I. HAVE FAITH
Many couples have bickered and quarreled so long that they lose hope things will ever improve. They resign themselves to go on quarreling and hating the rest of their lives, or they end the marriage by divorce.
Couples need to believe that, by God's power, they CAN resolve their marriage problems if both parties will really work at it.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. If we trust in ourselves we may fail. But we must believe that Jesus will provide the strength we need to please to God.
Careful thought will convince us that serious marriage conflict is not God's will for us. God created marriage for the good of man and woman. He never intended for marriage to be a source of hatred and bitter grudges.
Hatred, bitter quarreling, and alienation in our homes mean that someone is disobeying God.
Either the problem began because someone disobeyed God, or else the original problem led someone to commit other sinful acts. In either case, serious marriage problems almost always involve sin.
If so, then we can overcome the problems by the same methods the Bible describes for overcoming other sins! Recognizing that sin is the root of the problem gives hope, because a Christian knows that God has the solution to sin.
However, marriage involves two people. A problem between two people can only be completely removed if both parties are willing to work at it. If only one person obeys God, the other person can keep the problem alive.
However, if your partner will not work to improve the marriage, this does not remove your responsibility to do what you can.
To please God, you must follow His will regardless of what your partner does. You must believe that you can please God regardless of how others act.
1 John 5:4 - If we are born of God, we overcome the world through faith. This includes overcoming improper family relations, but we must believe that it can be done by the power of God.
If both parties commit themselves to practice God's plan, any couple can eliminate sin from their marriage. And regardless of whether or not your partner obeys God, you can still please God if you will follow the steps we are about to describe.
[1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 9:8; Josh. 1:5-9; Eph. 3:20,21]
II. PRAY FOR GOD'S STRENGTH.
Philippians 4:6,7 - Don't be anxious, but by prayer and supplication make your requests known to God. Christians should do this for all our problems, but specifically for our marriage problems. If we have proper faith in God's power, then we will pray diligently about our marriage problems.
1 John 5:14 - Be confident that, if we ask according to His will, He hears us. [Matt. 6:13; 1 Pet. 5:7]
When we have marriage problems, especially serious ones, we need to believe that God will answer prayer. If both the husband and wife are faithful Christians then they should spend much time together and individually praying for God's help with their problems.
Remember, however, that God answers according to His will. If your companion is not a Christian or is not faithful, then God will not force them to do right. He may, however, give them an opportunity to learn His will for their lives.
When your family faces serious problems, how much do you pray to God together and trust His power to answer your prayers?
III. RESPECT BIBLE AUTHORITY
A. Follow the Bible Instead of Feelings, Human Wisdom, etc.
Proverbs 3:5,6 - Trust in the Lord and let Him guide our paths. Don't lean on our own human understanding. Too often troubled couples seek sources of guidance outside the Bible.
Some folks follow psychologists, marriage counselors, etc. Others are guided by feelings. People get divorced saying, "I just don't feel anything for her (or him) anymore." But no amount of feelings can change what God's word says.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 - Scriptures provide to all good works. If solving marriage conflict is a good work, then the Bible will tell us how to do it. Other people may help, but we must reject any ideas that do not agree with the Bible.
Most of us accept this view of authority regarding salvation, worship, church organization, etc. Why should it be any different regarding our homes?
[2 Pet. 1:3; Jer. 10:23; Prov. 14:12; etc.]
B. Study What the Bible Says About Our Problem.
Psalm 1:2 - The righteous man delights in God's law and meditates on it day and night. If we really believe the Bible has the answers, then we should study what it says. This is what we would do about any other spiritual problem. Why do otherwise regarding family problems?
Acts 17:11 - The Bereans learned the truth by searching the Scriptures day and night. We need to do the same regarding our family problems.
C. Be Willing to Obey the Bible.
Matthew 7:24-27 - The wise man not only hears what God's word says, but also does it. The foolish man hears but does not obey.
If we believe that God's word holds the answers to our marriage problems, then we must be determined to do what it says, not just learn what it says.
IV. RESPECT THE BIBLE PATTERN FOR
AUTHORITY IN THE HOME.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - The wife must submit to her husband as to the Lord.
1 Peter 3:1 - She must obey her husband even if he is not serving God. A wife may think she can disobey her husband if he commits sin, but God says she must still obey. She may disobey only if the husband asks her to commit sin (Acts 5:29).
We will see that the husband also has God-given guidelines to follow when he makes decisions. Often conflict arises or remains unresolved, because the husband disobeys Bible teachings about how to make decisions or because the wife disobeys Bible teachings about submission.
Resolving conflict requires decisions to be made. God has provided a way to make those decisions. Husbands need the wisdom to make decisions according to God's guidelines, and they need the courage to make even the tough decisions. Then they need the strength to see that those decisions are carried out. And wives need the strength and the humility to accept those decisions.
V. ACT IN LOVE.
Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25,28,29). Wives should love their husbands (Titus 2:4).
A. Love Is Concern for the Well-being of Others.
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved. So the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her. He must not use his authority just to please himself but to do what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love is not selfish.
Romans 13:10 - Love works no harm to its neighbor.
As long as one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, differences will not be resolved. Serious problems can be solved only when we are willing to seek the welfare of others besides ourselves.
B. Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Ephesians 5:25,28 - Love can be commanded because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we can choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled - you "fall in love" or out of love. So, if a couple "just don't love one another anymore," nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But when we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.
Furthermore, just as Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him, so it is the primary responsibility of the husband to initiate love. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.
Romans 5:6-8 - Christ loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed done.
Luke 6:27,28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages! But we love enemies, not because we uncontrollably "fall" in love, but because we choose to do what is best for them.
The statement "I just don't love her/him any more" is a confession of sin! It must be repented of and corrected as an act of the will!
When serious disagreements build up in marriage and are not resolved, one or both companions are not choosing to show love.
C. Love Must Be Expressed in Action.
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
This does not require an overwhelming romantic "feeling" that wells up and can't help but be expressed. We are discussing love by choice of the will.
We can and should state, by the choice of our will: "I want you to know that I still love you, I am committed to this marriage and to your welfare."
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 - Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping God's commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 - We must not love just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving things, but that alone is not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]
D. Love Requires Giving & Self-sacrifice.
Giving of self is the essence of love.
John 3:16 - God so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten Son.
Ephesians 5:25 - Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
1 John 3:14-18 - If you see your brother in need and don't give what is needed, you don't have love.
Romans 12:20 - Loving you enemy requires giving food and drink when needed.
A basic requirement in solving family disagreements is a willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.
Typically each spouse refuses to change because he/she is upset at something the other person did. If we would view the situation honestly and objectively (as if it were someone else's problem), we would admit we should do differently. But we refuse to change because of some habit or characteristic we dislike in our spouse.
The fundamental lesson of Christ's love is that we should give up our own desires for the good of others even when they are not acting the way we think they should. Don't say, "I'll change if he/she will too." If an act is good for others, do it regardless of what they are doing. If we have been wrong, admit it regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.
Even if we are convinced we are not the root cause of a problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to help improve it. This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem and He did not compromise with sin, but He did sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to our sin problem. He did not just sit back and criticize us for our sin, but He became involved to provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.
A spouse will often criticize: "It's his/her fault, so let him/her solve it." Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, "What can I offer to do - how can I become involved - so as to help resolve this problem?" Instead of saying, "Why don't you do this?" say, "Why don't you and I work on this together?"
As long as neither spouse will take the first step to give up what they want, strife will continue. When one is willing to give in for the good of the group, then a start has been made to resolving the problem. When both are willing to give in for the good of the group, then the solution definitely will be found.
The husband has the final say, but he must not just do what he wants. He must put aside his own desires and do what is best for the group. The wife must not insist on what she wants, but must give in and submit to the husband's decisions.
[1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]
VI. MAINTAIN AND EXPRESS COMMITMENT
TO THE MARRIAGE.
A. Divorce and Separation Are Not Options.
Read Romans 7:2,3; Matthew 5:31,32; 19:3-9; 1 Corinthians 7:10,11 - Marriage is a lifetime commitment. One can Scripturally divorce a mate only if it is done because he/she has committed fornication. If we have unscripturally divorced, we must seek reconciliation with our spouse or remain unmarried. Remarriage is not an option.
Obviously one should never want his/her spouse to commit fornication, so it follows that each one must sincerely hope for the marriage to continue.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5 - Since the sexual union is upright only within marriage (Heb. 13:4), the man and wife are to fulfill one another's desires for sexual affection. They are not to voluntarily separate except by mutual consent for a temporary time for spiritual purposes.
Sometimes troubled couples choose to separate. Separation not only causes sexual temptation, but it weakens commitment to the marriage and increases the likelihood of divorce. Doubts about one another's conduct and motives increase. Problems cannot be discussed and resolved.
Clearly the Bible requires both spouses to continually view the marriage with commitment.
B. Express Your Commitment to the Marriage.
Sometimes one will make statements that show lack of commitment to a marriage.
Some will say:
"I wish I never married you."
"I wish you were dead."
"I should have divorced you years ago."
"If this doesn't stop, I'll see a lawyer."
"I'm leaving, and I don't know if I'll be back."
In the absence of Scriptural grounds for divorce, all such statements are sinful, because they destroy the security and commitment of the marriage. They do not express love, but are used as a weapon to threaten and hurt the spouse.
Not only is it sinful to practice wrong, it is also sinful to DESIRE to practice wrong or to THREATEN to do wrong.
Proverbs 4:23 - Out of the heart are the issues of life. We sin because we allow ourselves to think and speak about our desire to sin. See also Matt. 5:21f,27f,33-37, etc.
Matthew 12:35-37 - The mouth speaks out to the abundance of the heart. We will be justified or condemned by our words.
In the absence of Scriptural grounds for divorce, Christians should never do anything that appears to justify or lead to separation or divorce. Instead, they should deliberately express and promote commitment. "I really do love you. I want to work out our problems, and I want us to have a good marriage."
VII. EXPRESS APPRECIATION & PRAISE
FOR WHAT IS GOOD.
Philippians 4:6,7 - Let your requests be made known to God with thanksgiving. Even when we are concerned about our problems, we must remember to be thankful for our blessings.
Often in times of strife, we get so upset with our companion, that we fail to express appreciation for the good qualities they have. This tends to blow the problems out of proportion.
A. Husbands Should Express Appreciation for Their Wives.
Genesis 2:18 - It was not good for man to be alone, so God made woman to be a companion for him. A woman who fulfills her God-given role is good for a husband. She was created by God for that very purpose.
Proverbs 18:22 - He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor of God. So let the husband say so.
Proverbs 12:4 - A worthy woman is the crown of her husband. If so, then let the husband express appreciation for her. [Prov. 19:14; 31:10]
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband should give honor to his wife. Yet many husbands give much more criticism than they give honor. How often do you deliberately say or do something intended to honor your wife? Is she supposed to consider herself honored simply because it has been a while since you insulted her?
Proverbs 31:28-31 - A worthy woman should be praised by her husband. Do you praise your wife when she prepares a meal, cleans the house, cares for your children, or fulfills her responsibilities as a Christian? Or do you just criticize when you think she fails?
A husband often gets a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment from his work. He gets a regular paycheck and perhaps occasional promotions. But the wife works day in and day out at home with the family. If the husband does not express appreciation, the wife should still find a sense of accomplishment in seeing her children develop and in knowing above all that God is pleased. But she has a much greater sense of security and being needed if her husband tells her he appreciates what she does.
God tells us to praise our wives when they do good. If we did, they would find it much easier to fulfill their role as submissive homemakers.
B. Wives Should Express Appreciation for Their Husbands.
Romans 13:7 - All Christians should give honor to whom honor is due. This is a general principle. It would teach husbands to honor their wives, but it would also teach wives to honor their husbands.
Ephesians 5:33 - Because the husband is the head of the wife (v22-24), she should respect (reverence) him. Surely this includes expressing appreciation for him.
Ladies, if your husband works regular hours at his job to provide for you and the family, how often do you tell him you appreciate it? Or do you just take his paycheck and spend it without a word of thanks? When he does a handyman job around the house for you, or spends time with the children, or fulfills his role as a Christian man, do you tell him you appreciate it?
Probably the greatest need that the wife has is a sense of security in knowing that she is loved and needed. Probably the greatest need the man has is the sense of personal worth in knowing that he is respected and looked up to. Both these needs are met if the husband and wife will express appreciation one another.
If you are angry and upset with your companion, do two things. (1) Make an honest list of every good quality your companion possesses and every good work he/she does. Be as thorough as you can. (2) Then every day make a definite point to express love to your companion and find some specific thing to compliment and express appreciation for. This will significantly help when it comes time to discuss your problems, and it will also make your problems seem much less serious.
VIII. DISCUSS THE PROBLEM
A. Be Willing to Discuss.
Sometimes a spouse becomes so angry that he/she refuses to talk. Some men think they have the right to just make a decision without discussion.
The husband should be willing to consider his wife's views.
Ephesians 5:25ff - The husband is head as Jesus is head of the church. But God listens to our requests in prayer (Phil. 4:6f).
Ephesians 5:28,29 - The husband should love his wife as he does his own body, but the body communicates its needs so the head can make decisions according to what is best.
James 1:19 - Every man should be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband is to treat his wife with understanding. But since men are not mind-readers, this requires listening to her views. [cf. Matt. 7:12]
If sin is involved, both parties are commanded to discuss.
Luke 17:3,4 - The one who believes the other has sinned, must rebuke him. This surely applies in the home as well as elsewhere. [Lev. 19:17,18; Matt. 18:15; Prov. 27:5,6]
Matthew 5:23,24 - One who has been accused of sin must be willing to talk to seek reconciliation. Again, this surely applies in the home.
Note that the person who believes he has been wronged and the person who is accused of doing wrong are both obligated to discuss the matter. If conflict in the home is to be resolved, it must begin by discussion. "Clamming up" is not an option.
Note, however, that proper timing of when to discuss is also important. Discussing in front of the kids or when one of you is extremely angry may not be good. If so, don't just "clam up." Instead, agree to discuss the matter later, and set a time when you will discuss it. Make an appointment and keep it!
[Matt. 18:15-17; Prov. 10:17; Gal. 6:1; Prov. 13:18; 15:31,32; 29:1; 25:12; 9:8; 12:1]
B. Speak to Resolve the Problem, Not to Hurt One Another.
Matthew 5:24 - The goal is to be reconciled, not to hurt people. Often we are willing to talk, but only for the purpose of getting our way. We seek to win a victory, prove the other person wrong, etc. The purpose ought to be to find a Scriptural resolution. [Lev. 19:18]
Romans 12:17,19-21 - Don't repay evil for evil or seek vengeance, but return good for evil. Sometimes a couple starts out trying to resolve a problem, but one insults the other, then the other returns an insult. Soon the goal becomes to see who can hurt the other person worst.
Too many discussions end up being quarrels, because we let the problem become an occasion to attack one another. Instead, we should work together to attack the problem. Discuss the problem to solve the problem, not to hurt one another's feelings.
When bringing up a problem, introduce it objectively then maintain focus on the specific problem. "Honey, there's a problem we need to talk about..." Don't enlarge the problem to attack the character of the other person. Avoid "You're just selfish, that's all," or "Why can't you be like so-and-so's wife?"
C. Listen to Your Spouse's Viewpoint.
A "discussion" requires both listening and talking. In practice, however, many spouses only want to express their own views.
James 1:19 - Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Don't enter the discussion assuming the other person has no valid reasons for his view. We should be quickly willing to listen, and slow to present our views, especially when we are angry.
Suggestion: Begin the discussion by asking your spouse to explain his/her view. Do not begin by attacking the position you assume they hold and defending your own view. Begin by asking questions honestly designed to help you understand what they think. "Could you explain to me why you did it that way ...?" "Have you considered doing it like this?" Maybe they have considered your idea and have some valid reasons for preferring another approach.
Do not dominate the discussion. Let the other person express his/her views. Do you appreciate it when others just attack your views but refuse to listen to what you have to say? "Love your neighbor as yourself," and practice the golden rule (Matt. 7:12).
D. Honestly Examine the Evidence.
John 7:24 "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment."
Honestly seek to learn the facts of what happened - maybe the other person did not do what you thought they did. Ask for the reasons why the other person holds his/her view. Maybe they have reasons that you have not considered.
Then present evidence for your view. Don't just make charges and accusations. Don't jump to conclusions or assign motives. If you don't have proof, then ask questions. But don't make accusations unless you have proof. Recognize an obligation to prove what you say or else don't say it!
Matthew 18:16 - By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. (Acts 24:13) Do not consider your spouse guilty of wrong doing until the evidence is clear. Do not condemn them on the basis of opinion and flimsy appearances, when you would not want them to condemn you on that basis.
John 12:48; 2 Timothy 3:16,17 - The Scriptures must guide us in matters of right and wrong. They will judge us in the last day. If there are Bible principles relating to the subject, study them together.
E. Honestly Examine Your Own Conduct, Motives, Etc.
Consider honestly the possibility that you may have been wrong, or that you may at least have contributed to the problem. Do not just find fault with your mate. Perhaps you can improve.
Genesis 3:12,13 - When the first married couple sinned, God confronted them. The man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent. Both had been wrong, but neither was willing to admit their wrong. That is typical. Even when we are guilty, we want others to bear or share the blame - "Look what he/she did!"
Proverbs 28:13 - He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. In a family has serious problems, almost invariably there is sin, but the guilty one(s) refuse to admit it, blames others, rationalizes, etc. [2 Cor. 13:5]
Pride keeps us from recognizing and admitting our guilt. Most people, when studying a topic like this one can think of lots of points that apply to their spouses, but what about you?
Honesty and humility leads us to seek the truth and admit whatever errors we have made. And remember, even if we are not convinced we caused a problem, love leads us to be willing to get involved and help solve it. [1 Thess. 5:21; Psa. 32:3,5; Gal. 6:1]
F. Be Patient and Control Your Temper.
1 Corinthians 13:4 - Love is patient. We are easily upset when a matter is not quickly resolved. Resolving some problems may take a long time, with gradual improvement. Don't give up. Don't expect that you or your spouse will change overnight. Give it time. [Rom. 2:7; Gal. 6:7-9; 2 Thess. 3:5].
Proverbs 18:13 - To answer a matter before we have heard it out is foolish. Sometimes we are ready to judge a matter before we have thought it through. Don't make snap decisions.
Don't think that you must reach a final decision the first time a matter is brought up. Take time for you and your spouse to think about what has been discussed. If your initial discussion doesn't lead to a solution, ask for time to think about it. Promise to discuss it again later. You are more likely to reach a rational conclusion, and your spouse will know you have taken the matter seriously.
Prov. 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Don't allow your temper to make you lose your objectivity and resort to hurting the other person. Anger is not necessarily sinful, but it must be controlled so it doesn't lead us into sin [Eph. 4:26; Jas. 1:19,20].
IX. BE RECONCILED
The goal is, not to talk endlessly nor simply to vent frustrations, but to resolve the problem. You should seek to determine a plan of action whereby the problem ceases to alienate you.
A. Compromise and Overlook Differences of Viewpoint, Where Possible.
1 Corinthians 13:4f - Love suffers long and is kind. Love is not selfish.
Every couple will find in one another characteristics that we would like to change but cannot. Sin must not be overlooked, but if there is no sin and the person just does things we don't like, then love will not push personal desires to the point of alienation. Learn to overlook these matters without bitterness.
Romans 14 - Even some spiritual decisions are matters of personal opinion, not matters of sin. If you cannot prove your spouse has committed sin, do not imply he/she has been guilty.
James 3:14-18; Matthew 5:9; Romans 12:17-21; 1 Peter 3:11 - Sincerely seek a peaceable resolution to the problem. We should want the conflict to end, even if we have to give up our own desires to achieve it.
In some matters, there may be give and take - compromise. As long as no Bible conviction is violated, seek a middle-ground solution. "I'll give in here, if you'll give in there." Or, "Let's do it your way this time, and then next time we'll do it my way."
Remember to consider ways you can become involved and help your spouse do a job better, instead of just sitting back and criticizing. Perhaps, in some matter, you will end up each going separate ways and doing separate things. [Acts 15:36-40]
However, if one has been guilty of sin, then another approach must be taken.
B. Repent of Sin.
2 Corinthians 7:10; Acts 8:22 - If one or both have sinned, the Bible says to repent and pray for forgiveness. Why should sins in the family be any different?
Repentance is a decision and commitment to change. We must recognize we have been wrong and agree to do right. If sin is the cause of our problems, we will never correct our marriage until we repent. [Luke 13:3; Acts 17:30; 2 Pet. 3:9]
C. Apologize for Sin (Confess It).
Luke 17:3,4 - If we have sinned, we must say, "I repent." Sometimes we realize we were wrong, but we don't want to admit it. Until we do so, those whom we have wronged cannot know we have repented.
Matthew 5:23,24 - When we have wronged someone, we must go to them and make it right, or God will not accept our worship. Have you made right the wrongs you have done to your family?
James 5:16 - We must confess our sins one to another. Sometimes the most difficult people to apologize to are the ones closest to us. We think if we admit error, they will lose respect for us. This is simply pride. But love is not puffed up (1 Cor. 13:4).
Proverbs 28:13 - He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.
Be specific. Don't minimize, make excuses, blame shift, or recriminate. Don't say, "I made a mistake, but look what you did!" Even if you are convinced your spouse is wrong too, honestly admit your own error and correct it first. Don't try to save face. Don't demand that others forgive you and instruct them on how they ought to treat you. Just humbly apologize. Then later, perhaps at some other time, discuss the errors you believe they need to correct.
D. Pray for Forgiveness.
Acts 8:22 - Peter told Simon to repent and pray for forgiveness. If we have sinned, we must confess, not just to our companion, but also to God.
1 John 1:9 - He is faithful to forgive us if we confess our sins.
When you have sinned, do you humbly confess it to God and to your spouse? [Matt. 6:12; Psa. 32:5]
E. Forgive One Another.
Luke 17:3,4 - When one has sinned against us and confesses, we must forgive, even seven times a day if necessary. Forgiveness is often needed in families. Love forgives as often as is needed.
Colossians 3:13 - We must forgive the way God forgives. How do we want God to forgive us? Do we want Him to say, "I've forgiven you enough already. I don't care how sorry you are or how hard you try, I won't forgive"? Do we want Him to say He forgives, but then keep bringing it up again and using it as a weapon against us?
Illustration: When Indian tribes made peace, they would symbolize it by burying a hatchet (tomahawk). The point was that everybody knew where it was, but nobody would go dig it up and use it to hurt the others. So forgiveness does not mean we are no longer aware the thing happened. It means we will not bring it up again to hurt the other person with it.
Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins. How is your family? Do you love one another enough to admit you errors and then to really forgive like you want God to forgive you?
[Matt. 18:21-25; 6:12,14,15; 5:7]
F. Develop & Carry Out a Plan to Correct the Problem.
Many problems are deep-rooted, have continued for a long time, or have caused serious harm. Some spouses confess the same old sin over and over, but they never make specific provision to change their conduct. They seem to think that all they need to do is to admit the wrong from time to time!
Proverbs 28:13 - He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. No matter how often we confess a problem, it is not truly resolved until we change our conduct!
Matthew 21:28-31 - Jesus described a son who did not do what his father said. When he repented, he had to do what he failed to do. When we repent of wrongs, we must work to make sure they are not repeated. For long-standing habits, planning and effort will be needed to change our conduct. [Cf. Eph. 4:25-32; Matt. 12:43-45]
Acts 26:20 - One who repents must bring forth "fruits of repentance" or do "works worthy of repentance" (Luke 3:8-14; Matt. 3:8). This includes making sure that we do not repeat the wrong in the future. But it also includes doing what we can to overcome the harm caused by our wrong deeds of the past. [Cf. Ezek. 33:14,15; 1 Sam. 12:3;Philemon. 10-14,18,19; Luke 19:8]
When a couple has long-standing and deep-seated problems, a resolution must include a mutual agreement about what they specifically intend to do differently in the future to change the conduct. They need a specific program or plan of action, perhaps even one that is written down.
Alternative courses of action should be discussed. Ways each spouse can help the other should be agreed upon. Agreements should include exactly what will each partner do differently in the future. Preferably these should be stated in away that allows for progress to be obvious or measurable - it should be evident when the changes are (or are not) being carried out. Then the couple should made specific commitments or promises to one another to carry out these actions.
James 5:12 - But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No," "No." When we make commitments to one another, we must mean what we say and then must carry out our commitments. We must make the changes we promised to make and fulfill the plan of action we agreed upon. [Rom. 1:31,32; 2 Cor. 8:11]
X. SEEK HELP (IF NECESSARY)
The procedure we have described will resolve most serious family problems, if we really love one another and are willing to obey God. But what if there clearly is sin in a family and the above procedure has been tried, but the problem remains? The Bible tells us to get help from other Christians.
A. Talk to One or Two Faithful Christians.
Galatians 6:2 - Bear one another's burdens. The first source of help should be other Christians. Some are too embarrassed to have others find out about their problems, but one of the first steps to overcoming a problem is to admit we have it.
James 5:16 - Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another. Sometimes other Christians have had experience dealing with a problem and can give the Scripture or application that we need. Surely they can pray for us. Why should Christians with spiritual problems seek help first from counselors who are not even Christians?
Matthew 18:15,16 - If your brother sins against you, first discuss it privately with him. But if this does not resolve it, get help. Take one or two other Christians with you.
Many think this passage does not apply to family problems, but why not? It discusses cases where one Christian sins against another. Where does this, or similar passages, exclude family members from the application? Most of the Scriptures we have cited in this study have been general in application, not specifically regarding the family, yet we can all see they would apply to the family. Why is this verse not the same? [Cf. 1 Cor. 6:1-11]
B. Take It Before the Church, Then Withdraw.
Matthew 18:16,17 - We would hope that the mediation of one or two other Christians would solve the problem, but if it does not, then the Bible says to take the matter before the congregation. Perhaps the involvement of the whole church will bring the guilty party to his senses.
If even this does not solve the problem, then the one who is clearly in sin must be withdrawn from. [2 Thess. 3:15; 1 Cor. 5; etc.]
This is not to say we should run to the church with every personal problem. But if sin is clearly involved and private efforts do not lead to repentance, God gives a pattern for proceeding. In far too many cases, sin continues in our homes because we are too proud or too foolish to pursue the Scriptural course for seeking help.
Conclusion
The Scriptures do provide us to all good works, including how to solve problems in our homes. There is hope for troubled marriages. We can solve our problems God's way. If we do not do so, we have no one to blame but ourselves
Anger is a powerful and legitimate emotion. It is the natural and normal response when you feel threatened and your rights are violated. It can also be an immediate response when a loved one is threatened, harmed, or attacked. Physiologically, your “fight or flight” response is triggered and you go into a defensive posture. You are no longer listening to your spouse but protecting yourself.
Psychologist David Ross says, “Anger is the red warning light on the dashboard of your life. When you get angry, let your anger be a signal to you. Let it be a red flag, a blinking red light that says stop. Something is wrong here. I need to take steps to make it right and I need to do in a way that does not harm the people I love the most. Just like when you get a pebble in your shoe at the beach it causes irritation. You stop and examine your shoe and shake out the pebble. Anger tells you something is wrong.”
Anger is a legitimate emotion but it also an emotion that can quickly get out of control and cause a great deal of damage. The Bible is a very practical book and describes anger in vivid detail. The Bible writer James compares angry words to a small spark that can cause a raging wildfire (James 3:5).
- Communicating: Express your thoughts and feelings directly, listen actively, and use "I" statements.
- Being compassionate: Encourage each other, be patient, and assume your partner has good intentions.
- Forgiving: Confess your faults, forgive each other, and restore relationships.
- Avoiding negativity: Refrain from anger, wrath, and envy, and don't judge or lie to each other.
- Seeking guidance: Pray for each other and seek God's guidance.
- Considering others' perspectives: Listen for hurt feelings and tell the truth tactfully.
- Focusing on solutions: Fix the problem, not the blame, and don't sweat the small stuff.
Therefore, as James taught (James 1:2) and Paul taught (Rom 5:3), we should encounter marital conflict (and all trials) with joyful expectation, not because we enjoy suffering, but because we know God’s purposes in it. We worship a God who took the worst sin that ever happened in the world, the murder of his Son, and made it the best thing. It is for this reason that we can have a joyful expectation, even in conflict. This isn’t a denial of pain. It is both a recognition of pain and a future hope. It is like a mother giving birth. Even in the midst of pain, there is a joyful expectation. Many couples, who have gone through very difficult conflict, developed some of the strongest marriages—marriages used to counsel and repair others.
What is your attitude when you encounter conflict with your mate? If we don’t have the right attitude, if we are angry at our mate and angry at God, if we are depressed, bitter, and disillusioned, then it will negatively affect our behavior and our spouse, and therefore, reap harmful consequences in marriage. Conflict is really just an opportunity to grow, and we should view it that way.
What is your attitude during conflict? Do you have a joyful expectation of the work that God wants to do? Do you expect him to make you holier? Do you expect him to strengthen your capacity to love? That’s how Scripture tells us to view all trials.
In Conflict, We Must Develop Perseverance
In continuing with what Paul and James taught about trials, both taught that trials produce perseverance. Paul then said perseverance produces character and character hope (Rom 5:3-4). James said that we should “let perseverance finish its work so that we can become mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:3-4, NIV 2011). In marital conflict, we must develop perseverance so we can produce the fruits God wants to cultivate in our marriage.
This is difficult because the natural response to trials and conflict is to bail or quit. And that’s what many couples do. At some point they say, “That’s enough; I can’t live like this” and they quit. Some do this by divorcing, others by distancing themselves emotionally and physically, as they stop working to fix the marriage. However, Scripture teaches us to persevere in trials, which includes conflict. The word means to “bear up under a heavy weight.” God matures us individually and corporately as we bear up under the heavy weight. He teaches us to trust him more. He helps us develop peace, patience, and joy, regardless of our circumstances. He helps us grow in character as we “let perseverance finish its work.”
In order to resolve conflict, we must develop perseverance. That’s essentially what we promised to do in our wedding vows. We committed to love our spouse in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. We should be thankful when it is “better” and persevere when it is “worse”. For those who do, there is fruit. Paul said, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
Do you feel like quitting? Hold on, because God has a harvest for you if you don’t quit.
In Conflict, We Must Sow Good Seeds
Not only must we have the right attitude when encountering conflict, but we also must sow the right seeds to resolve it. Paul said that whatever we sow, we will also reap (Gal 6:7). Sowing and reaping is a principle God set throughout the earth, and it is at work within every marriage as well. If we sow negative seeds, we will reap negative fruit. It we sow positive seeds, we will reap positive fruit.
Sadly, even though we all want a positive harvest in our marriage, we typically respond in ways that are counter to that. A wife wants her husband to spend more time with her, but in order to get that, she criticizes him. The fruit she desires is opposite of the seed she is sowing. The seed of criticism will only produce a negative fruit in her husband. Similarly, a husband, who wants intimacy with his wife, actually begins to withdraw from her. He withdraws hoping that this will draw her closer, but it actually does the opposite. The negative seed of withdrawing cannot produce the positive fruit of intimacy.
In conflict, we must do the opposite of what our nature desires. We may have a desire to raise our voice, and/or to hurt the other person, but these seeds will only produce negative fruits and potentially destruction in the marriage. To resolve conflict, we must always sow the right seeds.
Similarly, consider what Paul taught about how we should respond to an enemy. He said:
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:19-21
Paul taught that in response to an enemy, we must overcome evil with good. Instead of responding with anger or seeking revenge, we should sow kindness and generosity. If he is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. Instead of being overcome by evil, we must overcome evil by continually sowing good.
What good seeds can we sow while we are in conflict? Maybe, it could be the good seed of a listening ear. It could be the seed of affirmation. It could be the seed of service. Certainly, it must be the seed of unconditional love. In conflict, we must sow good seeds to reap a good harvest.
With that said, we must always remember that conflict resolution is very much like farming. Sometimes, it may take months or years to get the harvest we desire. Many become discouraged while waiting for their spouse to change or for the conflict to be resolved. Typically, in that discouragement, people start to sow negative seeds that only hinder the harvest they seek. A verse worth repeating while considering conflict resolution is, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). We must not only sow good seeds, but we must faithfully do it until God brings the harvest. We plant and water, but only God makes the seed grow in his time (cf. 1 Cor 3:6-7).
What type of negative seeds do you have a tendency to sow when in conflict? How is God calling you to sow positive seeds to reap a positive harvest?
In Conflict, We Must Talk to Our Spouse First Before Others
Another important principle to apply in conflict is talking to our spouse first before talking to anybody else. This is a principle that Christ taught about dealing with sin in general. In Matthew 18:15 he said, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
This is important for several reasons. First, it shows respect for our spouse. It is disrespectful to discuss a problem with our mom, our friend, or anybody else not first discussed with our spouse. If our spouse finds out, it may actually cause more conflict. Secondly, every story has two sides, and those who are closest to us (such as family and friends) may not have the ability to give us unbiased counsel. Even for myself, as a pastoral counselor, I have to work really hard to not jump to conclusions after hearing only one side of the story. This does not mean that we shouldn’t talk to those closest to us, we should, but only after trying to resolve it with our spouse first. And when we do talk to others, we should still respect and honor our spouse.
Christ taught that when somebody sins against us, we should go to that person first (Matt 18:15). Many couples increase their conflict by bringing others in without first seeking to resolve it with their spouse alone.
In Conflict, We Must Seek Wise Counselors
Though this point may seem like it contradicts the previous one, it doesn’t. Christ taught that we should confront a person in sin one on one, and if they don’t respond, then invite others into the process, including the church. Matthew 18:16-17 says this:
But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Though this was originally spoken about a brother in sin, it certainly applies to sin or conflict within marriage. God made us part of the body of Christ, which includes our marriage. When a natural body is sick, it often results in fever. In a fever, the body simply recruits itself to bring healing. In the same way, a Christian marriage needs the body’s help to stay healthy. Marriages should always operate as a part of the body of Christ, but in times of difficulty, they need the body’s help even more.
For many, this is countercultural. While in serious conflict, many couples hesitate to invite anybody into their marriage to help. Pride keeps them from exposing themselves and getting the help they need. This is actually another result of the Fall. When Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden tree, they looked at one another, saw their nakedness, and hid. They then put on fig leaves. At the Fall, humanity lost its intended transparency. We hide from one another; we put on a fake smile even when things are bad. We hide behind our clothes, our houses, our jobs, and our hobbies. We are deathly afraid of people knowing us: our insecurities and our problems. We even hide from God, as Adam and Eve did.
However, in order to build the healthy marriage God meant for us, we must be willing to expose ourselves and seek help. In Matthew 18, Christ said that if approaching the person in sin does not work, we should bring one or two others for accountability. If that doesn’t help, invite the church. And if that doesn’t help, the church should lovingly discipline the erring mate. This is difficult, but if we are followers of Christ, we must trust he knows best. God wants to use other godly people to speak into our marriage and sharpen it as iron sharpens iron (Prov 27:17).
Who would you invite to help your marriage? They should be wise people who can understand you, and who are walking with Christ—preferably a married couple. Solomon said: “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure” (Prov 11:14).
Every president or king selects a cabinet with many advisers. The cabinet advises the president on foreign policy, educational reform, health care, etc., and this multitude of counselors helps bring victory. In the same way, a marriage needs a multitude of counselors, especially when in conflict. Yes, a couple should try to resolve the problem together first, but after that, they should seek help.
This should be considered even before getting married. Who will be your “many advisers” that make victory sure? It could be your parents, a wise couple in the church, your pastor, your small group leader, etc. The selection of these wise counselors takes great wisdom because all counselors are not created equal. These counselors should primarily use the Bible, as Scripture is sufficient to train us in all righteousness. Second Timothy 3:16-17 says this:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
God’s Word is useful to train and equip us for every good work, which includes marriage. Those who disregard Scripture, do it to their own peril and that of their marriage.
In finding counselors, ideally, the couple would agree on whom to approach. But at times when one mate doesn’t want help, the other mate may still need to seek help in obedience to Christ’s teaching in Matthew 18. This is how Christ intended his church to function. Not only should we depend on God, but we should depend on one another. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you” (1 Cor 12:21). By not using the body, we spiritually impoverish ourselves. Independent couples may spend their entire marriage spiritually sick, or even worse, the marriage may end in divorce.
Who are your wise counselors who help you achieve victory? Have you and your mate considered this question? Are you willing to allow the church to be involved in your marriage as Christ desires?
In Conflict, We Must Immediately Seek Resolution
Another important principle that must be applied in marriage is to seek to resolve conflict as soon as possible. Both mates should agree to this principle early in the relationship. Paul said in Ephesians 4:26-27: ”In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Paul says to get rid of anger before the day is over, because if we don’t, it will give Satan a foothold. What does this mean? “Foothold” is war terminology. It means that unforgiveness and anger will give Satan a door to continually attack a person or a relationship.
We learn more about this from the Parable of the Merciless Servant in Matthew 18:23-35. In this story, a servant owed his master a great amount of money, so he begged for mercy. The master forgave him the entire debt. However, this servant had a fellow servant who owed him a smaller debt. The servant with the debt pleaded for mercy, but the servant, who had been forgiven, instead threw him in prison. When the master heard about this, he became very angry and tossed the servant, whom he had previously forgiven, into prison to be tortured by the jailors. Listen to what Christ said to his disciples about this parable: “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).
Christ said to the disciples that if they didn’t forgive others from the heart, God would do the same to them. Who are these torturers? No doubt, they refer to Satan and his demons (cf. 1 Sam 16:14, 1 Cor 5:5, 1Tim 1:20). This is the consequence for harboring anger and unforgiveness towards others. If God has forgiven us of every sin we committed and will commit, how can we justifiably hold grudges against others, especially our spouse? When we choose to hold anger and bitterness, God hands us over to the enemy for discipline.
For many couples, because of their disobedience to God in holding bitterness and anger, their marriage has become a playground for the enemy. He lies to them; he accuses them. He tempts them to go outside of the marriage, and he also may bring sickness and other types of consequences for their rebellion (cf. Lk 13:11-16, Job 2:4-7).
To make this situation even worse, Scripture says when we are walking in unforgiveness, God will not forgive us (Matt 6:15) and he won’t hear our prayers. Peter called for husbands to be considerate of their wives and to treat them with respect so that nothing would hinder their prayers (1 Peter 3:7). A marriage where the mates hold bitterness and anger towards one another is a marriage where prayer is powerless, which opens a greater door for the enemy to attack and bring destruction.
When in conflict, we must seek resolution immediately. Certainly, we can’t force somebody to forgive us or to desire to work things out. However, we can do as much as possible to live at peace with someone. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Are you holding a grudge against your mate? How is God calling you to seek resolution?
In Conflict, We Must Be Willing to Sacrifice
Intrinsic to the Christian life is sacrifice. We follow a Savior who left heaven and all the worship offered to him there to come to earth as a servant and die for the sins of the world. True followers of Christ should be known by sacrifice. In fact, Christ said that one could not be his disciple without taking up his cross daily (Lk 9:23). This life of a sacrifice should be especially displayed when in conflict. Paul said this to the Philippian church who was struggling with an internal conflict (cf. Phil 4:1-3):
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Philippians 2:3-5
In the context of a call to unity (cf. Phil 2:1-2), Paul said the Philippians should “do nothing out of selfish ambition”. The primary reason couples struggle with discord is because of selfishness. One person wants this, while the other wants that. However, Paul said to do nothing out of selfish ambition. In conflict, one must ask, “Is this desire something God wants, as displayed in his Word, or is this my preference?” Most conflicts are over selfish preferences instead of over something that genuinely matters, such as loving God and loving others, the two greatest commandments (cf. Matt 22:36-40).
Instead of being driven by self, Paul said to “in humility” consider others better than ourselves and to seek the interest of others. In conflict, one must ask, “How can I seek my spouse’s betterment or desires over mine?” Essentially, Paul was calling the Philippian church to live a life of sacrifice in order to be unified (v. 2). This sacrifice was further magnified when he said, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” (v. 5). In the rest of the text, he described how Christ gave up his rights as God, took the form of a servant, died on the cross, and how God exalted him for his sacrifice (v. 6-9). This is the mind that should be in Christians, helping them to walk in unity with their brothers and sisters. And this is the mind that should be seen in every marriage, enabling them to walk in unity instead of discord (cf. Eph 5:25).
Christian couples should resolve their conflicts by caring more for their spouse’s desires than their own. They should humble themselves even as Christ did. He gave up his comfort and his rights to serve us.
How is God calling you to sacrifice in order to resolve conflict or a potential conflict in marriage? Is he calling you to give up a friendship that is a bad influence or causes discord? Is he calling you to help more around the house, to care more for the kids, to start participating in something your spouse enjoys but you don’t, to spend more time with your spouse instead of doing something else? How can you demonstrate Christ’s sacrifice in your marriage? Sacrifice is the secret to resolving conflict, while selfishness is the catalyst of conflict.
In Conflict, We Must Love Our Spouse Deeply and Cover His or Her Sins
Finally, when in conflict, we must love our spouse and cover his or her sins. First Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” The Greek word for “deeply” is an athletic word used of muscles stretching or straining.
This is a rich word-picture of our love during conflict. In the same way a muscle must be strained and stretched to develop and become stronger, God often strengthens our love through conflict and difficulty with our spouse. Even though this stretching hurts, it actually results in a greater capacity to love. Therefore, couples, who deeply love and cover one another’s sins while in conflict, gain the ability to love more deeply. Certainly, this must be an encouragement as we stretch our love to cover our spouse’s sins while in conflict.
Stretching our love will often mean overlooking and forgetting the failures of our spouse. First Corinthians 13:5 says love “keeps no record of wrongs.” God will call us to not even bring up some issues. While others, he will call us to firmly speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15) and work towards a resolution, especially when it involves sin.
How is God calling you to love your spouse deeply and cover his or her sins in order to resolve conflict?
Conclusion
Because sin became part of the human nature in the Fall, we are prone to conflict, even conflict with those we love most. For that reason, we must wisely prepare for conflict because it will happen in the marriage union. We can resolve conflict by:
- Having the right attitude: one of joyful expectation, instead of wrong attitudes.
- Developing perseverance instead of quitting physically or emotionally.
- Sowing good seeds to produce a harvest of righteousness in our marriage.
- Talking to our spouse first before talking with others.
- Seeking wise counselors to help us navigate conflict.
- Seeking to resolve conflict immediately to prevent opening a door for the devil.
- Sacrificing our rights and desires for our spouse.
- Loving our spouse deeply and covering his or her sin.
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