Godly Husbands Lead By Serving

 

Cues for Husband and Wife

Let’s put at least one passage of Scripture in front of us so that the assumption isn’t taken for granted. Ephesians 5:21–25:

[Submit] to one another [husbands and wives] out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

“God intended for marriage to represent the covenant love between Christ and his bride, the church.”

The picture we have is one of loving each other and serving each other and submitting to each other’s needs and longings in a kind of loving and humble mutuality. The wife takes her cues from the church, as the church is called to follow Christ as its leader. The husband takes his cues from Christ, as the head of the church who gave himself up for her. 

One of the reasons this whole issue of headship and submission in marriage matters is that God intended for marriage to represent the covenant love between Christ and his bride, the church. That is what we are trying to flesh out when we are working on this matter of headship and submission.

There are differences and similarities between the relationship of the wife and the husband, on the one hand, and the relationship of Christ and the church, on the other. Both the similarities and the differences shape the way we flesh out this drama of Christ and the church.

Freely She Follows

For example, one similarity is that Christ wants the submission of the church to be free and joyful, with a full understanding of who he is and what he stands for and why he is doing what he is doing. Christ does not want slavish obedience or joyless compliance or mindless submissiveness from the church. He wants his church to be full of intelligence and understanding and wisdom and joy and freedom when she follows him. 

Without this, the church’s following would not glorify the Lord Jesus. Mindless submission does not glorify a leader. Similarly, a good husband does not want slavish obedience or joyless compliance or mindless submissiveness. He wants his wife to be full of intelligence and understanding and wisdom and joy and freedom when she commits herself to following him. That is an example of a similarity that affects how we do headship and submission.

Remember the True King

Here is an example of a difference between a husband and a wife, on the one hand, and Christ and the church, on the other hand, that affects how the marriage works: Human husbands are fallible and sinful, but Christ is not. Therefore, you can never draw a straight line from the way Christ leads his church to the way the husband leads his wife without taking into account this distinction, this difference. His finiteness and his sin have to come into the picture.

Another difference that shapes how we go about this is that both the husband and the wife submit to the Lord Jesus as their supreme Lord. Jesus is her direct Lord — not her indirect Lord, accessed only through the husband. 

“The submission that a woman offers to her husband is done so freely, at the bidding of her Lord Jesus.”

The teaching in the New Testament (1 Peter 2:13–17; Ephesians 5:21–33; Colossians 3:17–25) is that Christians — male and female — first relate to the Lord Jesus as their supreme master. Then, for the Lord’s sake, as it says, in obedience to the Lord, we enter back in — we are sent back in — to the institutions of the world, like marriage and other relationships that God assigns to us. 

We act in those relationships of submission freely because our supreme and primary Lord has said to. The submission, therefore, that a woman offers to her husband is done so freely, at the bidding of her Lord Jesus.

Fallible Yet Christlike

So, those two differences between our marriages and Christ’s marriage imply that the husband will not presume that his will is infallible and that his wife is less wise or intelligent or insightful than he is. Jesus is always wiser than the church. Husbands are not always wiser than their wives. 

Those differences also mean that a mature Christian husband will not express his leadership with childish, proud bullying or one-sided decision-making, but he will always seek out both the wisdom and desires of his wife. This is what good, fallen — fallible yet Christlike — leadership does.

Another way to talk about this same reality is to point out that the roles of leadership and submission in the marriage are not based on competence. God never said that the man is appointed to be head because he is more competent or that the woman is appointed to submission because she is less competent. Competence is not the issue in whether a man is head and a woman is submitting. Competence plays a role in how they exercise leadership and submission, but it does not assign those roles.

Heartfelt Responsibility

So, the way I define a husband’s leadership — or headship — as God wills it is this: a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for his wife. The key phrase there is “a sense of benevolent responsibility.” He may have a disability, for example, that keeps him from being the breadwinner, but that disability does not keep him from feeling a benevolent responsibility that the family’s needs are met. 

That sense of responsibility will move him to take initiatives with his wife and children to see to it that the family is cared for. That is the main issue: a sense of responsibility that moves the man to take initiatives in the family so that God’s will is done as much as possible by every member of the family.

“All families are called to glorify God according to their gifts. What does that look like? That is the man’s responsibility.”

Here are some examples. Keep in mind that when I say that he feels a special responsibility for initiatives in the family, he is not ruling out the fact that his wife may have important initiatives to bring to the discussion — because of his blind spots and his fallibility and her wisdom and her perceptivity. 

The point is this: She ought not to have to feel that she is constantly doing the initiating, the prodding, to get this man to talk about things that need to be talked about, to plan things that need to be planned, to do things that need to be done. Here are some of the kinds of things where I think a husband should be taking active initiative.

Family Decisions

What is the overall moral vision of the family? He should be taking initiative, asking that question, and pursuing an answer with his wife at his side. What do we believe about God and the world and family and culture? 

All families stand for something. All families are known for something. All families are called to glorify God according to their gifts. What does that look like? That is the man’s responsibility. Pursue that. Figure that out. A man feels responsibility to take initiatives to form and carry out that moral vision of the family. 

Of course, he is doing it through constant interaction with his wife. She would not be thrilled to be left out of that formulation, but I think most Christian women are thrilled that the husband is taking the initiative and drawing her in to see to it that they have such a moral vision for the family. This would include initiatives like these:

• “Let’s clarify the expectations we have for our children and how they will be disciplined.”
• “Let’s clarify how my leadership as the father and your leadership as the mother will relate to the discipline.” 
• “Let’s clarify how the children are going to spend their leisure time.”

And so on. It includes things like taking initiative to decide on where the family goes to church and how they participate and whether they get there or not. It includes things like ministries: what the family is doing in ministry and how they are involved together in the neighborhood and missions. 

It includes things like taking initiatives with lifestyle issues for the family, asking questions like this: “What are we going to do with social media and television and entertainment and leisure and sports and vacations?”

Ask, Then Initiate

Every family has to make hundreds and hundreds of decisions about these things. One of the things that depresses a wife is when a lackadaisical husband never thinks about what needs to be done and has to be constantly prodded to figure things out. 

She wants, of course, to have input. She has probably got more insight on a lot of these things than he does. But she wants him to take initiative. He needs to say, “Let’s sit down. Let’s talk. Let’s pray.” She wants him to do that.

“The husband should feel a special responsibility to lead the family in a pattern of prayer and Bible reading and worship.”

It includes things like finances: how the family spends its money; what they are going to save for; what kind of insurance they are going to have; retirement plans and pensions; and the whole financial vision of the family, including how much they give to the church. The husband should feel a special responsibility to take initiatives to work it out, with his wife constantly being drawn into that initiative.

You are not the head of your household. Christ is the head of your household and as you submit to Him and follow in His example, your responsibilities as a husband will come into clearer focus.

As you submit to Christ as the head of your home, you'll be stepping into your God-given responsibility as the primary leader within your home. You might be wondering what "leader" actually means. It does not mean you get to be the boss in a worldly sense. It means you have some unique roles and responsibilities that will help your family thrive.
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What you'll see in Scripture is that God is calling you to be a "Pro." You might never be a Pro athlete, but you can and must be a "Pro" in your home. I'm fairly short, slow and I have love handles, but I'm still living the dream as a "Pro" and you can too! You don't have to be rich, or brilliant, or athletic or handsome to pull it off. You just have to be faithful in three specific responsibilities that all happen to begin with "Pro."

2. Be a Provider
We as husbands are called to work hard to provide for our families. This doesn't only mean financial provision. In fact, some have abandoned our families in the pursuit of career accolades while convincing ourselves we're just being good providers. Your family can do with less of almost anything if it means having more of you. We must provide ourselves. We must provide our time. We must provide a Godly example of authenticity even through our many mistakes and imperfections. 
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3. Be a Protector
We as husbands and fathers are called to wage a battle against all the forces that would harm our families. This doesn't just mean being willing to fight the bad guy who breaks in your home or having the courage to chase away the mouse that scares your wife in the kitchen (I've actually failed at that challenge before)! It means we must also be willing to fight not against flesh and blood, but as the Bible instructs, our real battle is against evil itself. We need to lead the way in our prayers and our actions so that as we follow Christ, our families would follow us and together we'll find protection in our Savior's arms.

Men, we're going to blow it sometimes. We're going to make mistakes. Your family doesn't need you to be perfect, but they desperately need you to be present and to be a "Pro" in these areas above. You're called to be a leader in your home. You might not be comfortable with that, but God hasn't always called us to comfort. Have the courage to lead by example. 

Never think your leadership responsibility is an opportunity to bully, manipulate or mistreat your wife or children. We will be held to a high account for the way we steward this responsibility. Remember that Christ-like leadership serves others instead of demanding to be served. Christ gave His life for us willingly laying down all his rights for the sake of our good. That's the kind of love and leadership our families need from us. If we're following Jesus, we'll always be headed in the right direction and we'll earn the trust of those who are following our lead.

According to Ephesians 5:25-28, a godly husband leads his wife by:

• Initiating conversations 
• Asking open-ended questions 
• Learning from his wife 
• Helping her use her gifts 
• Serving his family like Jesus served His followers 
• Encouraging his wife to spend time in God's Word 
• Setting aside time for his wife to read her Bible and pray 
• Helping ensure his wife has great girlfriends 
• Drawing his wife out to share what she is learning spiritually, relationally, and emotionally 

Other aspects of a husband's leadership include:

• Submitting to his wife out of reverence for Christ 
• Taking initiative and asking his wife for input 
• Pursuing an answer to family decisions with his wife 
• Feeling a special responsibility to lead the family in a pattern of prayer and Bible reading and worship 
• Protecting and building up 
• Respecting and loving your wife 
• Helping her to be the best she can be 
• Being a good listener 
• Not always trying to be right 
• Being curious about what your wife is trying to communicate with you 

According to The Transformed Wife, a Christian husband is to be a servant leader to his wife. Servant leadership means that the husband: 

• Makes decisions that are best for his family 
• Sacrifices his time, body, and finances to provide for his family 
• Nurtures his family in the Lord

Verses about husbands leading their wives

The Bible has several verses that talk about this idea of the husband being the leader of a marriage:

“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3

“For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” Ephesians 5:23

“For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” 1 Peter 3:5-6

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5

“If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.” 1 Corinthians 14:35

As I searched for these verses, I found others that allude to this concept of the husband as the head. I thought 5 was enough to show that this concept is not just talked about one time in the Bible. It seems to be spread throughout the New Testament, provides more coherence, and helps show that this topic is important in the Bible.

What is the meaning behind these Scriptures?

Let’s explore this idea a little closer.

What does the Bible mean here?

I think that is what we are wondering. It is hard to accept that the Bible would say that the husband is to be over the wife. However, if we read closer we will see that the husband being “LORD” is not at all what this is referring to.

The Bible makes it clear that there is a legitimate need for a leader in the marriage relationship. However, it also makes it clear that this is not supposed to be oppressive or abusive.

LET ME BE CLEAR!!  God desires for the marriage relationship to be as equal and respectful as possible!

Here is where I want to move this conversation. First, I want to define what a leader is. Second, define what a leader does. Then, I would like to show how this would look in a Biblical model of marriage where the husband is the leader. Finally, I would like to add in the Biblical references and other references to smooth out the edges to give a full view of why this is important. I may be repeating myself from previous posts, but if you can bear with me, repetition helps to improve memory retention. YAY!!

Definitions of a Leader

DEFINITION OF LEADER

(from a google search) (I know it is not an actual dictionary, but it will do!):

The person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country.

The principal player in a music group.

DEFINITION OF LEADERSHIP

(from a google search, again)

The action of leading a group of people or an organization.

DEFINITION OF LEAD OR TO LEAD

(from a google search, again)

Cause (a person or animal) to go with one by holding them by the hand, a halter, a rope, etc. while moving forward. (VERB)

Be a route or means of access to a particular place or in a particular direction. (VERB)

The initiative in an action; an example for others to follow. (NOUN)

What a Leader Does

Okay! If we were to take these definitions and assume that the Biblical model of marriage for a husband is to be the leader in the marriage the following is what we would see:

The husband would be the person who “leads or commands” the marriage. He would be the “principal player” in the marriage. He would act by “leading” his wife and children. He would “cause” them “to go with” him “by holding them by the hand…while moving forward.”

WOW!! SOUNDS NICE NOW!!

He would also “be a route or means of access to a particular place or in a particular direction. He would also be the initiator; “an example for others to follow.”

Did that sound horrible? I didn’t even use any Bible verses. I know that it started out sounding a little militaristic and arrogant and dominating, but the end of it sounded pretty reassuring, loving, and something I would like for myself.

We, men, have become passive in our leadership. We look to our wives for answers. We are not leading in a way that causes others to WANT TO FOLLOW US.

If I can be frank, we don’t need to just lead, command, order, and get our way. We need to “lead by example” for the betterment of others. How do you like the sound of that ladies? Sounds nice hopefully! Men? Probably sounds overwhelming. You are probably not even sure you could live up to this definition of a husband as the leader.

Referencing Scripture and Rounding it Out

Okay, are you ready to add some Scripture?

First, I will point out that God created Adam (man) first. (Genesis 2:7) Why is that significant? We can only speculate, but I believe it is. This could be a much longer post if I focused on that, but I just want to point out that this is probably significant because ORDER seems to matter to God as you can see throughout the Bible. There are many examples where God demonstrates that he is a God of order, hierarchy, and processes. Dive deeper into the process and order of how he went about creating things. Look at the detailed and orderly process of building the temple and setting up the leadership of the 12 tribes of Israel.

Let’s mostly focus on Adam being a leader, the first one Scripture mentions. If a leader is “an example for others to follow,” then they go or move first. There are other places in the Bible where God eludes to this leadership. Most leaders in the Bible, if not all, were men (Noah, Moses, Abraham, David, Solomon, Joshua, Joseph, and greatest of all Jesus, to name a few). I believe God has a purpose for everything He does. So, logically, it is assumed there is a purpose for God placing men in these roles.

God choosing men to lead their families seems to be clear as shown above. His track record shows that he chose men to lead their families. In the New Testament, when Jesus fed the masses, it only mentions the number of men specifically, but not the number of women and children present. Due to the prominence of the mention of men in leadership roles in their families, it also seems reasonable to say God made them the leader in the marriage. Please hear me say this one thing though. The focus on men being a leader in this article has nothing to do with the importance of women. If you asked me, women are way more important than men, but that is a topic for another article.

Here is a verse describing the details of how a man should lead his wife: Ephesians 5:23, 25-30 “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “

This demonstrates a different view of leadership than our culture has expressed. It somewhat lines up with the definitions above. From a Biblical view, the husband as the leader is not supposed to be arrogant, demanding, and oppressive. They are supposed to be loving, like Christ loved, GIVING THEMSELVES UP FOR HER.

Sacrifice!

In Genesis 2:24, the Scripture says that “a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” Here the husband is the one who is mentioned as taking action. It is a responsibility. He initiates the relationship and the union with his wife. He leaves his family and goes with her. He has to sacrifice the safety of his family and the possibility of rejection. Not saying wives don’t sacrifice. I am just pointing out the responsibility that husbands have. Are you going to force your wife to lead?

When I think of a Godly husband, I think of a military commander. They are to run into battle, leading their troops as the first in and the last out. By doing that, they motivate and encourage their troops. THEY TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Can you see it? Wives, I know sometimes you wonder why your husband does not show this type of initiative. That’s really all you are asking for. Not domination, but the willingness to step forward and help even when you don’t ask them, just to make life easier for you. Well, hopefully, I will be getting through to some of these husbands. Husbands, this is when I say, I want 110% commitment! I hope I don’t lose you by saying that, but if that makes you mad, I would encourage you to go process this with someone.

Bear the burden!

Nevertheless, this is the vision of what a husband is supposed to be. It’s a big task and an unbearable job, but it needs to be done. It’s crushing, but it needs to be done. Why am I saying it is unbearable? Because the responsibility of the family is a huge weight to carry. That’s why a lot of wives are unhappy, depressed, and feeling bitter. They are the ones having to carry the weight because they feel like they are the ones making all the decisions and having to tell everyone, even their husbands what to do. (Husbands, if you are not one of those that are taking the backseat, then disregard the above).

However, it is likely you are, because I see even some of the best husbands unknowingly putting the burden of leading and initiating on their wives. It is usually due to presumed roles that were never clearly defined. If you as a couple sat down and clearly stated that the wife would make all the decisions and tell everyone exactly what they should be doing, then you can disregard my comments.

All this establishes that husbands were created in such a way that they have the capability to lead the family lovingly. Don’t abandon your responsibility and honor. It’s an honor to follow God’s will for your life. God made the husband the leader. He gave men this position and expected men to take the burden and responsibility on their shoulders. Someone has to do it, and men were told to do it.

I will add one more verse for good measure. God commands husbands to do the following: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7

I don’t know if you read the ending of that verse or not, but it literally says, “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Did you know your prayers could be hindered? That’s a big deal! I want all my prayers to work and be answered. If we are to heed this warning, it should lead all husbands to be running to find out what God’s intent for husbands is. It seems he is saying here, that husbands need to follow through on God’s design for them so they will get their prayers answered. I will just leave this here for you to chew on.

GOD DID NOT INTEND HUSBANDS TO RULE, OPPRESS, AND GET THEIR WAY!

He intended for husbands to sacrifice and carry the burden and responsibility of keeping the family alive, serving God, and doing His will.

What was God’s instruction to men? His instructions were to love God, their wives, and others, teach their children about God, and do God’s will (name the animals and follow God’s commands). Do husbands fail? YES! Over and Over!

Wives, I don’t know why God did not choose you to lead the family. I know a lot of wives that do lead their families. However, many wives that do lead their families tell me they wish their husbands would lead and step up. They have said they are tired of making all the decisions and the pressure on them is too great, thus what I stated above.

I wonder if you resonate? It’s possibly one of the reasons God tapped husbands to do that job. Maybe husbands were created with that extra something to be able to bear that burden. That does not mean that women aren’t special as I already said previously(ie, child-bearing, ability to nurture, intuition, and empathy are strengths for most women that most men don’t do well). God knows that men would never survive pregnancy, let alone, giving birth. Hence what we call a “man-cold.”

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. Ephesians 5:31-32

In these verses, and throughout this passage in Ephesians 5, the main point that Paul is making is that our marriage relationships are a reflection or a model or an illustration of the relationship between Christ and his church.

In other words, we are to mimic in our marriage relationships the relationship we see between Christ and the church. When we are trying to understand our roles and our responsibilities in marriage – we take our cues from what we see in Christ’s relationship with the church. That’s why Paul writes earlier in Ephesians 5…

23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. Ephesians 5:23-26

So in our marriages, it’s like we are putting on a play or a skit where husbands are playing the part of Jesus and wives are playing the part of the church. Those roles don’t define who we are as people and they don’t determine our value or worth or abilities or anything like that. They are simply the roles that God has given us to play in our marriages.

But there has certainly been much confusion and misunderstand regarding what Paul is saying in this passage. It’s really important that we understand what Paul means when he says the husband is the head of this wife and what he means by the wife submitting to the husband in everything.

Those ideas of headship and submission have certainly been misunderstood and often twisted from Paul’s original meaning in the past.

And so we came up with two basic definitions to help us understand what these two terms mean. Actually, we didn’t come up with them – John Piper came up with them and we decided they fit pretty accurately!

So these are the definitions that we looked at:

• Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.
• Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.

As we saw last week, these definitions fit very well with what we see in Christ’s relationship with the church. We saw that certainly Christ takes the responsibility for his church – providing servant-leadership, protection and provision. Likewise, we saw how the church’s role is to honour and affirm Christ’s leadership in the church, in our lives and in the world – and He has invited us to help carry out his work and ministry in the world according to our gifts.

So with all that in mind, for the next few weeks, we are going to take a more in-depth look at the roles and responsibilities of men and women in marriage – based on the example of Christ and the church and other specific Biblical instructions.

Now as I started working through all this, I came to realize that there is just pile of stuff that we should be talking about when it comes to understand God’s design for marriage. Most of what our culture teaches and promotes is very contrary to what the Bible says and I think many couples go into marriage having no real idea how God design this thing to work.

So I think that it’s important that we spend a good chunk of time talking about all this. My plan (so long as I actually follow it) is to start by going through these definitions of headship and submission bit by bit. I’ll probably do about 4 messages on headship and then I think two more on submission. 

And I tell you this now because I don’t want you to go home after today thinking that I’ve told you the one key thing that you need to remember. What I’m going to teach and preach today is not going to be the “one key thing” – but it’s an important part of the big picture – and it is a BIG picture. We need to take a look at a lot of different stuff in order to understand the high calling that God has given us in marriage.

Now if you are not married at this stage in your life, don’t tune out quite yet. Remember, all of this is based on Christ’s relationship with his church, and since you are the church, much of what we talk about will apply to you – it’s just that some of the practical applications that we come up with may not. If fact, even among those who are married, how we apply this stuff is certainly going to vary from couple to couple, so I’ll try to make sure you catch the principle of the matter and then you can apply that to your own situation as necessary.

So let’s get started. I said last week that I was going to start with husbands – and so today I want us to start looking at the husband’s responsibility for Christlike servant leadership.

Now of course, Christ is our model. As husbands, we are playing the role of Christ in our marriage, so our starting point will be to see what this servant leadership looks like as He lived it out – and continues to live out for that matter.

I want to look at a passage in John 13, but before we go there, I just want to set the stage.

We’ve just come out of the Christmas season where we celebrated and remembered that Christ came to earth and became one of us – born as a baby, just like you and I. And that’s just incredible to think about. I mean, this is God we’re talking about. That little baby was the person who created the entire universe. John actually begins his Gospel marvelling at that fact.

1 In the beginning the Word already existed.

    The Word was with God,

    and the Word was God.

2 He existed in the beginning with God.

3 God created everything through him,

    and nothing was created except through him.

4 The Word gave life to everything that was created,

    and his life brought light to everyone.

14 So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.

John 1:1-4, 14

This is really incredible! The one who created the world (the one who created all those billions of stars, the one who separated the dry land from the oceans, the one who brought forth plants and animals on the earth simply by speaking them into existence, the one who brought life into the world) – He choose to come into the very world that He created. The God who fills the universe, confined Himself to a tiny body of flesh and blood and became human!

But of course, he didn’t stop being God. He was still the Commander and Creator of all the earth. That baby Jesus is the very same God who brought the flood over all the earth back in Noah’s time – executing judgement and justice on a world gone wrong. That baby was the same God who brought all those plagues upon Egypt and then split open the Red Sea for Moses and the Israelites to pass through on their journey to the Promised Land.

Sometimes I think we forget that Jesus was God. But we’re reminded of that throughout his life. We see his authority as he commands storms to be calm and demons to leave the men whom they have possessed. His touch (and sometime only his words) heals the blind and the lepers and the paralyzed. He performs miracle after miracle – he teaches with authority (unlike any other teachers of his time) – and we should expect all that, because Jesus is God. 

He was still the Commander and Creator of all the earth. Jesus is that same God. And that’s what makes this passage in John 13 so astounding. If you’re not there already, flip over to John chapter 13 to witness this interaction between Jesus and his disciples…

Before the Passover celebration, Jesus knew that his hour had come to leave this world and return to his Father. He had loved his disciples during his ministry on earth, and now he loved them to the very end. 2 It was time for supper, and the devil had already prompted Judas, son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. 3 Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. 4 So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, 5 and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him. 

John 13:1-5

Now don’t forget who Jesus is – He is the sovereign Lord over all. He is the ultimate authority. You don’t have to be a Bible scholar to understand that washing people’s feet was not usually the job for the person in charge. Someone in a position of authority and power simply did not get down on the floor, and clean the filth off of the feet of those he was in charge of. But yet that’s exactly what Jesus did.

He has all the authority and all the power – and what does He do with it? He uses it to serve his disciples – to serve his church.

No one had more authority that Jesus. No one had more power. No one had more rights to be served than Jesus. I mean, he’s the King of kings and the Lord of lords. But yet, there he is, on the floor, cleaning out the toe jam between Peter’s toes. Actually, they probably didn’t have toe jam because they didn’t wear socks – it was probably just a layer of dirty grim. But there Jesus is, scrubbing off Peter’s dirty feet.

Now let me ask you this, husbands: When you read that verse back in Ephesians about how the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of his church – is this is picture you had in mind? When you read that, do you envision yourself down on the floor washing the feet of your wife and children? Is that what headship means to you?

That’s what it means to Jesus. That’s what Jesus did with his power and authority – he washed his disciples feet. Why would He do that? There’s probably a few reasons.

But for one, he was modelling for them how to serve one another. If you jump down to verse 12, Jesus shares with them the point of this object lesson:

12 After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing? 13 You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. 14 And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. 15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. John 13:12-15

And I think that applies to us just as much as it did to them. We are to model that same attitude towards each other in the church as well as towards our wives in our marriage. 

I think one of the points that Jesus is trying to bring out is that we need to understand that leadership is about serving the people we lead – not about them serving us. And that’s worth saying again: “Leadership is about serving the people we lead – not about them serving us.” 

In Matthew chapter 20, Jesus teaches this very clearly. Verse 25

25 But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. 26 But among you it will be different. 

Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. 28 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:25-28

Jesus led by being a servant. Even though he was the King of kings and the Lord of lords, he did not come to be served, but to serve others and to give his life as ransom for many. And he has instructed us to do likewise.

If you go back to Ephesians 5:25 we see how Paul relates that to our role as husbands.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 

Ephesians 5:25-27

Jesus did everything for our benefit! He gave up his life for his church (dying on the cross and rising again on the third day) so that we could holy and clean – so that we could be his glorious bride for all eternity – without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Jesus didn’t suffer and die for his own benefit – he suffered and died for us.

Likewise, God didn’t give men the role of headship for their own benefit – but for the benefit of their wives and families. It’s so that we can one day present our families to God. God has entrusted us with them for a relatively short time and one day we will present them back to God. But until then, God expects us to humbly serve them – leading them towards Christ – helping them become holy and clean – without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. 

I kinda envision this like a father entrusting his daughter to some guy as they get married. For you dads with daughters, you know how precious your little girl is and that guy had better take really good care her. 

Well, God feels that way about your family – your wife is his daughter and he has entrusted her to you. When your life is over and you stand before God and you present your wife (God’s precious little girl) back to Him – don’t you want to present her without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish?

Now you probably wouldn’t describe your family as being without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish yet – but that’s the goal – that’s why and where we are to lead them. 

And we’re going to talk more about what that looks like next week.

But for today, the point I want to make is that Jesus used his power and authority to serve his church. What do you do with the power and authority that God has given you?

And maybe you don’t realize it, but as men, God has given us power and authority. Typically speaking, men are bigger and stronger and louder than women – of course, that’s not always the case, but generally speaking that’s true. That’s God’s design. God has given us a certain amount of power. 

He’s also given us authority. All authority comes from God – and God has granted men the authority to be heads of their homes. That’s the role that God has given us.

But that power and authority is not given to us so that we can selfishly order around our wives and kids to do whatever we say. That power and authority is given to us so that we can serve our families. It’s so that we can use our strength to help them become all that God wants them to be – holy and clean without spot or wrinkle.

The power and the authority that God has given you as a husband is most certainly not so that you can be served – but so that you can serve your family and so that you can give your life for them. John Piper writes:

Headship is not a right to command and control. It’s a responsibility to love like Christ: to lay down your life for your wife in servant leadership. ~ John Piper

I imagine that if I were to do a quick poll here this morning and I were to ask the question: “Which of you men would be willing to die for your wives? Who would take a bullet so that your wife could survive?” I imagine that probably every man here would raise his hand. I think all of us would be willing to die for our wives.

• Working the job you really don’t enjoy so that you can provide for your family is not always fun. 
• Taking the initiative to pray with your wife might make you feel awkward and vulnerable. 
• Choosing to let your wife sleep while you clean up the vomit in your kids bed at 3am in the morning – that is the opposite of what most men want to do.

Laying down our lives for our families is not easy. Being a servant to our families is hard – but that’s exactly why God has given us the strength and the power we need to do it.

So men, I want to challenge you this morning: How strong are you? And I don’t care how many pounds you can bench press, or whether or not you’ve got any abs…. That’s really no concern of mine. But are you strong enough to pick up a towel? Are you strong enough to get down on the floor and wash the grim off the feet of your wife and children so that you can present them to God without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish?

Are you willing to lay down your life – to do whatever it takes to humbly lead your family towards holiness – towards Jesus?

And even for those here today who are not husbands – a similar challenge lays before you. All of us have people in our life that we can humbly serve – leading them towards Jesus. A neighbour, a friend, students, nephews, nieces – we all have those people in our lives. Will you pick up a towel and serve them – leading them towards Jesus? All of us can do that.

This morning, I’ve got a whole pile of towels here today and I’d really love to send one home with every husband here. I don’t really care what you use it for, but I hope it will serve as a reminder that God has put you in a very significant position as the head of your family and he has given you the power and the authority to carry out that responsibility. 

God wants us to lead with a towel – to use our strength to serve our families and to lead them toward Christ.

Philippians 3:5 says…

5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

6 Though he was God,

    he did not think of equality with God

    as something to cling to.

7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;

    he took the humble position of a slave

    and was born as a human being.

When he appeared in human form,

8     he humbled himself in obedience to God

    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor

    and gave him the name above all other names,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,

    to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:5-11

That’s our model. Jesus – the one who’s name is above all other names. The one to whom ever knee will one day bow. That same Jesus took the humble position of a slave. He humbled himself in obedience to God – even to the point of death on a cross.

That’s how much Christ loved you and I. That’s the extent that He was willing to serve us.

Husbands – love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.

Husband as Head

First, the husband is the head of the family. Paul gives this as the reason for wives to submit to their husbands: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (Ephesians 5:23).  This headship reflects the Trinity: “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3).  As Doug Wilson pointed out, God does not command the husband to be head but recognizes him as head, so the husband cannot escape this role.[2]  Therefore the husband’s role as head is universal—every husband is the head of his family.  God is the one who appoints all leaders (Daniel 2:21), and with any such appointment God gives both the authority and responsibility commensurate with the office, so headship is about authority and responsibility.   As I discussed here, all authority comes from God and is delegated to people for the purpose of obedience, which means that the only authority anyone can have is that which God either explicitly or implicitly grants in Scripture.  Any use of authority that is not for the purpose of obeying God is misuse of authority.  This means that a husband can only use his authority as head of his family to love, cherish, nurture, protect, provide for, and foster holiness in his family as well as to lead them to obey God. 

More importantly, the fact that God has appointed the husband as head of his family means that God holds the husband accountable for his family.  This is the core of what male headship means, as Ray Ortlund explains: “In the partnership of two spiritually equal human beings, man and woman, the man bears the primary responsibility to lead the partnership in a God-glorifying direction” (emphasis original).[3]  Authority cannot come without responsibility.  God gave Adam the Cultural Mandate and therefore gave him the responsibility and authority to obey Him in advancing it before Eve was even created.  Therefore, when Adam and Eve sinned, God held Adam accountable by directly calling him out (see Romans 5)—and He has been holding men accountable for their families ever since.  Every decision is the husband’s decision, whether he made it himself or condoned it by not overruling it (Numbers 30:3-15).[4] This does not mean the husband is guilty of all of his family’s sins (Deuteronomy 24:16), but since his leadership (or abdication of leadership) affects every aspect of the lives of every family member, it does mean every husband will have to give an account to God for that.  Therefore, the husband’s headship is not a privilege but an immense responsibility.

While headship means that the husband cannot escape his responsibility, it also means that he is to delegate his authority. One of the most important jobs of any leader is to empower and support subordinate leaders.  Whenever a leader gives direction, that leader is also giving the required authority, which subordinate leaders then use to obey.  This means that to disobey the subordinate is to disobey the leader.  It also means that when a leader overrules the direction of subordinate leaders, it undermines their authority and jeopardizes their ability to obey.  A squadron commander learned this the hard way when he allowed a staff sergeant to do something that senior noncommissioned officers had already denied.  By overruling them, this commander had seriously undermined his subordinate leaders, which took months to rectify.[5]   Dads find themselves in a very similar position when children come to them after mom has already said “no”.   Headship means in leading his family, dad gives direction and its associated authority to mom for the purpose of parenting, and mom has used that authority to say “no”.  Therefore, overruling mom’s “no” undermines mom’s authority and therefore dad’s authority.  So part of headship is that every father must ensure that his children not only respect and obey him but also respect and obey their mother.[6]  If they disrespect or disobey their mother, God holds the man accountable as head.  This is what headship means—immense responsibility.  And again, the husband’s headship is an inescapable role.  Every husband can be either good head or a bad head, but is still head. 

Husband as Provider

Next, the husband is the provider for his family.  God put Adam in the Garden to work it (Genesis 2:15).  That term implies labor in service.  Adam was to work in service of the Garden (and ultimately service of God) by cultivating it.  When Eve was created to help Adam fulfill the Cultural Mandate, he knew that for her to fulfill her role as the “mother of all living” (Genesis 3:20), he would have to provide for her and for the children they would have.  Ever since, the expectation throughout most cultures has been that husbands will provide for their families through their work.  More than a cultural expectation, this is commanded for Christians: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).  Scripture is full of commands for men to work diligently in order to provide for their families, adequately support the local church, and have enough left over to give generously to others.  The husband’s work is also the primary way by which he serves others and works to subdue the earth in his own lifetime.  Therefore, the focus of much of his time and effort should be on this vocation (i.e. calling). But here it is important to note that he must not become consumed by this work and thereby neglect his other duties and responsibilities to his family.

The husband’s role as provider goes far beyond his income from working hard in an honest vocation.  Like all leaders, he is responsible for providing a healthy environment in which his family can thrive.  This includes providing them with an adequate place to live and ensuring it is maintained.  It also includes providing the children with both discipline and instruction that facilitates their growth and does not provoke them to anger or discouragement (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21).  The husband must also provide wise guidance and counsel to his family: “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4).  Additionally, the husband must provide his wife with constant encouragement.[7]  The roles of the wife are often arduous, seemingly-fruitless, exhausting, and even maligned in our culture.  The husband—as part of his duty to wash his wife with the Word (Ephesians 5:26)—must counter the resulting discouragement with the encouragement of the Scriptures: “For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope” (Romans 15:4).  

Along with this, the husband is to provide his wife with praise (Proverbs 31:28-29).  The husband should regularly express his gratitude for everything his wife does for him and the family.  He also needs to praise her to others, especially in front of the children.  The husband should also provide his wife with the appropriate level of trust (Proverbs 31:11).  While there is certainly room (and necessity) for righteous jealousy to protect the marriage covenant from sin, that does not mean the husband should distrust and constantly second-guess his wife.  Effective teams rely much more on trust than on competence, so husband and wife must trust each other in order to be an effective team.[8]  The husband should trust his wife unless she has betrayed that trust.  This means that the husband leads with guidance and general oversight, not micromanagement.  Godly husbands follow the example of the Proverbs 31 husband, who does not micromanage his wife, but trusts her to take care of the home while he is busy working to provide for the family by doing what God has called him to do outside the home.  The husband must also provide stability.  The sun is compared to a bridegroom (Psalm 19:5), so since the sun is frequently used in Scripture to represent consistency and dependability, the husband should likewise provide consistency and dependability.  Finally, the husband must provide for his family spiritually, which I will discuss in more detail later.  In essence, the husband’s role as provider means that he is responsible to God to work hard to provide for his family everything they need to not only survive but thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, and Christ has provided us everything (1 Corinthians 3:21-23, James 1:17, 2 Peter 1:3).

This role is nearly universal, since illness, injury, disability, or other situations may prevent a husband from fulfilling it.  Even then, there are likely ways he can provide at least some of these things, so he should strive to provide them as best he can.  There are also times in which it is appropriate for the husband to temporarily refrain from being the primary breadwinner in order to focus on education in preparation for a vocation in which he will be the primary breadwinner. However, this should be the exception not the rule and should only be undertaken by agreement between husband and wife along with much prayer and wise counsel.[9]  Finally, note that the husband does not have to be the sole breadwinner to fulfill this role.  Recall that the Excellent Wife has various profitable business ventures, but her husband is still the primary provider such that she can focus on the home.  Her business is out of the surplus of her home-focused labors, not at their expense.  Similarly, she can and should provide wisdom, encouragement, education, and discipline, but those are still the responsibility of the husband.

One major impact of generations of feminism poisoning the culture and the Church is the dilution and outright demonization of masculine strength as “toxic masculinity”.  Our culture teaches men to be effeminate and seeks to crush any masculine strength.  Churches have bought into this by overlooking any trace of masculinity in Scripture.  Therefore, many American Christians view Jesus as weak and harmless rather than the King of Kings whose robe is stained with the blood of the enemies He just trampled (Isaiah 63:2-6, Revelation 14:19-20, 19:11-16).  They also view the psalms as either feel-good love songs or overly-emotional sob stories.  Instead, those of us with military experience cannot help but notice the similarities between many psalms and the cadences about blood and gore that we would sing in formation.  Many psalms are war songs written by men to be sung by men on their way to war, and all of the songs sung by women in Scripture are either celebrating or anticipating victories.  Scripture celebrates masculine strength, so we should too.  

But that strength is not the macho, boneheaded, arrogant brute force that would rightly be considered toxic.  Instead, the biblical model of masculine strength is power under control (meekness).  As David Mathis observed here, David exemplified this by being one of the greatest warriors in the Bible but also showed great gentleness and restraint.  In this way, he prefigured Jesus Christ, who shows us perfect masculine strength.  Unlike arrogant toughness, this type of strength is not threatened by the healthy strength of others.  There is no denying that the Excellent Wife in Proverbs 31 is very strong and capable—enough to intimidate both weak and tough men.  Instead, her husband displays godly strength in both valuing and praising his wife for her strength, which he sees as an immense asset to him rather than a threat.  This type of strength protects rather than threatens, so this is the strength godly husbands effectively wield.

With godly strength, the husband first protects his family from physical threats as much as possible.  This includes criminals, wild animals, natural disasters, diseases, and any number of other possible dangers.  He also protects his wife and children from threats to their purity.  Whereas Abraham went to great lengths to protect Isaac’s purity (Genesis 24), his nephew Lot failed miserably to protect his daughters’ purity (Genesis 19:8,30-36).  Many men follow Lot’s example by not guarding their houses against such threats, especially in the digital realm.  Instead, husbands need to display jealousy, which is an attribute of God that Del Tackett defines as a zeal that arises when sin threatens a covenant relationship.[10]   Whereas sinful envy comes from selfishness and seeks to exalt self, righteous jealousy comes from love and seeks to protect the relationship.  Husbands also protect the joy of their families.  Joe Rigney observed how Psalm 19:5 likens the sun not only to a bridegroom but also to a strong man doing his work with joy, and that joy should be contagious.  Husbands also protect joy by leading their wives not with harshness (Colossians 3:19) but with gentle care that acknowledges both their delicacy and dignity (1 Peter 3:7) and leading their children with similar gentleness that does not provoke anger or discouragement (Colossians 3:21).[11]  Additionally husbands protect their families from sinning through constantly leading them back to Scripture, counseling their wives from Scripture, disciplining their children diligently in accordance with Scripture (Hebrews 12:5-11), and providing the final say to ensure their decisions accord with Scripture (Numbers 30:3-15).  Finally, husbands protect their families spiritually, which we will cover next. 

But first, it is important to note that like the role of provider, the husband’s role as protector is nearly universal.  There are some ways in which all husbands will be able to protect their families, but other ways in which their capacity will be severely limited by the effects of the Fall.  Also, no matter how strong he is, he may be faced with someone stronger (Luke 11:21-23).  And no matter how thorough he is, he can never anticipate and mitigate every threat his family may face.  For this, the strong man trusts in the LORD (Psalm 18).  Finally, there may come times in which a husband’s calling to advance the Kingdom comes in conflict with protecting his family physically, as is often the case for missionaries called to foreign lands or Christians under threat of persecution.  In these cases, husbands must still protect their families as much as practical while prioritizing the Kingdom.

Husband as Pastor

Christ is also our Great High Priest (Psalm 110:4, Hebrews 7:11-8:6), so the husband imitates Christ by serving as the pastor of his family.  In this role, he leads, provides for, and protects his family spiritually.  His discipline and instruction must be from Scripture, and he must lead by example in constantly studying and applying Scripture to all aspects of life.  A priest is also an intercessor, so while Jesus Christ is the only mediator between God and men (1 Timothy 2:5), husbands must intercede for their wives and children by praying for them often.  And just as pastors of the church lead corporate worship, husbands fulfill the role of pastor when they lead family worship, which is why the Westminster Standards cover both corporate worship and family worship.  Along those lines, husbands must lead their families to join, commit to, and actively participate in a faithful local church, submitting to the elders of that church.  As I discussed a while back, regular in-person attendance at a faithful local church that is not optional (Hebrews 10:25), so any husband who does not lead his family in this way is sinning and enabling his family to sin.  While good churches can be hard to find, that is no excuse.  They do exist, meaning that we cannot use the excuse of distance (where I live some people drive more than an hour each way) but must exhibit discipline by putting forth the effort to go to church and prioritize church over other activities, as I discussed here.  

To fulfill the role of pastor, a husband also needs to learn the Scriptures and the doctrines of the faith well enough to teach them to his family as their resident theologian.[12].  Paul states that if a wife wants to learn about Scripture or doctrine, she should ask her husband at home (1 Corinthians 14:35).  This implies that the husband can answer these questions, which necessitates diligent study.  The husband doesn’t have to have all of the answers, but when his wife has questions, he should be the first person she asks.  This also means that passages of Scripture about pastors apply to husbands as well.  The husband should therefore aspire to fulfill this noble role and be above reproach, faithful, self-controlled, able to manage well, gentle, upright, able to teach, hospitable, respectable, and disciplined (1 Timothy 3:1-7, Titus 1:5-9).  For the Christian husband, the role of pastor is universal even though it will look different in each context.

Imitating the Good Shepherd

Ultimately, all of these roles can be summed up by the role of imitating Jesus Christ in how He loves the Church (Ephesians 5:24-33).[13]  However, since Christ is both divine and the only Savior, husbands cannot imitate Him in every way.  Only Jesus is the bread of life (John 6:22-59), light of the world (John 8:12-30), door (John 10:1-10), resurrection and life (John 11:17-27), way, truth, and life (John 14:1-7), and true vine (John 15:1-11), so all we can do is point everyone to Him in everything we say and do.  But husbands can and should imitate Jesus as the Good Shepherd (John 10:11-30).  I have observed in my leadership paperhow Scripture often uses the metaphor of the shepherd for leadership in general.  The Jewish leaders failed as shepherds, feeding themselves while exploiting and neglecting the people, so God promises to replace them and be the true shepherd of His people (Ezekiel 34).  This was fulfilled by Jesus as the Good Shepherd who calls us to imitate Him.  If we love Jesus, we like Peter will tend the sheep He has entrusted to our care (John 21:15-17).  Those entrusted to a husband’s care are first and foremost his wife and children.  So husbands should heed Peter’s exhortation to pastors: “shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory” (1 Peter 5:2-4).  Husbands should lead, provide for, protect, and pastor their families willingly, as a joy and not a burdensome duty.  They must not fulfill their roles out of desire for selfish gain but eager to cultivate their families’ growth in righteousness and maturity.  They must exercise oversight, but in doing so they must not be domineering or micromanaging but careful to set a good example.  Finally, husbands must never forget that God will reward their faithful efforts as they strive to imitate Christ by selflessly leading, providing for, protecting, and pastoring their families.

From Scripture, we can see that husbands are to fulfill the roles of head, provider, protector, and pastor of their families, imitating Jesus Christ the Chief Shepherd.  The roles of head and pastor are universal, while the roles of protector and provider are nearly universal.  How each husband fulfills these roles will differ depending on context, but to be faithful to what God has called him to as a husband, he must fulfill them all to some degree.  This is certainly daunting, and any man who is already a husband or aspires to be one would be foolish not to approach this noble calling with at least some trepidation and feeling of inadequacy.  So as with all things, husbands must depend on God to strengthen, guide, and sustain them in this high and necessary calling.  Any honest husband can identify many ways in which he fails regularly in these roles, and any future husband is naïve to think he will not likewise fail, so remember that when we fail there is grace and forgiveness in God through Jesus Christ. Next time, I will discuss the roles God has called wives to fulfill, but we must never forget that God expects the wife to fulfill her roles within the context of the husband fulfilling his.  Godly churches require godly families, which are built by godly husbands fulfilling their roles, so we must embrace these roles as vital to fulfilling both the Cultural Mandate and Great Commission.

1. A faithful husband is a faithful follower of Christ. Above all else, a faithful husband learns from Christ how to love his wife because he knows how Christ has treated him. He understands that Jesus loves him, not because he is good, worthy, or obedient, but simply because He has chosen to love him. A faithful husband’s heart has been conquered by the love of Christ, and he loves Christ because Christ has first loved him. So, he lives under the rule of Christ and keeps His good commandments because he has been bought with a price. And he loves his wife, not because she earns his love, but because Christ loves him, sets an example of love, and commands him to love his wife.

2. A faithful husband loves his wife. While this may seem obvious, it is far from obvious. Loving our wives does not mean enjoying how much they love us. When I do premarital counseling, I often ask couples, “What is it you love about the other person?” Sometimes the man says: “I love how she puts me first;” “I love how she makes me feel;” or “I love how she seems to really understand me.” But love for a wife is not loving how well she loves you. I once heard a husband say, “I finally figured out why I’m so happy in my marriage. My wife and I are both in love with me.” But a faithful husband loves his wife by serving her without demanding anything of her in return. He loves his wife by putting her needs first, not selfishly demanding that she meet his needs. She is not his servant or caretaker. She is his love. That means he works for her, not only outside the home, but in the home and in their relationship. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

3. A faithful husband speaks with gentleness and grace to his wife. That is, he doesn’t use his words to control his wife for his own selfish benefit. He doesn’t speak harshly with her or belittle her to get her to treat him the way he wants to be treated. The Bible warns, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov 12:18). A faithful husband uses his words to nourish, strengthen, and edify his wife. “Let no unwholesome words come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29). That means faithful husbands put off judgmental, critical, and demeaning words. And they put on words of love, encouragement, acceptance, and grace. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph 4:32).

4. A faithful husband leads by serving his wife and setting a Christlike example. A husband’s leadership is grossly misunderstood in some conservative Christian circles. Husbands are not to lead their wives by telling them what to do or by requiring them to submit to them. The Bible never tells husbands to make their wives submit to them. Rather, husbands are to lead their wives by serving and loving them. God tells wives to submit to their husbands, but they are to do it freely from their hearts because they want to, not because their husbands are requiring them to submit. In Mark 10:42-45, Jesus says:

“And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

5. A faithful husband humbly preaches Christ to his wife. When his wife is discouraged, he holds out the comforts of Jesus. He tries to encourage her with the sure promises of Scripture. When she sins against him, he doesn’t respond with more sin. Instead, he’s gracious and deals with her in the gospel. He speaks to her as God in Christ speaks to him in the Word. When he sees the qualities in his wife that he adores, he celebrates God’s grace in his wife. He rejoices with his wife in the gospel of Christ, that He has reconciled them to God, that He has given them life eternal. And he reminds his wife of these things. If he ever sees his wife losing sight of Christ, he preaches Christ with all humility and love for her. He always tries to remind her of the wonders and graces of Jesus. And in this way, a faithful husband tries to make Christ central in the home by his words and his example for the glory of God and the benefit of his wife.

May God grant believing couples to build their marriages on the Lord Jesus Christ for His glory and for their joy.

1. The man was to provide for the woman.

Before God created the woman, he had the man working in the garden. Only after Adam had a job did God bring him a wife.

There’s a very simple application here: Ladies, if he can’t hold down a job and still uses his parents’ credit cards, you might want to think twice!

2. The man was to lead the way spiritually.

When Eve was brought to Adam, he already had a relationship with God. He was tasked with relaying to her the commands of God and leading her in obeying them.

Men, as the spiritual leader in your home, you are to wash your wife, as Paul says, “with water by the word.” That means you lead your family in the application of Scripture.

This doesn’t mean you have to lead your wife in a Bible lesson every night—though it wouldn’t hurt. It could be as simple as saying, “Hey, baby, how can I pray for you?” and then holding her hand and praying over her. When you look up, she’s probably going to be crying, and you’re going to be leading … and then you can write me a thank you note for that simple piece of advice.

Washing your wife with the word means you become the primary mouthpiece declaring to her God’s feelings about her—that she is valued, cherished, and precious in God’s sight, with a bright future because of God’s plans for her. Ask yourself: If your wife’s spiritual identity was based solely on your words to her, what would she think of herself?

3. The husband was to take the lead in romance.

The first human words recorded in the Bible were Adam composing a love poem about his wife. (It sounds better in Hebrew.) He was the one expected to take initiative and romance his wife.

Men, you should be the one budgeting for and suggesting date nights. You should be expressing your love in ways that don’t come as naturally to you because that’s how your wife needs to be loved. You should be the one figuring out when the relationship is in trouble and that you need some counseling.

4. The man was to lead in sacrifice.

In Ephesians 5:31 Paul references God’s instruction to the man to leave his previous life and cleave to his wife: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Paul then makes a startling comparison. He says that when husbands do this, they mirror Jesus’ relationship with us: Jesus left his heavenly home and laid down his life for us. Now we are to do that for our wives.

Laying down my life doesn’t simply mean being willing to die for my wife; it means daily putting her needs above mine and using my power to serve her.

It means that in decisions, I give her needs and preferences more weight than my own. If I am serving my wife like Christ served the church, then in 90 percent of instances where we disagree, we are going to end up doing what she wants, because most decisions are not spiritual leadership decisions—they are preferences, and mine should always be second to hers.

To Be Leaders Husbands Must:

1. Be proactive. 
2. Pursue God.
3. Pastor his home. 
4. Be a protector. 

Men are to step out and initiate things. Be proactive, don’t be passive. When Adam and Eve committed sin in the garden, God asked Adam, “Where are you?” God did not ask Eve first because God expects men to carry leadership responsibilities (Genesis 3:9).

A man cannot be a good leader if he is not first a good follower of the Holy Spirit. You cannot lead your home if you are not led by the Lord. That means that it is every man’s job to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Your manual is the Bible.

The Priest Of The Home

To be a pastor or priest in your home, the first thing it means is to bring your family to church on Sundays. You should take the decision. You can choose to bring your family to church on Sunday – you don’t ask your children what they want to do on Sunday. The second thing the pastor of the home has to do is live out the Christian faith in front of his wife and children. Don’t just bring your family to church but bring faith to your family. Whether it is once a day or a week, establish family devotions. If any of your family members has a problem, they know they can run to the pastor of the house first. When they come to you, call on your Shepherd Jesus Christ before you call on your church pastor or life group leader.

The Protector

God created men to be physically stronger than women so that they can protect their families. God did not give you muscle so you can raise your hand against your wife and children. You are not a bully; you are a builder. You are not a lord; you are a leader. Jesus does not abuse His church, and neither should men abuse their wives (Ephesians 5:25). There is no room for dominating, ruling, controlling, or suppressing a daughter of God in a godly marriage. As a servant leader, you should serve your spouse and protect your family.

Raising your voice is not acceptable in marriage. Usually, when men raise their voices, it is because they have already lost an argument. It is better to improve your argument than to raise your voice.

2. A Husband Is A Laborer

Genesis 2:15, “Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” 

This took place before the fall. God put the man to work in the Garden and ordained a 6-day work week. I am not saying a 5-day work week is bad, it is just not Biblical. God did not create you to have vacations on earth. He created you to create, to make things. When we go to Heaven, we are not going on holiday but to rule, reign and manage things with Christ. God is not idle. Jesus said My Father is working and I am working (John 5:27). Our God works and He created us to work.

1 Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 

In the 1950s in the United States, 1 in 50 men aged 25-54 did not want to work. Today, that statistic is 1 in 9. That equates to over 7 million men in the United States today. They are physically able but rely on government welfare or somebody else to provide for them. They are not men but grown-up boys. Boys are provided for by their mothers. Men provide for themselves. Grown-up or mature men provide for themselves, their wives, and their children. 

I Can’t Work, I’m Called To Ministry

We have a pandemic of lazy men. Some of these men over-spiritualize things saying that God has called them into ministry. Therefore, they cannot work. Living by faith doesn’t mean not working. Don’t forget that our Savior Jesus Christ spent most of His adult life working and doing manual labor. Stop saying I am not going to work and want God to provide for me because He called me into ministry. If you have a family, that is your ministry; you need to provide for them. 

Dreamers Not Workers

Another set of lazy men is not so spiritual but has more dreams than Dr. Martin Luther King. They sit and dream up ideas that won’t work. Then they push their wives to work hard to finance their idea, which was dumb from the beginning. This type of men are often people who had no father figure in their lives to bring discipline and were over-mothered and pampered. 

You Cannot Be Anything

This is a lie. You cannot be anything you want. You cannot be a bird; you are a human being. Most children will not grow up to be celebrity athletes or presidents. We need to stop lying to our children and start building their character and work ethic so that they can become something in this world – not anything. Dreams don’t pay bills, diligent work does. Businesses do not work if you don’t. You cannot sit on a couch and dream your business into work. You have to work and make things happen.

If you want to have a side hustle that is brilliant. Get a full-time job to take care of your family. Then on your days or time off, you can start learning the other job. Do not quit your full-time job until the side hustle covers the income that your full-time job provided. Do not strain your family or abandon your role as a laborer and provider. It is not pleasing to God and the Bible says it makes you worse than an unbeliever.

No Work Is Waste

Proverbs 14:23, “In all labor, there is profit. But idle chatter leads only to poverty.”

There is no profit in just dreaming, or playing golf and video games. There is profit in work. Waiting for years to get a job because you are too proud, entitled, and too mothered is not good. We need to labor. If you want to be a prosperous man, learn to work. As you work, one day you will get a better job and can run your own company. 

The problem with young people today is they get so overwhelmed by work. Their mental health is not stable because they are finally forced to work an 8-hour job. Men, we are better than that. We are stronger than that. Disconnect from TikTok and social media, read the Bible, and work. When you start to work and do it well, a lot of your other issues will be taken care of.

Look at the case of Joseph. Joseph entered Potiphar’s house to work. When Potiphar’s wife was tempting him, he had no time for her. But when David came out of his room after sleeping all day, instead of going to war, he could not resist the lady he saw. Men who are working hard and applying themselves to their business are men who are more likely to overcome temptation. 

Some men argue that in some countries unemployment pays better than working. There is no scripture in the Bible that supports this kind of lifestyle. You might need to go on benefits for a season or some months but not for years. It doesn’t matter if welfare pays better; God calls you to work hard and apply yourself. I challenge all the boys to grow up and become men. I challenge men to become mature men by providing for their families.

3. A Husband Is Loyal 

Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” 

The General Social Survey said that 20% of men in marriage cheat and that men are 54% more likely to cheat than women. I wish this general cultural statistic would only apply to men who are not Christians. A lot of Christian men still carry generational cycles of unfaithfulness from their ancestors which need to be broken in the name of Jesus Christ for them to be loyal. 

Keys To Staying Loyal

You have to stop allowing flirting to happen to you. 

Men cannot walk in purity if they don’t stop tolerating flirting from women the devil sent to assassinate their marriage. This is not in any way disrespectful to women because men are as guilty as women. Where men are guilty most of the time is in tolerating flirtation at work, online, keeping dating profiles active, sliding into DM’s, and texting people they have no business texting. The devil is out to destroy your marriage and everything starts with flirtation.

The grass is not greener on the other side. 

Dismiss the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. If you don’t water your own marriage, you are responsible for why everything is dry and parched, not your spouse. We have to water our own marriage. 

You must understand the principle of 80:20. As perfect as your wife is, she can only meet 80% of your needs. The most perfect wife can only meet 80% of her husband’s needs. The remaining 20% is enough for the devil to use to torment and tempt you unless you submit it to God to transform you. What happens, especially when life gets busier and your children are growing up, is the devil will bring somebody into your life who will fill in the 20% your spouse is missing. He will paint this beautiful Hollywood fantasy that your life would be better if you leave the 80% you have with your wife for the 20% you want. Men that fall for this deception soon discover that no perfect woman would ever date a married man. You are destroying your own moral code and foundation. 

You can have a new marriage with the same spouse if you change your attitude and how they treat your spouse. This is why it is important to water the garden that you are in instead of fantasizing about somebody else’s lawn.

Don’t hang out with the opposite sex alone. 

Even if you are in management, you can go over things with people in a public setting where other people are present. The moment you start to spend time alone with the opposite sex as a married man or woman, you are stepping on dangerous territory. 

Avoid talking about your personal life with the opposite sex. 

Similarly, we must avoid this trap of the devil. The moment you open up your personal life to a person of the opposite sex, you are inviting them to be intimate with you emotionally. It might start slowly but this leads to other intimacies. This does not mean that we are constantly blocking out the opposite sex but your personal life should not be exposed to someone you don’t want to have a bond with. When you are struggling in your marriage, you don’t want to make bonds with other people. 

Keep a fire in your fireplace. 

The best way to avoid emotional or physical intimacy with someone else is to keep the romance – keep the fire in your own fireplace. Keep your marriage healthy. 

4. A Husband Is A Learner 

1 Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” 

This verse is loaded with revelation for men. If we don’t fulfill the petitions of our wives, it could hinder our prayers from being answered. The Bible says here that the wife is the weaker vessel, not the weak vessel. If it said the wife is the weak vessel, it means the man would be the strong vessel. This means that man is weak but the wife is weaker. Weaker in which regard?

“The word is not weaker in the sense of less than but the work weaker there, has to do with the way you handle highly valued material… you don’t treat fine china like paper plates because they break easier. The reason you handle fine china plates carefully is because of how much you value them. A husband should value his wife like fine china.” 

Dr. Tony Evans 

Husband’s Learn Your Wives

Dwell with understanding with your wife means you have to figure your wife out. In the simplest of terms, understanding your wife comes down to this: If you know what bothers her, don’t do it; if you know what she likes, do it. 

Many men struggle when it comes to understanding women. Their brains are wired differently. Men are more logical, women are more emotionally connected. Here are some differences:

• Women love processes, men love goals.
• Women love romance, men love sex.
• When processing things, women need sensitivity, men want space.
• When stressed, women become overwhelmed and emotionally involved, while men become focused and withdrawn.
• Women feel better by talking about the problem, men prefer solving it.

Notice that the Bible doesn’t instruct women to dwell with their husbands with understanding; it instructs husbands. This means we as husbands have a greater responsibility to understand our wives and meet them at the point of their needs. This is how to honor our wives.

5. A Husband Is A Lover 

Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

Five Ways To Make Your Wife Feel Loved: 

1. Buy her flowers and gifts (or let her buy gifts herself). 

2. Spend time with her.

3. Do house chores. 

4. Physically touch her without initiating sex. 

5. Compliment her. 

Let me explain further. Any love that does not involve giving is not Biblical. It doesn’t have to always or only be flowers; it is the thought that counts. Often a cash gift is the best option to avoid misunderstandings or disappointment when the gift you bought is inevitably in the wrong color or size. 

When I say spend time with your wife, I do not mean while both of you are watching a movie together.  How a man feels he has spent time with his wife is through shared activity. The way wives feel connected to their husbands is not through doing a shared activity but a wife needs uninterrupted quality time where her husband asks her the following questions:

1. How was your day?
2. If your wife says it was fine, delve deeper. Can you unpack that thought for me?
3. How did that make you feel?
4. Really? Why did that make you feel like that?

Keep going like this and in about 10-15 minutes, she will feel all the burdens of the day have lifted off, the stress is gone and she will feel you have listened to her and understood her. Actually engage with her in conversation, not texting and scrolling while you talk to her. It is one of the hardest things for a man to do but it is one of the most powerful things a wife needs her husband to do. 

Do chores for your wife even if her love language is not acts of service. Serve your spouse even with simple things as a husband. It makes your wife feel more loved. 

Feeling Loved Versus Being Loved

Husbands have difficulty understanding the difference between feeling loved and being loved. We know in our hearts that we love our wives. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be with them. We believe that the fact we are with them is a sign that we love them. When we got married, we told them we love them and if we had changed our minds, we would have notified them. The woman does not know she is loved unless she feels she is loved and her feeling loved seems to fluctuate on a 24-hour basis. As the Bible says new every morning is God’s mercy, so your reminder has to be for your wife that you love her.

This physical touch is a non-sexual public display of your love for your wife. It can be as simple as holding her hand or opening a door for her in public. In our culture today, that is no longer celebrated but we want to raise godly men and godly gentlemen who will honor and love their wives publicly. This is important not only to build your marriage but to build your children’s view of how marriage should be and how they should show affection publicly for their spouses. 

Complimenting Your Wife

Every wife wants to feel beautiful and loves to look good, especially for their husband. The hard part for men is to give them compliments when they do. Complimenting your wife is not just about saying good. Love your wife by being generous with your vocabulary and complimenting her in a more detailed and expressive way. Remember, she needs to feel that she is loved. 

Jesus washes the Church with the Word, (Ephesians 5:26). Do the same for your wife and she will be nourished and nurtured. A wife will only bloom in the garden her husband waters for her. Raise your wife’s value in your own eyes. Don’t wait for her to change her appearance. Sow into your wife. Bless her, nourish her, and she will flourish and bloom in the garden of your marriage as your wife, a mother, and a daughter of God. The Bible tells husbands not to react to how their wife treats them but to love them how Christ loves them.

Even in the Garden of Eden, God made it clear that the purpose of His creation was to multiply and replenish the earth. Reproduction has always been evidence of God’s plan of creation. In the very next verse, God gave a command that once and for all settles the perversion concerning the thinking of today’s society. He said, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). In spite of what modern man may say, there is no question that homosexuality is an evil perversion of the plan of our Creator. They cannot physically reproduce. Sodom and Gomorrah tried to violate this. God destroyed them as an example of His judgment for violation of His Divine plan. If you have questions about this, read Romans 1:26-27.

The meaning of the word “husband” is “house-band”. He is the one that is to bind the home together. If the band breaks, the home will fall apart. The very name infers that the husband is to be a leader, a protector and a provider with a lot of TLC – “Tender Loving Care”.

Sacrifice is demanded

Now we come to the duty of a husband to his wife, which can be summarized in one word – LOVE. “Husbands love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25). It’s not an option, but how can we measure the height and depth of that word? We often use the word to describe things such as: “I love my car,” “I love my dog,” or “I love to ride a horse.” However, when we speak of love in a marriage relationship, it moves the meaning of the word to a much higher level.

The Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). The full measure of that love is impossible to comprehend for any mortal man, but this must be the goal of every true husband because he is required to attain it! If a man really thinks this through, then all selfishness dies within him at the marriage altar. What does love include as it relates to the married life? In marriage, the wife becomes many things to her husband, but the most important thing that she becomes is his best friend. The following verse puts this love in perspective and gives us a clearer understanding of this love: “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend” (John 15:13). Jesus set this example for us at the cross. We can do no less for our best friend, our wife. Now let’s see how that relates to marriage.

The wife can also find herself being pulled in a hundred different directions. None of these may be evil within themselves, however, God sets a priority on the home, and we must do the same. The husband is responsible to set guidelines and be the example of leadership in the home. It is not to be passed off to his wife. She is to follow and support his example, being guided together by true biblical principles.

The husband should be the leader in prayer at meals and in home devotions at night with his wife and children. He must be a student of the Word, applying biblical teachings and truths to the many situations that arise in the home. He should take his family to church, not send them. The home and the Church must work together in building a marriage in which Jesus Christ is the head.

Physical and Spiritual Leadership

There are men who may be great lovers but terrible leaders, and there are men who are great leaders but terrible lovers. The male ego often finds itself mentally exalted far beyond its true capacity. The key to this is balance. Both the husband and the wife must strive to achieve balance in their roles. Over commitment will put stress on the marriage relationship and tension in the home. The home is the priority, and balance is the key ingredient in investing our time. The husband may find himself consumed with business meetings, involvement in church activities several nights a week, or addicted to the sports world – the list can go on. Be sure there will be a thousand things to consume your time and take you away from your home. However, the Bible clearly teaches the order for prioritizing your family life.

1. To the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18-19)
2. One to another in the fear of God (Eph. 5:21)
3. Wives to Husband (Eph. 5:22)
4. Husband to Christ (Eph. 5:25)
5. Children to Parents (Eph. 6:1)
6. Servants to Master (Eph. 6:5)
7. Masters to God in Heaven (Eph. 6:9)

Material Provision

The word “love” includes many responsibilities and has many implications. In the wedding vows, the husband assumes the burden of support, and no true man will seek to evade this obligation. The Bible has sharp words to say about men who take their responsibility lightly in this direction. It says, “But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house he has denied faith and is worse than an infidel” (I Timothy 5:8). Normally, it is not the best thing when the wife goes out to earn part of the daily bread, especially when there are children in the home. Psychologists say that the greatest impact on a child’s life is made during the first six years. It can be the mother, or a baby sitter that will mold your child’s life. Who do you think is God’s choice? However, there may be circumstances, occasionally, where such a need may arise, but it should not be the norm. It is the husband’s responsibility to provide for the needs of the family and to do so, to the best of his ability, honoring his responsibility before God.

Many husbands make a mistake here. In their zeal to provide lavishly for their children and wife, they forget the Lord. They fail to take Him into partnership. They give nothing to God’s works and ministries, and they wonder why God does not bless them more abundantly. “It is He what giveth us power to get gain” (Deuteronomy 8:18). The true and wise man will not shower on his wife and children what rightly belongs to the Lord God of Hosts. II Corinthians 8-9 clearly gives us instruction that giving must be a part of the Christian home. The husband must provide the material necessities for the home, but God is the ultimate supplier of our needs. As you give unto Him, you can then claim this promise, “But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

Oneness

When a man offers a woman his hand in marriage, he says by that act, of all the women on earth, he has chosen her. Oneness in marriage means two will become as one – what affects the one, affects the other. There must be tender loving care and understanding of this special person. As they live together as one, God gives this special command “ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered” (I Peter 3:7). Treating your wife wrongly quenches your prayers and impacts your whole life. When her physical beauty is diminishing, when her face is wrinkled, when her voice is no longer musical, when sickness has left its trace, he is to love her as truly and as deeply as ever. You are to give yourself for her “as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). This is a high standard, and to the Christian husband, it is a standard to be practiced until heaven welcomes one of them home.

Danger zones…The treatment and thought process about women must be guarded. The “lust of the flesh” is one of man’s strongest temptations, and the devil will use it to destroy your marriage. Don’t say it can’t happen to you. Read the history of David, Solomon and others. The husband must guard his heart and mind in these matters. A man must treat women with purity (I Timothy 5:2). He must avoid any thought of, or sexual activity, outside of marriage (Ephesians 5:3-4 and Hebrews 13:4).

Job made a “covenant with his eyes” (Job 31:1). He committed not to look (or think) upon another woman with evil intentions. To protect your marriage, you must protect your eyes. If you see it on television, change the channel. If you see it in a magazine, turn the page. If it appears on your computer, quickly delete it. Again, guard your eyes and mind, and you will guard your heart. You may think you can handle it, but you are wrong. God gives one answer – FLEE – “Flee youthful lusts” (II Timothy 2:22).

Thoughtfulness

Much of the time, men are often careless about thoughtfulness. The problem is that you drop your guard, and fall into free and easy habits at home. In the shop, or on the street, you are exceedingly careful. You are polite and attentive. You are careful not to injure the feelings of a lady at your work place, but when you reach home, you give vent all of the problems and talk that has been suppressed all day. You can be cutting, short and blunt in your remarks. Questions are answered impatiently and rudely in an irritated tone of voice. You think that because a woman is your wife, she should know that you love her, even if we are rude to her. You think she should not mind anything you do or say, even if it is something that would greatly offend other women. However, you forget she has feelings, and she to, may have had a rough day.

Another great mistake made in the home is that you don’t put your greatest efforts forth in the matter of kindness and patience. There are men who do not say anything mean, or cutting in the home, but it must be confessed that they say few tender, loving things. Their speech is short, crisp and businesslike. The warmth of the lover and the newlywed husband has strangely disappeared. The promises to “love and cherish” have soon been forgotten. How shortsighted a policy this is! Spoken love needs to be cultivated as well as any other kind of love, and if it is not fed, it will die.

There are times when a man should be especially sensitive and thoughtful toward his wife. A child may have been sick all day or he may have distressed her by his disobedience; the household work has been upset and delayed, and the whole day has been full of unusually trying cares. She may be hurting and lonely, and if her husband has tenderness and will show it, then memories of the day will quickly wipe away. It takes so little thoughtfulness to erase the battles of the day and restore joy to the heart.

Counsel

It is taken for granted that if a man feels a woman is worthy of being his wife, he looks upon her as being a mature, intelligent person. Yet after marriage, some men treat their wives like they are on the same mental level as the children. They never share with them about their business, or their battles of the day. Now a woman doesn’t know everything about business, but she can be a great counselor, sometimes seeing the bigger picture. The woman referred to in Proverbs 31 reveals that it is wise for a husband to seek his wife’s advice. She may not carry the details of it in her head as her husband does, but the fact is that a woman’s quick intuition will often leap to a correct point, while a man’s logic is slow in arriving. Then the very fact that she is more, or less, removed from the immediate problem involved will often make her judgment clearer and more accurate. It is a wise man who seeks his wife’s counsel in the matters of his business. Many men can thank their wife’s judgement for a large share of their fortune.

Big-Heartedness

The head and the heart must be in sync. Heaven deliver us from the man who is a “nobody” at work and a petty tyrant in his home. He loves to stand on the hearth and be the dominating, tyrannical bully of the family circle, bawling out commands and threats to his wife and children like some wild animal. Of all the contemptible people, this man is the worst. This is a total violation of what God intended men to be to their wives. This type of person has no concept of what “Husbands, love your wives” means.

Surrender to Christ

May this thought be burned upon your heart. There are men who are tender toward their wives. They provide every needful thing for their comfort. They are thoughtful and big-hearted. They counsel with them and are kind toward them, but when it comes to spiritual matters, they draw back and take no part in worshipping with them. They shut themselves out of the deepest and most sacred part of a wife’s life. Alone she goes to church. Alone she sits at the Lord’s Supper. Alone she falls to her knees in prayer. Alone she bears the hopes, trials and aspirations of her soul. Alone she wants her husband, more than anyone in the world, to come to Jesus Christ and make him his Lord and Savior. He has no part with her in all of this. “And if a house is divided against itself that house cannot stand” (Mark 3:25).

He denies the very vows he made at the marriage altar. God made us body, soul and spirit. To deny the spiritual part of this sacred relationship is to be blind to the most important part of this union. We could say to each wife that maybe in this situation that such a marriage is not a marriage as God intended it to be! Only His grace will see her through and she can claim the promise that her consistent testimony may be the result of his salvation. “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (I Peter 3:1 NASB).

If together you are not one in soul and spirit then this marriage is not the way God intended it to be. Such action on the part of a husband is utterly wrong and reprehensible, and God will bring him into judgement to answer for it. It is a great wrong to the Christian wife and family, and the consequence of his actions will be revealed at the Judgement seat.

Hearts are to be united in eternal fellowship. The years here on earth are but times of preparation for a union that will endure beyond the valley of the shadows of death and last through all eternity. We believe many tears will be shed in heaven over failed marriages that God wanted to bless but could not. He will wipe away all tears, but we will have memories of what might have been. We pray that God will help a husband who is not in this right relationship to think upon these things and to surrender his life to his wife and his children, but more importantly to Jesus Christ, making Him Lord of his life.

If things are not right and you want to settle them, you can do it right now. If a friend knocked on the door of your house, you would open it and invite him in. Jesus knocks at the door of your heart, but it is up to you to open the door and invite Him in. He will only enter at your invitation. He will cleanse your heart and make it a place where you and He can have fellowship every day of your life. He says, “Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice (that’s you) and will open the door, I will come in to him and sup with him and he with me” (Revelation 3:20).