Honoring abusive parents

 Christians everywhere are aware of the words of Ephesians 6:2 — “Honor your father and mother.” For those of us with abusive parents, this is a very hard commandment to keep. It is one that brings much angst and guilt, tears and pain as we wrestle with our desire to please God. It is one that is fraught with confusion as we try to figure out how best to honor them, without harming ourselves.

After much tearful prayer, I came to the conclusion that just as there are different types of families (for example, loving ones and abusive ones) there are also different kinds of honoring.

When we honor abusive parents in a way that protects us and our own families, we are in fact still fulfilling the commandment. We need not feel guilt that we do not honor them through close contact – although that may be considered traditional in our society, or among members of our Christian congregation.

Which brings me to the big question. 

How do we honor abusive parents?

We honor them by not returning the abuse they gave to us.

We honor them by praying on their behalf for them to find the courage and knowledge to improve, change and transform their own lives.

We honor them by not enabling their bad behavior, or allowing them to continue their abusive ways with us, or others under our own protection.

We honor them by giving them clear boundaries and consequences if they are not remorseful, repentant or willing to work towards ending their abusive ways.

We honor them by stopping the cycle, not allowing their abusive legacy to continue in how we treat our own children.

We honor them by being good people who bring honor to God and establish a good reputation for our own family.

Remember the sons of Korah. Although their father, and his friends and their families died for their rebellion, the sons of Korah were saved. Numbers 26:11 reminds us of this: “However, the sons of Korah did not die that day.” Come could have reasoned that they were not obeying their father when they refused to support him in his rebellion against Moses and Aaron, but instead they realized their loyalty to God and their love for others was more important than loyalty to any human when they are behaving in a bad way.

So while we do our best to honor our parents, it does not always mean putting them first in our lives to the exclusion of our own mental and even physical health. We do what we can to take care of their physical and emotional needs, and we pray for their spiritual needs, but the time we spend with them may need to be limited for our own protection, and that of those we love.

The Hebrew word for honor is kabad(Exodus 20:12). Among other things, it means to be heavy, hard, burdensome. The Greek word is timao (Ephesians 6:2), which means to set the value of. Basically, it means we are to hold our parents in high priority. However the Bible tells us to treat other people, we are to do so even more for our parents. There are a few specific ways in which this applies to abusive parents.

Forgive: Matthew 18:21-22 tells us to forgive others. There is no exception for those who are abusive (Acts 7:60). Forgiving them does not absolve them of their sin in God's eyes. It keeps our attitude toward them soft and ensures we don't harden ourselves against God (Matthew 6:14-15).

Reconcile: Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." The Bible does not allow us to respond to abuse with more abuse. The purpose of forgiveness is to make sure we are open to reconciliation if the other person repents of their behavior.

Pray: Matthew 5:44 is pretty clear: "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Only the Holy Spirit can heal an abusive heart. A right attitude toward an abusive parent would be hope that he or she can change, come to know Christ, and be the parent God designed them to be.

Love: Jesus exhorts us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-48). Whatever 1 Corinthians 13 tells us about love, we are to apply that doubly to our parents. Some of these are extremely hard: "love…is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." This is agape love; the love that we can only show if Jesus lives in us. He does not expect us to be able to do this on our own.

Provide: In Mark 7:9-13, Jesus condemns the Pharisees for supporting ministry over the care of their own parents. Nowhere does the Bible absolve children of caring for their elderly parents who cannot care for themselves. Scripture does not insist that elderly parents get everything they want, but we are still responsible for their basic needs as far as we are able (and as far as they allow us).

The Bible also gives us counsel on how to protect ourselves and our hearts from ungodly people—including abusive parents.

Don't be unequally yoked: Second Corinthians 6:14 basically means that we are not to have very close relationships with unbelievers. This applies even if our Christian parents act like unbelievers (Matthew 18:15-20). Our priority is always to God, and He does not want us unduly influenced by ungodly people.

Seek counsel: Ask God for wisdom (James 1:5). Recruit the advice of mature believers (Proverbs 15:22). Share your trials with others with the intent of receiving comfort and support, not encouragement to become resentful (Galatians 6:2).

Let God handle them: There may come a time when civil interaction is not possible because of a parent's sin. If so, the most loving thing to do may be to back away and let God handle things. First Corinthians 5:5 suggests that allowing a sinful Christian to reap his own rewards may be the most gracious course of action we can take.

These are hard steps to take; many of them will require a great deal of spiritual maturity and a fair amount of emotional detachment. But the nature of abuse often precludes either. If the abused child is unable to interact with the parent in a confident, proactive way, the child's priority should be seeking the emotional stability and spiritual maturity needed. It is loving and honoring to take whatever action is necessary to prevent the sins of abuse and hateful feelings. God does not expect instant maturity in His followers. It is God Who works in us (Philippians 2:13), and if we follow Him He will complete the necessary work to enable us to honor our abusive parent (Philippians 1:6).

Please note that God's command to honor even abusive parents does not in any way mean that an abused child should not report the abuse to the appropriate authorities. Civil authorities can be used by God to provide justice, protection, and healing. Reporting abuse is required of certain professionals and may serve to save the life of a child.

And here’s where we come to the perspective-shifting, abuse-breaking, lie-crushing, heart-healing truth of the matter. How do we emulate Christ when we’re confronted with evil? We reject evil. How do we follow Jesus when we’re commanded to sin? We defy wicked authorities. How do we honor the Spirit of truth (John 14:17) when we’re pressured to lie? We speak truth boldly, even if that means a lion’s den, a fiery furnace, or a blood-soaked cross.

In a beautiful plot twist of grace, keeping the fifth commandment means refusing to submit to evil parents. We cannot obey both God and evildoers. We follow Jesus despite them.

What Does It Mean to Honor?

These days, when we talk about honoring people, we think of awarding them a medal or dedicating a park bench. But there’s more to it than that. When we honor people, we are honorable ourselves, and we do what is honorable by them. Honoring godly people means building them up in righteousness.

In a beautiful plot twist of grace, keeping the fifth commandment means refusing to submit to evil parents.

Honoring ungodly people means calling them to repent of their sin, encouraging them to do what is right, and preventing them from doing further evil. An honorable response to sin is confronting it, refusing to enable it, and reporting crimes to law enforcement.

In the spirit of the law, I honored my father by refusing to succumb to the damage his sin inflicted. I honored my father by reporting his abuses. I honored my father by breaking the cycle and being a godly parent to my children. I honor my father daily by not letting him near my daughters.

My True Father

Ultimately, God comforts the brokenhearted children of evil fathers by inviting them to honor a father who is worthy of all honor. Who is my ultimate father? Is it someone I share DNA with but who treated me terribly, or is there more to fatherhood than biology? To paraphrase Jesus, God is my Father, and whoever does his will is my brother and sister and mother (Matt. 12:48–49). Our biological parents may fail us, but we have a Father who is holy. Through the work of Jesus, we’re adopted as God’s children, and we can cry to him, “Abba! Daddy!” (Rom. 8:15).

When we understand that God is our loving Father, the veil of confusion lifts and spiritual abuse unravels. If our parents are “the wicked” of Psalm 1, God does not want us to walk in their steps, stand in their ways, or sit in their company. He wants us to delight in the law of the Lord, and honor our true Father day and night. Every day is a new opportunity to honor my Father who is merciful and faithful. He is the One of whom heaven’s host sings, “Worthy are you . . . to receive glory and honor and power” (Rev. 4:11). He will never leave me or forsake me.

We learn what we truly value when the principles we hold true come into conflict with one another. Such is the case with a son or daughter who must determine how to relate to an abusive parent. The requires that we honor our parents. But does this imperative extend to a parent who has been physically or emotionally abusive?

The Jewish tradition puts great emphasis on the honor a child should show his or her parents. It goes beyond the general exhortation of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long on the soil that the Lord your God has given you” (Exodus 20:12). Rabbinic law and legend and medieval and modern ethical tracts give very specific guidelines for the ways in which honor for parents is to be translated into concrete actions and prohibitions.

On the other hand, the Jewish people are exhorted by the Torah: “You shall be very watchful of yourselves” (Deuteronomy 4:15), which is understood in classical biblical interpretation to be a call to guard one’s own health and well-being. When working with the children of abusive parents, mental health professionals urge those children to make a careful separation from the abusive parent, for the sake of self-preservation.

How, then, does one obey both imperatives? To what extent, and in what ways, should a child show respect for such a parent? Even if a son or daughter does choose to fulfill the biblical mandate, can it be done in a way that does not expose him or her to further damage?

Parents are Warned

Rabbinic literature is fully aware of the potential for abuse of parental power, and there are many passages in which parents are warned of the ill effects of physical and emotional abuse. We read in the (Gittin 6b): “Rabbi Hisda said:  A man should never impose excessive fear upon his household, or else he may be the cause of great tragedy. […]  Rabbi Judah said in the name of Rav: If a man imposes fear upon his household, he will eventually commit the three sins of illicit sexual relations, bloodshed, and the desecration of the Sabbath.” Meaning, his wife will not observe the laws of ritual purity because she is afraid to tell her husband she is not yet allowed to have relations with him, members of his family will meet with disastrous fates after running away from home, and the household will relight a lamp on the Sabbath for fear of his anger at being in the darkness.

In another instructive Talmudic tale (Mo’ed Katan 17a), a domestic servant of a prominent sage saw a man beating his grown-up son and, displaying the rabbinic wisdom she had picked up in the rabbi’s household, said: “Let that man be put under a ban, for he transgressed the admonition of the Torah: Before the blind you shall not place a stumbling block (Leviticus 19:14).”  Her concern was that by striking his son he was, even if inadvertently, goading the son into striking his father, an offense with dire consequences in biblical law.

A more shocking report of child abuse in Talmudic literature is the story told in Tractate Semahot, chapter 2, about a child from B’nai Brak who was so afraid of the excessive punishment usually meted out by his father that he committed suicide.

Clearly, the Rabbis who shaped classical Judaism offered no sanction to child abuse, and rabbis of all denominations have spoken out in recent years in opposition to the abuse of children by parents or teachers. But did the Rabbis see such behavior as sufficient to release the child from responsibilities toward the parent?

Problematic Models

While Talmudic law does not directly address the question of respecting an abusive parent, it does provide a window into Rabbinic thinking through anecdotes that consistently portray an adult child showing respect for an abusive parent.

Stories about the filial piety of a non-Jew, Dama son of Netina, are offered by the Talmudic sages (Kiddushin 31a) as a model in response to the question “How far does the honor of parents extend?” In one of the anecdotes, “Dama was wearing a gold embroidered silken cloth and sitting among the Roman nobles, when his mother came, tore it off from him, struck him on the head, and spat in his face, yet he did not shame her.”

Another story told in the same discussion shows us Rabbi Tarfon crouching down for his mother to use his back as a stepstool to get in and out of her bed. When he told others about this, they were unimpressed and asked him, “Has she thrown a purse before you into the sea without your shaming her?” That, they were telling him, is the standard to which one must aspire.

Honor the Person or Honor the Role?

Now that we see how aware the sages of the Talmud were of the issues, we are forced to ask: did they indeed expect us to follow the example of Dama ben Netina and the others, who seem to have swallowed more than just their pride as they continued to offer obedience and respect to parents who mistreated them?

Two answers may be given. First, it is possible that we are to understand the parents in those tales as mentally unstable. Deranged parents, like any mentally ill person, cannot be held accountable for their actions, and as such they still deserve care and tolerance. The pain they inflict must be seen as unintentional.

Another, not unrelated understanding of those tales is this: one honors one’s parent for being a parent, and not for how well or how poorly that parent has lived up to the demands of their role. If the child of an abusive parent lives up to Jewish society’s expectations of proper filial respect despite the emotional difficulty involved, he or she makes a powerful statement about the role of parenthood, one made all the more salient by the knowledge of friends and relatives that the relationship was a strained or even severed one. Whether by refraining from a public response of anger or by taking a positive step, including observing mourning practices and reciting kaddish after a parent has died, an individual who incurred emotional or physical harm at the hand of a parent can still affirm the importance of parenthood itself, even while rejecting his or her particular parent as a model for how that role should be fulfilled.

Two Kinds of Evil

In his book God, Love, Sex and Family, Rabbi Michael Gold looks at how post-Talmudic authorities deal with this difficult question. Gold cites a passage from the about the problem of property stolen by a parent and passed on a child through inheritance: must it be returned by the heir to its owner? That depends on the parent–if he repented of his crime, the children must try to return the property as an act of respect to the parent. “The clear implication, writes Gold, “is that if the father did not repent but remained a wicked man, the children do not need to honor him.”

In practice, most post-Talmudic authorities have tended to agree with this implied conclusion, but not the medieval commentator, philosopher, and codifier Maimonides. In Maimonides’ view, even the unrepentant parent is still due honor and reverence. Yehiel Michal Halevi Epstein, 19th-century author of the Aruch HaShulhan, offers an insight into Maimonides’ difficult opinion. He suggests that Maimonides called for honoring a parent who has lost control of his appetite, but not for one whose actions are intentionally harmful. The latter is an evil person, not worthy of being shown respect by his children.

In such a case, a son or daughter may and should refrain from honoring a parent if doing so will destroy his or her own self, writes Gold. Professional therapy is advised, and it may be necessary to separate from the parent for some time, perhaps even a number of years. Ultimately, one may reach an accommodation with a parent who was abusive or perhaps even forgive the parent — but it should not be at the cost of ruined self-esteem.

When discussing this sensitive and often painful topic, we need to bear in mind that every situation is different. There are many kinds and levels of abuse, and different people can cope with and tolerate different situations and relationships. 

In any case of actual abuse, no conclusions should be drawn from this article without consulting a rabbi and a mental health professional, who can give advice that is right for you. Also note that in a case of criminal activity, or when a person is actively harming another, law enforcement and other appropriate authorities may need to be notified.

Bearing in mind that this topic may trigger some, we will try to give some perspective and general halachic guidelines, steering clear of specific instances of abuse, which must be determined on a case-by-case basis. 

General Note to Parents

The Torah’s directive for children to honor parents does not provide the parent with a license to do as he or she pleases. It goes without saying that abusing children (including your own), be it mentally, physically, verbally or emotionally, is prohibited. Furthermore, a parent must endeavor not to put their children in a situation that would cause them to show their parents disrespect. To quote Maimonides:

Even though [children] are commanded [to be exceedingly devoted and dutiful to their parents], parents should not place too burdensome a yoke upon them or be too exacting with them in matters pertaining to their honor for fear that they may cause them to sin [by dishonoring them]. They should forgive their children and close their eyes, for parents have the discretion to forgo the honor due to them. Parents who strike their grown child are excommunicated because they violate the biblical prohibition, “You shall not place a stumbling block before the blind.”1^,2

On this same note, Torah and mitzvotmay never be “weaponized,” to be used as a tool to manipulate or control, and to make unfair or hurtful demands of children under the guise of legitimate respect is counter to Torah. Our focus here, however, is on the obligations of the children.

Undeserving Parents

One of the main reasons for this mitzvah is to appreciate the fact that our parents are the source of our very existence in this world. So although honoring one’s father and mother is essentially an obligation between people, it is also a mitzvah between man and G‑d, since “there are three partners in [the creation of] a person: G‑d, the father and the mother.3” By doing this mitzvah a person will come to the realizationthat if he needs to respect his father and mother, who created his physical body, how much more so should he honor his Father in Heaven, who granted him with the superior component, his eternal soul!4

Thus, this mitzvah is not necessarily dependent on how well the parents treated the child, and at times would apply even if the parents did not raise the child.5

Going to Extremes

The Torah recognizes that fulfilling the mitzvah of honoring one's parents, which is one of the Ten Commandments, is one of the more difficult mitzvahs, even under normal circumstances. Commentators explain that it is for this very reason that it is one of only two mitzvahs6 for which the Torah assures us long life as a reward.7

There are a number of anecdotes in the Talmud to illustrate how far one needs to go in honoring and respecting one’s parents:

The sages asked Rabbi Eliezer: To what extent must one exert himself to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother? Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Go and see what a certain gentile did for his father in Ashkelon, and his name is Dama ben Netina. Once, the sages sought to purchase precious stones from him for the ephod [breastplate] of the High Priest for 600,000 gold dinars profit, but the keys to the chest holding the jewels were placed under his father’s head, and he would not disturb him. The next year the Holy One, Blessed be He, gave Dama ben Netina his reward, as a red heifer was born in his herd, and the Jews needed it. When the sages of Israelcame to him, he said to them: “I know, concerning you, that if I were to ask for all the money in the world you would give it to me. But I ask only that money that I lost due to the honor of Father . . .”

Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak [sirkon] of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her.

The Talmud also relates this story of the great sage Rabbi Tarfon:

Rabbi Tarfon had a certain manner of treating his mother, that whenever she wished to ascend into her bed he would bend over and help her to ascend, and whenever she wished to descend from the bed, she would descend onto him. He came and praised himself in the study hall for performing the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother so thoroughly. They said to him: “You still have not reached even half of the honor due to her. Has it ever happened that she threw a purse into the sea in front of you, and you did not embarrass her?”

. . [Rabbi Tarfon’s] mother once walked in her garden and her sandal split so that she would have to walk home barefoot. Thereupon Rabbi Tarfon kept stretching his hands under her feet and she walked over them all the way. One day he was ill and his colleagues came to visit him. His mother then said to them: "Pray for my son Rabbi Tarfon, for he honors me more than is my due." "What has he done to you?" they asked. She told them what happened. They replied: "If he had done to you thousands times more, he would not have done half of the honor enjoined in the Torah!"8

When It Is Painful to Be Together

On the other hand, we also find anecdotes that illustrate how, due to the circumstances, one can at times avoid having to honor one’s parents.

Rav Asi had an elderly mother. She said to him: “I want jewelry,” and he made jewelry for her. She said to him: “I want a man whom I can marry,” and he said to her: “I will seek one for you.” She said to him: “I want a husband who is as handsome as you.” At this point, he realized that she was senile, and that he would be unable to fulfill all her requests. Therefore, he left her and went to the Land of Israel . . .9

From this incident, Maimonides10derives that if it becomes too difficult to care for one's parents due to their mental state, a child may leave them (after first arranging for someone else to care for them in a fitting manner).

Similarly, Rabbi Yehudah Hachassid (1150–1217) writes that if there is a quarrel between parent and child that is causing a great deal of pain to either one of them, it is better that they separate, since they cannot stand being together.11

So where on the spectrum does your relationship with your parents fall? Is your situation like Rabbi Tarfon’s, or is it closer to Rav Asi’s? 

The Limits

It’s important to know some of the parameters of the obligation to honor one's parents, which may help prevent a tense situation from spiralling out of control.

In general, the mitzvah of honoring one's parents includes (but is not limited to) feeding, dressing, and helping them walk.12 And the companion mitzvah of revering one's parents includes not sitting or standing in their designated place and not contradicting their words in a disrespectful manner.13

It goes without saying that in a situation where there is even a possibility of real danger due to abuse, we follow the rule that chayecha kodmin, your first obligation is to your own life.14Additionally, one isn’t obligated to honor his parents if doing so would result in one’s suffering physical or emotional damage.15

But what about other situations? 

Here are just a few pertinent guidelines to help give perspective:

May parents order their child around? The mitzvah to honor one's parents is limited to things that directly service or benefit the parents themselves like feeding, dressing, and helping them walk.16 So if Mom wants pizza, you should make some or buy it for her, but if she orders you to make dinner for her mahjong friends, you can demur. 

Must one obey a parent who orders the child to transgress Torah? The mitzvahs of the Torah come from G‑d, whom our parents are obligated to obey just as we are. Thus, if one's parents ask him to do something that violates a commandment (even if it is only rabbinically forbidden), the obligation to honor the parent is superseded and the child should not comply.17

Must honor extend to losing money?In general, as long as the parents can afford it, the cost of honoring one’s parents, which includes feeding, clothing and caring for them, are covered by and can be taken from the parents’ resources. However, if the parents can’t afford to cover their living expenses but their child can afford it, the child is obligated to support his parents.18 Similarly, when necessary, the child is obligated to lose work time to actively care for his parents, even if the parents can afford to pay for a caregiver.19

When parents pit their children against the other parent. If there is strife between the parents, and the father (for example) tells the child not to listen to the mother in order to belittle her or cause her pain, the son should not listen to the father since the father does not have a right to pain the mother (or anyone else for that matter) and doing so is a violation of the Torah.20

Perpetuating strife. If a parent tells the child not to talk to or forgive someone, but the child wishes to make peace, he shouldn’t listen to the parent, since hating your fellowman is a violation of a commandment.21

What if a controlling parent objects to a child’s choice of life-partner? As long as the potential spouse is upstanding and befitting the child (with no other halachic issues), the child need not listen to the parents if they protest the match.22

These are just some of the general guidelines for this mitzvah. As we mentioned above, this is a very sensitive topic and every situation is different, both in terms of the form of abuse, whether it is ongoing, as well as what stage the child is at and what he can tolerate. One would need to discuss his specific situation with a competent rabbi and, if necessary, a mental health professional, who may tell them that they need to step away from a toxic relationship.

At the same time, it should be kept in mind that honoring one's parents is one of the greatest mitzvahs. Our sages tell us that one who performs this (at times) difficult mitzvah properly merits long life, is rewarded both in this world and the next, and hastens the coming of the Moshiach and the ultimate Redemption.23

How then does a Christian child of an abusive parent truly practice the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exod. 20:12)? How do we obey parents who persecute our faith in Christ and call us to sin against God? How can a son honor a verbally abusive, alcoholic mother? Can a daughter honor a father who bullied her in anger or molested her sexually? These are the hard questions of real-life situations.

A Command without Options. This command from God “to honor” is repeated, verbatim, at least ten times, in both Old and New Testaments, and is alluded to another dozen times in Scriptural texts. In not one case is the command modified by an “exception clause.” God expects us to honor our parents as an aspect of submitting to His authority. Romans 13 informs us that “there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God” (Rom. 13:1–2). According to Scripture, these God-ordained authorities include faulty parents (Luke 2:51), unjust governments (Rom. 13:1–2), abusive masters and slave–owners (Eph. 6:5–9; Titus 2:9–10; Col. 3:22–4:1), and even Roman emperors such as Nero (1 Pet. 2:17; Titus 3:1–2). No exceptions.

Americans always have been a people who resisted and even rebelled against legitimate authority. It is in our social DNA. Thus we believe that authority must “earn our respect” or “work to earn our trust.” Not so! Legitimate authority — parents, pastors, policemen, magistrates, school teachers, and supervisors at work — have a God-given right to be honored for the position of authority they hold in God’s sovereign providence. As the Army believes and lives: “We honor the uniform and rank, if not the man who wears them.” Anarchy, believe it or not, is a far greater evil than abusive authority.

Parents are to be honored, appreciated, and treated with humble respect because (1) they gave us life and brought us into this world — even if later to abuse us, (2) they cared for and provided for us — even if poorly so, and (3) God sovereignly gave them to us as our mothers and fathers — even if that seems to us a major mistake.

The Problem of Pain. Nevertheless, millions of children — small or mature — face the daily ache, the continuing shame, and the lasting wounds (physical or emotional) left by parents who harmed them rather than loved them. How do these bruised souls ever come to the point where they can honor their abusive parent(s)? I would suggest five biblical practices that can lead to a more tolerable relationship with bad parents.

Seek to Understand. First, remember that people sin for a reason, even if for bad reasons. There was a cause or source that produced an abusive parent’s destructive patterns of behavior. While it may not excuse abusive behavior, understanding your parents’ background will at least aid in understanding their sinful actions. In most cases, abusive parents did not intend to hurt their children, but their inner pain and unresolved struggles spilled over into their little ones’ lives. A reading of Scripture reveals that God always knows why we sin, and He factors that knowledge into His responses to our wrongdoing (e.g., Rom. 1:18–32). We should all try to understand the hearts of our parents more than we do. This is a good beginning point.

Learn to Forgive. Second, we must learn to forgive our hurtful parents, even if they are unrepentant or never ask for forgiveness. The power of forgiveness — of giving wrongdoing over to God for final settlement — is the liberating force of grace in our lives. Jesus clearly states that our forgiveness of others is crucial to God’s forgiveness of us (Matt. 6:12 and 18:35). This is not an easy undertaking. Peter asked Jesus how many times we had to forgive someone for harming us. Jesus responded by saying, in essence, “You keep granting him forgiveness until, in your heart, you feel he is truly forgiven.” (See Matthew 18:21–35.) Forgiveness is a learned grace acquired by practice.

Apply Grace. Third, apply grace to the pain of the past, as well as to the struggles of the present. As a believer in Christ, you have ceased being a victim and have become a “conqueror”: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation [including abusive parents], will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 8:37–39). Try to see the gospel work of Jesus Christ in your suffering. Every time your father cursed you, he was really cursing Christ. Each violent blow from your mother — verbal or physical — fell on Jesus. “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;…and with his wounds we are healed” (Isa. 53:4–5).

In some inexplicable, mysterious but real way, the abuse we received as children has become redemptive both for us and perhaps even for our parents. We must believe this: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28). And that purpose is our forgiveness, and our ability to forgive, which ushers us into a life with God, unlike any love we’ve ever dreamed of or hoped to find.

Learn from Your Past. Fourth, seek to discover the lessons of life hidden within your broken relationship with your parents. Failure is the forgotten teacher. Our parents’ failures as honorable mothers or fathers, and our failures as respectful children, can be used by the Holy Spirit to enable us to break that pattern of evil that may have held our family captive for generations. “Learn to do good,” Isaiah 1:17 urges us. The Spirit within can turn the history of sorrows into a heritage of joy.

Move Beyond the Bitterness. Fifth, we must focus our lives on what is to come in the future and not on what has happened in the past. Paul exhorts, “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the

prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13–14). If we expend our souls’ energy on memories of past injustice, we run the risk of spiritual bitterness. Scripture warns us: “Strive for peace with everyone, and for holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (Heb. 12:14–15). If we “fall short of the grace of God” (NASB), then a root of bitterness takes hold in our souls and “defiles” the lives of “many” children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren — to the third and fourth generation!

I admit, these things are not easy to do. In fact, the adult child who first decides to break the power of sin, through grace and forgiveness, does the “heavy lifting.” But a “thousand generations” who follow him will rise up and call him blessed.

Difficult Decisions. There will be tough decisions in this process of restoration. First, we may decide to talk humbly and honestly to our senior parent about his or her past (or continuing) actions. Even if they refuse to meet or deny any wrongdoing, at least we have done all we could to bring resolution to a terrible family dynamic.

Second, there may be times when we must decide to disobey our parents, even as small children. The apostles set forth our pattern of submission to authority: “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). But even when we refuse to sin, deny Christ, or violate the Scriptures, we must do so respectfully. Authority can be honored even when it is not obeyed.

Finally, we will more than likely have to decide not to seek revenge of some kind on our abusive parents — through denying them contact with grandchildren, moving away and never contacting them, ruining their reputations by telling family secrets, or holding back acts of respect and expressions of gratitude. Few people are so evil that they should be denied both the kindness and honor due to every person as the image of God. James is right: “Mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13). God will judge our failed parents; what they need from us is mercy.

In the end, what abusive parents need most is redemption in Christ. Those children who have been their victims are uniquely qualified and divinely positioned to lead their parents to repentance, faith, and new life. No one could show them the mercy of God in Christ like the children they abused but who now care for their souls. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

Parents have a very specific role. ( 1 Timothy 3:4 3:12) husbands are to rule “their household”=house of God with proper care, guidance, and spiritual authority. You are to never abuse your authority lest Satan has hardened your hearts. Timothy says children in “subjection” -ὑποταγή— hupotagē - which means obedience. Proper household, the dad is submissive to Jesus and is head of household, and head of his wife. The wife is submissive to Christ first, then submissive to husband, and parents in his lead. This husband leads by the Bible, the word of God. Teach them to pray, as Jesus taught the disciples; do not follow the ways of the heathen (Jer 10:3) but follow JESUS CHRIST of NAZERETH! The truth! You don’t want to lead your family in a lie. The wife is over the children and the “help” and manager of the household. Ephesians 6:1 children are to obey parents in the LORD- everyone must be under full submission of Jesus Christ- otherwise you are all being led by the devil don’t fool yourself now! Marriage is honorable above all, and it’s purpose is to show the glory of God, as a husband laying His life down for His wife as Christ did for the church. You are to raise your children up in the LORD and in sound doctrine as children are a heritage from the LORD, so raise them right (Ps. 127:3; Ps. 132:12; Pr. 4:1; 5:7; 7:24; 8:32; 13:22; 17:6; 31:28; Isaiah 54:13; Jer. 3:14; 3:22; Matthew 13:38***the tares are of the wicked one so without God you follow Satan**; 19:14; mark 10:14; 10:29; Luke 6:35; 20:36; John 12:36; acts 2:39; 3:25; 10:36; 13:26; 13:33; 21:21)

Ephesians 6:4 & Colossians 3:24 needs to be talked about all by itself- dads you are not to provoke your children to wrath or anger or discouragement, lest they fall away from the faith. Always build them up in the LORD, on the word of God. Encourage them. Plant seeds of peace and love and joy- they are your mini disciples! 

Some parents are mean, judgmental, or controlling for reasons we do not understand. There are other more obvious reasons why parents do what they do, such as substance abuse or mental health issues.

They may have emotional problems like anger that taint their judgment and make them lose self-control. They may be clingy, overprotective, and constantly interfering in their adult children’s lives. Others may use the “honor” command to control and guilt their adult kids into doing things their kids do not want to do.

Forgive Your Parents

Forgiveness may seem like a given. All Christians are supposed to forgive others, right? Unfortunately, forgiving is not an easy process and can take time. A painful childhood is not going to heal overnight. It is incredibly difficult to admit that the parents who were supposed to love, nurture, and protect us were unloving, mean, neglectful, drunk, high on drugs, abusive, or cruel, let alone forgive them.

Jesus did not call us to accept all people  we must love all people huge difference… (John 1), Paul teaches us if a man be an heretic, give two warnings then after that have nothing to do with (Titus 3:10). What about drunkards? We must use very righteous judgment observing things of others’ lives - in much meekness. What about those who are angry? (Pr. 14:17; 21:19; 22:24; 29:22; Titus 1:7) Hard hearted? (Ps. 95:8; Hebrews 3:8; 3:15; 4:7) Bridle not their tongue? (Ps. 32:9; 39:1; James 3:2; Ps. 10:7; 15:3; 34:13; 37:30; 57:4; 73:9; 109:2; 119:172; 120:2; Pr. 6:24; 12:18; 15:4; 18:21***, 21:23; 31:26; James 1:26; 3:5-8; 1 Peter 3:10. 

To not teach your children in the way of the LORD is to reject His word and your responsibility and is sure fire way to end up in hell. I understand it may “sound” difficult, but it is literally your job! It’s not your pastors job to just indoctrinate them- it’s your job to help teach them the correct, narrow path; and must be versed in it yourself in order to lead someone else, let alone a child!