Biblical submission

1. Biblical Submission Flourishes from Biblical Headship

The first is this about the meaning of a wife’s biblical submission; namely, it is a happy response to a husband’s biblical leadership or, as Ephesians 5:23 calls it, headship. And the point of starting here is that, when men are doing what God calls men to do in a relationship and they are doing it rightly, biblically, most women love it and are happy to respond to it supportively. My main effort in ministry is to help your fiancé. But you didn’t ask about him. You asked about you. So, I will try to say something directly to you.

Marry a man who understands biblical headship and has the maturity and the humility to grow in it.

But really this is so important. Be sure you marry a man who understands his role and has the maturity and the humility to grow in the rest of his life into this role, into this leadership and headship. It will be very difficult for you to live out your life of godly submissiveness if he is not a godly leader. It is not impossible and the Bible talks about that, but it will be harder and you don’t want to choose that at the front end of your relationship.

2. Headship Initiates, Submission Supports

Here is the second thing. I would say that submission means an intelligent, happy, wise support for the leadership of your husband and that means a few key things from him. This simply means you love it when he leads. And by leading — here comes the qualification so you know what you are aiming at — by leading, I don’t mean he makes unilateral decisions without talking to you and caring about what you think. That would contradict your role as a fellow heir “of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). It would contradict his role as a fallible follower of Jesus. He is not Jesus. He is not your ultimate Lord. Jesus is and he knows that, and he wants to honor that and encourage you in your personal submission to and following of Jesus. He doesn’t put himself in the place of your all-controlling Lord. He knows Jesus alone holds that.

So, what I mean by “his leadership” is that he takes initiative. He says, “Let’s” most often. That is sometimes a little thing I say to a couple. I ask: Who says, “Let’s” most often in this relationship? And if she is the one who has to constantly say: Let’s do this and let’s do this and let’s do this. And he is just as slough off, then that is a problem. He should be taking initiative in family devotions. He should be taking initiative in the discipline of the children. He should be taking initiative in financial responsibility. He should be taking initiative in the moral standards of the home, in patterns of giving, in church life, and on and on and on. When I say he takes initiative, I don’t mean that he takes charge in any detailed way as if he should run everything. He shouldn’t run everything.

Here is an example. Let me try to make it concrete. If I say, “take initiative in finances, man, don’t drag your feet with regard to how the money is made, how the money is saved, how the money is invested, how the money is spent, how the money is given,” don’t drag your feet here and expect your wife to solve all these problems. You are the one that should take initiative. And what I mean by initiative is he says things like: Can we talk about our finances to make sure that we are living in our means and honoring the Lord with our money? And then he might say: I am not very good with these numbers and you were a math major. So, how about you keep the checkbook and write the checks for the utilities and so on?

Submission is mainly a wife’s intelligent, happy, wise support for her husband’s leadership.

Leadership doesn’t mean doing it all. Leadership means sitting down at the table and taking the initiative to put things in motion that solve problems. Women love to have their husbands take initiative to put things in motion to get problems solved. Of course, they want to be part of the solution and ought to be a part of the solution. But oh, how sad it is when they have to drag their husbands to the table to get something going like that. 

In other words, a good wife, a submissive wife, may have more competency than her husband in lots of areas. She might. They both recognize that and they set up the management of the home in various ways that show that. Leadership doesn’t mean superior competencies. Good night. You know, I am a pastor. I was surrounded by people with superior competencies than I was, but I was the leader. It was my job: maximize those competencies. Figure out a way to solve the problems here and set the tone here and cast a vision here that releases those competencies. So, submission wants a husband to lead. She wants him to make things happen, put things in motion, take initiative. 

3. Christ Is the Ultimate Head

Here is the last thing. I would say that, besides being an intelligent, happy, wise support for the leadership of the husband that way, submission means that in principle, in the rare cases where the two of you, after arguing for days about what should be done, it is a draw — and you haven’t persuaded him and he hasn’t persuaded you — the submissive wife says to the husband: I am going to trust you to do what is right here. And she may disagree with which way he is going. And I think they are very rare. Those situations are probably very rare. But she is going to yield in principle to whatever he says.

And the reason I say “in principle” is because a good husband at that moment might use that privilege to go her way. He may love her. He may want to be gracious to her. He may not want to take that authority here and wield it in a direction she doesn’t want to go because he loves her, and so he may just say: No, we will do it your way. But she has sent the message loud and clear to him: I will not put my foot down and say that you must do it my way. We are going to go your way, and I am going to trust you to do what is right. 

And I would just end by qualifying that two ways. One, a good husband will sometimes yield even though she has given him the privilege, so she yields. And the second qualification is a wife never follows her husband into sin. So, the headship of the husband is not ultimate headship. Christ is the ultimate head, and she will always seek to do the right thing and not sin if her husband calls her to follow him into sin. 

So, here is my summary for Kasie:

1. God knows what is best for us and his way of submission and headship is the path of joy.

2. Be sure to marry a man mature enough and humble enough to lead biblically.

3. Submission is mainly an intelligent, happy, wise support for that leadership.

4. Which means that submission is a responsiveness to his initiative taking, which is not comprehensive control, but involves you in the planning of the family life.

5. Submission means that in a draw you say: I trust you to do what is best.

6. Submission means ultimately submission to Jesus so that you never follow your husband into sin.

1. Submission Is Positive

Right away, we should note that the Bible does not present submission in negative terms. It’s considered positive. In any relationship that we’re subordinate, it is an opportunity to remember Christ himself. This very word was used for Jesus in 1 Corinthians 15:28, showing Jesus’s submission to his Father. 

Learning from Jesus, then, we can understand a type of subordination or submission that does not imply inferiority. Submission is not about losing honor but rather about giving it. Jesus, in his submission, helps us to see how positive it is.

Submission is not about losing honor but rather about giving it.

But not only is it not negative, but it’s also positive. It’s good. Remember, God does not command his people to do anything that would do them harm or make them less human. He is all-wise and commands what is best for our good. When he made the first husband and wife, he pronounced them good. That husbands are given a leadership role within the context of the family does not in any way mean that women are somehow inferior to men. God’s creative design is good. It’s positive.

2. Submission Has a Priority

We understand that all authority is created by and comes from God. Therefore, all authority is a derived authority. This means that whenever a wife submits to her husband, she is first submitting to God. 

Just as we read in verse 21 that submission is to be done with a motive of reverence or fear of Christ, it is also to be done here with the priority of first being to God. Submission is first about a heart of worship to God. It’s not merely a mechanical duty of submission to a man. It is the worship of God. That’s the priority.

3. Submission Has Parameters

What are the parameters of this submission? We read in verse 24 that it includes everything, does that mean that a Christian wife must do whatever her husband says? 

I don’t think so. We only have to read chapters 4 and 5 in Ephesians to find that Christians are commanded to do and not do all kinds of things. The husband can’t simply line-item veto God’s Word in favor of what he wants to do. 

A Christian wife must not submit to her husband if he is insisting on doing something that God forbids, or he is saying she shouldn’t do something God commands. Remember, God is the authority.

What does Paul mean then? He means that this submission is not limited to one area of life; instead, it’s comprehensive. 

One other note, this should be fairly obvious, but to make it clear, the prescription is to submit to their own husbands. This is not a command for a wife to submit to every man (this would imply there is something inherently less valuable in women than men). No, it’s specific to the relationship between the husband and wife. The submission corresponds to the leadership; it’s unique to the family.

4. Submission Has a Pattern

The pattern of submission reflects Christ and his church, “even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (Eph. 5:21). This pulls the freight for the commands in the passage: the marriage is to reflect Jesus and his church.

The church yields herself to the bridegroom, Christ, in trusting, loving, joyful submission. This is the model for a Christian wife. As she yields her heart, mind, and will to God’s Word—declaring it to be good and right—she reflects the body of Christ’s submission to Jesus. In this way, wives have the privilege of not only declaring the gospel but also demonstrating it through submission to their husbands.

5. Submission Has a Purpose

Finally, submission has a purpose. Ephesians teaches us that God’s purpose is to put everything in subjection to Jesus, the resurrected King. In chapter 1:9-10, we read: “making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.”

This is God’s purpose in Christ. This is what he is doing right now. The church is privileged to sprout the first buds of blessing in the kingdom of God. We reflect that God is tying up all loose ends in their subjection to Jesus. Therefore all submission to God’s authority, in various relationships, reflects the truth that Christ’s kingdom has come. 

 There is an inherent blessing when a wife submits to her husband–and the inherent blessing is bound up in the fact that when she submits to her husband she is doing that which is biblical. God always honors our doing what is biblical.

There is another blessing when a wife submits to her husband that is expressly stated here in verse 1. When a married woman becomes a Christian–and her husband remains an unbeliever–she may win her unbelieving husband to faith in Christ simply by living according to the Bible’s teachings.

likewise be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word (that is, the gospel), they, without a word (without your talking), may be won by the conduct (or behavior) of their wives.”

It is supremely helpful to remember that the conversion of an unbelieving husband is what drives this passage. Much is made over the fact that Peter takes six verses to address wives and just one verse to address husbands (verse 7). The faulty implication is: “Peter’s got a lot more to say to wives to straighten them out!”  

Hardly. Peter is writing about submission, and what undergirds these six verses is Peter’s demonstrating how biblical submission on the part of a wife may result in the conversion of an unbelieving husband.

Just knowing this helps us see right away that biblical submission does not mean that a wife can’t think for herself or that she must always agree with her husband. Peter doesn’t tell the believing wife to not think for herself or tell her she must follow her unbelieving husband’s views on everything. That’s not what submission means.

But the question remains: What is biblical submission? And what does it really mean to be submissive? 

Many are concerned about what to do when husbands are not leading and we’ll be dealing with that unfortunate circumstance more fully when we get to verse 7. For now, let’s talk about this matter of male headship in the home. This teaching does not begin in the New Testament, but is as old as Adam & Eve.

It is not really possible to understand the wife’s role of submission apart from the husband’s role of headship; that is, the leadership of his wife and family. The husband’s role as leader is implied in 1 Peter 3, else the whole idea of submission would make little sense. In other words, since Peter instructs wives to “be submissive to their own husbands,” then it necessarily follows that the husband is leading.

Men and women are created as equal image-bearers of God. They are equal in essence. They equally possess dignity before God and neither is more or less important than the other. Nor is one inferior to the other.

Feminist teaching in some evangelical churches agrees that husbands and wives are equal in essence, but disagrees that either has a uniquely different role or function in the marriage.

But the Bible teaches that the husband bears primary responsibility to lead his wife and to lead his family in a God-honoring way. This means he does not lead as an authoritarian or as a domineering tyrant. His model for leadership is Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 5:23 states: “the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.” How did Christ lead as head of the church? He loved the church. He prayed for the church. He died for the church.

This role of the husband–headship in the home–is a role rooted in creation. Contrary to popular feminist theology, male headship in the home did not come as a result of sin which entered the world in Genesis 3. 

When you study the opening chapters of Genesis, you note that male headship is taught before the Fall of Genesis 3. Indeed, Genesis chapters 1 and 2 teach the different functions and roles of husband and wife. 

To be sure, sin distorts the roles of husband and wife and that is largely what we are witnessing today in many families; role-reversals of husband and wife. But the biblical model begins in the opening two chapters of the Bible.

This is why the New Testament reaffirms the Old Testament teaching of male headship and biblical submission. If submission were sinful, it certainly would not be reaffirmed in the New Testament, yet it is.  We read it above in Ephesians 5, and here’s another place where this teaching is affirmed:

1 Corinthians 11:3: “I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”

Paul states very clearly that “the head of woman is man.” That is, the husband is to lead his wife. But note that this teaching is sandwiched between two other statements that color the kind of leadership Paul has in mind. See it again:

“I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”

What Paul intends when writing that “the head of woman is man” is discovered by the phrases both preceding and following that statement, namely these two phrases: “the head of every man is Christ” and “the head of Christ is God.”  

In other words, were we to ask, “How exactly does a husband lead his wife?” The answer is: “The same way that Christ leads the husband.” And if we ask, “How is a wife to submit to her husband?” the answer is: “The same way Christ submits to His Father.”

The husband and wife are equal in essence, but each has a different function or role in the marriage. The husband leads his wife as “head” of his wife. 

The wife is a “helper” to her husband (Genesis 2:18; 1 Corinthians 11:8-9), which makes her a beautiful complement and completer to her husband. He is incomplete without her.

Submission means that the wife voluntarily yields herself to the leadership of her husband. Again, it doesn’t mean she cannot think for herself or that she will always agree with her husband, but it means the wife has an inclination to lovingly follow her husband.

One other helpful illustration is found in the doctrine of the Trinity. The teaching of the Trinity is that God is a triune God. He is one God in three Persons. Each of the Persons–Father, Son, and Holy Spirit–is of equal essence and dignity in relation to the others. No one Person of the Godhead is more divine than another. The Son of God is as much God as the Holy Spirit. The Father is as important as the Son, and so forth.

Yet, while there is equality among the Persons of the Trinity, there is also variety of function and role and there is also subordination within the Godhead. The Son submits to the Father. The Holy Spirit submits to boththe Son and the Father. Yet all three Persons are equally God with no loss of dignity or glory.

Likewise, the wife–with no loss of her dignity–submits to her husband. Husband and wife are equal image-bearers of God. They both have worth and dignity before God. Neither one is more or less important in God’s sight. Yet, while they are of the same essence, they have differing roles: the husband is head of the wife in the way that Christ is head of the church, and the wife submits to her husband in the same way Christ submits to the Father.

This is the blessing of being a biblical wife. God always honors our following His Word. 

And note again the special blessing that attaches to the wife whose husband is not a believer: 

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,

The JB Phillips translation is helpful:

“If they do not obey the Word of God they may be won to God without any word being spoken, simply by seeing the pure and reverent behavior of you, their wives.”

This teaching is similar to what Peter wrote in the previous chapter. He had said that the honorable conduct of Christians had the potential to cause unbelievers to “glorify God” (1 Peter 2:12).

There is power in a Christian life that is honorably lived-out before others. Often our actions do indeed speak louder than our words. This is not to say that words are not important. People must hear the gospel before they can be saved, but the godly actions of Christians may persuade those people to believe what they have heard.

So Peter is telling Christian wives who are married to non-Christian husbands how they may win their husbands to the Lord. He says that they may win them not so much by their speaking as by their living; living godly lives before them:

…they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear (1 Peter 3:2)

Some wives may become so frustrated by their husband’s lack of spiritual example that they fall into the trap of verbally rebuking him and lecturing him. Unfortunately, this reaction does little to soften the hard heart of a man insensitive to spiritual things. If anything, the incessant words of his wife may cause his heart to harden more.

So, next post, we’ll consider this teaching more fully: the behavior of a biblical wife (verse 2).

And we’ll also consider the beauty of a biblical wife (verses 3-6). 

And don’t worry, husbands, we’ll get to you eventually in verse 7!

As we continue our verse-by-verse study of 1 Peter, we look again at 1 Peter 3:1-6 in Part 2 of what God teaches about biblical wives. In our previous post on these verses, we considered the blessing of a biblical wife. 

Because the blessing of a biblical wife is predicated upon the behavior of a biblical wife, we’ll now turn our attention to this matter.

Consider the Behavior of a Biblical Wife 

Verse 2 says husbands will “observe [their wives’] chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”  This truth builds upon what Peter had just said to Christian wives in verse 1, namely, that they may win their unbelieving husbands to faith in Christ not so much by what they say, but by how they live.

Peter assumes that most unbelieving husbands have already heard the gospel message. This is implied in verse 1 where Peter says that these husbands “do not obey the word.”  Put another way, they’ve heard the gospel, but they’re not obeying it. And they’re not obeying it because they don’t believe it.

So, Peter says the best way to win an unbelieving spouse is by godly living. It’s not easy to resist the temptation to “be preachy.” We want to say, “You just need to get right with God! Get your act together! Take us to church!”  

But rather than preaching, Peter encourages these Christian wives to simply live out the Christian life before their unbelieving spouses. This behavior will go further in winning them to Christ than anything they say.

The word “chaste” in verse 2 means pure. Unbelieving husbands will observe the purity of their godly wives and also their “fear” or “fear of God;” their reverence for the Lord.

Then, Peter fleshes out this teaching in the next few verses. He continues speaking about the wife’s behavior in these verses, but now enfolds the wife’s behavior with her beauty. 

Consider the Beauty of a Biblical Wife

Peter is teaching how a wife’s godly living may have a profound evangelistic effect upon her unbelieving husband.  At the same time, however, the teaching here is applicable to all spouses, believers and unbelievers alike.

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—(verse 3)

The New King James Version is one of the better translations here: “Do not let your adornment be merely (my emphasis) outward.” That is: outward adornment is not itself wrong. Arranging the hair is not inherently wrong. Wearing gold is not wrong, if worn tastefully.  Putting on fine apparel is not inherently wrong, when arrayed in tasteful fashion.

Here is Peter’s point to ladies who are married to unbelieving husbands: “While external beauty makes you attractive to your husband, he is not likely to be won to Christ that way.” Indeed, the external beauty of a woman may win her husband to the bedroom, but it is not likely that her external beauty will win him to Christ.  

Rather, her adornment is to be on the inside, from her inner beauty:

rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. (verse 4)

Peter is not saying that it is wrong for a woman to braid her hair, or wear jewelry, or dress nicely. He’s simply saying, “Don’t let that be the focus of your beauty.” Make the focus of your beauty who you are on the inside.

Remember when Samuel was looking over the sons of Jesse and wondering which of them the Lord had selected to be king? He saw Eliab and thought to himself, “Surely this fine looking man has the body of a king,” and God said to him, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature…for the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).”

Similarly, Peter writes that real beauty is not who a woman is on the outside, but who she is on the inside. Popular culture stresses the outside, while the Bible stresses the inside.

Peter writes in verse 4 that a woman’s beauty should be “the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”

A woman’s having a “gentle and quiet spirit” does not mean she cannot have an outgoing personality. Some women are louder than others. Again, Peter is not talking about the outside, he’s talking about the inside. He’s talking about a gentle and quiet “spirit,” who a woman is on the inside.

A gentle and quiet spirit indicates an inner trust in God, an inner tranquility or peace. She knows that God is in control and that He always does what is right, even if she has an unbelieving husband.

If a Christian woman has an unbelieving husband, she submits herself to her husband, trusting that God is in complete control. She does not fret and worry herself over worldly concerns, but puts her hope and trust in God. That this is what Peter has in mind is evidenced by what he says next in verse 5:

For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, (verse 5)

Drawing from the Old Testament, Peter says that this is how the women “in former times” lived. This is how they “adorned themselves.” He says they “trusted in God.” So they did not ultimately put their hope and trust in their husband, but in God.

If you are a young lady who is hoping for a husband, let your ultimate hope and trust be not in a husband, but in God. The best husband is not one who thinks he is “Number One” to you, but one who knows he’s in second place behind God.

This is the hallmark of Christian womanhood: trusting in God–not trusting in a husband or the hopes of getting a husband–but hoping and trusting in God Himself. 

Peter says this is how the holy women in former times adorned themselves.

Then, as an example of one such holy woman in former times, Peter writes:

as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. (verse 6)

Sarah was the wife of Abraham and she is the one who gave birth to Isaac. She was not perfect! For example, in Genesis 18, she was listening to a discussion about her and Abraham’s having a son in spite of her being well beyond the age of childbearing and she laughed to herself.  

Yet, Peter provides Sarah as an example of beauty–and we don’t even know what she looked like! And yet, we do. We know of her “inner beauty,” the beauty that matters most. 

When God called Sarah out on her laughing, she lied and said she didn’t laugh. But she had laughed. So when she conceived and gave birth to a son, she named him “Isaac,” which means “laughter.” 

Sarah had learned to trust God.

Peter adds in verse 6 that Sarah “obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.” That doesn’t mean she was like, “O, my Lord and king of the universe, what shall your humble servant do for you today?!”  

No. It’s not “Lord” with a capital “L,” but lord with a lower case “l.” In the ancient near east, calling a husband “lord” was a term of endearment that reflected the love and respect of a woman for her husband. Today it might be like saying, “My main man!” or, “My main squeeze!”  

Sarah loved her husband. So she talked to him like she loved him. Wives, talk to your husbands like you love them. Husbands, talk to your wives like you love them.

Speak well of your spouse in public. And speak well of your spouse when they’re not around. 

Men: don’t do like other men do when gathering together in the break room, talking about their wives in disrespectful ways. You are different. Speak well of your wife in public. 

Ladies: don’t do as other women do when gathering together, trashing their husbands. You are different. Speak well of your husband in public.

So Peter says, “You are like Sarah” ladies, when you live like she did. The phrase “whose daughters you are” means you are like Sarah when you love your husband the way Sarah loved her husband. You want a “Cover Girl” example for inner beauty? Look no further than Sarah.

This matter of inner beauty has a number of implications. We should also praise our children, for example, for their inner beauty.

One of the reasons I don’t get too excited about contests where people are rewarded for their externals; physical beauty, for example, is because our secular culture so champions those things. 

The Bible champions innerbeauty. Never forget that, ladies. And, never forget that, mothers and fathers of little children.

Outer beauty–external achievement in terms of success, academics, vocation, and other external adornments–means very little when there is no inner beauty, no inner love for Christ, no real dedication to God and service to Him.

Men: praise your sons and daughters for their inner spirit, their inner love for Christ. Put your arm around them and teach them Proverbs 15:20: “A wise son brings joy to his father.” Teach both your sons and daughters 3 John 4: “I have no greater joy than that my children walk in truth.” Praise them for their inner beauty.

Wives, love your husband the way Sarah loved her husband. You are her daughters “if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”

That last phrase, “are not afraid with any terror” seems to call for brave living among a people and a culture who may not understand biblical submission. Don’t be afraid to live out what the Bible teaches. Don’t be afraid of those who make light of your seemingly “strange” notions of biblical submission. Put your trust in God like the beautiful women of former times.

So, don’t be afraid of the women at the coffee gathering who may not share your biblical values. Be like Sarah. You are her daughters if you love your husband the way she did.

But what about the husbands? To that topic we will return next time when we look at verse 7.

Saying thanks is directed at God, and submitting is directed at others, so self is involved in the Spirit-filled life, and out of one’s own heart comes praise, and thanks is involved in a Spirit-filled life directed toward God, and submission, verse 21. And I want you to notice that, because it’s a very important spiritual concept: “Be subject” - or submissive – “to one another in the fear of Christ.” In other words, if you reverence Christ, if you are in awe of Christ, if you desire to honor and please Him, then be a submissive person; a submissive person.

As a general characteristic, we are to be submissive. Spirit-filled people are submissive. That is to say, they are not dominating, they are not proud, they are not self-willed, they do not live by their own agenda - which is, of course, the way people in our culture and our society today live. And we have sown the seeds of a self-esteem psychology, and we have reaped a harvest of pride - overwhelming pride - personal pride, self-glorification, self-will, domination of the environment by one’s own person and plans.

But Spirit-filled people are submissive by the work of the Holy Spirit. The word here for subject or submit is hupotassō- it’s a Greek verb, hupotassō, it’s compounded. It means - tass means to arrange, to place in order, and hupo is under. It’s a military term; it means to place yourself under, to rank yourself under; that’s what it means in the military sense; it is to rank yourself under those in authority over you, under those who have responsibility for you, to be under someone.

As a general principle, as Christians, we are to live lives of submission. This is so clearly the general principle of Christian living that it is referred to many times, in particular in the New Testament, but perhaps as clear a section as there is, is Philippians 2. In Philippians 2 we read in verse 1 - we’ll just pick it up in verse 1: “If there’s any encouragement in Christ, any consolation of love, any fellowship of the Spirit, any affection and compassion” — talking about mutually among believers — “make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love” - loving everybody the same – “thinking the same things, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.”

How in the world can you do that? How can you get along so completely with others? “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” That is the soul of submission; it is humility. It is being unselfish, having no conceit, “but with humility of mind, considering others as more important than yourselves. Not looking out for your own interests, but the interests of others.”

That is a spiritual grace that is produced by the Holy Spirit; if there is any fellowship of the Spirit - any real fellowship of the Spirit - this then will appear. And — by the way — the greatest illustration of this is Christ Himself. You are to “have this attitude of humble submission in yourselves” -  verse 5 – “which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, didn’t regard equality with God a thing to be grasped” - held onto – “but emptied Himself, taking the form of a slave, and being made in the likeness of men.

“Found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross.” This is what it means to be submissive: to be humble, to look not on your own things, but the things of others. That broad command is also repeated in 1 Corinthians 16:16: “You also be in subjection to such men and to everyone who helps in the work and labors.” In other words, the apostle Paul instructs the Corinthians as a matter of life to submit themselves to all who labor in the work of the kingdom; be submissive is a general way of life.

In Hebrews 13:17, we are commanded to be submissive to those who are over us in the Lord – “those who watch for our souls” - those who must give an account for us to God. “Obey your leaders” - it says – “and submit to them.” First Peter 2 and verse 13 says submit to the authority of the government, whatever institution there is; 1 Peter 5:5, submit to the elders and pastors. So, this attitude of submission just is pervasive in Christian living, and a Spirit-filled person will be humbly submissive.

I really think this is the grace that most women are looking for in a man. You say, “Wait a minute, aren’t men supposed to be the authority in a relationship?” Yes, but it is a submissive kind of authority, and we’re going to talk about that. I think most women are looking for a humble man, selfless man, a man who is not preoccupied with his own agenda, and his own needs, and his own expression, and his own will, and his own plans, and I know most men are looking for the same in a woman; humbly submissive.

And that submission can be seen in the grace of humility, and in the way we respond to one another who serve the Lord, as well as to those who are over us in the Lord. It is this submissive attitude that makes a marriage work. I don’t have any question about the fact that I’m supposed to be the head of Patricia, my wife, and she doesn’t have any restraints placed upon her by that, that, in and of itself, are abusive or harsh, because I understand that while I have authority over her given to me from God, I am also commanded to be submissive to her in every area of her needs.

Sometimes, when people say to me, “What’s the key to a good marriage? What’s the key to a marriage full of joy and blessing?” And I’ll tell you what it is in a very simple sentence - and this is my objective in dealing with the wife that I adore - it is simply this: “Whatever will bring her joy and be to her benefit, I will submit to do, happily, because all I want is her joy and spiritual benefit.” It’s that simple; it’s not complicated, it’s not brain surgery. Do I always achieve that end?

Ask her - she will tell you no - but do I always desire to achieve that end? Of course. I submit to her joy, to her fulfillment, to what blesses her and encourages her, and exercise my leadership in that way. The same would be true as a father. Do I have authority over my children? Yes. Am I responsible to God for the leadership of my children? Yes. But because I love my children, whatever would be to their joy, and their fulfillment, and their happiness, and their spiritual benefit, I can’t do it fast enough.

So, this is a kind of submission that is really pervasive through all relationships, whether you have the role of being the head or not. This is foundational to everything. Everybody submits at some level; we all submit to each other, we all submit to the elders, we all submit to the government. As wives, you submit to your husbands; as husbands, there’s a way in which you submit to your wives. Children submit to parents, but parents also submit to children; it’s mutual.

There is a kind of submission, a spiritual care, that characterizes all of us in all our relationships. I think about it as a pastor; I’ve been given a responsibility over you in the Lord. What does that mean? Does that mean I conduct myself like Jim Jones, and we all end up drinking the Kool Aid? No. What it means is, I’m accountable before God; I have to give an account - Hebrews 13:17 - I have to give an account to God for my care for you, and my authority over you must take respect for your particular and unique needs.

It is a kind of authority that has at its heart care - which means compassion - and submission to the things that are needful in your life. Now, this doesn’t mean we don’t have leaders; we do. They are responsible to lead, but with an attitude of submission; you understand? That’s how it functions and how it operates. So, we’re going to talk about each of these relationships from the perspective that it’s all a kind of submission; it’s all a kind of submission. Everybody’s in the pecking order, even leaders.

You know, you follow the leaders who are your pastors, but we follow Christ. Everybody’s in the order of God’s design. A wife follows the lead of her husband, but her husband is under the authority of the elders of the church, and they’re under the authority of Christ, and so it goes. All of us submit to one another, and this is a beautiful kind of thing, just in the experience of believers alone, and I am convinced that this is the evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit, in a very remarkable way.

The most - I guess the most important spiritual attribute that believers have in the assembly of God in the church is humility, because apart from humility, we would have chaos; we would have absolute chaos. And when I look at our church, and I see the loving unity among the leaders, and the pastors, and the elders, and the congregation, I see that submission working in our congregation; it’s a wonderful thing to see. All right, having established that overarching principle of submission, let’s look at chapter 5, and start with the wives; we’re going to start with the wives, and yes, we will get to the husbands.

But I want to start where the text starts, and here we read in verse 22 - let me read you what the original says: “Wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord”; wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord. Did you notice the word be subject is in italics? That’s because it isn’t in the original; it isn’t in the original. It doesn’t say, first of all, “obey your husbands” - it’s not that kind of a relationship. It has already established mutual submission, and then it gives you the first illustration: “Wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

This is the first illustration of submission, the relationship that a wife has to her husband, but it doesn’t say “obey your husband”, because this relationship is more intimate, more inward, and that is, I think, indicated here by the personal pronoun, “Wives, to your own husbands.” Not to every man, not to any man, but to your own husbands. This has nothing to do with spiritual inferiority; nothing at all to do with spiritual inferiority - there is no inferiority among believers between men and women - none at all.

Paul says in Galatians 3:28, “In Christ there is neither male nor female”; neither male nor female. We’re not talking about spiritual things here, we’re simply talking about divinely established categories of responsibility. And God has even fabricated us to fit those categories. For the sake of fulfilling God’s design, the woman is commanded to “be subject to her own husband, as unto the Lord”. Nobody would argue that a woman needs to be submissive to the Lord; we confess Jesus as Lord when we come to Christ.

Well, it’s a kind of relationship we have to our husband that is also like that. He is lord in a very real sense, and we’re going to see that in just a moment. Now, I told you that the word submittingis not in verse 22, but just to be fair about that, in Colossians 3:18, you have a parallel verse, and the word submission is there: “Wives, be subject to your husbands”. And the reason it’s there is because there’s not a parallel to verse 21; there’s no comment about submission at all.

So, it has to be introduced in verse 18, which is why they put it in over here in the book of Ephesians: be submissive or subject to your husbands. And then, Colossians 3:18 it says, “as is fitting in the Lord.” In Ephesians, it says “as to the Lord”; in Colossians, it says, “as is fitting to the Lord” – anēkō - a word that means seemly, appropriate, correct, the right thing. It could even mean legally binding - that’s a usage that we find in the Greek Old Testament. It is fitting; it is not a cultural issue, it is not a transient issue, it is not a temporary issue.

A woman is to be submissive to her husband, because it is fitting, it is appropriate, it is correct, it is legally binding, it suits the created order of God. The headship of man is tied to man’s physicality; he is stronger, he is more aggressive. He is constitutionally designed by God to work for, to protect, to provide for, to secure his wife, who is identified in Scripture as the weaker vessel - not weaker spiritually, not weaker intellectually, not weaker morally - but weaker in general constitution.

God designed men to be the breadwinners, the workers, the protectors, the providers, the security for their wives, and that is obvious to anybody with an open mind. It is obligatory, then, and it is connected to divine design, for a woman to be submissive to her husband. To expand on that a little bit - and I said I was going to do this, and I will - turn to 1 Peter 3; 1 Peter 3. This is such a rich portion of Scripture and I know many of you are familiar with it, but we need to look at it, because it says essentially the same thing.

Verse 1 of 1 Peter 3: “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your husbands.” In the same way as what? In the same way as sheep are submissive to the leadership of the Great Shepherd; that’s how chapter 2 ends. In the same way that you submit to the Great Shepherd, “so wives” - and again that’s what Paul said in Ephesians – “as to the Lord” - it’s the parallel: “be submissive to your own husbands.” There again is the personal pronoun; not all men, not everybody’s husband, but yours.

And by the way, the word submissive is the same word – hupotassō, to rank yourself under - and in this case, you do it even with an unbelieving husband because this is the divine plan, “so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior.” You want to evangelize your unconverted husband? Be submissive; be submissive.

Your adornment? It’s not about external things, braiding, or plaiting the hair - which was some kind of weaving it with gold in it, a very fancy thing - wearing gold jewelry, putting on dresses. Look, that’s not wrong to do that. God has called us to make the most out of our fallenness, and there’s a beauty in adornment; we see that in the Song of Solomon. But your adornment must not be merely external; in fact, that’s not going to do it with your husband. You’re going to win your husband another way.

Verse 4: “Let it be the hidden person of the heart, the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” You don’t want to adorn yourself with perishable things; you want to adorn yourself with imperishable things. You don’t want to adorn yourself only on the outside – yes, on the outside, but not only on the outside - but on the inside. You want your beauty not just to be seen by your husband, but you want your beauty to be seen by God. This is the true beauty, and it has great value.

It is this kind of beauty that can win your husband. It has always been the standard - verse 5: “In this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves” - from the inside – “being submissive to their own husbands.” This is unmistakable; this is unmistakable. Any effort to overthrow this is an attack on God and on the divine order - which, of course, is what feminism in all of its elements is: an outright attack on God.

Holy women have always done this. Holy women - women who hoped in God, this means redeemed women - this is how they’ve always adorned themselves, by being submissive to their husband. Illustration: “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.” Now, don’t get carried away, men, please? But “you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” You shouldn’t be afraid to submit to your husband. It takes all the terror out of the relationship because it brings peace to the relationship. And by this quiet, gentle spirit, you can win an unconverted husband. This is God’s design.

Now, I want to show you another portion of Scripture - this one may also be familiar to you, 1 Corinthians chapter 11; 1 Corinthians chapter 11 - and this is a very interesting portion of Scripture. I’m not going to dig down into it, I’ve covered it; you can read the notes in the Study Bible and it covers the details of it. You can read the Commentary on 1 Corinthians, and it’s even more detailed there. But I just want you to get a sense of what this passage says, so let me read, starting in verse 3: “I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman.”

And I want to just stop there and say head is a very important term – kephalēin the Greek, kephalē. There are people who say - feminists who say - that that doesn’t mean authority; it does not mean authority, it means origin, they say, or source. That that’s going back to creation and saying that since woman was taken out of the side of man, man is the source of woman. Listen, Wayne Grudem did a study of the word kephalē in the history of the Greek language, and every time it doesn’t speak of a specific task - like the head waiter - every time it is used in terms of relationship, it always means authority; always.

It never means anything else; certainly not origin. So, Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ. God exercises His rule over Christ in His humiliation and incarnation, Christ exercises His authority and rule over us, and men the same over women. And then he goes into illustrating this: “Every man who has something on his head while praying or prophesying disgraces his head.”

Apparently, in that culture, women wore a covering on their head as a sign of their submission; that’s been true for centuries, in ancient times and some places even today. In the Arab world, women are still covered as a sign of their submission, so for a man to put on something that covered his head would be to disgrace his head, because in that culture, women did that; men didn’t do that. They didn’t put a scarf on their head the way women have done.

You know, the Jews got this a little bit confused, and you have men today that wear a little cap on their heads because of a misinterpretation of Old Testament Scripture. On the other hand, every woman who has her head uncovered - and there were two kinds of women in ancient times that did that: protesting women and prostituting women, feminists and harlots. They had a Feminist Movement back in Corinth. When women uncover their heads, that is equally wrong, and some in the church must have been doing it.

They were uncovering their heads while praying or speaking, and it disgraced them to do that. It would just be like someone with a shaved head; and we know from history that women who were feminists shaved their heads as a protest. “If a woman doesn’t cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off” - or her head shaved – “let her cover her head.” In other words, the ultimate disgrace would be to shave your head, but it’s also a disgrace to take the covering off in that society, so leave the covering on, and he goes on to talk about that further.

Verse 11 - we can pick it up there – well, verse 10: The woman has “a symbol of authority on her head”, and “because of the angels”? Yes, the angels want to see the woman in submission because that’s God’s design, and they want God’s will done. “In the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.” In other words, there’s a mutual relationship that they share - there’s that mutual submission - but there is nonetheless the authority. “The woman originates from the man, the man has his birth through the woman, and all things originate from God.”

For while there is mutuality and God is over all, and while we have authority over the woman, we come from a woman, which speaks of our mutuality. Nonetheless the man is the head of the woman, as Christ is the head of the man, and God is the head of Christ. That’s enough out of that passage; as I said, if you want a lot more detail, there’s more to be found in other sources. Now, I want you to look at Titus, because I want to give you the complete picture - Titus chapter 2.

This is an emphatic statement that will broaden a little bit our understanding of what it means to submit to the man, or the husband; a very relevant passage. In Titus chapter 2, Titus is giving instruction on relationships in the church. He talks about older men, older women, younger men, younger women, and that’s the theme in this second chapter; talks about slaves and how they submit to their masters, so it’s about those relationships, very much like Colossians and Ephesians.

But notice in verse 3: “Older women are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good.” Okay now, women are to teach; they’re to teach what is good, and just exactly what does that refer to? It refers to “encouraging the young women” - the next generation – “to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure” - and then this - “workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands.” And what’s at stake? “So that the Word of God will not be dishonored.”

A generation of so-called Christian women who take a feminist approach and reject the calling of God to be subject to their own husbands, and to love their children, and be keepers at home, undermine the Word of God; they undermine the Scripture. They say to the world, “Not all of it matters.” And if not all of it matters, then you can pick and choose what to reject, and the Word of God is undermined.

Now, let’s just pick out a couple of things here, out of all of this. Older women, mature women, godly women, reverent women, are to encourage young women to love their husbands – philandros, husband-lovers - encourage them to be husband lovers, to love their husbands, and to be children-lovers – philoteknos  and philondros, husband-lovers, children-lovers - one word in the Greek; one word. And then, beyond that, “to be subject to their own husbands” – here, the word is an interesting word - to be really submissive, in the sense that you line up under again.

It’s not - some of the translations say obedient, but it’s not hupakouō, which means to be obedient; it’s to rank yourself under; so, whether you’re talking about Ephesians, Colossians, 1 Peter, Titus, you’re going to get the same verb. The term is translated in Ephesians as submit, as we saw in verse 21, in a general sense. So, the pattern here is that young women are to be husband-lovers and children-lovers, and the instruction is that which is consistent with God’s design for women, to the degree that in 1 Timothy 5, Paul says if there are young widows, tell them to get married and fulfill this God-ordained and God-blessed privilege.

Then also - you can’t leave this out - they are to be workers at home; workers at home. What does that mean? That means what it says: workers at home, home workers. God must have written that for our day, when millions and millions and millions of women are working mothers outside the home. Millions of them have young children. In fact, the statistics of the number of women who work outside the home and have children under three is staggering - it’s something like a third of all mothers with children under three, work outside the home.

You wonder why there are delinquents? This is a very fascinating term, workers at home – oikourgos, from ergo, to work; and oikos, home - work at home. Your task is at home. A woman’s task, a woman’s work, a woman’s employment, a woman’s calling, is to be at home. I mentioned 1 Timothy 5, and I think it’s verse 14: “I want younger” – widows, of course, implied here, but it touches, then, all women - “to get married. Younger women get married - that’s where I got my introduction. Get married. Bear children. You hate this: keep house.

That’s what it says: get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no cause, no occasion, for reproach. A married woman is in a safer place, a more spiritually beneficial place, a more protected place; and she must care for her husband - it’s a more selfless place - and she must care for her children - and it’s again more selfless. This isn’t hard to figure out. This is a divine principle. Abandoning children to work outside the home is a violation of Scripture.

You say, “Well, my kids aren’t home while I’m at work.” That’s not the point. That doesn’t change the obligation, because they went to school. It’s the home that you prepare when they aren’t there that makes the home a home. If you arrive when they arrive and leave when they leave, it’s unlikely that the home will be the kind of home the children need. Working women contribute to lost children, delinquent children, children who have lack of proper understanding of God-ordained roles in the home, terrible decline, drugs; we don’t even talk about the working woman phenomenon of adultery and divorce.

And for a woman to be the breadwinner? You say, “Well, our house payment requires two jobs; we both have to work.” Then get another house and have a family. In fact, for men, 1 Timothy 5:8 says, “If anyone” - meaning a man – “doesn’t provide for his own, especially for those of his household, he’s denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” The point is the man is the provider, and the protector, and the security, and the woman is there to care for the children and the home. Working outside removes her from under her husband and puts her under other men, to whom she is forced to submit.

And I’m just talking in very specific terms; as specific as Scripture, no more, no less, and I know in your mind, you’re wondering, “Well, what about this, and what about that, and what about this?” Is there any room for doing something part-time, serving in a ministry? Of course; of course. When you read Proverbs 31, you know that that lady had all kinds of things going, but the home was the base, the center, and the focus of all of it.

She’d go a long way to get food cheaper. She worked hard with her hands to make garments and things for her family, and also to provide for other people who had need. She was so enterprising she bought a field; she was doing real estate on the side. But it was all about the home, and from the home, and for the home, and this is the standard that God has ordained; and we’re a long way from it, aren’t we? Speaking of the Proverbs 31 woman, we can’t do this without at least looking at that passage for just a moment.

“An excellent wife” - verse 10 - “who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.” And what is the first thing that makes her valuable? You can trust her. You can trust her with your money, you can trust her with your children, you can trust her with your possessions – listen - you can trust her with your reputation. You can trust in her purity, you can trust in her character. “The heart of her husband trusts in her, she’ll have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

“She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight. She’s like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar.” I don’t think they had coupons in those days, but if they had, she’d have had a little bag of those, and she’d go wherever she needed to, to get the best price. “She rises also while it is still night to prepare food for her household, portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings plants a vineyard.

“She girds herself with strength and her arms are strong. She senses that her gain is good; and her lamp doesn’t go out at night.” She gets up before daybreak and she goes to bed after the sun has gone down, and it’s all for the family. “She stretches out her hand to the distaff” - that’s weaving thread - “her hands grasp the spindle” - she has to make her own cloth. “She extends her generous hand to the poor, stretches out her hands to the needy. She’s not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her family are clothed with scarlet.

“She makes coverings for herself; and her clothing is fine linen and purple.” Yes, she adorns herself in a beautiful way and even with her children. “Her husband is known in the gates” - and he’s known as her husband – “when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, she smiles at the future.” Why? She’s prepared for it. “She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and doesn’t eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying, ‘Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” That’s what everyone would want in a marriage, right? Children who rise up and call you blessed, a husband who praises you? “Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”

Enterprising, clever, energetic, compassionate, kind, works well with her hands, artistic; all those things are true of her, but the home is the focus of all of it. This is God’s design for women, who are intended to be married, and who are married. So, that is the matter of submission, now the manner of submission; that is the matter of submission, now the manner of submission. “As” - back to Ephesians 5:22 – “as to the Lord”; “as to the Lord”. Your husband stands to you in the place of Christ.

Do you remember that the Scripture says very simply that when you receive another believer, you receive Jesus Christ - Matthew 18? When another believer comes to you, you receive Christ in that believer? Well, that is particularly true of a husband. The husband is Christ to a wife in a sense, a kind of a delegated authority; that’s why Sarah called Abraham lord, because God had delegated to Abraham authority. Your husband stands in the marriage and in the family in the place of Christ; that’s the highest point of reference.

That is the manner of submission. How would you submit to Christ? That’s how you submit to your husband because he is - in that union, that Christian marriage - as Christ to you. What about the motive for submission? The manner: “as to the Lord”; the motive is in the next verse: “For the husband is the head of the wife”; “for the husband is the head of the wife”. That’s simply the illustration from the human anatomy. The head controls the body, the body submits to the head, or you have uncontrollable behavior.

When the body can’t pick up the signals from the brain, you know what results: disability, malfunction. And the home where the body - meaning the wife - does not submit to the head is chaotic. But this is how it is in the fall, according to Genesis 3:16; the woman fights against that authority, remember that? She wants to lord it over her husband and he fights to suppress that; that’s the conflict in a fallen relationship. That is overcome in Christ, because now the woman sees her husband as the delegated authority in her life, delegated by Christ Himself, and she submits to him as head.

Then there’s harmony, then there’s order, and there’s beauty in the relationship; so that’s the motive: because you are the body and he is the head. What about the model? The model of this submission is given then in verse 23: “as Christ is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. And as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” A wife is to be submissive to her husband, following the model of the church’s submission to Christ.

I really don’t think any Christian would argue that the church is to submit to Christ; anybody want to argue that? You read through the feminist literature that wants to overturn all of this, and you won’t find anybody - any evangelical - saying, “Well, the church doesn’t have to submit to Christ at all.” Well, then if the church is to submit to Christ, then the wife is to submit to her husband, because that’s what it uses as the analogy, the model.

What kind of leadership does Christ give the church? Loving leadership, loving direction, protection, safety, security, strength, provision, and the church loves Him for all that He is and all that He provides. He goes so far as to say he is the savior of the body, the church; the church submits itself to Him because He’s the Savior. He’s not the head in a dictatorial sense, He’s not the head in a domineering sense, He’s the head in a delivering sense, a rescuing sense, a protective sense.

He’s the Savior, and that’s the model that the husband and the wife must see. The wife submits to her husband, not in the sense that he’s a dictator, not in the sense that he’s domineering, not in the sense that he’s authoritarian, but in the sense that he is the protector, the provider, the preserver, the savior. “I’ll save you from want,” the husband says. “I’ll save you from need. I’ll save you from danger. I’ll save you from illness. I’ll save you from disaster. I’m here to be your rescuer, your protector, your preserver, your savior.”

So, the apostle Paul is saying that the wife must recognize that in the husband’s capacity as head, he is closely united to her in one flesh, and he is deeply concerned about her needs; her relationship to him is as a believer’s relationship to Christ. She views him as her spiritual guardian, her spiritual protector, her source of safety, and blessing, and provision. To extend it even more, Jesus is our Savior because He sacrificed Himself for us, right? And a woman should look at her husband and see one who would make any sacrifice for her well-being; that is what women are looking for, and that is what men must offer.

Christ's relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" (see Ephesians 5:24-27).

Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband's relationship with his wife similar to Christ's relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave "under the law"? Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife "under the law," and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (see Romans 4:15; Galatians 5:4).

Freedom is one issue that needs to be examined; grace is another. Is the husband's relationship with his wife full of grace and unconditional love? Is she in a position of "no condemnation" as the church is (see Romans 8:1), or does her husband fail to "wash her" of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting, she and her husband do not have a grace-filled Christian marriage; they have a marriage "under the law."

Often, in these situations, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that either is hurtful or takes away her will. Both of these actions are sins against himself. "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church" (see Ephesians 5:28-29).

Given this, the idea of slave-like submission is impossible to hold. Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits. He never uses us as objects. Christ "gave himself up" for us. He takes care of us as he would his own body.

I have never seen a "submission problem" that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries in marriage, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior. She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up.

The Wisdom of Ephesians 5 

Ephesians 5 holds a tremendous amount of wisdom for us when it comes to submission. For the rest of our time together today, we are going to explore Ephesians 5:18-33. So, grab your Bible if you haven’t already done so and let’s dive in. 

Let’s begin by taking a look at Ephesians 5:18-21 together:

Listing out things Christians should and should not be doing, Paul says, “18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (ESV). 

There are two main lines of interpretation when it comes to the command in this passage to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” 

First, Christians are to express mutual submission to one another without any type of societal role or order distinction established by God. Second, Christians are to submit respectively to one another based on the roles God has established within society.

I personally believe the Lord has entrusted and called both men and women to different roles. I also believe men and women are equal in the eyes of the Lord. I think the flow of Paul’s argument here–how he moves immediately in Ephesians 5:22-6:9 to describe what submission looks between wives and husbands, children and parents, and slaves and masters—illustrates that he sees a God-designed order in society for who ought to submit to whom.

I wholeheartedly believe men and women are to both first submit to the Holy Spirit in order to successfully fulfill the roles God has entrusted to us. With this in mind and the passage we have here in Ephesians from Paul, I believe wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. 

Even if you disagree with me, I would argue that it’s important to listen to different theological beliefs understandings. Because at the end of the day, all I want is to know what’s true. And I hope the same is true for you. One of the beautiful ways of accomplishing this is to humbly listen to one another even in the midst of disagreement for the sake of unity and edification.

That being said, let’s go ahead and take a look at Ephesians 5:22-33

“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Here is what we just read: wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. In doing so, we demonstrate respect before the Lord, a desire to obey God and submit to His ways over our own, and a longing to live our lives from a place of worship and awe for Him. 

Hebrews 12:28-29 sums it up well: “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ’God is a consuming fire’” (ESV). 

Proverbs 1:7 also tells us, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge” (ESV).

Sister, wisdom from the Lord begins when we fear the Lord and live in awe of Him; when we live in submission to the Holy Spirit. Not when we live out of the great misunderstanding that we are to submit to our husbands in order to be enslaved to their ways. This is not biblical. The act of submission is beautiful and God-glorifying from the start, and there is nothing unfortunate or threatening about that. God would never command those who belong to Him to do anything harmful. He knows what is best for us. He loves us and wants the things that lead to His glory and our flourishing in Him.

What Does “Submission” Actually Mean?

When we do a deep dive with this word, submit, we learn that it means “to be under in rank.” 

This is a military word that speaks to the ways in which armies are organized among levels of rank. Like generals and colonels and majors and captains and sergeants and privates, and so forth. 

Let’s break this down further.

As a person, a private can be smarter than a general. But he is still under rank to the general. 

And the takeaway from this is that submission itself does not have anything to do with someone being smarter or more talented. Wives can certainly be smarter and more talented than their husbands. In fact, there are many who are. But the biblical call to submission has to do with a God-appointed order. An order that is good and right because He declared it so. It has nothing to do with how smart or talented one may be. And that’s the difference between how the world views submission compared to how God has ordained it to be. It’s not about one’s value or ability, but the Father’s order and authority. 

Sister, please hear me when I say that loving leadership from a husband and submission from a wife reflect God’s good plan for His people.

“As to the Lord”

Verse 22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” 

The words “As to the Lord,” are incredibly significant here. And it refers to the motive of the wife’s submission. Meaning, part of a wife’s duty to the Lord is to submit to her husband in such a way that honors God and demonstrates her respect for and obedience to Him. It means the very motive of a wife’s submission must first, always and only be obedience and respect to Jesus. The ability for a wife to properly fulfill her role of submitting to her husband can only come from her submission to Christ himself. From there she is able to offer her husband the obedience and respect he deserves. And the same goes for the husband. In order to love his wife like he loves himself, his motive must first, always and only be submission to the Holy Spirit. 

Submission in Marriage

It is important to note here that submission does not mean inferiority. Nor does it mean silence. Nor does it mean that we are not entitled to our own opinions. With this understanding, we can more clearly see that submission is a sign of strength and honor, not weakness. When we choose to submit to our husbands, it is because we desire to honor the Lord’s purpose for marriage. To reflect Jesus and His church. 

The church is the bridegroom of Christ. She yields herself to Jesus through a loving and trusting act of submission. This is the same model for a Christian wife. As she yields herself to the Word of God, she reflects the church body’s submission to Jesus. A wife’s act of submission is a beautiful demonstration and declaration of the Gospel.

I love the way Enduring Word Commentary describes submission:“There is a mission for the Christian marriage, and that mission is obeying and glorifying God. The wife says, ‘I’m going to put myself under that mission. That mission is more important than my individual desires. I’m not putting myself below my husband, I’m putting myself below the mission God has for our marriage, for my life.’”

How beautifully put this is! In submitting to our husbands, we are not putting ourselves below them as if we are inferior and not near as worthy in the eyes of God. Rather, we are putting ourselves below the mission God has for marriage. A husband and wife are equal in the eyes of the Lord, but the roles are different. And because He has ordained it in this light, we can rejoice that the act of submission is a good and right thing! 

Women Are to Be Loved By Their Husbands

The beauty of biblical submission is that it allows the wife to confidently follow her husband’s lead. Ephesians 5:23 (ESV), which says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior,” makes it clear that a man does have responsibility for leadership in his home. But it is only as a leader that the wife submits to her husband — not as a tyrant or her superior.

A husband should always lead with love! The biblical call to leadership for a husband does not include the freedom to mock or belittle his wife for her thoughts and feelings. This is an abuse of his leadership and it should never be used in this way. Obviously, we are not perfect and mocking or smarting off to one another will likely happen in marriage. That said, the goal should always remain the same. That is, to love and point one another to Christ through our marital roles and responsibilities. It is good and right for husbands to lead with love; to include the wife in decision-making and to be intentional in considering her perspectives with wisdom and respect. 

Scripture is clear about God’s design for marriage, but it never suggests that one spouse is more important or valuable than the other. In the eyes of God, men and women have equal worth but different roles. 

Let me say this again: In the eyes of God, men and women have equal worth but different roles.

When a husband and wife discover and embrace how God has uniquely wired them to work in harmony and complement one another in submission, they exhibit the love that exists between Christ and His bride. How beautiful this is! 

Actively practicing submission does not mean we won’t have opinions of our own. We certainly will, and that’s not a bad thing. Having our own opinions and ideas about issues, even if they differ from our husband’s, can be quite beneficial and edifying to conversations with our husbands. Genesis 2:18 (ESV), which says, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone;I will make him a helper fit for him,’” reminds us that we are to be our husband’s help-meet, not his doormat. Meaning, our opinions, encouragement, wisdom, and advice can, and oftentimes will be invaluable to our husbands. That said, actively practicing submission looks like expressing our opinions and ideas with respect and without making our husbands feel less than or belittled. In submission to the Lord first and foremost, we are able to humbly submit to our husbands and retain this very humility in our conversations and decision-making. 

The Reality of Leadership & Submission

If you were to see into the heart of my marriage with Michael, you would certainly not see perfection. But you would find like-mindedness. You would find a loving husband who is working on leading his family to the best of his ability and a wife who is doing her best to support, encourage and affirm him as he does so. 

You would also see failure, disagreements and the occasional bickering. Soon after, though, you would see apologies and forgiveness. 

Ultimately, you would find two people who are doing their best to live as one flesh by submitting to the marital roles God has ordained. You would see just how much they desire and seek to rely on His strength and grace in order to do just that.

My dear sister, a wife’s submission and a husband’s loving leadership combined shape a marriage into an incredibly beautiful and God-honoring thing. I’m so thankful I am married to a man who fulfills his leadership role in a way that points me to Christ and I pray that, in my role of submitting to him, he, too, is pointed to Christ.

What Submission is Not 

All of that being said, there are certainly exceptions to the role of submission. By this, I am referring to when things are not as they should be. 

From her desire to submit to her husband, a wife recognizes her responsibility first belongs to the Lord. From submission to the Holy Spirit comes wisdom. This is the same wisdom we are to encourage our husbands with. And this is the same wisdom our husbands should be leading with. 

That said, if a husband asks his wife to do something that goes against God’s Word, the wife is not obligated to listen to her husband. Nor should she. Our allegiance first belongs to Christ. In addition, a wife should also recognize her act of submission should reflect the truth that her hope lies in God, not her husband. Husbands are not our saving grace. Christ alone is. 

Let me reiterate that…

God is the ultimate authority in all things- not our husbands. And we must not forget that.

Let me end with this: if you or someone you know is married to an abusive husband, this husband is disobeying Christ. Colossians 3:19 orders husbands to, “love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Further, as we read in Ephesians 5:28-29, they are to, “love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.

Women are not commanded to submit to their husbands because God ensures that men will be just or loving.  When a woman submits unto her husband, she is actually submitting unto God (Ephesians 5:22).  A woman, therefore, does not submit because her husband deserves it in his own merit- she submits because she knows it is pleasing to her Lord.  There will be times when a woman needs to submit, and her husband does not deserve it from a human perspective.  But by divine right, God set the man as the leader and a woman can trust that God is good.  She can also know that nothing escapes God’s notice, and a wicked man will be held accountable for his actions.

When a wife submits to her husband, she does not try to take leadership from him.  From the beginning of time, the woman has tried to take leadership from the man- and man has often gladly given it away (Genesis 3).  Some scholars believe that Genesis 3:16refers to Eve’s new sin drive to override her husband’s headship, which has continued down the line of women.  Women use many tactics to try taking control of leadership, including nagging, deception, and manipulation.  This always results in sin and often, sorrowful consequences (Genesis 27).  When a woman resorts to these tactics, she is trying to usurp God’s good design of relationship roles.  If a woman is to practice biblical submission, she must first learn to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty.

However, a submissive wife is not relegated to idly sitting by while her husband makes all the family decisions.  In a healthy marriage, husband and wife work as a team.  When a decision cannot be jointly agreed upon, the leader makes it, knowing he is responsible foremost unto God for that decision.  In these circumstances, or in a decision that the husband must make alone, a submissive wife is not overstepping her boundaries by offering counsel. Biblical submission need not mean silent passivity. But she must learn to do it in a way that shows respect for his God-given position as head of the family.  A submissive woman also offers abundant encouragement, understanding that making decisions is a heavy responsibility on a man’s shoulders.

Some women are not satisfied with this.  They want to be in charge.  But realistically, marriage cannot work this way.  Unity requires a relational structure.  We see this pattern in other relationships.  But submission is never a sign of value.  Jesus submitted to the will of His Father (Matthew 26:39).  It would be heresy to say that Jesus is of lesser value than the Father.  They are One, and Jesus cannot be of lesser value.  His submission had nothing to do with His value—it had to do with God-ordained structure.  It is the same with husband and wife.  Biblical submission does not in any way imply the inferiority of nature or value.

Biblical submission takes humility.  It also takes a lot of prayer and reliance on the Holy Spirit.  But so does Godly leadership.  Women can look unto Jesus as an example, and reflect His love and Self-sacrifice as they lovingly choose to submit unto the husband God has placed in their life.

First, Sarah Had to Submit to Abraham

Consider who Sarah submitted to: Abraham. It might be tempting for women to say, “I wouldn’t have any trouble submitting to my husband if I was married to Abraham!” While Abraham was indeed one of the greatest men of faith in Scripture, the truth is that being his wife was difficult. God’s call on Abraham’s life required him to leave a comfortable city life in Ur to become a wandering nomad (Genesis 12:1-5; Hebrews 11:8-10). How many places did Abraham and Sarah live? How many times did they have to move?

In addition, Abraham made some foolish decisions. Twice he told Sarah to say she was his sister instead of his wife because he was afraid someone coveting her beauty might murder him in order to seize Sarah. He was willing to endanger his wife to protect himself:

[Abraham] said to Sarai his wife, “Indeed I know that you are a woman of beautiful countenance. Therefore it will happen, when the Egyptians see you, that they will say, ‘This is his wife’; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake, and that I may live because of you” (Genesis 12:11-13; see Genesis 20:2 for the second instance).

As a result, Sarah ended up in a pagan king’s harem twice, which must have been terrifying for her. Worse yet, Abraham didn’t do anything to save her. In contrast, when his nephew Lot was captured, he organized a war party to rescue him:

When Abram heard that [Lot] was taken captive, he armed his three hundred and eighteen trained servants…and he and his servants attacked them…and also brought back his brother Lot and his goods, as well as the women and the people (Genesis 14:14-16).

How would that make a wife feel? Far from being a strong, brave husband to whom it would be easy to submit and follow, at times Abraham was a cowardly, compromising husband. More than likely, Peter chose Sarah as an example for wives because of how difficult and terrifying it was at times for her to submit to Abraham.

Second, Sarah Didn’t Always Submit Perfectly

Sarah was not always a picture of submission and faith. If Sarah had been the perfect submissive Christian wife, it would be discouraging for women to think they needed to emulate her. But Sarah had her own struggles. We know that she failed to trust God when she convinced Abraham to fulfill God’s promise of a son and heir through her handmaid Hagar. Sarah sought to control her husband, and the result ended up being a disaster on several levels. She also failed when God visited Abraham to tell him she would have a child the following year at age 90. Sarah laughed because of her lack of faith, and then she lied when God confronted her about it (Genesis 18:12-15).

In light of these incidents, we could almost wonder why Sarah was chosen as an example of a submissive Christian wife, but Peter tells us the answer: “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord” (1 Peter 3:6). Despite Sarah’s mistakes, for the most part, she was a woman who respected her husband and submitted to him. The title “lord” was used often in the Old Testament to show reverence for someone. The closest comparable English expression would be addressing a man as sir. This doesn’t mean today’s wives need to address their husband as “lord,” but the principle still applies that God calls wives to respect and submit to their husbands in the same way Sarah did to Abraham.

A Submissive Christian Wife Will Submit When She Fears

The final part of 1 Peter 3:6 offers wives a special title. They can be identified as “[Sarah’s] daughters” if they “do good and are not afraid with any terror.” The Greek word translated “terror” is ptoesis:

• In Luke 21:9, Jesus used the verb form when He told His disciples, “When you hear of wars and commotions, do not be terrified [ptoeo].”
• In Luke 24:37, the adjective form is used when Jesus appeared to the disciples after His resurrection and “they were terrified [ptoeo] and frightened, and supposed they had seen a spirit.”

Terror is stronger than ordinary worries, anxieties, or even fears. Terror is what people feel on a plane about to crash, or when a doctor announces they have cancer, or when they receive a call that one of their children has been in an accident. And apparently, terror is also what wives might feel when it comes to submitting to their husbands! A submissive Christian wife today probably won’t experience the same terror that Sarah experienced when she ended up in a king’s harem, but there are still plenty of legitimate terrors a woman may face when she submits to her husband. She may find herself asking,

• “What happens if this decision ruins our family?”
• “What happens if he is unable to pay these bills?”
• “What happens if we can’t afford to eat?”
• “What happens if he shouldn’t take this job?”
• “What happens if we move there and it ends up being a disaster?”

How can wives be “Sarah’s daughters” and handle the terror they experience when they submit to their husbands? They can consider Sarah’s example and how she handled the terror she felt while submitting to Abraham, and how the other holy women of God handled the terror they felt when they submitted to their husbands. We are told they “trusted in God…being submissive to their own husbands” (1 Peter 3:5). Sarah was able to submit to Abraham’s poor decisions because she trusted God and believed He was in control.

Godly Wives Submit Because They Trust God

It’s important to notice why Sarah and the other holy women of the Old Testament submitted to their husbands. It wasn’t because they trusted their husbands, thought they were perfect, or expected them to make the right decisions. They submitted because they “trusted God.” A wife’s submission to her husband has less to do with her relationship with her husband and more to do with her relationship with the Lord. A woman’s trust in God combats the fear—or terror— she experiences when she submits to her husband.

In marriage counseling sessions, I often hear women say, “It would be easier for me to submit to my husband if I could trust him,” or “I do trust God. I just don’t trust my husband.” A wife is not expected to submit to her husband because she trusts him. Rather, she is expected to submit because she trusts God. When a wife submits to her husband, she is showing she trusts God. Conversely, when a wife does not submit, she is showing she does not trust God. Why is this the case? God is the one who commands wives to submit to their husbands. When wives obey God in this way, they are showing that they trust the one who gave them the command.

Reading both accounts of Abraham asking Sarah to say that she was his sister should be a great encouragement for women because they reveal Sarah’s trust was well placed. God protected her and kept her captors from consummating a relationship with her:

• Genesis 12:17—“The Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram’s wife.”
• Genesis 20:3—“God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, ‘Indeed you are a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man’s wife.’”

In both instances, Sarah was rescued from captivity and her deliverance came from God’s direct intervention. In the end, Sarah’s submission produced blessing not just for her but for her husband as well:

Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. And Abimelek said, “My land is before you; live wherever you like.” To Sarah he said, “I am giving your brother a thousand shekels of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated” (Genesis 20:14-16 NIV).

Sarah experienced difficult circumstances because of her submission to Abraham, but God vindicated her, and blessed her and her husband as a result.

A Submissive Christian Wife Can Be Encouraged by Sarah’s Example of Trusting God

Wives should keep Sarah’s example in mind when they fear their husband is making a wrong decision. This isn’t to say that God will bless every wife’s submission the same way He blessed Sarah’s, but a wife can keep two things in mind: First, just as God was in control of Sarah’s circumstances, He is in control of the wife’s circumstances. Second, just as He worked through Sarah’s submission to bring about the best end, He will work through the wife’s submission to bring about the best end.

A Submissive Christian Wife Can Be Encouraged by Jesus’s Example of Trusting God

Wives should also be encouraged by Jesus’s example, because He, too, submitted by trusting God. In Hebrews 2:13, He said, “I will put My trust in Him,” and 1 Peter 2:23 (NIV) says Jesus “entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” Just as wives must put themselves in God’s hands, Jesus put Himself in His Father’s hands.

These verses reveal how much Jesus fully identified with us at the incarnation. The reality of His humanity was demonstrated by going so far as to also live by faith: “Although Jesus was Himself God and omnipotent, in His humiliation and in His human nature here on earth He depended on God in complete trust.”1When wives struggle to trust God, they can find encouragement in Jesus as a role model because He, too, relied upon God during His earthly life.

A Submissive Christian Wife Keeps Her Strength Under Control

Submission involves trusting God and overcoming fear (and even terror). This reveals two things about women who submit: They’re spiritually strong, and they’re brave.

Contrary to what culture says, submission is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it’s a sign of strength. Submission isn’t a sign of faithlessness, but of faithfulness. The failure to submit to the husband—and ultimately, to the Lord—reveals weakness and fear. The willingness to submit reveals a strong, godly woman filled with faith.

Let me share a story that illustrates this point. The summer after I finished eighth grade, my parents flew me from California to upstate New York to work on my uncle’s dairy farm. Being 13 years old and having no friends in the area, I had to find things to do to entertain myself. My uncle had a bull that stood at the end of the barn staring straight ahead all day. One day I thought it would be fun to try to get him to move. As I stood before the bull, he brought his head up underneath me and launched me into the air. Think of a cowboy thrown off a bull during a rodeo, and you have the correct imagery. Fortunately, the barn’s ceiling was high, so I did not slam into it, but I did come crashing down onto the cement floor.

A man who worked on the farm saw what happened and ran to me. He screamed, “You could have gotten yourself killed! Do you see that little chain around the bull’s neck? That’s all that’s holding him there. He could break it at any moment!”

My first thought was, They need to put a bigger chain around the bull’s neck! My second thought was, That bull has so much strength, but he allows himself to be subdued by so little.

Submission is a choice; it is voluntary and deliberate. Husbands know a wife can choose to rebel rather than submit. A wife can “break” her husband’s headship, “launch him into the air,” and send him crashing back down to earth. When a wife chooses to willingly submit to her husband, she is exhibiting great strength that is subdued and kept under control.

The Premier Demonstration of Strength Under Control

Think of the immense strength Jesus had that allowed Him to control demons and nature: “With authority and power He commands the unclean spirits, and they come out…He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him!” (Luke 4:36; 8:25). Compare that to what Jesus said when a mob came to arrest Him and Peter took out his sword to defend Him: “Put your sword [away]…do you think that I cannot now pray to My Father, and He will provide Me with more than twelve legions of angels?” (Matthew 26:52-53). Jesus had immense power and authority at His disposal, but He subdued it so that He could “[lay] down his life for us” (1 John 3:16). Nobody took Jesus’s life from Him:

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep…As the Father knows Me, even so I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep…Therefore My Father loves Me, because I lay down My life that I may take it again. No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father…Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends (John 10:11,15,17-18; 15:13).

Nobody has ever had greater power, authority, and strength than Jesus, but He kept it under control so that He could die for our sins. When wives struggle to keep their strength under control, they should be encouraged by Jesus’s example.

Husbands Are Going to Make Wrong Decisions

The fear (or terror) a wife can experience when she submits to her husband comes from realizing the possible consequences if it turns out he has made a wrong decision. After reading up to this point, a wife might be tempted to ask, “If I am supposed to submit to my husband because God commands it and I should trust Him, then doesn’t this mean God will also make sure my husband makes the right decision?” Because we humans are fallen and imperfect creatures, the inevitable reality is that a husband will sometimes make a wrong decision even as his wife chooses to submit to him. Sarah is a good example. She submitted to Abraham when he made a wrong decision—on more than one occasion.

That brings us to our next questions: How should a husband respond when he realizes he has made a wrong decision? And how should a wife respond?

How Husbands Should Respond

A husband who makes a wrong decision should acknowledge his mistake without making excuses. If he wants to be his wife’s hero, he should admit, “You were right, and I was wrong.” If he deliberately did not listen to his wife because he was being prideful and stubborn, he should realize those are sinful attitudes and say, “I am sorry. Will you please forgive me? I was being prideful and stubborn.”

When a husband responds this way, these are the positive results:

• He blesses his wife.
• He encourages his wife to submit to him in the future.
• He sets a good example for his wife and children. Husbands need to lead not only by making decisions for the family, but also by the example they set.

Earlier in chapter 9, we looked at how a husband’s behavior can influence the way his wife and children act:

• If a husband makes excuses, justifies himself, or blames his wife or children, he will likely end up with a wife and children who follow his example and make excuses, justify themselves, and blame others.
• If a husband humbles himself, takes responsibility for his actions, admits when he is wrong, and asks for forgiveness, he will encourage his wife and children to accept responsibility for their actions, admit when they are wrong, and ask for forgiveness.

Telling Katie, “I am sorry. You were right, and I was wrong.”

Let me give a personal example. When Katie and I moved to Washington, I decided to rent our California house to a woman we knew. Katie told me, “Do not rent to that woman. She is not going to take care of our home.” I rented to her anyway, and soon she invited her boyfriend to move in with her. Even though we had stipulated they were not supposed to have pets, they ended up bringing eight dogs and four cats into the home. The neighbors on both sides called me in Washington to complain about the barking and garbage. I received letters from the city threatening to fine me if the messes outside were not cleaned up.

When the woman’s lease was up, Katie said, “Thankfully she’ll finally be out.” I, however, decided to try to recoup some of our losses by extending the woman’s rental agreement. Katie thought I was crazy. The realty company that was handling the property advised me to take legal action to have the woman’s wages garnished. I chose not to because the woman claimed to be a Christian and Scripture forbids taking fellow believers to court (1 Corinthians 6:5-7). Because a lack of rental payments meant no income for the realty company, they were upset with me too. By the time the woman, her children, her boyfriend, and their animals moved out, the house was trashed. I had lost thousands of dollars in rent, and I had to pay thousands of dollars in repairs so we could make the house inhabitable again.

There were several excuses I could have given Katie to justify my actions: “She was a family friend and single mother. I wanted to help her. There was no way of knowing this would happen.” (Even though Katie seemed to know!) Ultimately, though, there was only one correct response: “I am sorry. You were right, and I was wrong.”

How Wives Should Not Respond

A wife must resist two temptations when she willingly submits to her husband and he ends up being wrong. First, she may find herself thinking, I knew it was going to turn out this way. I should have kept arguing with him. If I hadn’t submitted to him, this never would’ve happened. I’m never going to submit to him again! Wives must instead remind themselves that they were still right for making the choice to submit.

Second, she will find herself tempted to say these four little words: “I told you so!” Whether these words come from a wife, husband, child, parent, pastor, friend, or anyone else, they are always fleshly, prideful, and obnoxious. A vindictive attitude will only do damage to a marriage relationship, whereas forgiveness will bring healing and hopefully motivate the husband to be more careful when he makes decisions.

Responding Rightly to Wrong Decisions

If a husband genuinely considers his wife’s feedback and is truly prayerful as he makes a decision he believes is best for his family, should he be made to feel bad if his decision turns out to be a mistake? No.

The reality is that when a husband has made an effort to be spiritually right before God and has the best of intentions for his family yet still makes a wrong decision, more than likely he already feels bad enough about what he has done. At this point, what a husband needs most is his wife’s encouragement and grace. When a husband has the humility to admit he was wrong, a submissive Christian wife should say, “Thank you for saying that. We all make mistakes. You did what you thought was best.”

Now, obviously, some husbands do not have the humility to admit they have made a wrong decision. Even then a submissive Christian wife should resist the urge to tell her husband, “I told you so.” Instead, she should pray for God to convict her husband of his stubbornness or pride and grant him humility and repentance.

Katie’s Wonderful Response When I Lost My Job

Let me illustrate this point with a situation from my own marriage. When I was teaching elementary school, I learned of another position that would allow me to take better financial care of my family. During the drive to the interview, I prayed God would let me receive the job if that was the best next step for me. Before I left the interview, the position was offered to me, which I took as confirmation that this was God’s will.

The one drawback of accepting the job was that I lost my secure, tenured position at my former district. Soon after, a recession hit, and school districts cut back on new teachers. As a result, even though I had already been teaching almost ten years, I was laid off. I had to go home and tell Katie, who was pregnant at the time, that I had lost not only my job, but our wonderful medical insurance. You can imagine I was feeling terrible about myself and my decision- making. I even felt frustrated with God for letting me take on a job that I would lose so quickly.

At this low point, Katie could have said, “You had a good, secure teaching position. Why didn’t you stick with that? You say that you prayed about this? Next time, pray a little harder! You’re supposed to be the spiritual leader of our family, and your prayers end up with you unemployed? You’re supposed to provide for our family, but you don’t have a job or insurance?”

Here is how Katie responded instead: “I am so excited to see what God is going to do!”

Katie was right. God did have a plan. This is when Grace Baptist, the church where I was working part-time, decided to hire me full-time. Even though they stepped out in faith because the budget was not sufficient to support me, the church grew, and the annual giving exceeded expenses. I will always remember the way God provided and Katie supported me. That was what I needed more than anything else. My wife not only did not make me feel worse about my decision but was a constant encouragement to me.

Conclusion for Husbands and Wives

If you’re a strong Christian husband, when you’re wrong (not if you’re wrong, but when you’re wrong), be humble and admit it. If you were being proud and stubborn, ask for forgiveness. We owe that much to our wives and especially to God.

If you’re a submissive Christian wife, when your husband is wrong, don’t say, “I told you so.” And don’t make him feel worse. Encourage him. Be the helper God designed you to be for him.

Both husband and wife should be submissive and loving. The love of Christ should be the rule in the home. When wifely submission is over-stressed we find it can lead to many problems that cause the husband-wife relationship to be thrown out of balance. Some even stress it to the degree that a wife must obey every command her husband dictates to her. They arrive at this conclusion because of the Scripture, “Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24). The word “everything” here is not inclusive of evil things. Women are to submit to their husbands as the church is to submit unto Christ. Christ would never ask anything of the church that was not according to God’s Word. Women are never to submit unto things that do not line up with God’s Word.

A perfect example of this is the New Testament account of Ananias and Sapphira. Chapter 5 of Acts records the story of how this couple conspired to hold back what they had agreed to give unto the church. The church had not asked them for anything; it was their own decision to contribute the money from the sale of their land. When the land sold, they conspired to keep back a portion of the money. However, when Ananias gave the money to the apostles, he lied and told them it was the full amount. The Holy Spirit revealed this evil lie to Peter and showed him that Satan had entered Ananias’ heart. Because he lied to God, he instantly fell dead at the apostle’s feet. Sapphira, Ananias’ wife, later came along and upon telling the same lie, also fell dead. If she had not submitted to her husband and agreed to this evil, her life would have been spared. However, she followed in her husband’s evil; thus she suffered the same fate. This should show us clearly that to submit to the evil in a husband’s life will only bring destruction upon the woman.

True Submission

If any man, husband or otherwise, would ask us to do something that Jesus would not sanction, then we must refuse to do it. We should also do and apply those things that the Holy Spirit would speak to us to do. We must obey Him over what man would say to us. If it is truly the Lord speaking to us, He will deal with the one who is wrong.

And they called them, and commanded them not to speak at all nor teach in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye. For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard. Acts 4:18-20

If we are submitted unto the Lord and our husband is requiring things of us that we feel are not of the Lord, we should take the matter to the Lord and ask for His wisdom on how to deal with it. We should pray for our husbands and ask the Lord to speak to them if they are in the wrong. However, we should also be willing to be corrected if we are in the wrong. We should ask the Holy Spirit to resolve the conflict and to deal with the party who is wrong, and both should be willing to change an opinion.

The Holy Spirit generally will not ask a woman to do something that would cause her to disobey her husband and thereby cause conflict in her home. Most women who have a problem submitting to their husbands have the same problem submitting to the Lord. Our relationship with the Lord will reflect in our attitudes with not only our husbands and children, but with all others as well. If we please the Lord and obey Him, we will find we will have favor with the people in our lives. And, to those who do not understand us and spitefully use us, we shall have God’s grace to bear their persecution and God’s love toward them to forgive them.

There are several accounts in the Word of God that plainly teach submission to God over submission to husbands. One familiar story is that of Mary, the mother of Christ (Luke 1:26-38; Matthew 1:18-25). She yielded to what God asked her to do without asking Joseph what he thought about it. In fact, he wanted to put her away when he found out she was pregnant. Surely Mary tried to explain to Joseph that this child was conceived by the Holy Ghost, but he could not receive her explanation until the Lord sent an angel to confirm to him that she indeed had heard the Lord. This is a case where a woman submitted to God first, and then the Lord dealt with her husband showing him she had heard the Lord.

All through the Bible we find accounts of God speaking to women before speaking to their husbands. The Apostle Peter speaks of Sarah as a model wife in 1 Peter 3:5-6, “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

Genesis 16:5-6 gives us another side of the picture, for we have here an account of a disagreement between Sarah and Abraham. On this occasion, Abraham conceded and allowed Sarah to have her way. We notice that God justified her for this in Genesis 21:10-12 when the question came up again. God told Abraham to obey Sarah: “…Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac. And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight because of his son. And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.”

When the Scripture speaks of wives obeying and submitting to their husbands, it cannot mean that every wife must obey her husband always in everything. She, as well as he, is responsible to obey what the Spirit gives each to do. The husband does not lead the wife into all truth since this is the work of the Holy Spirit. This does not license a wife who has a domineering spirit to do anything she wants simply because she says she is only subject to the Lord. The Lord is displeased with any person who tries to dominate and rule another’s life, whether that person be male or female. There is nothing worse than a domineering, nagging wife. Proverbs 21:9 expresses it this way, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”

Some women preachers have become very overbearing and bossy; thus it is very distasteful to hear them preach. It is not necessarily what they are preaching that is wrong, but their domineering and dictating spirits are wrong. This kind of spirit is not of the Lord, whether it be in a man or woman.

The main thing for women to do in regard to following and obeying what they feel the Lord is telling them to do is to be sure it is the Lord. If it is the Lord, He will justify them as He did Sarah and other women of the Bible. If it is not the Lord, they will create for themselves a lot of problems, not only with their husbands, but with others as well.

Women who are single are not under any earthly man’s headship since they do not have a flesh relationship with a man. Their head is Jesus Christ and it is this union to which they are subject.

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4

Most Christian women experience two marriages. They are married to Christ and they are married to their husbands. The first is a spiritual marriage, the other an earthly or fleshly marriage. They are to be obedient to both. If they obey their spiritual head, they will not be disobeying their physical head, even if it is against what their husbands command because God will deal with their husbands. Some women are unequally yoked and have difficulty submitting to the desires of their ungodly husbands. They are to obey them as long as it does not mean disobedience to Christ. They are not to obey them if it would be morally or spiritually wrong.

A Biblical account of this can be found in 1 Samuel 25:4-42. Abigail was a woman who knew God. She was the wife of Nabal, an ungodly husband. She realized her husband’s refusal to give gifts unto David’s men endangered her whole household. On her own initiative she took food and rode to meet David. She was a wise woman–by disobeying her husband, she saved his life, for David would have slain him. She saved not only her husband’s life, but also her own and her household’s lives and possessions. She also found favor with David and with God. Her wicked husband Nabal died shortly after this as his heart was cold toward God. He was a son of Belial (another name for Satan).

Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him. Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal… So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person. And Abigail came to Nabal; and behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light. But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and be became as a stone. 1 Samuel 25:17-19, 35-37

Another account of a woman who moved in faith and was responsible for the salvation of her whole household was the harlot Rahab in chapters 2 and 6 of Joshua. There were men in her household but none of them had the faith and boldness to seek deliverance. “And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father’s household, and all that she had; and she dwelleth in Israel even unto this day; because she hid the messengers, which Joshua sent to spy out Jericho” (Joshua 6:25).

Women today who move in faith and obedience to God can be responsible for the salvation of their households. Prayer can bring whole families to the Lord, even if at first the family members object to spiritual things. Later, they will be eternally grateful that someone stood and believed for their souls. It would be quite a revelation to take an inventory of how many men came to know the Lord Jesus as a result of the faith of some woman. We’ve heard thousands of testimonies of men who were saved as the direct result of a praying mother, grandmother, wife or girlfriend. The first woman, Eve, may have led her man astray, but since then God has used many women to bring men back to Him. What a privilege to believe for our entire families. Allegiance and submission to the Lord bring miracles of deliverance.

Submission Out of Balance

Submission has been out of balance in both directions, thereby causing much confusion in the body of Christ. Those who refuse to submit to any authority are just as out of balance as those who submit to every dictate of those who they feel are their superiors, regardless of the mandates. We must have the leadership of the Holy Spirit in all areas of our lives. Legalistic approaches to the Word of God always bring bondage. Paul’s letter to the Galatians was a reprimand to the people who were leaving the simplicity of the gospel and reverting back to strict rules and regulations.

We have the same problem today within the church as some are becoming hard and dogmatic in dealing with the truth and with people. Submission is required of God’s people, but never to the point that men begin ruling other men’s or women’s lives. This has been abused greatly in regard to church authority. Some pastors have become dictators, while others have become so permissive (all in the name of love) that order is lost in the church. With no order in the body of Christ there is chaos. There has to be respect for the pastor and the other offices in the body of Christ. Any legalistic approach to this, however, brings bondage and does not carry out God’s wishes. God’s true pastors lead His flock in love and by example.

Neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but being ensamples to the flock. 1 Peter 5:3

These kind of church leaders and pastors are the ones the Lord has chosen to guide His people.

If you are in an area where this kind of ministry does not exist, you can pray for the Lord to send someone who will have a heart like His heart. In the meantime, He can furnish you with good books and taped teachings that can bring life to your spirit. He can bring the five-fold ministry to you as you sit under these teachings and learn through them. We are blessed in the hour we live to have the availability of books written by ministers throughout the ages. We can learn much through their writings. Of course, our greatest teaching tool is the Word of God, and the greatest teacher is the Holy Spirit.

God’s plan is for all of His people to be part of a local body. If your heart is truly crying for a good shepherd, the Lord will move you to one or raise up one where you are. It may be a small group, but size is not the issue with God; the issue is relationships and submission. Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

Submission to True Elders

God’s true ministers are the ones to which we are to submit as the Scripture says, “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account…” (Hebrews 13:17).

Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. 1 Peter 5:5

The command here to submit unto the elder is not referring to what we generally term as elders in the church, but rather to those who are older and more knowledgeable in the Lord. Elder women are used of the Lord to help guide young Christians, male or female, as it certainly does not make sense for a young male convert to instruct a woman who has walked with the Lord for many years, simply because he is of male sex. The Word of God demands respect for the elders, male and female.

Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. 1 Timothy 5:1-2

It is the economy of God to use those vessels who have matured in Him to help others come to maturity, regardless of their sex–or even their age.

The elders which are among you I exhort, who am also an elder, and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that shall be revealed: Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind. 1 Peter 5:1-2