Marriage Boundaries- Consequences of Boundaries Being Violated

 

Establish appropriate consequences. 

Stating your request and allowing time, however, may not be enough. Ever since the fall, people have known the rules and still crossed the line (Genesis 3:6), as the benefits of doing so were appealing for some reason or the other. In the same way, the benefits that your spouse receives when violating your boundaries may far outweigh the value that your appeals and requests have for him. If this is the case, you need to set consequences.

What does that mean? Consequences are the ``natural'' effects of some act, like falling down when you jump out of a window. You need to establish some consequence for your spouse's transgression so that he will experience some discomfort for his irresponsibility. For instance, you may leave the room or even the house for a period of time until your spouse ceases his temper tantrums. You may open separate accounts if your spouse doesn't quit overspending, so that some base amount of money is safe. You may leave an event if your spouse doesn't stop demeaning you in public. You may stop cleaning up after your spouse as long as he continues to be excessively messy. If your spouse has an affair, you may require him to leave the home until the affair is over and counseling has begun. 

There are plenty of possible consequences for different boundary violations, but choosing the one that is appropriate for your situation is not easy, since you certainly don't want to do something that damages your relationship. Here are some guidelines that you need to keep in mind. 

• Consequences are there to protect you, not to control or change your spouse. They allow appropriate cause and effect, but the your spouse still needs the freedom to choose - even if he chooses to endure the consequences rather than changing his behavior. 

• Consequences are reactions to your spouse's behavior not attempts to make him behave in a certain way. This is not in your power, so any consequence of the kind ``if you ... then you have to'' or ``don't do ... or I will make you'' is totally useless. 

• Consequences are deliberate actions and never to be set in anger. They are not about getting even or punishing your spouse but shall help you get out of enabling irresponsibility. Before you set them, think them through in prayer and with friends.

• Consequences should relate to the nature of the transgression. It makes sense to leave the room when you spouse has temper tantrums, since no one likes to be around when people are enraged. But it does not make sense to stop doing the laundry for two weeks, as these two things have nothing to do with each other. 

• Consequences have to be appropriately severe - severe enough to matter but not so severe that they, rather than the behavior you want to address, become the issue. Leaving the room when your spouse becomes enraged during an argument may be appropriate - moving out is certainly not. It is the other way around if your spouse becomes physically abusive every time you have an argument.

• Consequences must be enforceable. Don't announce consequences that you won't be able to follow through with anyway. If you can't tell the pastor that you have trouble in your marriage, don't threaten to do that. Don't threaten to move out when you don't know where to go. Your spouse will find out quickly that you don't have the power or resources to enforce the consequences and simply ignore your threats.

• Consequences must follow as immediately as possible. This is not only important when dealing with children but also with adults. Your spouse must see the link between his action and the consequence. If he becomes enraged during an argument, you need to leave the room right away or not at all. It doesn't make sense thinking about what happened and then start avoiding him the next day when everything is over. 

• Consequences must remain respectful your spouse (Ephesians 5:21, 1. Peter 3:1-2,7). Stay away from humiliating or punitive consequences such as making sarcastic remarks or making fun of his weaknesses. This is retaliation and will certainly not bring the two of you closer together.

• Consequences must be modified as the situation changes. If your spouse repents, you can relax the consequences (2. Corinthians 2:5-8). However, be sure that the change is genuine has truly occurred of some period of time. A simple ``I am sorry'' may mean nothing and should not be enough to let go of the consequence right away (contrast 1. Samuel 15:19-26 with 2. Samuel 12:11-14).

  On the other hand, you may have to increase the severity of the consequence if the behavior of your spouse becomes worse (Matthew 18:15-17). For instance, you may have to get friends or your pastor involved if the temper tantrums of your spouse grow beyond what you can handle alone. 

• Most importantly, consequences must be announced ahead of time.

  
  

  When I say to a wicked man ``you will surely die'' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself. 
  (Ezekiel 3:18-19, see also the book of Jonah)

  
  

  Never apply consequences without giving appropriate warning. Your spouse must be aware that from now on you will begin to set limits. That gives him a chance to repent before suffering the consequences and demonstrates to him that you don't want to punish him but like to see the problem solved. If you react impulsively or plan your consequence in secret and suddenly come out with a ``because you did ... I will now'', you exercise punishment instead of giving him a the choice to change.

Follow through. 

Once you have set a limit, you need to follow through with it. Otherwise your spouse will rightfully believe that he can do whatever he wants and all he has to endure is your nagging, which is what you do when you only announce consequences. Don't write a check with your mouth that your actions can't cash.

Obviously, you may encounter problems when you are trying to follow through. Guilt feelings, fear of loss of love or that your spouse may escalate his behavior may cause you to hesitate. This is why you need to surround yourself with friends who love you, encourage you, help you to assure you of the rightness of your stance, and help you correct mistakes in the process. 

Observe and evaluate over time. 

Once you have begun following through with consequences, you have to allow time again to see changes. Some people only have to suffer consequences a few time to get the message that irresponsibility and selfishness is painful and destructive. Others need more time or different consequences. If you allow enough time, you will learn to understand your spouse better. 

Sadly enough, some people have no interest in changing at all and want to live a life unaffected by the feelings and hurts of others. Such behavior grieves God (Matthew 23:37), but he gives people even the freedom to be selfish and hurtful, because only the freedom to choose can lead to genuine repentance. If this is your situation, understand that your boundaries are primarily for your protection and only secondarily for changing the behavior of your spouse. 

What if it escalates?

Don't be shocked if your spouse escalates the behavior that troubles you instead of giving in. Children do that all the time to test how serious their parents really are and your spouse may not yet have outgrown this childish attitude. Your spouse may become angry, have more temper tantrums, send more guilt messages, or become more of a spendthrift. Be prepared for this. Warn again, stick to your consequences consistently, or make them stricter. Some spouses get the message after a few escalations - others may test you longer. 

Be prepared to be resented when you set boundaries. Anger and hatred towards the one who rebukes them is a typical reaction of irresponsible people (Proverbs 9:8a). Your spouse is angry with you for saying no to her. Make sure you handle this anger with gentle firmness. Understand where the anger comes from. Try not to react to it but also do not back off an appropriate boundary just to stop the resentment. If you do, you have enabled irresponsibility once again.

This will not be easy, as everyone wants his spouse to love him. Therefore it is important that God and other people fill you up with love and support to replace the hopefully temporary loss of love in your relationship.

Normalize your doubts. 

When your spouse starts assaulting your boundaries, becomes angry, blames you, or intensifies her resistance, you may begin questioning yourself if you're doing the right thing. Are you being unfair, selfish, or unloving? Are you overreacting or secretly trying to punish your spouse? Is establishing boundaries and consequences really wise for your situation or does your spouse need another change before you follow through? 

Don't be surprise when such questions come up. After all, you may be trying to set boundaries for the first time and it is all very new for you. Doubts are normal in these situations Also, your love for your spouse will always make you question your motives. This is a good thing and you should try to answer these questions by thinking them through thoroughly. Setting limits with the person you love most is a serious endeavor and should not be taken lightly. Settle the questions, make the necessary adjustments, and continue the process.