Husbands leading wives- I was so wrong! Lol!!

 That sense of responsibility will move him to take initiatives with his wife and children to see to it that the family is cared for. That is the main issue: a sense of responsibility that moves the man to take initiatives in the family so that God’s will is done as much as possible by every member of the family.

“All families are called to glorify God according to their gifts. What does that look like? That is the man’s responsibility.”

Here are some examples. Keep in mind that when I say that he feels a special responsibility for initiatives in the family, he is not ruling out the fact that his wife may have important initiatives to bring to the discussion — because of his blind spots and his fallibility and her wisdom and her perceptivity. 

The point is this: She ought not to have to feel that she is constantly doing the initiating, the prodding, to get this man to talk about things that need to be talked about, to plan things that need to be planned, to do things that need to be done. Here are some of the kinds of things where I think a husband should be taking active initiative.

Family Decisions

What is the overall moral vision of the family? He should be taking initiative, asking that question, and pursuing an answer with his wife at his side. What do we believe about God and the world and family and culture? 

All families stand for something. All families are known for something. All families are called to glorify God according to their gifts. What does that look like? That is the man’s responsibility. Pursue that. Figure that out. A man feels responsibility to take initiatives to form and carry out that moral vision of the family. 

Of course, he is doing it through constant interaction with his wife. She would not be thrilled to be left out of that formulation, but I think most Christian women are thrilled that the husband is taking the initiative and drawing her in to see to it that they have such a moral vision for the family. This would include initiatives like these:

• “Let’s clarify the expectations we have for our children and how they will be disciplined.”
• “Let’s clarify how my leadership as the father and your leadership as the mother will relate to the discipline.” 
• “Let’s clarify how the children are going to spend their leisure time.”

And so on. It includes things like taking initiative to decide on where the family goes to church and how they participate and whether they get there or not. It includes things like ministries: what the family is doing in ministry and how they are involved together in the neighborhood and missions. 

It includes things like taking initiatives with lifestyle issues for the family, asking questions like this: “What are we going to do with social media and television and entertainment and leisure and sports and vacations?”

Ask, Then Initiate

Every family has to make hundreds and hundreds of decisions about these things. One of the things that depresses a wife is when a lackadaisical husband never thinks about what needs to be done and has to be constantly prodded to figure things out. 

She wants, of course, to have input. She has probably got more insight on a lot of these things than he does. But she wants him to take initiative. He needs to say, “Let’s sit down. Let’s talk. Let’s pray.” She wants him to do that.

“The husband should feel a special responsibility to lead the family in a pattern of prayer and Bible reading and worship.”

It includes things like finances: how the family spends its money; what they are going to save for; what kind of insurance they are going to have; retirement plans and pensions; and the whole financial vision of the family, including how much they give to the church. The husband should feel a special responsibility to take initiatives to work it out, with his wife constantly being drawn into that initiative. 

She is going to have superior wisdom on many of these things, but she longs for a husband to take initiative to put processes in motion by which these things can be worked out, problems can be solved, and plans can be made.

Lead in Following Christ

Finally, perhaps most importantly, the husband should feel a special responsibility to lead the family in a pattern of prayer and Bible reading and worship. Here again, the issue is not competency. He may have an eighth-grade education, and his wife may have a college degree.

He can still take initiatives to see that the family is a prayer-saturated, Bible-saturated family, working it out with his wife so that she uses her gifts (which may exceed his own) in Bible reading and Bible explaining.

I hope those few examples give a taste of what it means for a husband and a wife to model Christ and the church for a world that badly needs to see it.

Role of the Husband in the Bible – Provider and Protector
The role of the husband in the Bible starts with leadership, but encompasses provision and protection. A husband will never influence his wife if he does not care for her. He can demand and she may follow as a result, but he will never truly have her heart unless he provides for her needs, cares for her well-being, and protects her both physically and spiritually. For as Scripture says:

"Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). 

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). 

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).

God loves His daughters and the children they bear. When He gives one of His daughters to a man, He desires that the man cares for her. In no place does Scripture teach or endorse that women and children be considered second rate or inferior to men. Instead, He finds them so precious that He asks for special care to be given them; a care that only biblically-based men can provide. Women are very capable of taking care of themselves. However, God did make men and women different and thus due to the physical nature and strength God gave men, He has charged them with the provision and protection of their families. 

The physical nature and strength of a man is to be managed with grace and gentleness. God did not create men to lord over women nor did he create women to simply wait on men. He made them both to complement each other through healthy companionship.

Role of the Husband in the Bible – Companion
The role of the husband in the Bible is fulfilled through the heart of companionship. Ephesians 5:25-33 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” 

The relationship between a husband and a wife is meant to be one of love, respect, and support. They are to help each other. This idea is introduced at the beginning of the Bible in the story of the creation of Eve. Adam needed a companion, a suitable helper, yet one could not be found until God created Eve. Genesis 2:20-24 says, “…But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” 

This also leads to another understanding of companionship. God created men and women with natural, physical, and emotional differences. Usually where one is weak, the other is strong. Therefore, a husband and wife can help each other by meeting the other person’s needs through physical and emotional intimacy. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 addresses this, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” When the needs of our spouse are properly met through healthy companionship, the two can help each other and can live a successful life together. 

Lastly, through their companionship a husband and wife work together as a team to develop and grow a family. God’s plan was that every home operate under the specific roles of both a husband and a wife and that through this they raise healthy children who honor God with their lives. Ephesians 6:1-3 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ —which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” Children are blessed through the honor of their mother and father working in unison to train them up in the way they should go. 

The companionship between a man and a woman is directed by the influence of the husband through his provision and protection and is covered by his caring, gentle, and graceful love for his wife and family. Without the biblical roles of a husband being fulfilled by a strong man of God, the family unit risks the difficulties brought on by sin and spiritual distortion. Satan desires the destruction of the family, but through Christ and proper understanding of biblical roles, the family is a strong and safe place to grow in God. 

1. A Husband Is A Leader

1 Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 

A biblical husband is a leader, not a lord. He is a builder of his family, not a bully. A leader is not a lord. A leader is not a dominating, abusive, bullying, aggressive, angry, diminishing man. Jesus exemplified what Biblical leadership looks like; it is servant leadership.

To Be Leaders Husbands Must:

1. Be proactive. 
2. Pursue God.
3. Pastor his home. 
4. Be a protector. 

Men are to step out and initiate things. Be proactive, don’t be passive. When Adam and Eve committed sin in the garden, God asked Adam, “Where are you?” God did not ask Eve first because God expects men to carry leadership responsibilities (Genesis 3:9).

A man cannot be a good leader if he is not first a good follower of the Holy Spirit. You cannot lead your home if you are not led by the Lord. That means that it is every man’s job to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Your manual is the Bible.

The Priest Of The Home

To be a pastor or priest in your home, the first thing it means is to bring your family to church on Sundays. You should take the decision. You can choose to bring your family to church on Sunday – you don’t ask your children what they want to do on Sunday. The second thing the pastor of the home has to do is live out the Christian faith in front of his wife and children. Don’t just bring your family to church but bring faith to your family. Whether it is once a day or a week, establish family devotions. If any of your family members has a problem, they know they can run to the pastor of the house first. When they come to you, call on your Shepherd Jesus Christ before you call on your church pastor or life group leader.

The Protector

God created men to be physically stronger than women so that they can protect their families. God did not give you muscle so you can raise your hand against your wife and children. You are not a bully; you are a builder. You are not a lord; you are a leader. Jesus does not abuse His church, and neither should men abuse their wives (Ephesians 5:25). There is no room for dominating, ruling, controlling, or suppressing a daughter of God in a godly marriage. As a servant leader, you should serve your spouse and protect your family.

Raising your voice is not acceptable in marriage. Usually, when men raise their voices, it is because they have already lost an argument. It is better to improve your argument than to raise your voice.

2. A Husband Is A Laborer

Genesis 2:15, “Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” 

This took place before the fall. God put the man to work in the Garden and ordained a 6-day work week. I am not saying a 5-day work week is bad, it is just not Biblical. God did not create you to have vacations on earth. He created you to create, to make things. When we go to Heaven, we are not going on holiday but to rule, reign and manage things with Christ. God is not idle. Jesus said My Father is working and I am working (John 5:27). Our God works and He created us to work.

1 Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 

In the 1950s in the United States, 1 in 50 men aged 25-54 did not want to work. Today, that statistic is 1 in 9. That equates to over 7 million men in the United States today. They are physically able but rely on government welfare or somebody else to provide for them. They are not men but grown-up boys. Boys are provided for by their mothers. Men provide for themselves. Grown-up or mature men provide for themselves, their wives, and their children. 

I Can’t Work, I’m Called To Ministry

We have a pandemic of lazy men. Some of these men over-spiritualize things saying that God has called them into ministry. Therefore, they cannot work. Living by faith doesn’t mean not working. Don’t forget that our Savior Jesus Christ spent most of His adult life working and doing manual labor. Stop saying I am not going to work and want God to provide for me because He called me into ministry. If you have a family, that is your ministry; you need to provide for them. 

Dreamers Not Workers

Another set of lazy men is not so spiritual but has more dreams than Dr. Martin Luther King. They sit and dream up ideas that won’t work. Then they push their wives to work hard to finance their idea, which was dumb from the beginning. This type of men are often people who had no father figure in their lives to bring discipline and were over-mothered and pampered. 

You Cannot Be Anything

This is a lie. You cannot be anything you want. You cannot be a bird; you are a human being. Most children will not grow up to be celebrity athletes or presidents. We need to stop lying to our children and start building their character and work ethic so that they can become something in this world – not anything. Dreams don’t pay bills, diligent work does. Businesses do not work if you don’t. You cannot sit on a couch and dream your business into work. You have to work and make things happen.

If you want to have a side hustle that is brilliant. Get a full-time job to take care of your family. Then on your days or time off, you can start learning the other job. Do not quit your full-time job until the side hustle covers the income that your full-time job provided. Do not strain your family or abandon your role as a laborer and provider. It is not pleasing to God and the Bible says it makes you worse than an unbeliever.

No Work Is Waste

Proverbs 14:23, “In all labor, there is profit. But idle chatter leads only to poverty.”

There is no profit in just dreaming, or playing golf and video games. There is profit in work. Waiting for years to get a job because you are too proud, entitled, and too mothered is not good. We need to labor. If you want to be a prosperous man, learn to work. As you work, one day you will get a better job and can run your own company. 

The problem with young people today is they get so overwhelmed by work. Their mental health is not stable because they are finally forced to work an 8-hour job. Men, we are better than that. We are stronger than that. Disconnect from TikTok and social media, read the Bible, and work. When you start to work and do it well, a lot of your other issues will be taken care of.

Look at the case of Joseph. Joseph entered Potiphar’s house to work. When Potiphar’s wife was tempting him, he had no time for her. But when David came out of his room after sleeping all day, instead of going to war, he could not resist the lady he saw. Men who are working hard and applying themselves to their business are men who are more likely to overcome temptation. 

Some men argue that in some countries unemployment pays better than working. There is no scripture in the Bible that supports this kind of lifestyle. You might need to go on benefits for a season or some months but not for years. It doesn’t matter if welfare pays better; God calls you to work hard and apply yourself. I challenge all the boys to grow up and become men. I challenge men to become mature men by providing for their families.

3. A Husband Is Loyal 

Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” 

The General Social Survey said that 20% of men in marriage cheat and that men are 54% more likely to cheat than women. I wish this general cultural statistic would only apply to men who are not Christians. A lot of Christian men still carry generational cycles of unfaithfulness from their ancestors which need to be broken in the name of Jesus Christ for them to be loyal. 

Keys To Staying Loyal

You have to stop allowing flirting to happen to you. 

Men cannot walk in purity if they don’t stop tolerating flirting from women the devil sent to assassinate their marriage. This is not in any way disrespectful to women because men are as guilty as women. Where men are guilty most of the time is in tolerating flirtation at work, online, keeping dating profiles active, sliding into DM’s, and texting people they have no business texting. The devil is out to destroy your marriage and everything starts with flirtation.

The grass is not greener on the other side. 

Dismiss the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. If you don’t water your own marriage, you are responsible for why everything is dry and parched, not your spouse. We have to water our own marriage. 

You must understand the principle of 80:20. As perfect as your wife is, she can only meet 80% of your needs. The most perfect wife can only meet 80% of her husband’s needs. The remaining 20% is enough for the devil to use to torment and tempt you unless you submit it to God to transform you. What happens, especially when life gets busier and your children are growing up, is the devil will bring somebody into your life who will fill in the 20% your spouse is missing. He will paint this beautiful Hollywood fantasy that your life would be better if you leave the 80% you have with your wife for the 20% you want. Men that fall for this deception soon discover that no perfect woman would ever date a married man. You are destroying your own moral code and foundation. 

You can have a new marriage with the same spouse if you change your attitude and how they treat your spouse. This is why it is important to water the garden that you are in instead of fantasizing about somebody else’s lawn.

Don’t hang out with the opposite sex alone. 

Even if you are in management, you can go over things with people in a public setting where other people are present. The moment you start to spend time alone with the opposite sex as a married man or woman, you are stepping on dangerous territory. 

Avoid talking about your personal life with the opposite sex. 

Similarly, we must avoid this trap of the devil. The moment you open up your personal life to a person of the opposite sex, you are inviting them to be intimate with you emotionally. It might start slowly but this leads to other intimacies. This does not mean that we are constantly blocking out the opposite sex but your personal life should not be exposed to someone you don’t want to have a bond with. When you are struggling in your marriage, you don’t want to make bonds with other people. 

Keep a fire in your fireplace. 

The best way to avoid emotional or physical intimacy with someone else is to keep the romance – keep the fire in your own fireplace. Keep your marriage healthy. 

4. A Husband Is A Learner 

1 Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” 

This verse is loaded with revelation for men. If we don’t fulfill the petitions of our wives, it could hinder our prayers from being answered. The Bible says here that the wife is the weaker vessel, not the weak vessel. If it said the wife is the weak vessel, it means the man would be the strong vessel. This means that man is weak but the wife is weaker. Weaker in which regard?

“The word is not weaker in the sense of less than but the work weaker there, has to do with the way you handle highly valued material… you don’t treat fine china like paper plates because they break easier. The reason you handle fine china plates carefully is because of how much you value them. A husband should value his wife like fine china.” 

Dr. Tony Evans none

Husband’s Learn Your Wives

Dwell with understanding with your wife means you have to figure your wife out. In the simplest of terms, understanding your wife comes down to this: If you know what bothers her, don’t do it; if you know what she likes, do it. 

Many men struggle when it comes to understanding women. Their brains are wired differently. Men are more logical, women are more emotionally connected. Here are some differences:

• Women love processes, men love goals.
• Women love romance, men love sex.
• When processing things, women need sensitivity, men want space.
• When stressed, women become overwhelmed and emotionally involved, while men become focused and withdrawn.
• Women feel better by talking about the problem, men prefer solving it.

Notice that the Bible doesn’t instruct women to dwell with their husbands with understanding; it instructs husbands. This means we as husbands have a greater responsibility to understand our wives and meet them at the point of their needs. This is how to honor our wives.

5. A Husband Is A Lover 

Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

Five Ways To Make Your Wife Feel Loved: 

1. Buy her flowers and gifts (or let her buy gifts herself). 

2. Spend time with her.

3. Do house chores. 

4. Physically touch her without initiating sex. 

5. Compliment her. 

Let me explain further. Any love that does not involve giving is not Biblical. It doesn’t have to always or only be flowers; it is the thought that counts. Often a cash gift is the best option to avoid misunderstandings or disappointment when the gift you bought is inevitably in the wrong color or size. 

When I say spend time with your wife, I do not mean while both of you are watching a movie together.  How a man feels he has spent time with his wife is through shared activity. The way wives feel connected to their husbands is not through doing a shared activity but a wife needs uninterrupted quality time where her husband asks her the following questions:

1. How was your day?
2. If your wife says it was fine, delve deeper. Can you unpack that thought for me?
3. How did that make you feel?
4. Really? Why did that make you feel like that?

Keep going like this and in about 10-15 minutes, she will feel all the burdens of the day have lifted off, the stress is gone and she will feel you have listened to her and understood her. Actually engage with her in conversation, not texting and scrolling while you talk to her. It is one of the hardest things for a man to do but it is one of the most powerful things a wife needs her husband to do. 

Do chores for your wife even if her love language is not acts of service. Serve your spouse even with simple things as a husband. It makes your wife feel more loved. 

Feeling Loved Versus Being Loved

Husbands have difficulty understanding the difference between feeling loved and being loved. We know in our hearts that we love our wives. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be with them. We believe that the fact we are with them is a sign that we love them. When we got married, we told them we love them and if we had changed our minds, we would have notified them. The woman does not know she is loved unless she feels she is loved and her feeling loved seems to fluctuate on a 24-hour basis. As the Bible says new every morning is God’s mercy, so your reminder has to be for your wife that you love her.

This physical touch is a non-sexual public display of your love for your wife. It can be as simple as holding her hand or opening a door for her in public. In our culture today, that is no longer celebrated but we want to raise godly men and godly gentlemen who will honor and love their wives publicly. This is important not only to build your marriage but to build your children’s view of how marriage should be and how they should show affection publicly for their spouses. 

Complimenting Your Wife

Every wife wants to feel beautiful and loves to look good, especially for their husband. The hard part for men is to give them compliments when they do. Complimenting your wife is not just about saying good. Love your wife by being generous with your vocabulary and complimenting her in a more detailed and expressive way. Remember, she needs to feel that she is loved. 

Jesus washes the Church with the Word, (Ephesians 5:26). Do the same for your wife and she will be nourished and nurtured. A wife will only bloom in the garden her husband waters for her. Raise your wife’s value in your own eyes. Don’t wait for her to change her appearance. Sow into your wife. Bless her, nourish her, and she will flourish and bloom in the garden of your marriage as your wife, a mother, and a daughter of God. The Bible tells husbands not to react to how their wife treats them but to love them how Christ loves them.