Gossip and backbiting

 We love to know and share rumors and secrets. The more scandalous they are, the more fun they can be to share. We often forget to stop to consider if it is true or not. We adjust or fill in the details, exaggerating here and there so we can get the right reaction. We become storytellers of the worst kind. We want to know about disputes and give our opinion. We are drawn to conflict. We want to watch fights.

“Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!” James 3:4-5.

Backbiting and gossip: A message that spreads like cancer

Many people don’t take backbiting and gossip seriously. We quickly recognize stealing, anger and jealousy as sins, but we often don’t consider that it is also a sin to gossip and backbite.

“But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. And their message will spread like cancer.” 2 Timothy 2:16-17. Backbiting can come to us so naturally that we can even do it while thinking. A simple conversation becomes an opportunity to complain or speak negatively about someone. Maybe we hold a prejudice against someone and secretly want others to share that prejudice, weaving opinions into a conversation to get the others to agree, “Oh, yes, he is so much like this” or “It’s absolutely horrible how she gets away with that.” In backbiting, we encourage others to backbite as well.

The results of backbiting are horrendous: Division, strife, suspicion. Satan is all about division. He loves any opportunity he gets to break down brotherhood and unity. It is incredible what gossip and backbiting can tear down. “A whisperer separates the best of friends.” Proverbs 16:28.

The taste of backbiting lingers. Over time, a small issue becomes a big one that drives a wedge between friends. Where there once was a clean and pure source, it has been stirred up so it has become dark and murky.

Growing in love for one another

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32.

First and foremost, to be free from gossip and backbiting, we need to grow in love. Are our words building up bonds of love, or are they tearing down?

It is written in Matthew 12:34: “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” If our mouth is quick to speak evil of the others, what does this tell us about our hearts? How much love do we have, really, if we are so eager to talk about the others behind their backs?

When we have a genuine love for the others, it simply isn’t possible to backbite them. All grievances and complaints against them disappear. Love is written about in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” If this is the kind of love we have for the ones around us, the mere thought of speaking against them in secret should be terrible!

We need to pray to God for help so we can grow in love and show goodness and kindness towards the others. If we think someone is doing something wrong, we can pray for that person and God will show us how we can help. Perhaps we can go to the person in a spirit of love and ask them for clarification, rather than muddy the waters with backbiting. It’s nearly impossible to harbor evil thoughts or to backbite against someone we are praying for. We need to focus on the positive and be active in praying for the others. By sharing this love, we can help to bring peace and rest.

Have you heard a rumor or story about someone else? Just let it die with you! “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.” Proverbs 26:20. If we accept everything we hear about the others as fact right away, it shows how close the sin of gossip and backbiting is to us. Even letting the idea run around in our minds is the first step on the path towards division and strife. Lies spread like wildfire.

A decided stance against backbiting and gossip

What should we do if the others around us begin to backbite? Maybe we have been invited into a conversation where people are speaking badly about someone else. “Hey, did you hear about what he did?”

If we allow this to continue, we are just as guilty as the ones who brought it up. We cannot take part in gossip and backbiting in order to be “friendly,” or to “go along with the crowd.” Do we have a willingness to fight against this? Do we want to be finished with backbiting? We cannot allow these thoughts and actions to live when we know that they need to die.

People will often defend themselves by saying that the backbiting they do is true. This is not a defense! “Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.” Romans 2:1. Even if every single word was true, we need to remember that backbiting in itself is wickedness! If we listen to and tolerate backbiting, we share the blame for it. We need to flatly deny a backbiter the opportunity to say another word!

Comfort and edify one another

“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29.

Our mouths can be used to do great goodness, in blessing and uplifting the others, or great wickedness, in speaking evil and slandering the others. “Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing.” James 3:10. When we take up a battle against backbiting, we can become an example for others. We can radiate a spirit so strong against gossiping and murmuring that people will know that it simply isn’t acceptable.

We need to be on watch at all times so that we can be one who builds unity with our words, instead of being one who tears it down. “He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.” 1 John 2:10.

We tolerate gossip because we’ve all been guilty of it. It’s easy to condemn people for sins you’ve never committed, but it’s not so easy to face up to sin which you have done and have encouraged others to do by listening to their gossip. So we tend to shrug it off. Or we spiritualize it: “I just wanted you to know so that you could pray.” But we need to own up to gossip as a serious sin that can destroy people.

To develop and protect proper relationships in the church, we must deal with the sin of gossip.

One of the tricky aspects of this subject is defining the term. Sometimes we fall into the sin of gossip because we’re fuzzy about what it is. Sometimes it involves a judgment call and we cross the line inadvertently. But if we would just deal with what we’re clear about, it would go a long way toward healing broken relationships and preventing further damage in the church.

What is gossip?

Webster defines gossip as either “a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts,” or as “a rumor or report of an intimate nature.” One of the biblical words used means “a whisperer” (Rom. 1:30, 2 Cor. 12:20) which points to the intimate nature of the material shared. Another word means “busybodies” (2 Thess. 3:11; 1 Tim. 5:13). Another word means to meddle in business which doesn’t pertain to you (1 Pet. 4:15). Another word comes from a verb meaning “to babble,” suggesting that gossip is empty, pointless talk, often not completely factual (1 Tim. 5:13). Another word, translated “malicious gossips” (1 Tim. 3:11, Titus 2:3) is the same word that is most often translated “devil.” It comes from a compound word meaning to throw something against someone. It ought to scare us to realize that when we gossip we enter into the very nature of the devil!

I’m going to boil all these nuances down by defining gossip as sharing information which damages another person’s reputation with those who have no need to know. It may be completely factual. More often, the one sharing it has not bothered to check out the facts, which get distorted for the sake of making it more interesting. If the one who is sharing the information knows that it is not completely true and his motive for sharing it is to damage the other person, it moves from gossip to slander. The Hebrew word most often translated “slander” means to give an evil report about someone. The Greek word means to speak against someone. James says that if we do that, we make ourselves the judge of both our brother and God’s law, usurping God’s rightful place (James 4:11, 12).

To help us understand how gossip and slander work, let’s look at a case study in 2 Samuel 13-15. Absalom was a young man who was deeply hurt by his father, King David. Absalom’s full sister, Tamar, had been raped by their half-brother, Amnon. David got angry, but he didn’t do anything about it. Absalom let his bitterness simmer for two years. Then he murdered Amnon in cold blood, and fled the country.

Three years went by and David longed for Absalom to come back, but he felt like he couldn’t do it. But Joab, David’s top general, used trickery to get the king to admit how badly he wanted to bring Absalom home. So David consented. But, to keep up the appearance of “justice,” he refused to see Absalom. Two more years went by with Absalom living in Jerusalem without seeing his father. Finally, Absalom couldn’t stand it any longer and forced the issue. The father and son met and David kissed Absalom. But by now, he was a bitter, rebellious young man.

Now watch what happens (read 2 Sam. 15:1-6). First Absalom organized a loyal following and took on a self-appointed role (15:1, “provided for himself”). Then he began to befriend those who had complaints. Gossips always look for those who have a complaint because they will readily listen to the damaging rumors. He took an interest in them by asking them where they were from. It was a superficial interest, because Absalom wasn’t concerned about them, but about furthering himself over his dad whom he was mad at. But they couldn’t discern that. They just felt like here was someone in government who cared. Gossips project that image: “You can trust me; I care for you and I understand what you’re going through in trying to deal with this impossible person.”

Absalom gave them personalized attention like they had never seen before. He put himself on their level by kissing them rather than letting them prostrate themselves. He was signaling, “I’m just a regular guy like you. I’m not royalty like the king. I know what it’s like to be a working man.” He made them feel that here was someone who cared for them and understood their problem. In the process, he subtly maligned the king (15:3) and suggested himself as the answer (15:4). He would give them the justice they now were having problems obtaining. (It makes you wonder if some modern politicians haven’t studied this text!)

That’s how it often happens in a local church. A person gets hurt over some incident. They feel like the church failed to meet their needs. They grow bitter, blaming the leadership for not caring about their problem. The hurt person intends to go talk to one of the leaders about things, but it doesn’t happen. Then, one day he runs into someone else from the church who seems caring and concerned. So he shares his complaint. The “caring” person replies, “Well, it doesn’t surprise me. You’re not the first to have this kind of problem with the leaders, you know.” “Really?” “Oh, yes, in fact I was just talking with another family who ran into the same brick wall.” [He goes on to describe that situation.] “Those pastors just don’t seem to care. We need some leaders who would care about the needs of good people like you.”

That’s gossip and slander in operation! The person who felt hurt had no business telling anyone about it except the one against whom he had the complaint. The gossip tested the waters by saying, “It doesn’t surprise me. There are others, you know,” implying that he had inside information he was willing to share. The hurt person took the bait by saying, “Really?” Then the gossip took up the offense, assumed the position of neutral judge (which the Lord had not assigned him) and shared more damaging gossip which he had no business sharing. Through it all he showed a concern for the hurt person by subtly contrasting himself with those insensitive leaders. Satan uses that scenario over and over to destroy churches and church leaders.

I want to deal with two questions: First, How can I deal with my own gossip? Second, How can I deal with gossip in others?

How can I deal with my own gossip?

1. See gossip as serious sin and confess it to God.

One of the main reasons we don’t deal with gossip is that we excuse it as no big deal. It’s not seen as a “bad” sin, like adultery or homosexuality or armed robbery (but see 1 Pet. 4:15). So we rationalize it and tolerate it. But we need to see the destructive power of our tongues and confess and forsake the sin of gossip.

Proverbs 18:21 states, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, ...” The Japanese have a proverb which says that though the tongue is only three inches long it can slay a man six feet high. Proverbs 16:27, 28 states, “A worthless man digs up evil, while his words are as a scorching fire. A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends.” Gossip spreads contention and contaminates those who come in touch with it: “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down. Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife. The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, and they go down into the innermost parts of the body” (Prov. 26:20-22).

Professional boxers need to be careful not to get into fist fights outside of the ring, because their hands are considered lethal weapons in a court of law. We need to see our tongues that way. James 1:26 says, “If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.” The tongue, like an unbroken horse, needs to be bridled or restrained. James also says (3:2) that “the man who can claim that he never says the wrong thing can consider himself perfect, for if he can control his tongue he can control every other part of his personality!” (Phillips paraphrase). Until we see that our tongues are capable of terrible evil and confess our loose tongue as sin, we won’t conquer gossip.

2. Realize that you can’t conquer gossip in your strength.

James 3:7-8 asserts, “For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.” No one can tame the tongue! That shows the power of sin over fallen human nature. Jesus said that evil speech stems from our hearts, which are evil (Matt. 15:19). Until we realize the utter depravity of our hearts and cry out to God for His deliverance, we will never conquer the sin of gossip.

3. Yield your tongue to God as an instrument of righteousness.

Paul says (Rom. 6:12-13) that rather than let sin reign in our bodies, where we go on presenting the members of our bodies to sin as instruments of unrighteousness, we are to present ourselves to God as those alive from the dead and our members as instruments of righteousness to God. It is a choice of masters: Either we serve sin or we serve God.

Memorizing Scripture is a powerful weapon for overcoming sin. A verse that has helped me in the battle to control my tongue is Proverbs 12:18: “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” The word picture is that my tongue can either be a sword or a scalpel. I can speak rashly and wound another person like sword thrusts; or, I can consider what I say and use my tongue as a scalpel to bring healing. That leads to the next step:

4. Make a commitment to build others in Christ, not to tear them down.

Ephesians 4:29 gives us this contrast: “Let no unwholesome [lit., “rotten”] word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Have you ever bit into a rotten piece of fruit? You want to spit it out of your mouth and rinse your mouth out. That’s how we ought to feel about speech that tears others down. When you say things behind someone’s back which tear them down or ruin their reputation, it’s rotten speech. It may even be true, but the person you’re sharing it with has no need to know.

By way of contrast we are to say things which build up others according to their need, that it may give grace to those who hear. That doesn’t mean that we paper over people’s faults or make them look good when they did us harm. Paul sometimes warned his readers of individuals, whom he named, who were causing problems for the church (1 Tim. 1:20; 2 Tim. 1:15; 4:14, 15). He told the church in Rome, “Keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them” (Rom. 16:17). So we aren’t to have a “Pollyanna Positive” view of people where we never say anything bad about anybody. But we need to make a commitment to build up others, not to tear them down, whether in our presence or not.

5. Fill your life with meaningful work.

In 1 Timothy 5:13-14, Paul talks about younger widows who were idle and went about from house to house as “gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper to mention.” He instructs them to “get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach.”

Even though men are as prone to gossip as women, most of the New Testament injunctions against it are directed to women. In Titus 2:3-5 Paul writes that, among other things, older women are not to be malicious gossips so that they can teach younger women to love their husbands and children and to be workers at home. One requirement for deaconesses is that they not be malicious gossips (1 Tim. 3:11). Whether for men or women, it takes time to spread gossip, so if you want to avoid the problem, fill your life with meaningful work and service for the Lord.

6. Examine your motives for sharing information about another person.

Why do I need to share this with this person? Is it to make me look good and the other person look bad? Maybe I have a gripe about the other person, and I’m trying to win people to my side by running down the other guy. Perhaps I want to share information because it feels good to be in the know. Then others will look to me as one who always has the inside scoop. Perhaps the other person threatens me and I’m trying to put him down to make myself more secure. There are a lot of fleshly reasons for sharing something about another person behind his back.

The only right reasons for sharing damaging information about a person behind his back are to seek to bring help to the person or to warn someone who could be damaged by this person. You must be very honest before the Lord in this, because it’s easy to play games! If a person is not directly involved in the problem and isn’t a part of the solution, and if they don’t need to be warned for their own protection, they don’t need to know details. If they ask questions, you can simply say, “Yes, there are some problems, but I’m not free to divulge details.”

7. Refuse to listen to those who want to spread gossip.

Proverbs 20:19 states, “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.” If you listen to gossip, you’ll be tempted to pass it on. If you refuse to listen to it, you won’t have fuel for that fire. A gossip will contaminate you with damaging information which may hinder you from relationships which could help you grow in the Lord.

I read of one pastoral leader who once spent a year with a certain fellowship working with their pastoral team. Before meeting them he had heard good things about one of the leaders and wanted to pursue a friendship with him. He mentioned this to one of the other leaders who responded, “Oh, you’ll find he’s no good for personal things.” The first man said, “But I’ve heard so many good things about him.” “Sure. He’s a great speaker. But he’s really rigid and aloof. Nobody here tries to talk to him much anymore.”

Unfortunately, the first man listened to this unfavorable word. But during the year he was puzzled because it didn’t seem to add up. In the last few weeks he was there, he finally got to know the man and found him to be extremely helpful and personable. By this time, the one who had given the bad report was dropping out of the group. The man’s own problems had prevented him from having a good relationship with the other man. (Told by Gerry Rauch in “Pastoral Renewal,” 9/83, p. 13.)

You ask, How do I refuse to listen to someone who wants to spread gossip? That leads to the final question:

How can I deal with gossip in others?

It’s never easy because sometimes it sneaks up on you. But often a gossip will test your spirit before he gives you the information. If you seem interested, he will give you more. Sometimes he will create curiosity by dropping comments that indicate that he knows something that would interest you. If you take the bait, he tells you more.

Bill Gothard shares five questions to ask before you listen to an evil report. I find that often I can’t ask these before, but as a person starts to share something with me, I’m mulling the first one over in my mind, and I ask it as soon as I can.

1. What is your reason for telling me?

You’re asking the person their motive for sharing this information with you. Is it so that you can be involved in the solution? Why you and not someone else? If it’s none of your business, then tell the person, “I am not the one to talk to about this matter. You should go directly to the person involved.”

A few years ago, an elderly lady in our church didn’t like the fact that we started using the guitar in our worship services. She started calling other women in the church, trying to win them to her side, running me down in the process. But she made the mistake of calling the wife of one of our elders, who told her, “You have no business calling me or any other person. You need to talk to Steve.” Then this elder’s wife told me what was going on. I went to visit this lady and gently tried to tell her that if she had a problem, she should go directly to the one she had the problem with. Well, that was totally foreign to her mode of operation! The next time I called on her she snapped at me, “Have you come to bawl me out again?” But, to my knowledge, she stopped spreading dissension in the church.

2. Where did you get your information?

If a person refuses to identify the source of information, he is probably spreading an evil report. When Paul wrote to the Corinthians, he was open about his source of information: “I have been informed concerning you, my brethren, by Chloe’s people, that there are quarrels among you” (1 Cor. 1:11).

3. Have you gone to those directly involved?

Jesus was clear: If you have a problem with your brother, go directly to him and seek to clear it up (Matt. 18:15). If a person has not done this, he is not interested in helping restore an offender, but only in spreading gossip (unless he’s never been instructed in how to deal with such matters). You can say, “I can’t verify the things you’re saying. Before you talk to anyone else, you need to go directly to this person and talk to him about it. If you need help on how to do that, I’ll be glad to coach you. Then I’d like you to tell me how it went.”

4. Have you personally checked out all of the facts?

Often, gossip is based on hearsay or misinformation. Or the person spreading it has listened to only one side. Proverbs 18:17 (NIV) observes, “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.” By the time gossip travels down the line, it gets even more distorted. We are to speak truth with one another (Eph. 4:25). If you haven’t checked the facts, it’s only a rumor, not verified truth.

5. Can I quote you if I check this out?

A gossip doesn’t want to be quoted because he’s not sure of his facts and he doesn’t want to be involved in the solution.

• Proverbs 11:13 – “He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.”
• Proverbs. 17:9a - “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.”
• Proverbs 20:19 – “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.”
• Proverbs 25:9-10 - “…don’t reveal the secret of another, lest he who hears it reproach you, and the evil report about you not pass away.”
• Matthew 18:15 - “If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private…” This implies the desirability of resolving the matter one on one.

We have all seen the wreckage that gossip can cause: feelings hurt, trust destroyed, relationships ruined – and above all, an atmosphere of mistrust and fear. People feel reluctant to open up out of fear people will broadcast it. Also, people may not open up about serious problems, or may sanitize their versions of those problems unless we can offer them the safety of confidentiality.

Merely avoiding gossip isn’t enough. While the Scripture above shows a value for confidentiality between friends, the following passages signal a scriptural value for transparency. 

Take, for example, disciplinary cases involving objective and damaging sin.

• Matthew 18:16, 17 – The same passage that recommends resolving it in private commands making it public if necessary.
• Galatians 6:1 – It must be a public matter if someone was “caught in sin.” 
• 1 Timothy 5:20 – Paul tells Timothy that an elder who “continues in sin” should be rebuked “in the presence of all.” 

We may conclude from passages like these that we do not have the right to insist that other Christians cover up our sins. Other passages indicate that discussing others’ sins may be necessary for the healthy working of the local church. 

Some features of biblical leadership imply the need for a degree of open communication:

• Passages that speak of corporate leadership (1 Peter 5:1ff) imply telling each other about matters that affect the health of the church. How can they shepherd the flock if they do not have access to knowledge about the sheep? 
  
  Note: We must maintain a high value for confidentiality even if we’re conferring with a co-leader. We should be able to trust that the sensitive information we’re discussing will not spread beyond the confines of that conversation.
   
• See the examples of “Chloe’s people” (1 Corinthians 1:11), Paul’s discussion of Peter’s sin (Galatians 2), and Paul’s discussion of Demas’ defection (2 Timothy 4:10).
   
• The need for care with sensitive information may be one of the reasons for the high character qualifications of leaders (“not double-tongued”). We need to trust them to handle this kind of knowledge responsibly.
   
• Passages requiring that leaders be “above reproach” (1 Timothy 3; Titus 1) imply that Christians should come forward if they know that leader or would-be leader is under reproach.

The metaphors of the church as a body and a family argue powerfully for the openness of Christians both with one another and about one another:

• The members are affected by those in need (1 Corinthians 12:26). They should help those in need (Romans 12:15), but they cannot help if they do not know of the need.
   
• The “one another passages” (Galatians 6:2; James 5:16) are in the plural. We should not only see them in the individual sense (i.e. counselor/client 1:1 session), but also as a family helping each other.

This concept of conferral grates against our culture’s value of autonomous individualism. Western culture stresses the “right of individual privacy” at the expense of the individual’s responsibility to community. People rarely share their problems with one another. When people venture to open up about their struggles, it’s almost exclusively in a client/counselor setting where confidentiality is strictly enforced.

The Western church has largely adopted our culture’s view of confidentiality. The Christian church has unintentionally taught most of its members to live on an island in the name of avoiding gossip and “upholding confidentiality.” Not only do churches implicitly discourage people to be open with each other, they encourage those with whom they have shared their problem to maintain strict confidentiality.

This insistence upon strict confidentiality has resulted in both a lack of community and a host of church cover ups. We all have seen horrible reproach come to the Western church due to cover-ups and lack of transparency. News headlines regularly expose church leaders for telling members to keep silent when the members should’ve conferred with an objective third party. The result is something every bit as ugly as a church riddled by gossip: no true community, no church discipline and people wrestling with their sin problems alone.

 

GOSSIP VS. CONFERRAL

The above passages do not contradict one another. It’s a tension within which Christians needs to live. It’s best to keep what someone confessed to yourself most of the time. But there are times when you should bring it to the attention of others. Consider these passages which extol conferral. 

• Proverbs 1:5 ‘A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel.’
• Proverbs 13:10 ‘…wisdom is with those who seek counsel.’
• Proverbs 15:22 ‘Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.’

Sometimes it can be misleading to hear only one side. The Bible encourages us to seek further consultation. Failing to confer on important matters is a common error in discernment.

• Proverbs 18:17 ‘The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him.’

You may need to ask yourself a few questions to determine if you’re conferring or gossiping.

• Will the person with whom you are conferring be able to give you wise counsel?
• Is the driving force concern or curiosity?
• Are you seeking help or are you broadcasting someone’s lurid secrets to get a response from people?
• Are we actually looking for input or are we simply venting frustration?

The Bible condemns and prohibits gossip. Yet, it commends conferral for the sake of building up fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Conferral	Gossip
Motivated by the desire to help the person and the body of Christ	Lack of concern or even the desire to hurt the person and exalt self
Confers only with responsible people who can help	Talks to whomever they please without regard for its effect on them
Confers only about live issues	Talks past, dead, purely personal issues
Done in addition to talking to the person if needed	Done instead of talking to the person if needed
Carefully explains the context of the problem to the conferee	Neglects or distorts the context of the problem
Promotes more trust, openness, and less gossip in the body of Christ	Promotes fear of openness and more gossip in the body of Christ
Discourages sharing when it's irrelevant to or interferes with loving others	Pressures other people to tell for the pleasure of being "in the know"
Respects the limits of "need-to-know" information	Feels entitled to know everything

 

 

WHEN CONSIDERING CONFERRAL VS. REMAINING SILENT

Christians should relate to each other on the basis of responsible trust. If you trust another brother or sister enough to confide in him or her, you should also trust that person to use that information responsibly. However, you should also demonstrate trustworthiness by maintaining confidentiality when someone shares embarrassing personal details that are neither harmful to the person nor sinful.

When ministering, we often have to determine whether to confer or remain silent. There are no strict rules, but here are some helpful guidelines for deciding.

• Does your silence injure another person or the witness of the body of Christ?
  
  Many issues are of such a purely personal nature (masturbation) or have taken place so long ago (sex life as an unbeliever) that there’s no good reason to share it with others. Show them acceptance and let them share this with others as they get to know them.
  
  But we should seek conferral on other issues directly affecting another party (adulterer’s spouse) or the witness of the body of Christ (brother swindling in business, youth worker who lusts for kids). We do not want to enter into a “conspiracy of silence” in the area of serious sin, which hurts others and the witness of Christ.
   
• What is the person’s role in the church? 

  Those with more authority bear more responsibility and accountability. We need to handle a deacon or elder who fell into gross moral sin differently than a new Christian. Elders and deacons bear responsibility in the Body of Christ whereas younger believers do not.

  THE DANGER OF GOSSIP

  Pick your cliche: You can’t unring a bell and an egg cannot be unscrambled. We are incapable of “unhearing” gossip, slander, backbiting, and other malicious forms of communication. 

  When we gossip, we’re willingly participating in a game of Death by 1,000 Cuts. Perhaps our cut did not do the victim in, but it contributed to the pain, agony, and misery of another person who was created in the likeness and image of God. 

  According to James, these things should not be this way. 

  James 3:9-10 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it, we curse people, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way. 

  Romans 1:29-31 They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, and malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, and ruthless.

  Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

  Matthew 12:36-37 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words, you will be condemned.

  WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT GOSSIP IN THE CHURCH

  Overweight doctors rarely discuss the issue of obesity with their patients. It’s kind of obvious why, right? Pastors and ministers rarely, if ever, broach the subject of gossip for similar reasons. 

  There is an infestation of gossip in many churches. It’s often disguised as concern and shared for “prayer purposes” but it’s still the same old gossip. 

  Lipstick on a pig doesn’t change a thing. 

  2 Corinthians 12:20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorder.

  Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

  Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.

  Psalm 141:3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

  DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOSSIP AND SLANDER 

  These two terms are interchangeable. Gossip is often given a pass as a harmless repetition of something heard. Slander is viewed as repeating lies or rumors about another to intentionally do harm or damage to them.

  How does one know what is true or what is rumor? Without asking for clarification we will not know. 

  It’s best to refrain from repeating a matter — any matter — to another person. The only exception is if the other person can truly help in the matter. 

  If they cannot help then do not share it. 

  WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT SLANDER

  James 4:11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.

  Leviticus 19:16 You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor: I am the Lord.

  Proverbs 10:18 The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever utters slander is a fool.

  Psalm 101:5 Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy; I will not endure one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart.

  Jeremiah 6:28 They are all stubbornly rebellious, going about with slanders; they are bronze and iron; all of them act corruptly.

  HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP 

  There are still plenty of gossip and scandal magazines in circulation. Each time I go to the supermarket the racks are still filled with the latest whispers about what is happening in Hollywood, New York, London, and more. 

  Why? 

  Proverbs 18:8 The words of a gossiper are like dainty morsels, and they go down into the innermost parts of the body.

  Why? Because there still is a market for salacious rumors and innuendo. 

  GOSSIP QUOTES

  “Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.” — Marie Curie

  “Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?” — Sean Covey

  “Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.” — Spanish Proverb

  “What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.” — Jewish Proverb

  “It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things.“ — Lawrence G. Lovasik

  Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys. — Joseph Conrad 

  If you gossip here, I will fire your butt! — Dave Ramsey

  IS GOSSIP A SIN

  The Apostle Paul included gossip along with the sins of murder and hating God. Obviously, it’s serious business and something that we should not take lightly. 

  Few of us would tolerate a person thumping a helpless person on their melon with a stick. Far too many of us permit a person to assassinate the character of a helpless person without a second thought. We silently watch and occasionally participate in the verbal assault of a helpless victim. 

  Gossip is not an acceptable sin. No sin is acceptable. We must take it as seriously as God does. It’s time to kick gossip out of our hearts and churches. 

  I John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

  Proverbs 28:13 Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

  VOMIT AVOIDANCE

  If we know that a friend is about to puke we immediately get out of the splatter zone. We would all do better if we treated gossip the same way we treat vomit. 

  When a person is ready to share a juicy tidbit of information, visualize that they have a severe case of stomach flu! 

  Do you really want THAT on your shoes? 

  God will help us eradicate this sin in our lives. His grace is sufficient for us. Let’s agree to confess and forsake this diabolical sin and crucify it once and for all! 

  DOXOLOGY

  Jude 24-25 Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time[a] and now and forever. Amen.