Biblically, self-control, or lack thereof, goes to the deepest part of us: the heart. It begins with control of our emotions, and then includes our minds as well. Self-control is often paired with “sober-mindedness” (1 Timothy 3:2; Titus 1:8; Titus 2:2; 1 Peter 4:7), and in several places the language of “self-control” applies especially to the mind. Mark 5:15 and Luke 8:35 characterize the healed demoniac as “clothed and in his right mind.” Paul uses similar language to speak of being in his right mind (2 Corinthians 5:13), as well as not being out of his mind (Acts 26:25). And Romans 12:3 exhorts every Christian “not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think,” but to exercise a form of self-control: thinking “with sober judgment.”
Self-control is bodily and external as well. The apostle disciplines his body to “keep it under control” (1 Corinthians 9:25–27). It can mean not being “slaves to much wine” (Titus 2:3–5). And in particular, the language of self-control often has sexual overtones. Paul instructs Christians to “abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust” (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5). In a charge to women in 1 Timothy 2:9, self-control relates to modesty. And 1 Corinthians 7 presumes some lack of self-control in married adults that might give Satan some foothold were they to unnecessarily deprive their spouse sexually for an extended time (1 Corinthians 7:5). God has given some the calling of singleness and with it, “having his desire under control” (1 Corinthians 7:37); others “burn with passion” and find it better to marry (1 Corinthians 7:9).
The question for the Christian, then, is this: If self-control is so significant — and if indeed it can be taught — then how do I go about pursuing it as a Christian?
Find Your Source Outside Your Self
Professor Mischel preaches a gospel of distraction and distancing:
The children who succeed turn their backs on the cookie, push it away, pretend it’s something nonedible like a piece of wood, or invent a song. Instead of staring down the cookie, they transform it into something with less of a throbbing pull on them. . . . If you change how you think about it, its impact on what you feel and do changes.
This may be a good place to start, but the Bible has more to teach than raw renunciation. Turn your eyes and attention, yes, but not to a mere diversion, but to the source of true change and real power that is outside yourself, where you can lawfully indulge. The key to self-control is not inward, but upward.
Gift and Duty
True self-control is a gift from above, produced in and through us by the Holy Spirit. Until we own that it is received from outside ourselves, rather than whipped up from within, the effort we give to control our own selves will redound to our praise, rather than God’s.
“We are promised the gift of self-control, yet we also must take it by force.”
But we also need to note that self-control is not a gift we receive passively, but actively. We are not the source, but we are intimately involved. We open the gift and live it. Receiving the grace of self-control means taking it all the way in and then out into the actual exercise of the grace. “As the Hebrews were promised the land, but had to take it by force, one town at a time,” says Ed Welch, “so we are promised the gift of self-control, yet we also must take it by force” (“Self-Control: The Battle Against ‘One More’”).
You may be able to trick yourself into some semblance of true self-control. You may be able to drum up the willpower to just say no. But you alone get the glory for that — which will not prove satisfying enough for the Christian.
We want Jesus to get glory. We want to control ourselves in the power he supplies. We learn to say no, but we don’t just say no. We admit the inadequacy, and emptiness, of doing it on our own. We pray for Jesus’s help, secure accountability, and craft specific strategies (“Develop a clear, publicized plan,” counsels Welch). We trust God’s promises to supply the power for every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8; Philippians 4:19) and then act in faith that he will do it in and through us (Philippians 2:12–13). And then we thank him for every Spirit-supplied strain and success and step forward in self-control.
Christ-Control
Ultimately, our controlling ourselves is about being controlled by Christ. When “the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14), when we embrace the truth that he is our sovereign, and God has “left nothing outside his control” (Hebrews 2:8), we can bask in the freedom that we need not muster our own strength to exercise self-control, but we can find strength in the strength of another. In the person of Jesus, “the grace of God has appeared . . . training us” — not just “to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions,” but “to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:11–12). Christian self-control is not finally about bringing our bodily passions under our own control, but under the control of Christ by the power of his Spirit.
Because self-control is a gift, produced in and through us by God’s Spirit, Christians can and should be the people on the planet most hopeful about growing in self-control. We are, after all, brothers of the most self-controlled man in the history of the world.
“Christians can be the people on the planet most hopeful about growing in self-control.”
All his life he was “without sin” (Hebrews 4:15). “He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth” (1 Peter 2:22). He stayed the course even when sweat came like drops of blood (Luke 22:44). He could have called twelve legions of angels (Matthew 26:53), but he had the wherewithal to not rebut the false charges (Matthew 27:14) or defend himself (Luke 23:9). When reviled, he did not revile in return (1 Peter 2:23). They spit in his face and struck him; some slapped him (Matthew 26:67). They scourged him (Matthew 27:26). In every trial and temptation, “he learned obedience through what he suffered” (Hebrews 5:8), and at the pinnacle of his self-control he was “obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:8). And he is the one who strengthens us (1 Timothy 1:12; Philippians 4:13).
In Jesus, we have a source for true self-control far beyond that of our feeble selves.
Teacher Note: The Greek word for self-control in Galatians 5:23 is “egkrateia” which means “temperance: the virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, especially his sensual appetites.”
Say: Who can name some wild animals? Take a look at these wild animals!
(Show pictures of animals).
Which animal is called the “king of the jungle”? Why do you think lions are called “king of the jungle”? They can do anything they want; they are fierce and wild!
Let’s take a look at a short video clip. (Show clip of lion tamer act.)
That lion tamer had control of those lions, didn’t he? That man can make the lion (which is naturally wild) do whatever he wants it to do. The man can make the lion do something it doesn’t want to do (like roll over), or the tamer can keep the lion from doing something that it does want to do (like biting the man). Clearly, the man was in control of the lion.
Today we’re talking about self-control. Can anyone guess what that means? With self-control, we control ourselves. We control our desires – our “want to’s”. Through self-control, we keep ourselves from doing something bad that we shouldn’t do, and we make ourselves do good things that we should do.
Self-Control In Jesus
PPT CUE
Say: Once again, the perfect example of this fruit, self-control, is found in Jesus. Jesus is the one person who had perfect self-control His entire life. The Bible calls Jesus the one who “had no sin” (2 Corinthians 5:21), which means He never sinned at all. Think about that kind of self-control! He never thought, “Just this one time, I can lie to my parents,” or, “No one will knew if I punch my brother.”
We might think, “Well, Jesus must have lived a life very different from me. He didn’t have to live with my sister!” We might think that no one ever bothered Him, or nothing ever went wrong for Him. This is not true at all! For one thing, the Bible tells us that Jesus had lots of brothers and sisters (Matthew 13:55-56). Is it easy to live with brothers and sisters without ever being annoyed or frustrated with them? No way! In fact, the Bible says that Jesus was tempted to sin in every way that we are tempted (Hebrews 4:15) which means His brothers and sisters probably bugged Him sometimes, but He never sinned. He was not mean to them, He didn’t hit them, He never stole their candy. He didn’t even think bad thoughts about them! That is amazing self-control!
But Jesus not only had self-control to keep Himself from doing wrong things. He had so much self-control that He was always able to the right things! He always did what God wanted Him to do, even when it was very, very difficult and painful. Do you remember the story that we talk about at Easter - when Jesus was arrested and taken to the cross? On the night that Jesus was arrested, before the soldiers came to take Him, He was on the Mount of Olives praying to God. Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup of suffering away from me. But do what you want, not what I want.” (Luke 22:42) Jesus knew that He would go through terrible suffering when He was arrested and nailed to a cross. No one would want to suffer by hanging on a cross! But by His incredible self-control, Jesus chose to obey God’s will rather than doing what He wanted to do.
Think about all the power that Jesus had. He had done so many miracles – He had healed the sick, created food to feed thousands, and cast out demons. He even raised people from the dead! Could Jesus have stopped the soldiers and the people from nailing Him to that cross? Yes! Of course! Jesus had all the power of God at His fingertips. He could have easily stopped the people from crucifying Him (Matthew 26:53). But He had the self-control to do exactly what God asked Him to do, even through all that pain and suffering. Jesus trusted that God’s plan was perfect. He wanted to save you and me from the punishment of our sin, so He willingly went to the cross. And after He did, God raised Him from the dead and now Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God (Acts 7:56)!
Jesus always had the self-control to keep Himself from sinning, and to obey God. The reason He had this amazing self-control was because He was full of the Holy Spirit, and He spent as much time as He could with His Father. The more time we spend with God, the more good fruit God will grow in our lives – and Jesus had the most spiritual fruit of anyone.
Self-Control In Us
Say: So how do we have that kind of control over our own thoughts and actions?
Let’s pretend that you went to the Spring Festival at your school. There were all kinds of games to play. You decided to try the Cakewalk. When the music stopped, you were on the right number, so you won a cake! Let’s say you chose a huge chocolate cake, because chocolate cake is your very favorite thing to eat. (Hold up a chocolate cake.) You love chocolate cake so much, you wished you could eat the entire cake yourself. But should you? No! Why not? That would be terrible for your body; you would get really sick.
There are two ways to keep you from eating that entire cake. Someone could stop you, or you could stop yourself. Your mom could take the cake away and hide it, or you could just resist eating the whole thing. Which option sounds more like self-control? Is self-control when somebody keeps you from doing something, or when you can keep yourself from doing that thing? Self-control is when you control you, when you make yourself do the right thing.
Just like a lion naturally wants to prowl the jungle or roar at a human, our natural self (our sin nature) wants to do bad stuff sometimes. What are some bad things that we are tempted to do sometimes? You might want to grab what you want right when you want it; you might want to hit someone or yell at someone when you are angry; you might want to push someone when they get in front of you; you might want your own way instead of thinking of others. These are all actions that we must control for ourselves.
Also, there are some good things that we should do, that our natural self just doesn’t want to do. We should get up and get ready for school in the morning; we should do our homework; we should do our chores that our parents ask us to do. Again, it takes self-control to do the right things that we are supposed to do.
The term “self-control” is sort of a tricky phrase. It is “self”-control because no other person is doing it for us. But that doesn’t mean we are all on our own! God’s Holy Spirit that lives inside of each believer is the One who is really giving us the power to have self-control. When we believe in Jesus, God’s Spirit fills us – just like it filled Jesus (Luke 4:1). We can have self-control just like Jesus did when we depend on the Spirit to guide us. So no matter what is going on around us, we can keep from doing wrong things and we can do right things.
PPT CUE
(God’s grace) teaches us to say no to godless ways and sinful longings. We must control ourselves. We must do what is right. We must lead godly lives in today's world. – Titus 2:12
Conclusion
Say: We’ve talked about many fruits of the Spirit, and the Bible tells us that there are even more. Don’t ever think that you have to grow this fruit on your own! In fact, you can’t grow it on your own! Jesus said, “I am the vine. You are the branches. If anyone remains joined to Me, and I to him, he will bear a lot of fruit. You can't do anything without Me.” (John 15:5)
The very concept of “self-control” implies a battle between a divided self. It implies that our “self” produces desires we should not satisfy but instead “control.” We should deny ourselves and take up our cross daily, Jesus says, and follow him (Luke 9:23). Daily our “self” produces desires that should be “denied” or “controlled.”
The path that leads to heaven is narrow and strewn with suicidal temptations to abandon the way. Therefore Jesus says, “Strive to enter through the narrow door” (Luke 13:24). The Greek word for “strive” is agonizesthe, in which you correctly hear the English word “agonize.”
The Narrow Door
We get a taste of what is involved from Matthew 5:29: “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.” This is the fierceness of self-control. This is what is behind the words of Jesus in Matthew 11:12: “The kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.” Are you laying hold on the kingdom fiercely?
Paul says that Christians exercise self-control like the Greek athletes, only our goal is eternal, not temporal. “Every athlete [agonizomenos] exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable” (1 Corinthians 9:25). So he says, “I discipline my body and keep it under control” (1 Corinthians 9:27). Self-control is saying no to sinful desires, even when it hurts.
A Superior Pleasure
But the Christian way of self-control is not “Just say no!” The problem is with the word “just.” You don’t just say no. You say no in a certain way: You say no by faith in the superior power and pleasure of Christ. It is just as ruthless. And may be just as painful. But the difference between worldly self-control and godly self-control is crucial. Who will get the glory for victory? That’s the issue. Will we get the glory? Or will Christ get the glory? If we exercise self-control by faith in Christ’s superior power and pleasure, Christ will get the glory.
“Godly self-control says no by faith in the superior power and pleasure of Christ.”
Fundamental to the Christian view of self-control is that it is a gift. It is the fruit of the Holy Spirit: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace . . . self-control” (Galatians 5:22–23). How do we “strive” against our fatal desires? Paul answers: “For this I toil, struggling [agonizomenos] with all his energy that he powerfully works within me” (Colossians 1:29). He “agonizes” by the power of Christ, not his own. Similarly he tells us, “If by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (Romans 8:13). “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts” (Zechariah 4:6). We must be fierce! Yes. But not by our might. “The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord” (Proverbs 21:31).
And how does the Spirit produce this fruit of self-control in us? By instructing us in the superior preciousness of grace, and enabling us to see and savor (that is, “trust”) all that God is for us in Jesus. “The grace of God has appeared . . . training us to renounce . . . worldly passions . . . in the present age” (Titus 2:11–12). When we really see and believe what God is for us by grace through Jesus Christ, the power of wrong desires is broken. Therefore, the fight for self-control is a fight of faith. “Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called” (1 Timothy 6:12).
For your personal “rule of life,” here are some aspects of your life you may want to consider:
- Your relationships. Identify who is (or should be) important to you, and how you practice that importance in the cadence of your life. Consider your relationship to:
- Your family and friends.
- Your colleagues and neighbors; your fellow volunteers, or parishioners, or members of some organization.
- Your enemies. (If you were to tell me you don’t have enemies, I don’t buy it. Jesus had enemies! If “enemy” is not a word in your vocabulary, then incorporate “people who are not helpful to your program,” or “irritating people who get under your skin.” What about them in your rule of life?)
- The maturing of your mind. Jesus said that “every scribe who has been trained for the kingdom of heaven is like the master of a household who brings out of his treasure what is new and what is old.”[iii] What of your study in times past has been intellectually formative, challenging, inspiring, motivating that is worth retrieving? And for now, what is going on “out there” that is new, intriguing, stimulating, puzzling, even off-putting but clearly has captured attention – yours or others’? Push yourself. What venues can you access – whether books or audio books, periodicals, podcasts, online courses, public lectures, participation in study groups – that provide intellectual stimulation? How is your mind growing, not constricting, as you age?
- The custody of your body. For many of us, in our younger life our body was like a well-trained personal assistant: responding to our desires and demands, and taking us to destinations near and far, wherever and whenever we chose. Sickness and the limitations that come either in younger life or with aging change the relationship between our soul’s desires and our body’s abilities. We need to keep on good speaking terms with our body. Incorporate into your rule of life the custody of your own body with diet, sleep, exercise, and health care. How will you cherish and care for your body?
- The stewardship of your resources. You have inner resources in your personal gifts and abilities. How can these be cultivated, enjoyed, and shared? You also have physical assets that you hold now and from which you will part at the end of your life. You will likely need to be in communication with your family, friends, and with your lawyer; however also be in good communication with your own soul. Identify practices in your rule of life how you will have, hold, and share the resources entrusted to you.
- The release of your creativity. We say in our Rule of Life, “Each of us has been given the divine spark of creativity and imagination, and as we grow in our conversion to Christ, so should our gratitude and reverence for these gifts.”[iv] What cultivates and expresses your creativity? If you are out of practice, what could you try? To what could you return that you enjoyed as a child? Try some things. You need not be a master. The author, Brian Andreas, writes rather whimsically: “I had a dream and I heard music and there were children standing around, but no one was dancing. I asked a little girl why not? and she said they didn’t know how, or maybe they used to but they forgot and so I started to hop up and down and the children asked me, Is that dancing? and I laughed and said, no, that’s hopping, but at least it’s a start and soon everyone was hopping and laughing and it didn’t matter anymore that no one was dancing.”[v]
- The enjoyment of your life. Many of us began life by playing… and then life became increasingly earnest and complex. What to you is enjoyable? What gives you delight? Some years ago, our late brother Paul Wessinger was asked by a group of students the single-most important practice for thriving in life. Br. Paul was a holy man, and I knew he would respond with some wisdom about prayer and his relationship with God. Wrong! With a rather mischievous look in his eyes, Br. Paul said, “what we need for thriving is a good sense of humor,” and then he laughed heartily. Enjoyment should figure into your rule of life. You’re worth it! I particularly enjoy fun with language. Did you hear how Winston Churchill, after being reprimanded by Lady Astor for ending a sentence with a preposition, retorted, “This is the kind of thing up with which I will not put!”
- The observance of sabbath time. Jesus was formed by the practice of sabbath rest, and he presumes our similar need.[vi] In our Rule of Life, we devote an entire chapter to “Rest and Recreation.” Our sabbath day of rest (which for us Brothers is on Mondays) gives us the opportunity to refresh and deepen our friendships, and it enables us to rest, exercise, and play. Our sabbath observance encourages a space for music, art, entertainment, hobbies, and other for pursuits that interest us. We even say in our Rule that each and every day should include an element of sabbath. Let your rule of life enshrine sabbath rest figuring into every day, something more every week, something more every month, something more every year.
- What else? What else is essential for you that I have not named here? What would contribute to your thriving: something that you need to add into your life; maybe something that you need to limit in your life; maybe something you need to exclude from your life?
Was all this what Saint Paul meant when he named self-control as one of the fruits of the Spirit? I don’t fully know. But I do know that, after thirty-five years of living as a monk, and by a rule of life, I have found a rule of life enormously helpful to me – and to those with whom I share life – in naming and claiming the way we intend to live. When we live not haphazardly, not accidentally, nor just reactively, but with purpose and intention, we have a much better chance at discovering the freedom that God wishes for us, the freedom to be fully alive.
Self-control will help you to claim meaning in life to be fully and freely alive, now.
Here are some questions for your own pondering and prayer. You also may find this meaningful to share in conversation.
- In the course of your own life, whom have you seen that lived their lives with a pattern and practices that you found inspiring or inviting? Why?
- Where in your life do you need to say “yes,” and where do you need to say “no”? (Unless we find the freedom to say “no,” we are really not free to say “yes.”)
- What is your prayer for self-control?
Before we leave, a few final words of encouragement from the Scriptures:
“You must make every effort to support your faith with goodness, and goodness with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with endurance, and endurance with godliness, and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love.” 2 Peter 1:5-7
Be well.
[i] The Greek word ἐγκράτεια (self-control) appears as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:23, and also at Acts 24:25 and 2 Peter 1:5-7: “For this very reason, you must make every effort to support your faith with goodness, and goodness with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with endurance, and endurance with godliness, and godliness with mutual affection, and mutual affection with love.”
[ii] Bonnie Ware’s “Regrets of the Dying”: https://bronnieware.com/regrets-of-the-dying/
[iii] Matthew 13:52.
[iv] The SSJE Rule of Life, chapter 44: ”Maintaining Our Health and Creativity.” For your inspiration, SSJE’s entire Rule of Life is available online at no cost: https://www.ssje.org/worship/rule-of-life-resources
[v] Brian Andreas in Mostly True; Collected Stories and Drawings.
[vi] In the Ten Commandments, the longest explanation is given to the fourth commandment: “Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy.” The explanation is given in Exodus
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