How godly leaders resolve conflict-

 

Living in Light of the End

Revelation is a letter of preparation. God wants his people to be aware of what is to come so they can live in faithful obedience (Rev. 1:1–3). In chapters 2–3, Jesus offers encouragement to the seven churches, and he addresses their sin and failure. He wants them to repent so they’ll be positioned and equipped to endure the trials of persecution. When Jesus mentions “the one who conquers” (Rev. 2:7,11,17,26), he gives the churches a glimpse of the reward that awaits their faithfulness—a vision of the glories of heaven. The churches needed this glimpse to encourage them in their fight of faith.

Later, in the vision of Revelation 7:9–17, we see a great multitude worshiping in unity around the throne. Robert Mounce comments, “The second vision is anticipatory of the eternal blessedness of all believers when in the presence of God they realize the rewards of faithful endurance.”

Like those who first read Revelation, we need these anticipatory visions of blessing to capture our hearts and minds and lead us into faithful unity. In fact, I believe there’s a connection between eschatology and conflict resolution. Have you considered that possibility?

What allows this diverse group, too numerous to count, to coexist in perfect peace? What can the unity we see around the throne teach us about conflict resolution? What can the end of days teach us about the end of interpersonal conflict?

1. In the end, Jesus is the center of attention.

Do you focus on Jesus in the midst of conflicts, or are you focused on yourself? 

Listening is one of the hardest things to do in a conflict. It’s an unbelievably selfless exercise. Good listening is not simply a product of acknowledging what someone is saying or of not interrupting. It starts with wanting to know and understand the other person. If you’re simply waiting your turn to say what you want to say, then you’re listening for you, not for the person who’s speaking to you.

Look to the multitude around the throne. They aren’t focused on themselves. They’re focused on their King. Making your voice, thoughts, and ideas the priority in your fights won’t bring them to a speedy conclusion. More times than not, it will lead to further hardship and heartache. So, repent of your desire to make yourself the center of attention in your conflicts. Ask Jesus for the desire to please him, love him, and make him the center.

2. In the end, Jesus is the one we serve.

Do you serve Jesus in your conflicts, or do you serve yourself?

One reason parenting is so hard is that it’s a constant exercise in service. Young children are completely dependent. While circumstances can make parenting easier or more difficult, the truth remains that it’s hard to serve because we have a self-serving and self-seeking nature. Our sin nature also makes conflict difficult to navigate. It’s easy to go into self-preservation mode when attacked. Sometimes we’re defensive. Other times we justify ourselves, retreat, or go on the attack. In all these ways, we’re serving our own interests.

What can the unity we see around the throne teach us about our pursuit of relational peace?

But look at the multitude around the throne. They aren’t serving themselves. Their focus is on serving God. When faced with conflict, ask Jesus for the desire and ability to serve others instead of yourself. Ask him to show you how you can listen, seek to understand, and respond in ways that show your love and concern. As you serve others, trust in God’s gracious provision. He promises to protect you with his forever presence.

3. In the end, Jesus satisfies our every need.

Are you satisfied in Jesus during conflicts, or do you satisfy yourself? 

Withholding affection and lashing out can be sinfully satisfying. It can feel good to vent your anger, give a cold shoulder, or withdraw from someone who hurts you. Do you ever hunger for vengeance? Do you thirst for retribution? Do you find satisfaction in hurting those who hurt you?

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied” (Matt. 5:6). The multitude around the throne find their satisfaction in the presence of the Lamb. They drink from springs of living water. In your conflicts, seek the satisfaction that comes only from Christ. Ask him to satisfy you with his righteousness. The end shows us that we won’t be left in want.

Let eternity be your guide in conflict resolution. How big will our fights seem on that day? How important will our unmet desires be when we stand before the Great Shepherd of our souls? Ask yourself: What right do I have to make an enemy out of someone whom God has called my brother or sister?

Revelation reminds us that we shouldn’t settle for festering feuds and relational discord. Jesus didn’t shed his blood so that we would hold grudges. Pursue the relational reality that Jesus bled for. Let a right view of eternity encourage and empower you to resolve your conflicts quickly for the fame and glory of the One who rightly deserves it.

First, if an offense is minor, the Bible encourages God's followers to overlook the offense. Proverbs 19:11 says, "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense." Overlooking an offense simply means to forgive the person and keep the relationship intact without ever mentioning the incident. Extending forgiveness in this way reflects the understanding that the offender is a fellow member of the fallen human race and that God can be trusted to sanctify that person just as He sanctifies all those who belong to Him. First Peter 4:8 conveys a similar concept. 

However, if the offense is more serious or occurs consistently, the Bible gives instructions on how to confront the offender with the goal of restoring the relationship. In fact, restoring a broken relationship is so important that God commands His followers to take the initiative to reconcile not only when they have been offended, but also when they are (or have been) the offender: "So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23–24). 

Matthew 18:15–17 gives a pattern in how the steps of reconciliation should progress. Matthew 18:15 says, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone…" Resolving conflict should first be done privately. An offense may not even be a matter of sin, but may end up having been a simple misunderstanding. Coming to the person privately allows the misunderstanding to be cleared up quickly. If it is indeed a matter of sin, the personal, private meeting keeps the offender from undue shame or embarrassment and allows him to deal with the matter between himself and God. As Matthew 18:15 continues "…If he listens to you, you have gained your brother." The goal of private confrontation is always to restore the relationship. 

Matthew 18:16 continues, "But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses." If the private meeting does not resolve the conflict, the next step is to involve a small number of people to help bring reconciliation. Sometimes a mutual friend can help resolve the matter. A professional counselor or therapist can mediate the confrontation in a way that ensures clear communication and healthy interactions. Some disagreeing parties progress to a legal arbitration where they both agree to allow a judge or lawyer to render a binding decision that will settle the matter. In each of these cases, the conflict is brought before a limited number of people in order to bring resolution. 

However, Matthew 18:17 continues that, "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." In other words, when private meetings and involving a small number of people for outside help don't bring resolution to the conflict, it can be brought before the church leaders to hold the person accountable to Scripture. If the person does not agree with the church leaders' assessment, he should then be subject to church discipline. Paul makes clear that even church discipline is meant to bring the offender back into right relationship with God and others. In 1 Corinthians 5:5 he states that excommunication is "so that his [the offender's] spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord." Even this final step in biblical conflict resolution is in hopes of restoring the relationship with the offender. 

While Matthew 18:15–17 lays a foundation for the process of resolving conflict, Jesus warns that before even beginning that process His followers should take time to self-reflect. He says, "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5). We should humbly assess our own contribution to the conflict and correct our own behavior and attitude before trying to point out someone else's shortcomings. In Philippians 2:3 Paul reminds us to, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Even in resolving conflict, our goal should be to serve the other person by lovingly restoring the relationship.  

Once our attitude is one of humility and service, we have to prepare the actual words and delivery of the confrontation. Here again the Bible has instructions. Ephesians 4:15 says, "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ." Christian maturity is marked by the ability to share difficult truths in a loving way. Peacemaker Ministries says, "Peacemakers are people who breathe grace. Inspired by the gospel, they draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ, and then breathe out His love, mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to dissipate anger, improve understanding, promote justice, and model repentance and reconciliation." Our efforts to resolve conflict should be marked by lovingly sharing the truth in order to restore the relationship. 

Despite doing self-reflection, bearing a humble attitude, and lovingly sharing the truth first in private and then including more people according to the biblical process, sometimes the offender refuses to be reconciled. Romans 12:18 instructs that, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." This verse shows that reconciliation does not depend solely on one party. God only holds us accountable for doing what He has called us to do, which may not always result in reconciliation. However, no matter the final result of conflict resolution, God does command His followers to forgive. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32). Ultimately conflict resolution gives us the opportunity to display the gospel to others and experience God's grace in our own lives. 

this case, no doubt, Nehemiah’s anger was spurred on by the knowledge of God’s Word and the nobles disregard for it. Our anger should be something that is motivated and confirmed through Scripture as well.

2. Righteous anger should be motivated by injustice towards God or others.

This is clearly seen in Jesus’ example. When it caused offense towards God or others, he became like a lion (John 2:14-16). In the temple, he made a whip and turned over tables. He demonstrated a righteous anger. We should do the same. However, when considering personal offense, righteous anger should respond differently.

3. Righteous anger should be gentle in response to personal offense.

Consider what Jesus taught in regards to personal offense:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.
Matthew 5:38-40

Most anger that men struggle with is selfish anger instead of righteous anger. It is not anger about offense towards God or others; it is anger because our pride has been hurt or we have been treated unjustly. It says, “I deserve better than this.” Listen to what Peter said about Christ in describing his example for us as we go through suffering:

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To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” 
1 Peter 2:22-23

Application Question: How do we develop a righteous anger towards sin against God and others? How do we start to practice gentleness when personally offended?

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Be Patient and Self-controlled

When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry. I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials. 
Nehemiah 5:6-7

One of the reasons that conflicts often do not get resolved in an amicable way is because people react too quickly. We see in this passage that Nehemiah took time to think about the situation. He pondered it in his mind. I have no doubt that he was testing whether his anger was right before God and what would be the best course of action.

Most people’s anger and response is not this calculated. Instead of being patient and self-controlled, we tend to automatically respond with a harsh word or a witty comment. There is wisdom in being patient; there is wisdom in waiting. Sometimes, it may even be wise to wait because the situation might work itself out.

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Listen to what Scripture says: “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).

A wise person controls his anger and waits, and certainly, we see this with Nehemiah. What else do we see in Scripture?

Proverbs 17:27 says, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”

A wise person controls his tongue; he is always restraining it. Also, consider Proverbs 25:15 says, “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”

As mentioned previously in our study of chapter 2, sometimes we need patience in changing the hearts of others, especially leaders. Nehemiah demonstrates all these things. He is patient, self-controlled, and calculated in his response to injustice.

How do you respond when there is conflict? Are you quick to speak and quick to vent your anger? Are you impatient with God and others? Scripture says this is not wise. We must be patient and self-controlled

Application Question: Why is waiting and being patient before responding to a conflict important? Share a time when you practiced this while in a conflict or helping somebody in one.

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Get Counsel

When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry. I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials.
Nehemiah 5:6-7

I believe there is another principle we can take from this passage. The NIV says he “pondered them” in his mind, but it can also be translated another way. The KJV says, “Then I consulted with myself,” and the ESV translates it, “I took counsel with myself.”

Not only was Nehemiah patient and self-controlled, but he also got counsel. He talked to himself and got counsel. Do you ever talk to yourself?

I think there is biblical wisdom in this practice. Nehemiah talked to himself and discerned how to respond. He probably thought about the Mosaic laws that the nobles were breaking and some of the Proverbs that Solomon wrote about on how to handle anger so that he could respond wisely. He considered the wisest course of action.

Certainly, we should do the same. We should not only be patient, but also we should get counsel. Now obviously, Nehemiah felt confirmation about how to respond to this situation because he didn’t seek anybody else’s opinion. However, I think that many times it will be wise to get counsel from others.

Listen to what Solomon says:

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14 KJV

For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure.
Proverbs 11:14 NIV

Where there is no counsel people fall, people have more problems, more difficulties and this is certainly true with conflict resolution. People who don’t get counsel often make their situation worse.

There is safety and victory in the multitude of counselors. This is a general principle; people make a lot of wrong decisions in life for a lack of good counsel.

Who do you have in your life to get wise counsel from? Do you have a mentor or mentors? Scripture says there is safety in the multitude of them.

Application Question: Who are your wise counselors that you communicate with, especially in a potential conflict? How have they helped guide you in the past?

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Practice a Biblical Method of Confrontation

I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials. I told them, “You are exacting usury from your own countrymen!” So I called together a large meeting to deal with them and said: “As far as possible, we have bought back our Jewish brothers who were sold to the Gentiles. Now you are selling your brothers, only for them to be sold back to us!” They kept quiet, because they could find nothing to say. So I continued, “What you are doing is not right. Shouldn’t you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies?
Nehemiah 5:7-9

Observation Question: What was Nehemiah’s process of confronting the nobles, as seen in Nehemiah 5:7-9?

Another way, we resolve conflict is by using a biblical method of confrontation. We see this clearly taught in Matthew 18:15-17. Even though this revelation had not yet been clearly spelled out in Scripture, Nehemiah followed these directives. Let’s see what Christ taught about confrontation:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 
Matthew 18:15-17

Here, Jesus said that we should approach people one on one. This is very important because this is where conflict often gets worse. Instead of speaking to the person in sin, people commonly tell everybody else about the sin without bringing it first before him or her. Then, we should take one or two others. If they still will not respond, we should bring it to the church. If they still won’t respond, they should be disciplined by the church.

Observation Question: How does Nehemiah demonstrate these steps of biblical confrontation?

1. First, Nehemiah challenged the leaders privately.

Application Question: Why is first approaching the person(s) privately important?

• It is important because there could be a misunderstanding. 
• It is important because sometimes the people are struggling with sin and really want help. 
• It is important because if they hear about the rumors or the fact that you were talking behind their back, you could possibly lose a friend and an opportunity for ministry. Scripture says a “whisperer separates friends” (Prov 16:28).

2. Second, Nehemiah challenged the leaders publicly.

It is clear that the leaders did not respond to Nehemiah when he challenged them privately so he challenged them publicly. This is where one might say Nehemiah departed from the pattern given by Christ. Instead of bringing one or two people, he immediately calls an assembly. Christ taught that it should be taken to the assembly after bringing one or two people for a second confrontation. Matthew 18:16 says this: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’”

However, the principles applied by Nehemiah are still practically the same. Jesus taught that the second confrontation was to confirm the sin—essentially to gain more evidence that the sin was happening. Two or three witnesses was the minimum amount of witnesses needed to convict anyone of a crime according to Deuteronomy 19:15. It said, “One witness is not enough to convict a man accused of any crime or offense he may have committed. A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

But, in Nehemiah’s situation the leaders’ sin was public; everybody knew about it, and therefore, it did not need to be established by the testimony of two or three. Thus, Nehemiah was still following the heart of Christ’s teaching. After confronting them one on one, he publicly challenged them to repent.

This is something that we rarely see happen in our churches. Someone is living in sin, getting drunk on the weekends and then leading worship on Sunday. However, nobody wants to rock the boat so they say nothing. But Paul said, “a little leaven leavens the whole lump” (1 Cor 5:6). Sin spreads rapidly, and that’s why it must be confronted.

We must confront in love with wisdom and discernment, and if they don’t respond, then it should be done again with one or two more witnesses to confirm. And if they still don’t respond, then it becomes a matter for the church. If they still don’t respond after it has been confronted publicly, they should be shunned and removed from the congregation until they repent. This public confrontation will help others to fear God and turn from their sin. Paul said something similar to Timothy about rebuking an elder in sin, “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning” (1 Tim 5:19-20).

Again, it is implied that this elder had not repented, and therefore, it would need to become public. The public rebuke is so that they will feel ashamed and be led to repentance, but it’s also meant to warn the church. This is something that needs to be restored to the church so we can be holy and have the power and effectiveness God desires for us.

When we choose to not confront and rebuke, then not only are we hurting the person in sin, but we are hurting the church as well. Sin will start to spread in the church and slowly destroy it (cf. Gal 5:9).

Now, this particularly applies to the church and its members; however, the principles can be applied at a school, a work place, or simply with friends and family. Meet with the person privately, then with one or two others for further accountability, and then it may be wise to bring the parties in conflict together or to bring it before the community. If they still don’t respond, there will be a need for separation or some type of discipline if possible (cf. 1 Cor 5:11-13). The purpose of this is to help the erring person become convicted of their sin, to protect them from further consequences of sin (cf. James 1:14-15, Heb 12:5-12), to turn them back to God, and it is also to protect the community.

Conflict in churches and communities often escalate because people don’t follow a biblical method of confrontation. Instead of meeting privately, rumors develop, creating anger and separating friends. Instead of confronting publicly those who are unrepentant, it is swept under the carpet and because of that, sin spreads.

Another example of church discipline is seen in Acts 5. In this chapter, God disciplined Ananias and Sapphira for their public sin. In the story, God killed them for lying in front of the whole church about selling their land and how they used the profit. What’s interesting is that after this account, we have two seemingly conflicting statements. Look at what the text says:

No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people. Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number.
Acts 5:13-14

No one wanted to join the church because of fear (v. 13). However, God kept saving and adding to their number (v. 14). This was church growth through church discipline. God adds people to a healthy church. Why add people to a church that is unhealthy? Why send people to a church where there is a cancer that is affecting everybody, and nobody is willing to cut it out?

God wants to send people to a healthy church. This is a wonderful truth that godly leaders must practice in order to protect and to restore their communities.

Application Question: In what ways have you seen disorder in a church, a community, or other relationships for lack of using a biblical method of confrontation? In what ways have you seen or experienced church discipline? If you have, what was the process and result?

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Encourage the Fear of the Lord

So I continued, “What you are doing is not right. Shouldn’t you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies? 
Nehemiah 5:9

One of the ways that Nehemiah challenged the nobles to repent was by the fear of the Lord. The nation of Israel had previously been punished and kicked out of the land of Israel. They had already become a laughing stock to the nations surrounding them in their humble return. These were all part of God’s discipline on the nation for their sin (cf. Deut 28:32, 37). Therefore, he warned them, “Don’t you fear God? Do you want God’s judgment to fall on us again?”

This also is a very effective tool for us to use in conflict resolution. In Matthew 18:23-35, Peter approached Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive someone. “Seven times?” he asked. Jesus replied, “No, seventy times seven” (KJV). Jesus then gives a story of a master who punished a servant for not forgiving another servant.

In the story, a master forgave his servant a great deal of money, but the servant imprisoned his own servant for a far less debt. When the master heard about this, he became angry and put this servant in prison and had him tortured. Look at what Christ says in Matthew 18:33-35:

Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

Christ told his own disciples that they would be turned over to the torturers if they didn’t forgive from the heart. Now, because we know these disciples were saved, we do not believe this discipline had anything to do with hell. Christ’s sacrifice paid the eternal penalty for our times of unrighteous conflict, just as it did our other sins. But, if we don’t forgive others, God will not forgive us (Matt 6:14). In fact, like Christ taught, he will often hand us over to torturers, in order to bring us to repentance.

These torturers seem to be the devil and his demons, sent to discipline a believer. We see Paul command the Corinthian church to hand an unrepentant man over to Satan (1 Cor 5:5). We also see God discipline King Saul through a tormenting demon (1 Sam 16:14). Christ motivated the disciples to forgive by the discipline of God, the fear of God. He promised to send them to the torturers if they would not repent.

Often in counseling others in conflict, I commonly challenge them, as Nehemiah and Christ did, with the “fear of God,” and specifically the promise of discipline in Matthew 18 for lack of forgiving from the heart. He disciplines everyone he loves (Heb 12:6), and therefore, we should have a healthy fear of God’s discipline, especially in the area of conflict. Proverbs 9:10 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”

Application Question: How do we develop a healthy fear of the Lord? Have you ever tried to motivate someone through fear of God’s discipline? If so, how did you do it, and how did the person respond?

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Consider Evangelism

So I continued, “What you are doing is not right. Shouldn’t you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies? 
Nehemiah 5:9

Interpretation Question: Why does Nehemiah mention avoiding “the reproach of our Gentile enemies”? In what way was this meant to motivate them towards repentance and reconciliation?

Now when Nehemiah motivated the nobles by fearing God, he also mentioned “the reproach of the Gentiles.” This could mean that God would use the Gentiles to discipline Israel as he did through Babylon, Assyria and many other nations. I’m sure it did mean that, but it was probably so much more. God had called Israel to be a light to the Gentiles. They were to be conduits of God’s grace, leading many to faith. However, when they were walking in sin and under God’s discipline, they forfeited their witness to the world.

It has often been said the “greatest cause of atheism is Christians.” A lifestyle that does not match up to Jesus will often push people away from God. In the same way, Nehemiah is probably motivating the nobles to reconcile and do right because of their witness to the nations around them.

Remember Christ’s prayer in John 17:20-23:

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

He said that the church needed to be unified to let the world know that God sent the Son. Unity affects evangelism! Therefore, when churches are splitting, when Christians are divorcing, fighting over doctrine, and separating, the world says, “No, I really have no reason to believe in Jesus or to want what you claim to have.”

Therefore, we should also encourage people to reconcile not only out of the fear of God, but also because of our witness to the world around us. It is sobering to consider that many times the greatest hindrance to world evangelism is probably church unity. And also, from a personal basis, somebody’s eternal salvation or condemnation could depend on my reconciliation of a relationship in conflict.

Have you ever considered that Christian unity is an important aspect of evangelism? The world is always watching believers and what they see may affect their lives eternally. Evangelism is a serious motivation for conflict resolution.

Application Question: In what ways have you seen Christian discord and division push people away from Christ?

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Set the Example

I and my brothers and my men are also lending the people money and grain. But let the exacting of usury stop! 
Nehemiah 5:10

Interpretation Question: Why does Nehemiah share that he and his brothers are also lending the people grain (Neh 5:10)?

While challenging the leaders of Israel about their taxation and slavery of the poor, he told them about how he and his men were also lending money and grain. Why did he share this?

I think he shared this in order to show them how bad their sin was. Nehemiah and his brothers were also lending money, but they were not trying to get rich by taxing and enslaving the disadvantaged Jews.

Another practical principle can be seen in this section about resolving conflict. If we are going to resolve conflict we must practice what we preach. It is hard for a person to challenge someone in sin while, at the same time, walking in blatant rebellion in his own life.

In fact, when we have sin in our life, we will be less prone to challenge people at all. As a result, “prophetic preaching” is largely absent in the house of God today. It is hard to speak the oracles of God (cf. 1 Peter 4:11) when our own conscience condemns us. Not only will it dull a preacher’s sword, but it will also remove the trust and respect of the people.

If we are going to be ones who “work hard to preserve the unity of the Spirit” (Eph 4:3), we cannot do it without a holy life. Listen to what Paul told Timothy: “Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers” (1 Tim 4:16).

Paul said that it is not just what you say (orthodoxy), but it’s also how you live (orthopraxy) that will save the hearers. If Nehemiah preached a good sermon but did not live it, he would have been ineffective.

Similarly, we must practice what we preach if we are going to resolve conflict. We cannot talk about others behind their backs and, yet, try to help them restore their relationships or get out of sin. In fact, we cannot have any willful sin in our lives, if we hope to be truly heard by others. We must have both a righteous life and right doctrine if we are going to save our hearers. Reconcilers must practice holiness.

Application Question: In what ways have you seen a compromised life take away from the effectiveness of a person’s words or doctrine?

To Resolve Conflict, Godly Leaders Must Encourage Proper Restitution

Give back to them immediately their fields, vineyards, olive groves and houses, and also the usury you are charging them—the hundredth part of the money, grain, new wine and oil. 
Nehemiah 5:11

Next, it is clear that when Nehemiah was helping bring reconciliation, he also established proper restitution. It would have been unjust for the nobles to only give back the land or let go of the slaves. They had to give everything back that was illegal including the “usury” (interest) that was against the Jewish law. They had to make full restitution.

In the Old Testament, God wrote many laws on restitution. Exodus 22:1 says, “If a man steals an ox or a sheep and slaughters it or sells it, he must pay back five head of cattle for the ox and four sheep for the sheep.”

If a person had stolen an ox, he was to give a restitution of five oxen; if he had stolen one sheep, he was to give a restitution of four sheep. In the OT law, restitution was anywhere from 100% up to 500%.

Why would a person sometimes have to give back more than 100% restitution?

It seems to be based on equity or what was fair. If a person’s ox was stolen, days of work and profit would be lost. If a person was cheated, not only would there be a loss of money but also pain and suffering. Often, we see this type of restitution in our penal system.

Sometimes when we are reconciling or helping others reconcile, restitution may be needed as well. We see this in the story of Zacchaeus in the New Testament. When he started following Christ, he decided to make restitution for every time he had cheated someone. Look at what he says:

But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham.
Luke 19:8-9

We see that Zacchaeus promised to restore up to four times what he had cheated people. Therefore, Jesus responded by saying that salvation had come to Zacchaeus’s house. His repentance was proof that he was born again.

In the same way, sometimes when we hurt somebody, simply saying “I’m sorry” will not be enough. It may be wise to make some sort of restitution, as the nobles in Israel were required to do. They restored everything that was unfair. This restitution would be proof that they were truly repentant and that they were sorry. When there is true repentance, there will always be the corresponding action which proves the repentance is genuine (cf. Matt 3:8).

We should keep this in mind as we minister to others in conflict. Sometimes in order to resolve conflict, we have to discern the proper restitution. In 1 Corinthians 6:1-5, the believers in the church were suing one another in courts before unbelievers. Paul said instead of suing one another, they should have set up wise men in the church to arbitrate between them. Listen to what he said:

Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers?
1 Corinthians 6:4-5

In cases like this, leaders may have to make wise decisions about restitution. Certainly, one would have to use principles from the Scripture, and they also may need to get wise counsel in order to make an equitable decision.

With that said, sometimes the loss is too great and cannot be fully restored, and when it is this way, surely God knows the hearts and gives his grace. Even in the event of this unfortunate situation, the wronged party must still practice forgiveness as Christ taught. They should remember that the Lord also forgave them a great debt that they could never provide a proper restitution for (cf. Matt 18:23-35).

Application Question: Have you ever seen, given, or received restitution from some injustice or conflict? Please share. What would be some good principles to use in discerning proper restitution?

To Resolve Conflicts, Godly Leaders Must Use Accountability

“We will give it back,” they said. “And we will not demand anything more from them. We will do as you say.” Then I summoned the priests and made the nobles and officials take an oath to do what they had promised.
Nehemiah 5:12

Interpretation Question: Why does Nehemiah summon the priests and make the nobles and officials take an oath?

After Nehemiah’s public challenge and call for restitution, the nobles agreed to make their wrongs right. However, in response, Nehemiah called the priest and made the nobles take an oath. Why did he do that?

It is clear that Nehemiah understood a very practical management principle, “People will do a hundred percent of what you check.” If a teacher never checks the students’ homework after telling them to do it, the chances are that most times it won’t get done.

Similarly, Nehemiah established an accountability system amongst the priests and ultimately before God as they took an oath. Setting up an accountability system when doing conflict resolution is one of the best ways to make sure things get truly resolved. This is especially important because conflict often has a strong emotional component. A person forgives, but later on, all the negative thoughts and emotions come back. As these thoughts and emotions come back, they need to forgive again in faith as an act of obedience to God. Often, accountability can help people work through this process.

How can we practice this?

We should seek godly accountability partners and invite them to speak into our lives or in the lives of those we are helping. Nehemiah didn’t invite just anybody for accountability; he invited the priests, the most holy people in the nation. In the same way, we must find people who have integrity and wisdom to counsel and help hold others accountable. We can invite these people to ask intimate questions, for example: “How has your relationship with your wife been?,” “How is your problem with your roommate going?,” and “Are you responding in a Christ-like manner to this conflict?”

In fact, this is a wise principle for battling all sins: lust, idolatry, anger, etc. We should invite trustworthy, wise people to check on us periodically, giving them freedom to ask us hard questions, and also to challenge us. This is a tremendous way to grow spiritually as well as to resolve conflict.

James 5:16 says this: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

James says that confession of sins and prayer is a powerful remedy in the life of a believer. God can bring healing to sickness, depression, or even strongholds. We must make great use of this in our battle against sin and also in the process of reconciliation.

Application Question: Have you ever seen accountability used in a conflict resolution situation? How did the accountability work? Who are your accountability partners, and how do they help you faithfully live for God and stay in right relationship with others?

Conclusion

How can godly leaders be more effective in resolving conflict in their own lives and with others?

1. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must not ignore problems.
2. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must develop a righteous anger.
3. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must be patient and self-controlled.
4. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must get counsel.
5. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must practice a biblical method of confrontation.
6. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must encourage the fear of the lord.
7. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must consider evangelism.
8. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must set the example.
9. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must seek proper restitution.
10. To resolve conflict, godly leaders must use accountability.