house-hold, or family-type relationship. Therefore, biblical marriage is about forming a family.

Marriage is also about sex. In Genesis, Adam and Eve become one flesh. They are united in a shared act that produces intimacy, and intimacy encourages us to look after each other. The list of prohibited sexual partners in Leviticus, with their repeated references to nakedness, suggests that this intimacy should be protected and valued. It also indicates that sexual attraction and activities were occurring outside of approved marriage relationships, and that this threatened the well-being of the whole household. This is true today as well. Infidelity undermines the trust and commitment between partners. It interferes with the stability of the connection, and therefore the family.

The laws related to virgins and inheritance suggests that marriage is about procreation, not for the sake of the children, but for the preservation of inheritance and property within the household, and tribe. The woman becomes the property of her husband at the time of the engagement, and any transgression towards her is against the value of his property. Similarly, the levirate laws, and the case of Zelophehad’s daughters, show us the importance of land being retained within the family, even if the patriarch dies without a male next of kin. Property is important because it allows the tribe to provide food for all its members. The Israelites of bible times were subsistence farmers, and everyone in the family contributed to the sowing, growing, reaping and preparation of food. There were different roles, but they were all interconnected. Therefore, marriage is about protecting the household’s food supply.

The latter books see the development of laws designed to protect women from being cast off by a dissatisfied husband. The inclusion of these laws shows us that some men were not looking after women with integrity. Israel was a patriarchal society, where the men held all the power and authority. Only men can issue a certificate of divorce, and only men were involved in the arrangement of a marriage. This left the women in a vulnerable position. The laws of Israel consistently insist on justice and mercy for the poor and oppressed. In this way, the laws against divorce (Deut 22-24) were designed to protect women from being cast off, because of ‘the hardness of men’s hearts’ (Matt 19:8). Exodus 21:10-11 gives us a clear indication of the biblical basis for marriage, ironically by providing the just reasons for a woman to seek a divorce. It says:

‘If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish the food, clothing or marital rights of the first wife. And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out without debt, without payment of money.’

The Israelites of the biblical time understood that marriage was about providing food, clothing and intimacy. This provision was true if you had one wife or twenty. The failure to provide these things broke the covenant or promise of marriage, and allowed the woman to seek to find shelter, safety and provision elsewhere. The bible does not insist on one man and one woman, it does not insist on the biological production of children, and it does not provide a template for what marriage should look like. Rather, it concentrates on prohibiting acts that leave individuals vulnerable and alone. Within this understanding, marriage can be promoted as holding to the biblical ideals of providing intimacy, protection and support for all members of the household, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Within the text we see changes to the marriage act – endogamy vs exogamy, no divorce for any reason to divorce under some conditions, inheritance for only men vs inheritance for some women.

There have been many other changes since the end of the writing of the scriptures. All of these laws were developed within a patriarchal society that gave men authority over women’s lives. That has changed. Women and men are now equal under the law, and our laws reflect this. In these stories, the man mostly chose his wife. That has changed. Now, women and men together have to consent to marriage. A number of these laws implicitly endorse polygamy. That has changed. We now only recognise the union of two people. In many of these marriages, the bride was a young girl. That has changed. We now insist that all parties to a marriage are legal adults. In these stories, it is the men who automatically inherit property and wealth. That has changed. Now men and women are equal in terms of inheritance laws. In all these stories, there is assumed heteronormativity. That has changed. Now, families are made up of all sorts of combinations of age, race, and gender. To insist on one ‘biblical’ definition is to be ignorant of what the Bible in fact describes.

Marriage has a long and ancient tradition, but we must not be blind to the historic ideas that underlay it. Marriage has always been contextual, and has changed to fit the circumstances of society. Therefore, in following this tradition, we should change the marriage laws to fit our society, and to include any two consenting adults, regardless of gender.

1. The Completion of the Great Commission is Certain

First, the completion [of the Great Commission] is certain. Our work as Christians in making disciples can never be in vain. Giving our money to support a missionary or buy Two-Ways-to-Live gospel tracts to hand out in White Settlement last week, or giving ourselves to following Jesus every day in our marriage and in our parenting and in our vocation and in our recreation—all that’s included in our own discipleship is never in vain, because the completion of the Great Commission is certain.

Jesus has all authority in heaven and on earth; and that means he has the supreme right and the infinite power to finish whatever he promises he’s going to do. In Matt 16:18, Jesus promises “I will build my church and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it.” He has the supreme right to talk like that and the infinite power to ensure the church’s growth and her victory over the grave. In Matt 24:14, Jesus promises, “this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.” The gospel might bring judgment to some and salvation to others, but the message of the King and his kingdom will reach the ends of the earth. All people groups will hear of King Jesus crucified for sinners and reigning in heaven coming from the lips of people like you; and that promise cannot fail! The nations hearing is as certain as the Christ returning. Or how about John 10:16, “I have other sheep that are not of this fold [Israel]. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice.” He must bring them; the Gentiles will listen to his voice.

Jesus’ words carry no less authority than Yahweh when he says, “I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose’” (Isa 46:9-10). Jesus’ counsel shall stand, and he will accomplish all his purposes. So, the Great Commission is not a “maybe it will happen.” It’s not a “we’ll see what they make of it.” It has the absolutely sovereign, unstoppable power of the Lord Jesus promising its completion.

JESUS DOESN'T LOSE WHEN WE SIT ON THE SIDELINES; WE DO

That means that if we choose to sit on the sidelines, ignoring Jesus’ command to make disciples, Jesus doesn’t lose, we lose, we miss out, we perish. “Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it” (Mark 8:35). If we ignore the authority of Jesus Christ, if we refuse to follow him with all our whole being, if we disengage from the mission he has called us to, if we just coast with the world while making Jesus nothing but a helpful little add-on to our life of vanity—then we will lose when Jesus comes to win. Jesus doesn’t need any of us to complete the Great Commission—he’s able to finish it without us. What should humble us is that, in his mercy, Jesus chooses to finish the Great Commission with us. Now, I know that not all of us are Christians in this room, but for those of us who are Jesus’ disciples, not a day should go by that you are not amazed at Jesus rescuing you from wasting your life on all things stupid and giving you a life full of all things certain.

O how many of our stories overlap with chasing after the fleeting pleasures of this world, all of them luring us straight to hell, before Christ saved us and brought us into his unshakable kingdom. Christ doesn’t need you to complete the Great Commission, but he has chosen you to complete the Great Commission and promised to be with you until the work is done. That’s one way this certainty applies: we give our lives to the privilege of making disciples, or we lose.

KEEPING OUR LOVE FROM GROWING COLD IN A HOSTILE WORLD

Another way it applies to the disciple of Jesus is that it keeps our love from growing cold in a world hostile to the gospel. Turn with me to Matt 24:6-14. This is Jesus explaining to his disciples what characterizes this present age that we live in: “And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are but the beginning of the birth pains. Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name’s sake. And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold.” That’s the danger. “But the one who endures to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”

Wars, rumors of wars, famines, earthquakes, tribulation, betrayal, apostasy, false teachers, persecution, lawlessness, and death—what keeps you going and preaching and serving in the face that kind of world? What keeps you among those who endure to the end? What keeps you going is a heart enthralled with the supremacy of Jesus Christ and the certainty of his promises. None of your sacrificial love, none of your evangelism efforts, none of your Christ-exalting efforts at work, none of your missions support is in vain, regardless of how the darkness taunts us. The completion of the Great Commission is certain; and Jesus will give us endurance to see that the gospel of the kingdom spreads to all nations.

2. The Completion of the Great Commission is Urgent

Second, the completion [of the Great Commission] is urgent. The reason I say that the completion is urgent is that one of the ways God has shown compassion to a rebellious world is by delaying his wrath, putting off his judgment for a time, giving people a window, an opportunity to escape God’s wrath by hearing the gospel and trusting in Jesus. If you’re not a Christian this morning, I’d invite you to consider something with us all for a minute.

THE WRATH OF GOD IS COMING

The Bible teaches that everybody knows God, but that we all reject God and are guilty for our rejection and worthy of condemnation—that means we deserve to suffer torment under God’s wrath for eternity. Regardless of what you may or may not think about God, the world the Bible reveals—the real world—is a world in which everybody, even an atheist, knows God, but they reject him and are guilty before God for it. Rom 1:19 teaches us that everybody knows God, because what can be known about God is very plain to us. As God’s creatures, we can look at the things that have been made—from a subatomic particle, to a human eye, to the farthest visible supernova—and we can perceive God’s eternal power and his divine nature simply by looking at them (1:20). That’s true of everybody. The problem is that even though we know God and are able to perceive his worth and his truthfulness and his glory as the Creator, we reject him. By nature we don’t say with heaven, “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things and by your will they existed and were created” (Rev 4:11). We suppress the truth about him. We refuse to worship him as God or give thanks to him (1:21). And the conclusion the Bible draws is that we are all guilty for this rejection, so guilty that we deserve nothing less than to suffer eternal torment in the presence of the wrath of the Almighty God, who has every right to condemn us for our rebellion.

That’s the way all of us are apart from God’s mercy. God had every right to judge us immediately, totally, and eternally; but he didn’t. The Bible also teaches us that even though God will not overlook our rebellion against him, he is a God who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He planned to delay his wrath on mankind. It’s still coming with Jesus’ return to earth. Isa 13:9-13 says, “The day of the Lord comes, cruel, with wrath and fierce anger, to make the [earth] a desolation and to destroy its sinners from it. For the stars of the heavens and their constellations will not give their light; the sun will be dark at its rising, and the moon will not shed its light. I will punish the world for its evil, and the wicked for their iniquity; I will put an end to the pomp of the arrogant, and lay low the pompous pride of the ruthless…I will make the heavens tremble, and the earth will be shaken out of its place, at the wrath of the Lord of hosts in the day of his fierce anger.” So that day is still coming, but God has mercifully delayed the day of his wrath that we might find escape from it by trusting in Jesus.

God sent Jesus into the world to die on a cross in a very unique way. He wasn’t just suffering the pain of the Roman whips; he was suffering in the place of countless rebels under the wrath of God, so that they would never have to. By dying in your place, he took away the eternal torment you deserved, he bought you the forgiveness of your sins, and he provided reconciliation to God, should you believe in him. Jesus is your way of escape from the coming wrath of God; and he is all yours if you forsake your sins and give the whole of your life over to his lordship—and there’s not a Christian in this room who wouldn’t want to talk to you about that this morning. If you want deliverance from the wrath of God to enjoy the glory of God as you were created to do, then confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, and you will be saved.

THE DAYS OF SINNERS ARE FLEETING

For those of us who are Christians, this is the way of escape that we’re to proclaim with great urgency to a lost world, not only because the day of God’s wrath is coming, but because the days of sinners are fleeting. And if they do not hear about Christ, they will suffer eternal torment under God’s wrath. “There is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all.” Nobody will be saved who does not hear and believe in the person of Jesus Christ as he is proclaimed in the gospel. Nobody’s innocent; everybody’s guilty; and people must hear about Christ in order to be saved. God didn’t delay his wrath so that we dilly-dally around with the mission he’s left us. He delayed his wrath to save us, so that we might proclaim Christ to others with all urgency and vigilance.

Jesus is very clear that a delay in his return should not be abused by the church, but be used by the church to rescue the perishing. Look at Matt 24:45-51: “Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom his master has set over his household, to give them their food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed,’ and begins to beat his fellow servants and eats and drinks with drunkards, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” What is evil? Wisdom is bound up with faithfulness to the master throughout the days he is away. Evil is using the master’s delay to do what you want instead of what he’s given you to do—in this case, making disciples of all nations.

GOD'S COMPASSION TOWARD A REBELLIOUS WORLD IS GREAT

The completion of the Great Commission is urgent because the compassion of God toward a rebellious world is great. He’s delayed his wrath and provided a way of escape for sinners through the Christ we’ve come to love and have now been commissioned to preach to the world. The compassion God has shown us in helping us to escape his wrath can only compel us to show the same compassion to the world by rescuing them from eternal fire and introducing them to the glories of Jesus Christ. Peter O’Brien puts it this way: “If we know the desperate plight of men and women under divine judgment—we ourselves had once been in that predicament—and that the gospel is the only hope for deliverance from the wrath to come, then we should be wholly involved in bringing it into the lives of others.” Brothers and sisters, Jesus didn’t die for just you, but for countless multitudes who will be represented before the throne of God on the last day, but who must also hear the gospel first in order to be reconciled to God before the last day. And we’ve been given the privilege of declaring the mercies of our God in Christ, that they might join us on the last day—and that leads me to our last truth about the completion of the Great Commission.

3. The Completion of the Great Commission is Glorious

Third, the completion is [certain, urgent, and] glorious. We might say that this last truth is even another reason why the completion would be so urgent: we really want to see the glory of Jesus Christ being prized among all peoples forever. We don’t pray “your kingdom come, your will be done” for nothing. We actually want to see the glory of Christ amidst all of his redeemed people. Consider this with me for a moment.

We are making disciples of all peoples because a countless host of redeemed from all peoples will be represented before the throne of God on the last day. We see them in Rev 5:9, “Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation.” We see them again in Rev 7:9-10: “Behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” And then finally, we see them again in the holy city, new Jerusalem, when a voice from the throne of God says, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people[s], and God himself will be with them as their God” (21:3).

ONE GLORIOUS CHOIR

The completion of the Great Commission is glorious because kingdom of God will not be characterized by racism or ethnic pride or economic division or social chaos or age preference or affinity favorites. There will be one choir of redeemed saints—as diverse as tribes, tongues, peoples, and languages can be with all their unique stories, but united through the blood of the Lamb as they tell each other of God’s glory and serve each other in God’s love. And, not only will this diverse choir of redeemed saints be united with God and one another, but there will never be any tension, or awkwardness, or fear, or envy, or strife, or anything that would cause their division, because no sinful impulses will be present in any of their hearts forever. Every day with each other will be love, kindness, peace, joy, gentleness, and celebration, because no sins in us will be hiding God’s glory or hindering the enjoyment of God’s glory as it’s reflected in his saints. Remember what we read earlier from Matt 13:43: “the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father.” You know, Jesus says in Matt 5:16 “to let our light so shine before men, that people see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” Nothing will be hindering that from happening perfectly forever. All of the works of this multitude of people will shine with the brightness of their Father’s glory with the Lamb who sits on the throne.

EVER-INCREASING ENJOYMENT OF GOD TOGETHER

And, if that’s not glorious enough, our enjoyment of God’s glory shining from his saints can only forever increase, because for God to be God is for him to never be fully comprehended by finite creatures. So all of our days together will only be filled with further thoughts about and new discoveries of and more affections for God’s glory in Christ without distractions from Satan or self. The completion of the Great Commission is glorious because the glory of Jesus Christ will be finally, and fully, and completely prized in his redeemed people.

Now, if that’s what the Great Commission is ultimately about—the glory of Jesus Christ being prized and treasured among a blood-bought, multi-ethnic, glory-reflecting community, then why would we pursue anything less than that now? It won’t ever characterize us perfectly in this age, but we should pursue it with all our might by making disciples of all nations. We should never let the current state of any human being hinder us from working to bring them the gospel—whether that’s geographical distance, a particular ethnicity, an uncomfortable culture, a language barrier, social status, economic situation, age, mental development, whatever. Our Lord designed his gospel to spread in all the inhabited earth without distinction; and what should motivate us to bring it to others is the vision of what God can and will make them to be should they embrace the gospel we take them. Does that make sense? What I’m saying is that the vision of what God can and will make people should motivate us to preach the gospel to all people.

Some of us struggle to believe that for each other, much less the nations. We cannot underestimate the power of the gospel to transform sinners. The good news of Jesus’ return is that in an instant, Christ has the power to make all his Redeemed people into what they should be for his own glory and our great joy. Therefore, let’s labor to preach it often to each other and to the world. Moreover, let’s have the vision of the kingdom even shape our regular worship gatherings, so that Christ in all his glory unites us and not any one worship style, or cultural preferences, or age group, or social class, or ethnic preferences. Our gatherings should make the world scratch their heads, because what unites us here is what will ultimately unite us for eternity, namely, the glory of Christ. So let’s keep our eyes fixed on him; let’s help each others’ affections for him grow; let’s preach him to each other and to the world; let’s make disciples for Christ among all nations, for the completion is certain, it is urgent, and it is ultimately glorious.

Wife as Helper

The first role of any wife is to be her husband’s helper.  This dignified and God-reflecting role predates the creation of the woman and is explicitly stated by God as the reason she was created (Genesis 2:18).[1]  Therefore, this role must be universal but varies in application.  As discussed previously, God has called each man to fulfill the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission in different ways, so the husband invites his wife to help him fulfill that calling.[2]  The help he needs will depend on the calling and context, but regardless of its form it will help him to focus on that calling and enhance his efforts in it.  This means that a wife is her husband’s helper when she uses her unique skills to complement his in order to advance the calling that he has invited her to join him in pursuing.  By agreeing to join him in this, she shares his vision and then aligns her work to help him best advance that vision. 

This implies that she agrees with that vision and that by choosing to submit to this man, she has chosen to support his mission after discerning how her skills can complement his to advance it.[3]  As I mentioned previously, in my leadership paper, I define submission (based on Philippians 2:3-4) as “choosing to live sacrificially by putting the needs of others and their ultimate good ahead of ourselves motivated by a healthy fear of God and following the example of Christ” and noted that it is both voluntary and selective.  So this is the essence of the wife’s submission in Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18.  In their shared mission, the husband becomes the Chief Vision Officer—the term Simon Sinek argues should replace Chief Executive Officer—focusing outside the home, and the wife becomes the Chief Operations Officer focusing inside the home.[4] All of this is to say that the wife’s help comes in the context of the husband’s headship in pursuing the mission that God has called him to.  If a husband is faithfully fulfilling his roles, he will recognize what a wonderful blessing his wife’s help is and constantly express his gratitude.  Her help should then include reciprocating by expressing gratitude for the way he fulfills his roles.  The burden of his responsibility is immense, and his roles can be arduous, seemingly-fruitless, and undervalued, so a wife provides immense help by regularly encouraging her husband.

Since the wife’s submission is to reflect the way the church submits to Christ (Ephesians 5:22), the way the wife fulfills the role of helper should reflect the way the Church has joined Christ in His mission.  Jesus called us to join His mission to make disciples of all nations and promised to enable us to obey Him in pursuing that mission (Matthew 28:19-20).  He guides us through His Word and by sending us His Holy Spirit, so that the ministry of the Church throughout the world is greater than the limited earthly ministry of Jesus (John 14:12).  He makes the advancement of the Gospel and His Kingdom our passion such that we do whatever we must do to support that mission (1 Corinthians 9:19-27) so that all of life is about Christ (Philippians 1:21).  This is what it looks like for the Church to submit to Christ in everything.  Of course, no matter how much the husband imitates Christ, he is not actually Christ, so when Paul tells wives to reflect the Church by submitting to their husbands in everything, that comes with major qualifications.[5]  Wives and husbands both must submit to Christ in everything.  Since no one has the authority to sin, wives cannot submit to their husbands in ways that would cause them to sin or facilitate sin.  Husband and wife are Christ followers first and foremost, so a wife should help her husband in every way that also glorifies Christ (Colossians 3:17). 

Wife as Crown of Her Husband

The wife is also her husband’s crown and glory.  Proverbs describes the Excellent Wife as the crown of her husband (Proverbs 12:4) that is far more precious than jewels (Proverbs 31:10).  The New Testament echoes this by calling her his glory just as man is the image and glory of God (1 Corinthians 11:7).[6]  We are all called to glorify Christ: to present Him as glorious through everything we do and say.  This means that a wife is her husband’s glory when she enhances his image through her speech and conduct.  The husband in Proverbs 31 enjoys a stellar reputation in part because of the stellar reputation of his wife (Proverbs 31:23).  “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12) in contrast to the adulteress who harms men in her quest for self-gratification (Proverbs 5-7).  The former crowns her husband, enhancing his reputation and thereby enhancing his ability to fulfill his calling, but the latter brings shame upon him and destroys him like cancer (Proverbs 12:4).  A wife crowns her husband with a gentle and quiet spirit that manifests in respectful and pure conduct, virtue, and good works that display godliness (1 Timothy 2:9-10, 1 Peter 3:1-4).  Peter says that the wife crowns her husband through her submission, holding up the example of Sarah calling Abraham “lord” (1 Peter 3:5-6 ref Genesis 18:12).  The term Sarah uses is often found in the Old Testament as a sign of respect for prominent men.  This means that wives follow Sarah’s example when they treat their husbands with the respect of prominent men as Sarah did, not by using the specific title Sarah used.[7]  Similarly, the term for “husband” used in Proverbs 31 (and Proverbs 12:4) also refers to prominent men, often denoting liability in the context of a covenant.  As we discussed last time, God holds the husband accountable for his family, so when the wife speaks or acts in a dishonorable way, her husband’s reputation pays the price. 

Conversely, just as part of the husband’s role is to provide praise to his wife, part of the wife’s role is to crown her husband with praise, in front of the children and others.  Scripture is clear about how we must speak about each other: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29.  Wives (and husbands too) must resist the temptation to speak about others (especially their spouses) in a disparaging way.  Therefore, gossip and slander in any form are contrary to the roles of both husband and wife.  Instead, the godly wife crowns her husband just as the Church glorifies God: “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16).  Therefore, the role of crown is universal, though the precise shape and jewels of that crown will differ.

Wife as Disciple of Her Husband

Long before being known as the Church or Christians, the followers of Christ were known as His disciples.  They answered His call to follow Him, learning from Him well enough to teach others.  Therefore, wives reflect the Church by being their husbands’ disciples.[8]  Of course, we are all to be disciples of Christ, so this role is predicated on the husband being a disciple of Christ such that in following and learning from her husband, the wife is following and learning from Christ.  This should not be seen as discouraging women from learning theology in any way, as Scripture makes clear: “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness” (1 Timothy 2:11).  We often get hung up about the “quiet submissiveness” portion of this verse, but it is important to note that the expectation was that women needed to learn the Scriptures and doctrines of the faith just as much as men—and it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure his wife does.[9]  Last time, I discussed how the role of the husband as pastor means that he needs to learn the Scriptures and doctrines of the faith well enough to teach his family.  Paul states that if a wife wants to learn anything about Scripture or doctrine, she should ask her husband at home (1 Corinthians 14:35).  This does not mean that she cannot ask her pastor or study on her own, but it does mean that she should ask her husband first.  Even if he consistently can’t answer, she should ask anyway as a way to encourage him to study so that he can.   This is part of how she helps him, encouraging his growth in both spiritual knowledge and leadership.  So a wife should be her husband’s disciple if he is a believer.  If he isn’t a believer or does not obey Scripture in this way, she should seek to win him through preaching the Gospel and her righteous conduct (1 Peter 3:1).[10]  All of this means that the wife’s role as her husband’s disciple is not universal, but is still the expectation when both husband and wife are believers.

Wife as Builder of Her Home

Scripture refers to Christians as both God’s workers and God’s building (1 Corinthians 3:9), specifically God’s house (Ephesians 2:19-22).  Therefore, the wife is also the builder of her house: “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down” (Proverbs 14:1).  Notice that the wife can either wisely build her house or foolishly tear it down.  There is no neutral option.  Any dilapidated house proves that dereliction destroys just effectively as demolition—albeit more slowly.  Therefore, if a wife is not actively building her house, she is tearing it down, so her role as builder implies that her primary focus is on the home.[11]  This does not exclude work outside the home, but does mean that the wife’s focus is on the home such that any work outside the home does not detract from that focus.[12] 

This is especially controversial in our society, so it requires some explanation before delving into the details.  First, recall that like any other team, husband and wife are effective because of their complementary skillsets and different focus.  If the husband’s focus is outside the home, it naturally follows that the couple will be most effective when the wife’s focus is inside the home.  This reflects Christ and the Church: Jesus ascended into heaven and rules the universe from there (Hebrews 1:2), so husbands reflect Him by focusing outside the home in their labors.  On the other hand, the Church—empowered by the Holy Spirit—focuses on establishing His Kingdom on earth (John 16:7-15).  If this is the way God has ordained that the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission are advanced on the macro level, Christian couples should follow that model to advance them on the micro level. 

Therefore, Paul commands older women to “teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (Titus 2:3b-5).  Notice how “working at home” is included among universal virtues and how dereliction in any of these causes the Word of God to be reviled (literally “blasphemed”).  Kendall Lankford explains this here and here, but for now it will suffice to say that God takes the wife’s role as home-builder much more seriously than many American churches.  And while this role is not universal, it is the general rule.  After listing strict qualifications for the few widows who were to be employed by the church in a specific ministry, Paul says: “So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander” (1 Timothy 5:14 vs. Proverbs 7:11).  Therefore, we can safely say from Scripture that the wife’s role of building her house is nearly universal as opposed to our culture which sees this role as unnecessary.

But what does this entail?  Here, we must be very careful to differentiate between what Scripture clearly teaches and what is simply traditional, so let’s look to the Holy Spirit-inspired description of the Excellent Wife in Proverbs 31:10-31.  The first thing we notice about is that she works skillfully and diligently to care for her family, providing clothes (verses 13, 19, 21-22, and 24), food (verses 14-16), and wise teaching (verse 26).  Since the “portions” she provides (verse 15) can also be translated as “tasks”, it is clear that she is a leader.  As I noted in my leadership paper, she is able to do all of these things in large part because she is not doing them alone but leading a team.  She is also enterprising, working with the provisions from her husband to run profitable businesses (verses 18 and 24) that fuel her generosity (verse 20).  However, her profitable business and generosity are out of the excess of her work to care for her household, not at their expense.  She is no docile or dainty creature either, but incredibly strong and fearless (verses 17, 21, and 25 cf. 1 Peter 3:6), enough to intimidate weak men and threaten the fragile egos of tough men. Scott Hubbard notes here how she is described using warrior language, emphasizing her strength and confidence in God, which is a huge asset to her biblically strong husband.  In essence, “She looks well to the ways of her household” (Proverbs 31:27a).  Following this example, the godly wife focuses her labor on her home such that her husband and children are the primary beneficiaries of her labor. 

This is certainly daunting, so it is important to note that the woman in Proverbs 31 is an example and not a standard.  John Piper noted here that she is healthy and in her prime.  She has multiple children who are old enough to praise her (verse 28) and her husband is established enough in his career to be counted among the local elders (verse 23), suggesting that they have been married for quite some time.  They are now experts at the marriage dance but doubtless tripped over each other many times as they learned it.  Her husband is also able to supply her with ample resources and a paid staff to help her accomplish all of her work, which most wives do not have.  Additionally, disease, injury, disability, or other such circumstances may prevent or severely limit a wife’s ability to labor in building her home.  And there may be seasons in which it is appropriate for the wife to be the primary breadwinner in order to further the couple’s mission by allowing the husband to focus on career preparation, or when the children are grown and the home takes less care.  But this should be the exception not the rule and should only be undertaken after much prayer and wise counsel.[13] 

Some may also argue that it is impossible in the current economy to support a family on a single income.  This may be true in some cases, but as I stated when discussing tithing, through diligent finance management, a couple may find unexpected opportunities—in this case opportunities for the wife to at least scale back her work outside of the home in order to focus more on the home.  Regardless, these opportunities will probably require the husband to work harder in his role as provider, but there is nothing wrong with this unless he becomes a workaholic and neglects his other roles.  We need to put the weight of responsibility where God has always put it: on the husband.  Instead, the dual income model puts the burden of both career and home on the wife.[14]  The expectation of Scripture is that the wife fulfills her roles within the context of the husband fulfilling his. 

Conclusion: Embrace Your Roles

We see that Scripture clearly teaches that God has given the wife the roles of helper, crown, disciple, and home builder.  While our culture devalues these roles, Scripture values them highly—so we should too.  The wife like the husband has a high and noble calling that is similarly difficult.  Just as the husband will often fail in fulfilling his roles the wife will often fail in fulfilling hers.  There is ample grace and forgiveness from God in Jesus Christ to cover any such failure.  The wife like the husband must rely on the strength that God provides in order obey what God commands, because if He isn’t building their house, they labor in vain (Psalm 127:1).

As I observed before, the biggest impact most Christians will have on the Kingdom of God is through their families, so fulfilling these roles is likely the most important thing a wife can do.  It also means that fulfilling the roles of head, provider, protector, and pastor to his family is the most important thing a husband can do.  As a result, these roles should not be a drudgery but a joy.  Scripture says there is nothing better for a man than to take pleasure in his work (Ecclesiastes 2:24, 3:22, 5:18), and that the Excellent Wife takes pleasure in her work (Proverbs 31:13).  Our culture has erroneously maligned these roles and everyone who embraces them, resulting in generations of men and women who are lost—lacking direction and greater purpose—and therefore clearly unhappy.  Instead, as with everything in life, true joy comes with obeying God and fulfilling His purpose for us.

God has given all Christians the purpose of advancing the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission in the ways He has called us in our particular context.  It is in Him that we find our purpose, so in fulfilling our unique roles He give us fulfillment.  In the beginning of Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye doesn’t know the origin of a tradition, but near the end he finds meaning when he learns its reason.  In these posts, we have found both the origin and greater purpose of the distinct roles within marriage.  Many traditions have developed around these roles, so it is vital to differentiate between the roles given by God in Scripture and the traditions that apply them to specific contexts.[15]  This is what I have endeavored to do.  Nevertheless, we must remember that these roles are rooted in Creation and reflect Christ and the Church, so they are either universal or nearly universal, meaning we cannot ignore them under the “cultural cop-out”.  By fulfilling these roles we are not perpetuating an oppressive patriarchy but replacing it with God’s design for marriage that is both very good and beautiful.  Embracing this Christ-centered vision of marriage and its associated roles is therefore not restrictive as feminists claim but is actually liberating.  Even a woman who was so progressive for her time that she has been called a proto-feminist understood this: Puritan poet Anne Bradstreet.[16].  Garry Williams explains the reason:

There was for the Puritan woman no sense of being lost, no sense of not knowing who she was or what she was meant to be doing.  To modern feminist eyes this might look like some kind of stifling constraint, but embracing the biblical definition of roles was actually liberating.  It is ignorance of who we are or denial of it that brings frustration; a clearly defined role based on the created order brings security and purpose.  It is no constraint to live as we were made to live….They knew who they were and what their roles were, because they shaped their lives and their communities from Scripture.  Fundamentally, they knew who they were in Christ….It is in surrender to Christ, in union with him, that we find ourselves.  In him the fundamental questions of our existence are answered and we know who we are.  More specifically, it is in Christ that we find the definition not just of our shared humanity, but of our differentiated roles as men, women, and children.

-Garry Williams, Silent Witnesses: Lessons on Theology, Life, and the Church from Christians of the Past, Edinburgh, UK: Banner of Truth Trust: 2013: 180-184

My hope and prayer is that Christians will not only obey God in the roles He has assigned us but embrace and celebrate them, not only in marriage but in every aspect of life.  Our sovereign and omniscient God always knows what’s best for us and always does what’s best for us, even if we don’t understand the reason.  So now I must end by asking all Christians and churches: will we trust and obey Him?

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.

-1 Corinthians 7:17,

Think about what the love of God in Christ looks like:

• It is a forgiving love (Ephesians 1:7). God’s love doesn’t hold our sins against us but frees us from the guilt that we bear.
• It is a sacrificial love (Hebrews 9:26). God’s love came at the cost of Christ’s death in our place. 
• It is a “despite you” love (Matthew 5:44-45). God’s love is perfect because he doesn’t need there to be anything good in us to love us. He loves us even though we have made ourselves his enemies. He loves us when we are unlovely.
• It is a glorious love (II Corinthians 4:4). The gospel displays God’s glory. God saves his people to demonstrate the riches of his glory to the world (Romans 9:23).

Think about what it would mean for our hypothetical couple if they understood that this kind of love should stand at the center of their relationship. It would cause them to raise their eyes from their own feelings and preferences. It would motivate them to love their spouse even if that person doesn’t change their behavior. And most importantly, it would allow them to glorify God by responding to his sacrificial, forgiving love by showing that same love to their spouse. If both parties in a marriage were committed to displaying the love between Christ and his church, then most of the practical problems in marriage could be negotiated and managed successfully.

What does this mean for pastors? Let me suggest two things:

• First, married pastors should strive to show this kind of love to their wives. Our churches need to see models of Biblical marital love, so pastors need to be careful not to hurt the church by loving it more than he loves his wife. Our congregations need to see their pastors sacrificing for his wife and loving her as Christ loved the church. 
• Second, we need to keep the gospel love of Christ at the heart of all our preaching, teaching, and counseling about marriage. We are not primarily dispensers of tips and advice on marriage – but we point our people to Christ and his love for his people. 

• NTRO: Our engagement, obedience first love secondary.

  Eph 5:22-33  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  (23)  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  (24)  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.  (25)  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,  (26)  that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  (27)  so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  (28)  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  (29)  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,  (30)  because we are members of his body.  (31)  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  (32)  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  (33)  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

  Biblical marriage does not look like the world.

  Modern takes on marriage, though good in their books, methods an procedures, often muddy the water. Marriage is not about us. It is about the glory of God.

  Is summary, this passage in Ephesians carries the meaning that God created marriage to demonstrate His glory. In all of creation, marriage was to exalt Him.

  OUR TEXT

  Eph 5:22-33  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  (23)  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  (24)  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

  • Abuse note about misinterpreting this scripture/What to do.
  • Wives are not inferior, but God has created each person for the duty of glorifying God. The role of the wife as such is that she is the nurturer of the home. She literally sets the tone of the upbringing of the children. She is an example to family and those around her of what it is like for a person to be reconciled with God.
  • God simply teaches us that He has a purposeful order.

  (25)  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,  (26)  that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  (27)  so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 

  • Husbands have a directive to lead their wives in sanctification. This is the continual refinement of Holiness. It cannot be done by any other method than by love, a sacrificial love.
  • Both husband and wife are called to sacrifice in ways that clearly benefit the other They also play to one another’s strengths.

  (28)  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  (29)  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,  (30)  because we are members of his body.

  • Love, over and again is the command of God to the husband.

   (31)  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  (32)  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  (33)  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

  • Thus, the marriage is a picture of our relationship to Christ and the work of love for holiness. Marriages in Christianity are to be a teaching tool and an example that gives God the glory in a confused and bewildered world.

  Nor does it take its clues from the world. Worldly marriage is often self-centered driven. “What’s in it for me?”

  A secular marriage can be fantastic, it can be long lasting and filled with love. Ut as Christians, our calling is to have a marriage that honors God that is quite evident to the church, our children, and the lost.

  WHAT DOES BIBLICAL MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

  Biblical marriage is a lot like a tandem bicycle. 1 drives the other supports.

  Without the encouragement of support =drudgery

  Without a clear leader= ambling without purpose

  Biblical marriage is quite different from the Greco-Roman or even Jewish marriages that existed at the time that these Scriptures were written. Because of the culture, both Jewish and Gecko-Roman, the idea of submission was involved.

  The only time submitting is a problem is when you do not want to submit.

  This is so because of 1, your heart position 2 poor leadership that you cannot respect.

  To lead in biblical marriage is to be a leader who leads with love and not threats or conditions.

  Biblical marriage is a heart issue that seeks to glorify God together.

  Christian Gospel Centered marriage therefore demonstrates how God makes a difference.

  • In trials, growth, and submitting to Jesus
  • In honesty and forgiveness
  • In Fidelity
  • In Worship
  • In cleaving together
  • In raising Children
  • Endurance and perseverance
  • In aging and the chapters of life
  • The list goes on.

  As Christ loves the church, so should the husband love the wife. This is imperative, non-negotiable.

  GOD’S PLAN

  Gen 2:24  Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

  It is a joy despite circumstances. As a matter of fact, the cleaving of a marriage often occurs as the couple seek God together through the hard trials of life, rather than placing blame or working in selfishness.

  The union between man and wife is to grow and return to a condition of being unashamed

  Gen 2:25  R1And the manH120 and his wifeH802 were bothH8147 nakedH6174 and were not ashamedH954.

  bôš: A verb meaning to be ashamed, to act shamefully, or to put to shame. It is both an external and a subjective experience, ranging from disgrace (Hos_10:6) to guilt (Ezr_9:6). In Gen_2:25, shame is related to the sexual nature of humans. Moreover, to act shamefully is equivalent to acting unwisely (Pro_10:5; Pro_14:35). To be ashamed is to experience distress, as farmers with no harvest (Jer_14:4; Joe_1:11), but the blessing of God means that one will never be put to shame (Psa_25:20; Joe_2:26-27).

  Gen 2:23  Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

  It finds joy in pleasing the other as a means of honoring God.

  The motive of biblical marriage is to honor God.

  • The Husband loves His wife
  • How the wife submits and respects her husband.

  Purposes of a Biblical Marriage

  • To complete each other
  • To raise godly children
  • To honor and glorify God

  CONCLUSION

  God calls us to be holy and no other relationship (except with Jesus) will be used more for our sanctification.

  To neglect your marriage is to shun Christ’s work, His best for you.

  Marriage like salvation and church membership is a covenant.

  Your committal to God is greater than to your spouse, but God works through your spouse.

  Marriage is a witness to the world of

  • Love
  • Forgiveness
  • Mercy and grace
  • Submission and sacrifice

  Marriage is a gospel witness.